by Sue Behnke
Would you look into my heart? What do you see? Please let me know. I need to know what you see. Your eyes have an ability to look much deeper in my soul than my finite mind can. Funny how I need you to bring me to the surface. I have been trying to conform to rules and cultures all my life, and I lost sight of my heart in the process. Tell me. What do you see?
It seems to me that no one else wants the real, the raw which surfaces in me. Everywhere I look, they tell me how to be. A culture that dishonors me, that bedevils the truth in me. What is it that you see? Layers of shame and guilt stand in my way and blind me. I can no longer tell if it is me or the years of bending my soul to the wishes of a cold society, a machine that breaks the hearts to create a fake unity.
Tell me. What do you see?
There is still a little girl in me, a child who is staring at the world in disbelief. Part of me wants to rebel and force them to take me as I am, but I feel the anger rising with that stand, and I know it is a lie. I grieve for me. I grieve for the years lost thinking that all I had to do was find these elusive rules and comply, and then they will accept me. Then all will be well. Who are they? And why do they have such a hold over me?
They is a word that looms over my life like a butcher’s knife. I don’t know exactly who they are, but they rule me with fear and threats of rejection. I cannot see them. But they live in my soul, and they hate me.
Can you tell me who they are?
Let your gentle voice wash over me. Like the sound of beautiful crystal, it will quietly lead me in truth. Let your love for me take away the grief and the fear. Heal me! Drown their hatred with your loving-kindness. Can you do that? Are you that powerful? Are you more potent than the they in my life? Can you save me?
Help me. I need you.
Jane closed her diary and wept for a long time.
As the tears subsided, she allowed an outpouring of God’s love to strengthen her. She started seeing herself asking every person on the table to leave. When they all disappeared, she saw Jesus slowly sitting himself at the other end of that table, looking into her eyes, smiling.
Chapter 62
A Parting
Paul stood in the church office, his palm on Carl’s desk, making his statement. He felt he was speaking for the elders and the rest of the church.
“Carl, we respect your leadership, but we don’t agree with the strategy you are currently adopting. We are extremely concerned about your friendship with Bob, and with all due respect to him, it seems that he is leading us all.”
Carl sighed. So it was finally in the open.
“I’m eager to hear your concerns, gentlemen. Please help me understand. Is it the overall strategy you don’t agree with or something more specific that I have expressed?”
“You have positioned us all behind Bob! As a church, we should be in a place of leadership. He is in effect acting as a senior pastor. What explanation can you give for this?” Ted said, supporting Paul.
“The fact that he is spearheading a project does not make him a leader of an entire church. What is the real issue here? If I may probe deeper, I think you guys have lost confidence in my leadership. This has nothing to do with Bob. It has started before he ever called me. Let us be honest with our griefs if we’re going to solve anything.”
Jamie and Finn protested mildly. The other two elders, Ted and Paul, seemed defiant, staring at Carl, almost daring him to validate his existence as a pastor. Carl chose not to fall in that ditch.
“What are you holding against me?”
Jamie protested that he believed Carl to be anointed for this position. Finn nodded agreement. The other two elders declared their disagreement with the policies and the teachings Carl had been giving at the church. When he inquired about which teachings, they were evasive.
“Carl, it is not something that specific,” Ted said. “We believe God is testing you. The media is now whipping us because you mishandled that reporter; and now you have embarked on a project that is going to get us further at odds with the community. That prayer meeting with Bob last Friday was difficult to sit through!
“We have decided that we cannot go with you on that route. If you don’t withdraw from Bob’s little venture, we will probably need to part ways.”
“I will be praying about this. I will be seeking the face of the Lord before I commit to any answers. Maybe we can meet next week.”
Three of the elders rose and left the room. Jamie lingered. He needed a word in private. He closed the door and looked at Carl gravely.
“Carl, there will be precious little use trying to convince Ted and Paul to stay. I heard that they are already discussing to start their own church. They have been searching for a venue across town.”
Carl swallowed hard. “Are they trying to split the church?”
“Not yet, but we need to expect it.”
“Where is Finn standing in this mess?”
“I don’t know Carl. We‘ll need to wait until next week, I guess. By the way and for the record, Carl, I think Bob is truly following the Lord in this event. I would like to serve in any capacity you would deem me able.”
“Pray for him, Jamie. He’s going to need an intercessor.”
“I‘ll contact him today, and commit myself. Thanks for your patience, Carl, I needed to get over some stuff and get out of the way of the Lord. I don’t mind following when I’m sure in my heart it’s divine guidance.”
Chapter 63
A Kingdom Outlook
That Sunday was an uncomfortable affair. Carl delivered a teaching about the importance of unity and brotherly love.
The fear of losing his church was gnawing at him. He resolved to spend more time in prayer, sorting his emotions and preparing for the worst, whether in his church or in his community.
He was glad to be home after the service, to sit alone and gather his thoughts. He was reluctant to answer the phone when it rang, and he nearly hung up when no one spoke immediately.
