Thou Shalt Not

by Jj Rossum

  “No, you aren’t stupid,” I said. I didn’t know what else to say.

  There it was, out in the open. I knew the feelings were there, but I wasn’t sure either of us was ever going to acknowledge them. I had spent so much time mentally on what was going to be happening with April, that I hadn’t been thinking much about what was happening right in front of me with Holly.

  I had thought Holly was too badass to let something like this bother her. I thought I’d be able to tell her and she would be understanding. We fuck each other; we fuck other people. But, I was stupid for thinking that, for trying to excuse what I was doing. And Holly was the one paying the price.

  “You aren’t the stupid one, Holly.”

  “Just shut the fuck up. Leave me alone.”

  I moved quickly to cut her off at her car door before she could reach it. She swung her arm at me, trying to either hit me or push me to the side, but she missed. Her feet moved backwards as she stepped away from me.

  “Move,” she said.

  “No.”

  “Get the fuck away from my car.”

  I didn’t move.

  “Let’s talk.”

  We stood staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity. I tried thinking of a way to explain everything, but “I’m sleeping with my married coworker” wasn’t a great way to start a conversation with a woman who was hurting and mad as hell.

  “Who is she?” she finally asked. I had known that question would come.

  “Her name is April,” I said.

  Her eyes got big, as if the name rang a bell.

  “The soup lady? The one you said was taking over Robin’s class?”

  God, how did she even remember that?

  “Yeah.”

  “So, you’ve had this secret girlfriend on the side and were just using me as a good ol’ fuck buddy who you could toss to the side whenever you had to?”

  “She’s not my girlfriend, Holly. It isn’t like that.”

  “You’re just fucking her too? What, is she married or something?”

  I could tell she meant the last part sarcastically, but when I didn’t answer immediately, she knew.

  “Oh my god, she is.”

  I was still standing in front of her car door, but she began pacing back and forth in a small space. Three feet to her right, then back to where she started and then three feet to the left.

  “It’s complicated, Holly. I can explain.”

  She held her hand up as she paced, silencing me.

  “How long?”

  “What?”

  She stopped pacing.

  “How long have you been fucking her?”

  I paused for a second to think. Had it really only been twenty-four hours ago that April and I had sex for the first time?

  “Since last night.”

  “Bullshit.”

  “No, Holly, it’s true.”

  I could tell she was processing the information.

  “So, that,” she said, pointing at the bra that I had balled up in my hand. “That is from last night?”

  “Yes.” I said. “I dropped her off at her house this morning before work. She left it here accidentally.”

  There was no use in lying to her now.

  “You only fucked her once?”

  I shook my head.

  “God,” she said, closing her eyes.

  “Her husband is abusive,” I said. I wasn’t sure why I had said it. The words had just kind of fallen out.

  “Oh, and you are saving her with your dick, is that it? Because I’m sure he’d be thrilled to know what his wife has been up to.”

  For a second I wondered what Holly would do with the information she had. If she would figure out who April was, and somehow contact Marco and tell him everything. I didn’t think she would do that. But, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

  “That’s not what I meant, Holly.”

  “Why her?”

  “Excuse me?”

  The look on her face was foreign. I had never seen her eyelids lower themselves that way, or her lips pull into a pucker like what I said tasted like an emotional lemon. It was hurt. Deep hurt. I clenched my fists.

  “Why her?” Her voice cracked again. “Why wasn’t I good enough?”

  My mind went searching for an answer. I was ashamed that I didn’t already have one. Why April? Because I thought she was sexy? Because I wanted to kiss her neck? Because she smelled good? Because she made me soup? Those wouldn’t hold up in any court, much less with Holly. It had all made so much sense at the time, but now I felt ashamed.

  I had so quickly thrown caution to the wind in starting something with April. I mean, god, I had only known her a few weeks. But I had been so focused on whether or not it was right to start something with her that I hadn’t bothered to stop and ask why I would be willing to start something with her in the first place. I had been happy with Holly. Very.

  So, why April?

  And then it hit me that I didn’t have a reason that made sense. And it would sound even more ridiculous if I feebly tried to explain it out loud. I wasn’t going to be able to convince Holly with an answer. I suddenly wasn’t even able to convince myself.

  God, what had I done?

  “I need to go,” Holly said. “Please. “

  Before I could step away from the door, headlights turned into the neighborhood. My heart sank. I knew I wouldn’t need to see the make or model of the car to know it belonged to April.

  “Shit,” I said. I reached a hand behind my neck and stared at the ground. Where was a fucking toothpick when I needed one?

  Holly turned to see the car that was heading toward my driveway.

  We both stood silently as April parked on the street. She lingered in the car for a minute, and I assumed she was checking to see if it was okay to come out.

  “You should probably go,” I told Holly.

  “No,” she said, standing her ground.

  The tension was thicker than any Florida humidity I had ever dealt with, and April had no idea what was going on yet.

  She got out of her car and took two steps before she could clearly see Holly’s eyes, and then she froze in her tracks. April’s eyes shot over to me, and then dropped to the bra still clutched in my hand.

