Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

  She put the kettle on the stove and sat at the kitchen table. “Sit down, honey.” She seemed a bit nervous.

  I sat opposite her and waited. “What’s wrong, Gran?”

  “I feel it’s my duty, now that your mother and father are gone, to give you advice about the opposite sex. A birds-and-bees kind of talk, although I imagine you know the basics.”

  Oh, she was sweet. “I do know how it works, Gran.”

  “Well, I’m going to tell you what I know about men.”

  “Fire away.”

  She clasped her hands in front of her. “They don’t like bossy women. That doesn’t mean you can’t be bossy, but you have to hide it from them. Make them think everything’s their idea.”

  “Good. I’ll remember that.”

  “You know the expression, ‘Don’t give the milk away for free?’”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s a big one. They like to do the chasing. Make them wait.”

  I couldn’t resist. “Make them wait for what?”

  She shot me a look like she knew I was baiting her, but answered anyway. “Canoodling.”

  “Gotcha.”

  “Be kind. I raised two boys and I know how deeply they can be hurt by a woman. They have to put on a brave face so the world doesn’t know their hearts are broken. It can kill them in the end.”

  There wasn’t anything to say to that.

  We had tea and crackers and cheese, and then I went upstairs for a bath. Thinking about Pops was the last thing I wanted to do tonight, so I put him to bed in my heart and told him I’d bring him out tomorrow. Sometimes that was the only way I could cope. And I often soothed myself with the notion that Pops and Mama were at least together, somewhere out there.

  Trying to pick an outfit was daunting. I wished Patty were here. She always had good ideas about what to wear. In the end, I put on a plaid miniskirt and a white blouse with a Peter Pan collar, with red flats. My hair had grown out into a pixie cut, and was pretty cute. Short hair suited me. I felt grown up and liked the sensation of power it gave me. When my hair was long, I had felt vulnerable to the Uncle Donnys of the world.

  Not anymore.

  Jack arrived at the door on the dot of seven. He smelled divine and had on a new shirt. His blond hair was freshly washed. He held a bouquet, which he gave to my gran. She was delighted.

  Oh, he was good.

  Hobbs assumed he was going with us when we left for our walk to Big D’s. Poor Gran had to grab his collar and tempt him with treats to get him away from the door. My guilt lasted until we couldn’t see the house anymore.

  It was a lovely spring evening, and the peepers were out in full force.

  “This makes me so incredibly happy!” I laughed. “I never heard peepers on the street where I grew up. They’re the best thing about spring, don’t you think?”

  He grinned. “I never thought about it. I’ve grown up with them and hardly notice the sound anymore.”

  “But you must notice things like that. It’s the world welcoming you to another season. Like seeing robins, and hearing the creeks bubble and sing. You’ve been so fortunate to live in the country your whole life. Never take it for granted. Do you fish?”

  “No. Too boring.”

  I was wildly disappointed in that moment. “Too bad. It’s something else you could benefit from.”

  He looked away. “I have a feeling I’m not answering the way you want me to. That makes me nervous. I’ve never been nervous on a date before.”

  Gran’s voice popped into my head. “Be kind.”

  “Don’t be nervous. I’m just rambling. What do you like to do?”

  As we walked, he told me about riding horses. His parents owned a big farm and ranch, and he grew up surrounded by them. “Best animal in the world.”

  “All animals are the best. Dogs in particular.”

  “You’re going to have to meet my horse, Napoleon. You’ll fall in love instantly. Kind of like I did when I first laid eyes on you.”

  My hand went up. “I told you. Stop with the cheesy one-liners.”

  “I’m serious.”

  When I looked at him, he seemed perfectly sincere, which made me blush. How horrifying.

  We eventually made it to Big D’s, and the place was hopping with kids our age. All the booths were taken, and the Beach Boys hit “Good Vibrations” blared from the jukebox. We sat on two stools at the counter and were swarmed by Jack’s friends, most of whom I didn’t know, but when I looked around I saw Linda and Barbara at a booth with four empty milkshake glasses between them. They must have arrived early. They waved and made swoony faces and I had to turn my back on them before I laughed out loud.

  My fries were gone pronto, and I knocked back a strawberry milkshake rather hastily. The trouble was, I couldn’t hear the conversations over the music so I did a lot of smiling and nodding. Jack would lean forward and repeat what was said, but when he did my mind would go blank and I’d concentrate on how wonderful his warm breath felt as he whispered in my ear.

  Get a hold of yourself, Bridie.

  After a while I began to notice the dirty looks from some of the girls. Soon I’d be the most hated girl in school. But did I care? Not in the least. That’s something that happens when you lose people in your life. Very quickly, you learn what’s important and what’s nonsense.

  Eventually, I couldn’t stand the noise and asked Jack if we could go. He put down some money on the counter and took my hand. We made our way through the crowd and I looked back to wave at Barbara and Linda. They were still making kissy faces. If they paid attention to the other boys in the room they might have a better time.

  It was such a nice night out, but it had turned chilly and I’d forgotten to take a sweater. Jack made me wear his jacket and took my hand again once I had it on. The silence was refreshing, and we didn’t talk a whole lot on the way home. Just as we came around the corner of our driveway, before we would see the house, Jack stopped and put his arms around me and kissed me.

