Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

  “So you’re saying there’s even more money coming to me? And Mavis never has to know?”

  He nodded.

  “Pops was one clever fellow.”

  “It’s thirty thousand dollars.”

  “That will be enough to look after my grandmother. It’s what Pops would want.”

  He stood up and held out his hand. “I can see why he thought you were so special.”

  Since no one was talking to me, I got kind of lonely in the days that followed the lawyer’s visit. I ended up calling Eric. He started babbling when I said it was me.

  “Can I come over?”

  “Heck, ya! Just give me fifteen minutes to clean up my room.”

  “I don’t care about that. Where do you live?”

  It was quite a hike to get to Edgar Street. My cheeks were raw by the time I arrived. Fortunately, his parents were out and it was just the two of us. Eric had a forgettable face, but he exuded niceness and that’s what I wanted.

  “May I sit down?” I pointed at his mother’s sofa.

  “Of course.”

  “Come sit with me.”

  He rushed over and sat very close to me. “Like this?”

  “Fine. Now kiss me.”

  He was all over me like slobbery dog. It took some time, but he eventually got the hang of it. Not that I was any expert, but I imagined your whole face didn’t need to get wet. Of course he wanted more, and I obliged up to a point but pushed him away when he got too excited.

  “What’s wrong?” he panted.

  “I want to be kissed without drowning and no touching below the waist.”

  “You really are the most peculiar girl. I’ve never had one tell me exactly what she wanted.”

  “You don’t ask, you don’t get. Also, slow down to fifteen miles an hour. You’re going sixty in a school zone.”

  It was a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, but after a while I got bored. So I left.

  “When can I see you again?” he shouted from his front door.

  “You’ll see me in school.”

  “No! Like this!”

  “Probably never. Goodbye.”

  “Farewell, my one true love!”

  On my way home, my limbs felt heavy. What was I doing? It seemed impossible that I had no one I could talk to. My inner circle had been erased over a couple of years. This must be what it’s like to die in the desert. You keep trudging forward, but no one comes to your rescue, and there is just empty space on the horizon.

  My anger burst out of the pocket I kept it in. Mama had had no choice but to leave me, but Pops had been planning it the whole time we were on our fishing trip. He took us all in with his parting gifts. Had that made it okay in his mind? To reassure us, after he was gone, about how much we were loved?

  Sorry, Pops. If you loved us, you’d be here, and I’d be able to slap your face.

  The rage kept building the closer I got to the house. But it wasn’t my house, according to Mavis. I was the little intruder who’d made her life miserable, the ungrateful bitch who was stealing their money.

  In the bathroom, I was staring at myself in the mirror. Here was the girl no one wanted. Maybe I didn’t want her either. Maybe she should become someone else. I went out into the kitchen, pulled open the cutlery drawer, and grabbed the scissors.

  I was still in the bathroom when I heard Mavis come through the door with Patty. It was the first time she’d come over since the lawyer’s visit.

  Mavis yelled, “Is there anything for supper?”

  I walked out into the kitchen. They both shrieked at the sight of me.

  “What did you do to your hair?!” Mavis cried.

  “I cut it, obviously.”

  “All that beautiful hair!” Patty shouted. “Are you crazy?”

  “I think so. I have news.”

  “Well, spit it out,” Mavis said.

  “You can have your money. I don’t want it. I don’t want anything from either of you. At times I’ve thought I loved you both, but I can’t live here anymore. As you so eloquently put it, you don’t even know who I am. I don’t know either, but I have a hunch I’ll be better off without you. I’m taking my belongings and Mama’s. And Pops’s fishing gear.”

  “Where will you go?” Patty asked.

  “To Gran’s. She likes me.”

  “But what about school?” Mavis said.

  “I imagine they have one in St. Peter’s.”

  “But what about looking after the house? Cooking?”

  “This house belongs to you, Mavis. And I’m pretty sure you’ll learn to cook when you start getting hungry.”

  For some reason, Mavis seemed agitated. “Look, I don’t see why it has to come to this. I appreciate you bowing out of the financial picture, because Patty is the rightful heir, but that doesn’t mean you have to leave the house or change schools. I don’t mind you here for now. I’ll even pay you to be a housekeeper, if you want. I don’t want people saying I kicked you out of the house.”

  “You’re not kicking me out, Mavis. I’m leaving because I have to. Kind of the same way Pops left, only my method isn’t quite as drastic.”

  She glared at me. “Don’t you dare insinuate my husband’s death was anything but an accident.”

  I looked at Patty. “Was it? Was it an accident, do you think?”

  Patty sputtered, “Of course it was an accident. Why would he leave us?”

  “Peace of mind? But at least we got our goodbye presents. That was so nice of him. And now that I’m letting you off the hook, you can celebrate with your monetary winnings. You can pretend I never existed. And I can pretend you both love me.”

  I don’t know what they did after that. I was busy cleaning up my hair from the bathroom floor and sink. After that I called Gran.

  “I’m coming to live with you, Gran, whether you like it or not.”

  “You know I’d love it, but what about school?”