  “Luke, what’s going on?”

  My thoughts were all over the place. I wanted April to leave so I could explain things to Holly. I wanted Holly to leave so I could explain things to April. I wanted to leave and let the two of them explain things to each other.

  No, that would be bad.

  “Maybe I should come back...?”

  “Oh, no,” Holly said, dripping with over the top niceness. “You’re fine. Luke was just explaining to me that he’s been fucking a married woman. Which I’m going to assume is you?”

  She gestured toward April like one of those game show models gesturing toward a prize. Toothpicks! Toothpicks! Where are the toothpicks?!

  “I’m not sure who you are,” April replied, in a tone I wasn’t even aware she possessed, “but, I don’t think it is any of your business who Luke is fucking, as you so tactfully put it.”

  When she said the word “fucking,” she added air-quotes. And her body straightened up. She was a bit taller than Holly. And she wanted Holly to know it.

  “Then, it shouldn’t bother you if I introduce myself. I’m the girl he’s been ‘fucking’ (more air quotes) for the past few years.”

  April laughed. It was a mean, spiteful laugh.

  “Clearly, his taste has improved in recent weeks.”

  It was a cold blow, maybe something you’d hear in a high school locker room, and Holly flinched. I did too.

  “April, that’s enough,” I said, holding my hand up in her direction, as if that would somehow stop her.

  “You picked a real classy one, Luke,” Holly said, no longer looking at April. I could tell she wanted to leave. I stepped away from her car door.

  “Well, it beats picking from the White Tra
sh Heap,” April said.

  Holly spun around toward April, the look in her eyes changing from hurt to rage in a flash.

  I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her toward myself and away from April, who had seen the look in Holly’s eyes and taken a step back herself.

  “Stop, April,” I said in the most forceful voice I could muster. I had no doubt that if I let go, Holly could inflict some serious damage.

  She stepped forward, showing a little more boldness now that her potential attacker was being harnessed.

  That’s when I felt something. I wasn’t protecting April from Holly. I was protecting Holly from April. I wanted to put my arms around her to ward off April’s words.

  “Your husband must be really proud,” Holly said, elbowing me in the ribs.

  I let go and she quickly got into her car before anything else could be done or said.

  I knew girls could be cruel with each other. Hell, I worked in a high school. But, I didn’t expect that from April.

  But, how could I really know what to expect? I barely knew her.

  Holly backed out of the driveway, spun her wheels to the left, and was out of my neighborhood in a heartbeat.

  And I wanted to go after her.

  “Geez, what a bitch,” April said, reaching up to grab my arm.

  I blocked her with my hand, transferring the bra to her hand instead.

  “She’s not a bitch.”

  The first time I had touched her skin I felt electricity. This time, I wasn’t sure what I felt. Sick to my stomach was more like it.

  “Okay. God. Sorry. I just wasn’t expecting to get attacked by a crazy woman tonight.”

  Holly wasn’t crazy. And surprisingly, she had exerted copious amounts of self-control. I felt irritated with April. I wanted her gone.

  “You should probably go home, April.”

  I needed time to think.

  “What? I just went and got my stuff.”

  “I know. But, you need to leave.”

  April took a step back, looking angry.

  “Fine,” she said, throwing her hands up in the air. “I’m leaving.”

  As she drove off, I half-sat and half-collapsed down onto my front step.

  “What the hell, Luke?” I said.

  “Pissed off women are worse than Hell.”

  I jumped up and turned in the direction of the voice. My heart almost burst through my chest.

  “Oh, fuck. God, you scared me.”

  Albert, my octogenarian neighbor, was standing next to one of the pillars outside his front door. A cigarette glowed in his hand.

  He was always outside smoking. I would see him out there four or five times a day. His wife had died years before, but she hadn’t allowed smoking in the house.

  “Just because she ain’t here, that don’t give me the right to break the rules,” he had once told me.

  We usually exchanged pleasantries, but never much else.

  He took a long drag and exhaled into the sky.

  “Did you see all of that?” I asked.

  I hadn’t noticed him standing there earlier. But, I had clearly been distracted.

  “Yup.”

  I hate drama, always have. I pride myself in avoiding it. But, here I was, putting on a soap opera for my neighbor. God, how humiliating.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He shook his head ever so slightly, like he saw people fighting in driveways every day.

  Albert tossed his cigarette to the ground and stomped it out with a boot that was probably older than I was.

  He turned to go inside, then stopped before he reached the door. His head turned back my way.

  “You know, that blond haired gal?” he said. “Every time I see her, she always smiles and says, ‘Hi Mr. Lang.’ I’ve told her a hundred times to call me Al, if I’ve told her once.”

  I’m not sure if I would have remembered his last name if someone was holding a gun to my head. I always called him Albert. Or Al. Or, I’d call him The Cigarette Smoking Man in my head.

  “Few weeks back, she drove me to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. Said she needed to go there anyway.”

  I knew nothing of this.