  He was a pro compared to poor Eric and I was literally shaking by the time he let me go.

  “I knew it was going to be like that,” he said.

  “You did? How did you know?”

  “I can’t answer; it would cross into cheesy territory.”

  I grinned. “I’ll give you immunity for ten seconds.”

  “Your lips were made for kissing.”

  “Okay, that’s pretty terrible.”

  “It’s the truth.” He kissed me again and I never wanted him to stop. This is what came from having a multitude of girlfriends to practise on.

  When I came up for air I whispered, “I don’t think I’m a good kisser. I haven’t had a lot of practise.”

  “You’re a natural.”

  How did he know just what to say?

  Eventually I knew he’d be taking home a couple of quarts of milk if I didn’t put a stop to it, so I unceremoniously broke away, panting, “My gran will be worried. I have to go.”

  He laughed. “You’re not Cinderella and it’s not midnight.”

  “I’m not wearing glass slippers, either, but I’m still saying good night.”

  I gave him back his jacket and ran into the house before he could say anything else.

  Gran was dozing in the kitchen rocking chair, with a sleeping Hobbs at her feet. They looked so cute together, but it wasn’t great that neither of them woke up with someone standing in front of them.

  “I’m home,” I said loudly.

  They blinked, and Hobbs was the first to greet me. He forgave me for not taking him on my walk, in the way that dogs do.

  “Did you have a nice time, honey?”

  “Yes, but that jukebox at Big D’s is much too loud.”

  “You sound like an old woman,” Gran chuckled. “I think I’ll go to bed.”
She kissed me as she went by. “Lock up.”

  I took Hobbs outside for his nightly pee and watched the stars as he rooted around in the grass for the perfect spot. Whenever I looked to the heavens at night, I felt like a grain of sand amidst all that splendour. What was it like for my parents to be a part of that vast blackness? Could they see me? Would Mama and Pops like Jack? Did they miss me?

  All I know is that being in Jack’s arms made the world a little less lonely. Wasn’t that a good thing?

  Before I knew it, I was Jack Morris’s girlfriend, and everyone at school was aware of the fact. The death stares from girls decreased as the inevitable sank in, and they didn’t want to seem pathetic so they pretended it didn’t bother them in the least.

  Barbara and Linda were suddenly promoted to cool girls, as they hung around with me and Jack from time to time. They both started going out with a couple of Jack’s friends and now we had a little gang—but most of the time, Jack and I were alone. He took me out to his ranch to meet his mom and dad.

  “This is my mother, Diane, and my father, Yardley. This is Bridie.”

  His mother approached me first. “So nice to meet you, Bridie. Jack has never brought a girl home, so this is a treat for me.”

  We shook hands. Then his father took my hand. He was a large version of Jack. “A pleasure, I’m sure.”

  Jack wanted me to meet his younger brothers, but they were scattered to the wind. Instead I met the famous Napoleon and I had to say, he was a magnificent beast. He was too intimidating to ride alone, so I got in the saddle with Jack and he put his arms around me to hold the reins. We walked through his parents’ fields, enjoying the sunshine, and as I leaned against Jack’s chest, I found myself relaxing for the first time in years.

  Aunt Betty asked me if I had a dress for the prom.

  “Of course not.”

  “Do you want me to take you to Sydney to look for one? I don’t mind.”

  The thought of anyone other than Mama going with me made me sad.

  “No, that’s okay.”

  It did occur to me that a lot of eyes would be on Jack and me at the prom, so I wasn’t completely against the idea of looking great. It just seemed so petty. I said as much to Gran.

  “Where did you get the idea that you’re letting yourself down if you want to be pretty? It’s perfectly normal to want to look nice. Your trouble is, you think too much. Drink a glass of warm milk every night before bed.”

  Sometimes Gran’s advice made no sense.

  But she did suggest I go see Nell Sampson down the road. She made very pretty dresses. “But she’s an odd duck, so don’t be alarmed if she bites your head off.”

  As soon as I drove the car up the laneway, I remembered coming here when I was thirteen. There was the cabin with its horrible history, and then the gingerbread house came into view. It made even more of an impression on me this time. It was an outstanding building, so imposing, perched as it was with the woods surrounding it like a secret. It was right out of a book. I loved it.

  A dog announced my arrival and Nell came out of the house. It was her! The woman who’d made no sense at the church hall when Pops died. I knew I’d seen her somewhere before. When I stepped out of the car, her face was puzzled, and then she seemed to recognize me. Again, she looked frightened.

  “Are you Nell?” I said.

  She nodded.

  “My gran told me to come here. She said you made beautiful dresses.”

  “You mean Jean Mackenzie?”

  “Yes. I need a dress for the prom.”

  “You don’t graduate until next year.”

  That was the last thing I expected her to say. How did she know? “I’m going with someone who’s graduating this year.”

  “Well, I’m very busy. You should’ve come sooner.”

  “Oh. Okay then. Sorry I bothered you.”

  I got back in the car, but before I could turn the engine on she waved me back, so I got out again. I was starting to feel like a jack-in-the-box.