“Hello, Pastor C.”
Carl jumped out of his chair. “Brendan, you’re okay! Oh, praise God. You’re okay!”
Brendan sounded relieved. “Things have been hard, Pastor. I’m trying to cope, but it has been very difficult.”
“Brendan, I’m so sorry for that sordid affair in the press. I wish I could have handled it better or different. I don’t know. I just want you to know that we’re your family, bro. We love you, and we would love to have you back.”
They chatted for a while, Carl happily fathering him, imparting peace and acceptance, Brendan gratefully receiving.
Brendan promised to drop by soon. And maybe, just maybe to drop by on Sunday for a service.
Carl spent the rest of the afternoon on his knees, praising God with fullness of joy. He was intensely grateful for Brendan. He had eagerly dropped his worries and his aches for his church at the foot of the Almighty.
As he was in that state of complete surrender, he felt a notion rise to his consciousness. The church is not one group. It is the entire body of believers.
Carl understood. The notion that this flock was his was insecurity. His building should be just like a funnel, a place where people would be free to come receive and move on to other churches as they needed in order to grow. He was not perfect. He did not have everything they needed. No single church has. Where was the apostle Paul’s church? He was too busy building the church at large to worry about walls.
Another thought hit him like a hurricane. If another church is raised up, the kingdom will advance, even if his congregation opts for it instead of his building. There is no loss here! The kingdom will not regress. If God is pleased with him, he will help him grow. More people will come in.
This revelation made him jump to his feet. A new focus! No more competition! He will endorse this new church and even invest in it! His elders are rising up! He will be helping the kingdom to advance by creating new ministries and bringing up new pastors. Isn’t that what Maria was talking about? Encouraging people to grow and
embrace the vision in them?
A new excitement took hold of him. He stayed in prayer for a long time, thanking God for answered prayers and asking him for the courage to embrace this new outlook.
Chapter 64
Becoming a Patriarch
Bob was wondering again if he should stay in this church. Even as a retired pastor, he wanted to stay active, and he had been noticing lately that he was ruffling some feathers.
He looked at the four long to-do lists in front of him and sighed. While the leaders of the church prayed with him, they refused to endorse the project financially or otherwise. It was obvious they were reticent to be linked to something that bold. They refused to be at the site or have the church’s name mentioned anywhere. Their position was clear. He was on his own.
Jamie’s call was heavensent. Bob immediately enlisted his help and that of the pastors who committed to the project. Maria was delighted to take one of the to-do lists off his hands and organize the refreshments. Jamie took care of the hall rental, and he organized the chairs, video recordings, and lights. Pastor Margaret Brown pledged to go with her team to pray on the premises daily and liaise with the community hall and the speakers, leaving Bob free to concentrate on his role. Other committed pastors had ideas, Bob promised to pray and think about them.
Bob made a point of calling Benjamin, and praying with him on the phone every couple of days. He still felt a divine hand on the man, a call that was still indiscernible. Benjamin faithfully read his Bible daily, and he asked all kind of questions. He was hungry for more knowledge. Bob was grateful to disciple him.
When Carl called to share his revelation about the elders and the new church, Bob was touched.
“Congrats, Carl. You’re being elevated from father to patriarch.”
When Carl inquired into that, Bob dutifully took him through the Bible.
“When Moses was ruling over the issues of the Israelites, his fatherin-law, Jethro, corrected him. He instructed him to assign leaders over tens, leaders over fifties, and so on. By obeying these instructions, Moses effectively was raised from serving people and fathering them one-on-one to creating ministries before God. These leaders enabled him to serve over a million people. He became a patriarch. You’re setting yourself on that path. Congrats!”
They chatted for a long time about pitfalls and snares of encouraging and endorsing ministries. Carl was so grateful for Bob’s vulnerability and openness about his past mistakes. It humbled him and gave him the satisfaction of being a small man with a big God.
Chapter 65
Birthing a Ministry
The meeting with the elders went better than Carl expected. He had asked to start with prayers. He blessed them and blessed their vision. He thanked God for their keenness to follow and obey their Lord and their endeavors to follow hearts that were set to serve his majesty.
The elders melted. Carl knew they had expected a fight. They dropped the haughty airs they had walked in with. Ted declared it was obvious to him that something much bigger than Carl or them had happened. They looked humbled and a tad ashamed for running the pastor down.
The atmosphere in the gathering lifted significantly. It was as if their vision lit up the room. They talked excitedly about possibilities and the needs to anchor the project in the area they felt called to. Carl promised to announce it to the assembly and publicly endorse it.
The elders were hoping to enlist a few specific people in the church that would become pillars in the new community, their gifts and skills being needed. Carl agreed and asked Jamie to become a liaison officer. He promised to address the congregation and release those who wanted to start anew with them.
The elders hugged Carl and left, apparently feeling elated, blessed, and covered by his mantle.
Carl looked at Finn. He was beaming.
“Finn, do you feel called to join them?”