  He let out a sound that was a cross between a laugh and a cough.

  “But, funny thing is,” he said, shaking his head. “She didn’t buy a damn thing.”

  He reached for the door handle.

  “Goodnight, Luke,” he said.

  Within a minute, I was in my car, driving toward her condo.

  Holly, I’m sorry. Talk to me please? I texted as I drove.

  I didn’t expect a reply. And didn’t get one.

  I’m coming over, I sent next. Please talk to me.

  Still nothing.

  I got a text from April.

  Can you tell me what’s going on? it read.

  I ignored it and drove.

  The drive seemed longer because I spent it waiting nervously for Holly’s response.

  But one never came, and when I got to her condo, there was no sign of her car.

  Where are you? I sent.

  I tried calling her. Once. Twice. Four times. No answer.

  Give me ten minutes, Holly. Then you can ignore me all you want, I texted.

  Five was her response.

  Finally.

  Okay, five. Where are you?

  Driving.

  I’m at your place.

  I’m not.

  Yes, that’s pretty goddamn apparent.

  I couldn’t text that. But I thought it.

  Do you want me to meet you somewhere?

  Sure.

  God, the short answers made me want to scream.

  Where?

  It took a few minutes for me to get her response.

  It was a picture.

  Here, it said.

  I knew exactly where she was.

  I hadn’t been there in a long time.

  When I got to where she was, her car was the only one in the parking lot. Holly was sitting on a bench that I knew was the one we had been sitting on the last time I was there.

  While we had dated, two of her high school classmates had gotten married. Holly had practically begged me to go to the wedding with her, and although I put up a fight, I ended up going.

  I hadn’t been to a wedding since my own, and I wasn’t eager to go watch another one after how my marriage had ended up. Holly and I had never actually talked about my feelings regarding that, so she took my objections to going as me not wanting to meet her friends and get involved in her life. It wasn’t that, of course, but I didn’t want the argument, which was the main reason I went.

  The wedding brought back a lot of memories, and I found that it was a lot harder for me to get through than I had ever thought it would be. When it was finally over, I left the church as quickly as possible and found a wooden bench outside that overlooked the courtyard between the sanctuary of the church and the fellowship hall where the reception was going to be held. Initials were carved into the left side of the bench: KM+ WP.

  I needed to breathe, needed to clear my thoughts, needed to be looking at something other than two people promising to spend the rest of their lives with each other. I remember being tempted to yell out in the middle of the ceremony how “till death do us part” might come a hell of a lot sooner than either of them thought.

  When Holly had finally found me, I explained to her all that was going through my head. It had been almost like a mini-breakdown. But, I told her there was no way I was ready for a relationship. I told her maybe we were better off just being friends while I got my head on straight. She agreed and said she had been thinking those things too. We agreed to basically be friends with benefits while sitting on that bench. We then went into the reception after I assured her I would be okay.

  I hadn’t even given the church a second thought since then. But, there she was on that same bench.

  I sat down next to her. She didn’t try to stop me.

  KM+WP were still toget
her, at least if the bench was to be believed.

  Her eyes were wet, but there were no tears falling. There had been though, I was sure.

  “I wasn’t sure if you’d remember this place,” she said.

  “I did as soon as I saw the picture.”

  We both sat in silence for a moment. I had no idea what was going through her head.

  A squirrel ran across the courtyard.

  “I come here a lot. At night. It’s so peaceful.”

  I had expected anger, not whatever this was.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s nice.”

  “It’s ironic, though.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked,

  “I come here to clear my head, to get away. I look forward to it.”

  “How is that ironic?”

  “Because, this is where you broke my heart.”

  She said it so matter-of-factly that it took a second to sink in.

  “Wait. What are you talking about?”

  “You don’t remember our conversation here?”

  “No, of course I do.”

  “You told me we would make better friends than anything else, and we should stop while we were ahead.”

  Still, so matter of fact.

  “Well, yeah. But Holly, you agreed with me. You even said you had been thinking it too but hadn’t said so.”

  “What was I supposed to say, Luke? ‘No, I think you’re wrong?’ I wasn’t going to argue with you. You hadn’t been in a relationship since she died. I couldn’t tell you it was time to move on. You never would have spoken to me again.”

  “That’s not true.” But maybe it was.

  Holly continued on. It was obvious she had wanted to say all of this for a while. So, I let her talk.

  “So, I gave you space. I really did try to be what you needed. It hurt because I wanted to be with you. All the time. Not just as a fuck buddy. No girl just wants to be a fuck buddy. Ever. But, that’s what I thought you wanted so I just kept being that for you. God, I even dated other guys just to kill time while hoping you’d eventually come around. I never even slept with them, Luke. Not once.”

  “I thought you did? You said you did, didn’t you?”

  “No, I never did. I lied. I wanted you to think I was functioning in normal relationships. But, I couldn’t do it. I was having sex with you and even though it wasn’t as often as it would have been if we had been in a relationship, I didn’t want that with anyone else. I only wanted you.”