  “I believe you’re allowed to transfer.”

  “What does Mavis say?”

  “Who cares?”

  “How will you get your things here? Do you want me to ask Donny to help you?”

  I flinched. “No, no. He’s a busy man. I’ll ask a friend.”

  Eric, who was in the depths of despair at the thought of me moving, manage to convince his father to help me take my things to St. Peter’s in his truck.

  Mavis stayed out of the way that morning. She was sniffling in her bedroom, not because I was going but because she was now left to handle things on her own. My prediction was she’d have the house sold within a month. She’d get an apartment and a maid. Maybe even a cook.

  I was wrapping it up when I remembered Pops’s pipes, so I went into his study and took three off his pipe rack. His favourite pipe and lighter were at the bottom of the ocean with him. An opened package of pipe tobacco was in his top drawer, so I took that too. Just as I was closing the drawer, I noticed a picture of him and Mama when they were kids, with their arms wrapped around each other, in their bathing suits. Donny was sticking his tongue out at them, naturally. I put it in my pocket for safekeeping.

  Mavis didn’t come downstairs when I left, but I glimpsed her peeking at me from behind her bedroom window. As I walked to the waiting truck, I realized that this was the last time I’d be in Pops’s house. His big, lovely house. Despite the endless tension within its walls, I loved it and was suddenly bereft at the thought of leaving it. That’s when I noticed Patty drive up. She must have been on her lunch hour. She got out of her car and met me at the end of the driveway. It was a blustery and frigid November day. Not exactly conducive for packing up one’s life.

  “I wanted to say goodbye. It didn’t feel right not to acknowledge your leaving. You’ve been a big part of my life, even if you were mostly a pain.”

  �
�Good luck, Cake. I imagine we’ll run into each other from time to time.”

  “Bridie. Do you really think Daddy killed himself?”

  Why did I always have to be the adult? “Of course he didn’t. He’d never have left us willingly.”

  She gave a big sigh. “That’s what I think.” She reached out and hugged me. “See ya around, squirt.”

  15

  Eric had his arm around my shoulder the entire way up to St. Peter’s, and because he was doing me a favour, I let it happen. Stuck in the middle of the front seat, I tried to keep my knees from touching his father’s. It was like being stuck in a jam jar. At least if I had been with Uncle Donny, I would’ve been justified carrying a letter opener or an actual knife and threatening him with it. This way, I was surrounded by male energy without any escape.

  Eric and his dad were perfectly nice; it was just that I was frantic about leaving and wanted to escape the heat blaring from the air vents. Eric talked nonstop about how disappointed he was that I wouldn’t be in school anymore.

  “You’ll get over it.”

  “I don’t think I will.”

  “I don’t think he will either,” said Eric’s dad. “You’re all he talks about.”

  “Eric, you have to get out more,” I said.

  Then he turned the conversation to my hair. “Why did you cut it? Not that it doesn’t look very nice short, but it was so beautiful.”

  “It’s hair. It’ll grow.”

  The sight of Gran’s house was a huge relief. I introduced her to Eric and his dad and they kindly trooped all my belongings upstairs for me. Gran had tea and a sliced pumpkin loaf on the dining room table and insisted they sit and have some nourishment before heading back to Sydney. We had a nice chat, but the whole time I was dying for them to go.

  Finally, they got up from the table and after they said thank you and goodbye to Gran, I walked them to the truck. I thanked Eric’s dad very much and he said it was no problem at all. No wonder Eric was so nice.

  I kissed Eric goodbye­—a short one; we were being watched. He hugged me and seemed genuinely distressed.

  “I’ll tell you what,” I said. “I’ll come back and be your date for prom next year. You can win the pool.”

  “Seriously? Thank you!”

  “Now go.”

  “Farewell—”

  “Farewell, Eric.”

  I turned and walked into my new home. Gran opened her arms and I headed straight for her.

  “I’m so tired,” I said.

  She rubbed my head. “Why did you cut your hair, honey?”

  “I don’t know. I was angry.”

  “My poor sweetheart. It must have been awful, leaving the house. What did Mavis say?”

  “Nothing. I didn’t see her.”

  “I could throttle that woman.”

  Stepping out of Gran’s hug, I sat wearily on the nearest kitchen chair. “I was glad she stayed away. Talking to Mavis is always a burden. Patty came to say goodbye.”

  “I suppose that’s something, but she’s not much better when it comes to empathy. Sometimes I find it hard to believe she’s George’s child.”

  “Well, they’re happy now. I gave them my share of Pops’s money.”

  Gran looked shocked. “No! Why would you do that? You’re going to need that money.”

  “I didn’t want to deal with them anymore, Gran. I have some money in another account that Pops put aside for me. They don’t know about it. They’ve always considered me a parasite, and this is the only way I can break free of them.”

  That first night, I couldn’t sleep. I missed my room badly. It was almost too quiet here. As my mind whirled, I wondered if I had done the right thing. Maybe I should have fought for my share. But whenever that thought took hold, I immediately felt suffocated. It was better to let it go, no matter what the consequences.