“Carl, it is no secret that I’ve been struggling with the direction you have chosen lately. Today I struggle no more. I know God is in our midst. I’m so humbled, I feel so blessed to be here … in this church … at this hour. I’m grateful to be on your team.”
Chapter 66
The Urchin in the Tide
Brendan grabbed his little girl a bit roughly and forced her to pick up the toy she hurled across the room. Amber ran to her little one and took her to another room, wiping her tears and comforting her. She mustered all her courage to come back to her husband calmly.
“Brendan, my love, can you tell me what’s wrong? Please let me into your life. I don’t recognize you anymore.”
“Pet, I’m not sure I know myself. I feel like a dark cloud is fogging up my brain. I can’t think clearly. My boss is hounding me. I’m just so confused.”
Brendan ranted about his work, the abuse he was taking for not working faster, for not being more precise, for not being on time.
“He’s just watching me. I know he is looking to sack me. Do you know how much I want to just punch his lights out? Yesterday I almost slashed his tires. I’m fed up!”
“What about the pastor? You enjoyed talking to him. Why don’t you go see him?”
“He is a nice guy, but he doesn’t understand this. He’s never had to work hard for a buck before, being hounded at every turn. He’s kind, but he doesn’t know what’s in my head. No, I’m alone in this. I just need to sort myself out.”
The next day when Brendan was told that he was not to come back to work anymore, something deep within him snapped. He headed straight to “the old gutter,” as he called it, and bought himself some hard drugs.
Chapter 67
The Spiritual Positioning
The last Friday before the event, the prayer gathering was one of excitement and trepidation.
Carl graciously offered the church to the leaders and prayer warriors to gather and seek the face of the Lord. He sat in the back, allowing Bob to effectively lead the evening process.
“I would be so inclined to beg God for help, but that would be a mistake. I merely would like to come to him humbly, knowing that he blessed us and blessed the day. I would like to know if my heart is clean enough to represent him. If there is any anger or vengeance in me that needs to be resolved before I set foot in front of the world, I ask the Lord to raise it to my consciousness. We represent love, and it needs to show.”
Bob asked for some beautiful, gentle music to be played as they took time to open their hearts and ask the Lord to cleanse them. Some were on their knees, others standing or sitting. A few went face to the ground, seeking God’s intervention in their lives wholeheartedly.
After an hour of introspection before the Almighty, they sat in a circle. Bob opened the next session by confessing his anger at the media and their bias against Christianity. He prayed for a heart of mercy toward them. After all, they did not know God or understand him. Some confessed other sins, anger, and traumas. They prayed together and for one another with genuine brotherly love.
They prayed for every aspect of the event, soaking it with the gentle mercy of their Lord. They prayed for those to come, specifically that their hearts would be touched and healed. They prayed for words of wisdom and love.
Even after they ran out of things to say and do, it seemed like no one wanted to leave. They lingered on, talking and laughing well into the night. They spoke excitedly of the events tomorrow, asking a few last questions, bringing up and wondering about courses of actions if some scenes were to break up or certain scenarios occurred. Bob was quite confident, and his serenity imparted strength to the team.
They were ready!
Chapter 68
Family Pain
Jane walked through the front door, smiling. The look on Benjamin’s face shook her.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
“Janie, that was dad on the phone.”
“Yes, Benjamin, I hope you conveyed my love. How are they doing?”
“Well I’m not so sure now. I told him I’m walking as a Christian believer thes
e days. He called me a fool! They were going to come over for a visit next week, but he said he would not want to rattle my mom with the nonsense I was dabbling in.”
Jane was stunned. She always knew her fatherin-law to be a bit proud and strong-willed, but she did not see this coming. She wondered out loud about the next course of action.
“I’m not so sure. Maybe wait a few days and call him back. I honestly don’t know! Maybe if you give him time to cool down, he’ll find it in his heart to respect your choices. I don’t honestly know how else to look at this.”
“If you think my dad will turn around once he makes a stand on anything, you don’t know him very well. I’ve never seen him relent from a point of view or an angry stand he has taken. I hope this is not going to break my mom’s heart. She’s a strong woman, but she has always had to defer to his opinions. She said that it kept the peace not to argue, that it was pointless anyway.”
“Benjamin, maybe if you speak to your mother, maybe she can still gently intervene. I would be so sorry to see you and your father at odds. He has always been kind to me. Well, to the best of his abilities, of course. Let me know if there is anything I can do, sweetheart.”
Chapter 69
Homosexuality and Homosexuals
People were streaming in, quietly taking seats, greeting one another with tentative smiles or quick nods.
There were families there too, probably in support of a loved one, looking around expectantly, waiting nervously.
Around 6:00 p.m., the room was nearly full, exceeding the expectations of Bob and his team. They would have been glad to go through the whole trouble for just one.
Maria took the microphone and welcomed everyone. She did not say much. She just asked them all to stay after for refreshments and for a period of questions and answers with the experts. She quickly added that a free package would be given to every member in the audience.