  “I can fit you in. Follow me.”

  Nell and her dog went into the house, so I trotted behind them. The kitchen was a dream, everything I’d want in a kitchen if I had my own. It was so lived in. Two cats stared at me, one on the windowsill over the sink and the other near the wood pile by the stove.

  “Hello?” I whispered.

  “In here,” Nell barked.

  In my haste, I tripped over the dog in the doorway. “Sorry.”

  “Dog! Make way.”

  Dog lumbered over to the fireplace and flopped on the mat.

  “It was my fault entirely,” I told Nell.

  “Do you want a short dress or a long dress?”

  “Umm. I don’t know.”

  “I think it’s ridiculous for young girls to have long gowns. The only time you should have a long dress is at your wedding, and even then, it’s an option and not a necessity.”

  “That settles it then. I’ll have a short one.”

  She picked up her measuring tape and put it around her neck. “What colour?”

  “Umm. I don’t know.”

  “Pink, I think. It would go well with your skin tone.”

  “But isn’t pink a silly colour?”

  She looked exasperated. “What does that even mean? Pink is everywhere. It’s the colour of a rose, a sunset, a rainbow, a kitten’s toes. It’s delicate and soft. It looks like you.”

  Why did I feel simultaneously complimented and reprimanded?

  “That sounds fine, then. Thank you.”

  “What style do you want?”

  I paused.

  “Let me guess. You don’t know.”

  I nodded and then shook my head too, just in case.

  “Why don’t you just leave it to me?”

  “Okay.”

  “Lift up your arms so I can take your measurements.”

  She was very brisk and efficient, though she seemed to have a hard time touching me, almost as if she was afraid to let her fingertips linger on my skin. Her face was stony and yet vulnerable. I was aware of her glancing at me when she thought I wasn’t looking, almost as if I were a sculpture in a museum or a curiosity of some kind.

  It felt awkward.

  “That’s all I need. When do you want the dress?”

  “For the last week of June.”

  “It will be ready.”

  “Thank you very much. How much do I owe you?”

  “We’ll discuss that when I’ve finished the dress.”

  “Of course. Thank you again.”

  She didn’t follow me out into the kitchen so I left, taking one last look around. Gran was right. She was an odd duck.

  The next time Jack and I were riding Napoleon, he asked me what colour my dress was, because he wanted to buy a corsage.

  “Pink.”

  “That’s a surprise.”

  “How so?”

  “I’ve never seen you wear pink.”

  “Pink is the colour of a rose, a sunset, a rainbow, and a kitten’s toes. It’s delicate and soft, like me.”

  “I stand corrected.” He kissed the back of my neck. “You’re right. Delicate and soft.”

  The day came when I had to collect the dress from Nell. Gran insisted on giving me the money to pay her.

  “It’s my gift to you, sweetheart. Now take it.”

  When I rapped on the door, the dog barked and Nell said, “Come in. I’m in the studio.”

  I waved at the cats as I went through into the workroom. My dress was on a dressmaker’s dummy.

  “Here it is,” Nell said.

  It was the most beautiful dress I’d ever seen. The perfect shade of pink, like the inside curve of a seashell. It was sleeveless, with a straight neckline across the shoulder blades. It had an empire waist, and the
bodice was made with tiny white and pink flowers, but the rest of the dress was chiffon. There was a satin bow right underneath the bodice, with the ends as long as the hem itself, which came above my knees.

  All I could do was gape.

  “Do you like it?”

  “I love it! It’s breathtaking! You’re a genius!”

  “Would you like to try it on, in case I have to do any last-minute adjustments? You can get undressed behind the screen.”

  She passed me the dress and I threw off my shorts and top and shimmied into it. “You’ll have to help me with the zipper.” I came out and turned around for her to zip me up. I faced the mirror and couldn’t stop looking at myself. “This is perfect.”

  “It is perfect,” I heard her say. “Do you mind if I take a picture of you in it? I like to keep an album of my dresses.”

  “Not at all.”

  I turned around and she had a camera ready. My hair was every which way, and I had old sandals on, but I supposed the point wasn’t what I looked like, but the dress.

  She took a couple of pictures and then put the camera down. “I don’t need to do anything else to it. The measurements were bang on.”

  “I can’t thank you enough.” I managed to get the dress off myself and put my clothes back on. With it draped over my arm, I emerged from behind the screen. Nell had a plastic dress bag ready for me to place my outfit in.

  “My gran will be so excited to see this. She gave me the money. How much do we owe you?”

  “Nothing.”

  “But it’s gorgeous! You can’t take nothing for it.”

  “Your grandmother has been very kind to me over the years. It’s my way of thanking her. I hope you have a wonderful time at the prom.”

  “Gee, I don’t know what to say. Thank you very much. I’ll always treasure it. I just wish Mama and Pops could see it.”

  Before I knew what I was doing, I reached over and gave Nell a peck on the cheek. She didn’t seem to mind.

  When I showed Gran the dress, she got misty. “Oh my. Oh my.”

  “She wouldn’t take any money for it. She said it was her way of thanking you for being so kind to her over the years.”