  By the time my transcripts were delivered to the high school in St. Peter’s, it was mid-December. I told the school I would start in January, since the loss of my father had hit me hard. They were fine with that; my grades were excellent. It gave me a few weeks’ breathing room to come to terms with my situation. Leaving the house in Sydney was a lot more emotional than I had bargained for.

  Living in the country with a barn and a dog was my dream—when my parents were alive. Being alone except for my elderly grandmother made me shiver at night. I wanted to be in my own bed, listening to Pops hum along with the kitchen radio as he prepared a midnight snack. How was it possible that I missed the arguments between Mavis and Patty as they stomped from room to room upstairs? That kitchen was alive with memories of Mama, and now I’d never see it again. The large, airy house was the only home I’d known and, in my haste to make a point, I’d left it too soon. A house was more than a building. It had its own energy, its own smell. I’d bet it missed me too. Hopefully Mavis wouldn’t burn it to the ground.

  Both Gran and I were sad, so it was tiring to try and be cheerful for one another. We finally agreed we could be silent if we wanted to, and that helped us in the long run.

  It also helped that I took driving lessons. I’d forgotten that Gran had a car, since she never drove farther than around town to do her shopping. Driving to Sydney was too much for her. It was a 1958 Ford two-door ranch wagon, much like the one Pops had. He probably picked it out for her, although why he thought she needed something so big was a mystery.

  Mr. Tremblay was my driving instructor. He was obsessed with country music and blared it from the car radio, which was a terrible distraction. I was in love with the Beatles, especially Paul McCartney, and listening to Buck Owens and His Buckaroos made my lessons just that much more excruciating.

  The first time he saw me he asked if I was a boy, which didn’t endear him to me. He talked my ear off, which I think was a strategy to see if I kept my attention on the road. The first time he let me loose on the highway it was exhilarating, like I was leaving behind all my troubles, but then I remembered my mother died in a car accident and that took the joy out of it. I couldn’t think about anything without it turning dark.

  That first Christmas without Pops was a pretty lonely affair. Gran didn’t want to leave the house, and I was relieved that we wouldn’t be seeing Uncle Donny and his family, since they decided to lie low too. Patty called me on Christmas Day, and I was happy to hear her voice.

  “What are you up too?” she asked.

  “I’m learning to drive, and I start school soon. Nothing exciting. You?”

  “Ray and I are going to have a baby.”

  “Hey! Congratulations! What does your mom think about that?”

  “She says she’s too young to be a grandmother. Typical.”

  “Well, I’m not too young to be an auntie. If you ever need a babysitter, I’d be happy to oblige.”

  “Thanks, Bridie. I knew I could count on you.”

  A week later I got a letter from Patty. Inside was a cheque for twenty-five thousand dollars. “If I was a better person, this would be for the full amount we owe you. Mom doesn’t know about this, so don’t say anything. I think I’m getting mushy, what with maternal hormones rampaging through my body.”

  I read it over and over again. Then I took it downstairs and held it in front of Gran. She put on her reading glasses and her mouth dropped open. “Land sakes. I never would’ve believed it. Well, she’s redeemed herself in my eyes.”

  “Should I keep it?”

  “Of course you should keep it. It’s yours and she knows it. Cash that before her mother finds out. How nice. I’m going to be a great-grandmother. Not that I’ll ever see the child, but still. A part of George lives on, and that makes me happy.”

  “I’m furious that he’s not going to see the baby. How could he be so selfish?”

  Gran smiled sadly. “You’re always going to feel that way, I’m afraid. It’s inevitab
le for the family left behind.”

  “So…you know what Pops did? That it wasn’t an accident.”

  “Oh yes, but I keep it to myself. Your children often disappoint you, but you love them anyway. You’re allowed to be angry at your Pops, Bridie. He doesn’t mind.”

  I deposited the cheque into my account the next day, and truthfully, I was very grateful for it. I picked up a card and wrote Patty and Ray a heartfelt note to express my appreciation. Patty was as close to a sister as I had, and I didn’t want to lose our connection. Pops would have been proud of her, and I told her that.

  After two and a half weeks of keeping to myself, it took everything I had to get up and walk to school. There was a bus I could’ve taken, and maybe I would during bad weather in the winter, but it was only a mile or more, so I much preferred to walk.

  Kids who’ve been together since primary at the same school can pick out someone new in two seconds flat. I was a curiosity, a firefly in a bottle, and all eyes followed me wherever I went. One thing I did notice was that I had the shortest hair of anyone in the school, including the boys.

  I presented myself to the principal. He shook my hand.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Bridie. I knew your dad when we were in school together. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

  I nodded. “Thank you.”

  He told me where my homeroom was and said if I had any concerns to come and see him.

  My classmates weren’t quite as fashionable as the ones in Sydney, but other than that, they looked exactly the same. You had your king and queen bee sitting together, the minions who followed them everywhere, the smart kids, the shy kids, and the criminals. The comedian spoke to me first.

  “Are you related to Twiggy?”

  The class snickered.

  “She’s my second cousin.”