Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

  So that’s what I did. My whole brain was sideways and pounded like a drum. My limbs were heavy, like I’d been beaten, and my insides felt empty and lost. I kept reliving the moment I knew Eric was going to put me in the trunk of the car. He could’ve killed me and no one would have known where to find me.

  Playing with Pup kept my mind off things. He helped me feel more normal. Patty wanted me to spend another night, but I told her I felt like I was coming down with something and I didn’t want Pup exposed to it.

  She held me close when I said goodbye. “Come back anytime. I miss you when you’re gone. Can you believe I’m saying that?”

  I laughed. “No, imagine what Pops would say!”

  The Texaco man filled my car and wiped my windshield until it sparkled. He had such a nice smile. There were still gentlemen out there. But as I was leaving, his arm shot through the window and his hand touched my shoulder. I screeched and jumped back.

  “I’m terribly sorry, miss. You forgot your receipt.”

  I nodded and whispered my thanks, throwing the receipt onto the seat next to me. I had to get my act together before I got home.

  It was the longest drive of my life. There was no way I wanted to be in Sydney, and yet there was no way I wanted to sit with Gran and chat about the baby. Talking to Jack would be unbearable. He’d asked me not to go and I’d dismissed him. I know it wasn’t the worst that could’ve happened, but I felt defeated and vulnerable just the same.

  My only thought was to spend time with Pops. Go find a river and sit beside it. I chose Grand River, because it was close to home, but still far enough away that I wouldn’t run into anyone I knew. There was a spot that Pops had taken me to. Eventually I found it and got out of the car and walked for a while.

  There was a sandy clearing near the water with three large boulders that pressed against each other as if for comfort. You could settle yourself between them like an armchair and no one could see you if they were walking by from the road.

  I told Mama and Pops what had happened, and I cried. Then I cried because I was making this a huge issue. It was a stupid episode and I’d gotten away.

  But only just.

  Pops always said that sometimes a moment can change your life. That every moment was a big deal, if we only paid attention.

  The sun was going down by the time I got back into the car. When I pulled into the yard, Hobbs jumped and ran around with excitement. My chest started to pound. Here was a being made of pure joy. If Hobbs had been with me, this wouldn’t have happened. If I’d stayed at home on Saturday, Jack and I could’ve taken Hobbs for a walk.

  Naturally, Gran wanted to hear all about the trip, and I said it wasn’t anything special, that I’d been too tired from the night before to really enjoy myself, that I should’ve stayed home. Then she asked about Pup and I told her he loved the cake and that Mavis and Patty had a good time together while eating it. That seemed to please her.

  Once again, I faked a yawn and said I really had to hit the hay. As I gathered my belongings, she spied my dress.

  “What happened to your beautiful dress?”

  “Oh, I fell in the parking lot and it got ripped. There’s dirt on it too. I don’t think I’ll be wearing it to any more proms.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad. Give it to me. I’ll try and get the dirt out of it.”

  I couldn’t tell her I never wanted to see it again.

  The next morning, I heard the phone ring. Gran shouted up the stairs: “It’s Jack!”

  “I think I have the flu. Tell him I’m sick and I’ll call him when I feel better.”

  My “flu” lasted for two days. Jack got impatient and came over anyway.

  Gran dithered by my bedroom door. “What should I tell him? He brought chicken soup.”

  That was so sweet. I missed him. “Tell him I’ll be right down.”

  It really wasn’t a stretch to make myself look pathetic. My face in the mirror was horrific, with pale blotchy skin and dark circles under my eyes. Very flu-like. I’d be able to fool him.

  The minute I walked into the kitchen and saw him standing there, I put my hands over my face and started to cry. Jack immediately took me in his arms. Hobbs jumped up on me and Gran wrung her hands. “What’s the matter with her?”

  He hushed me like a baby. “You’re okay. Tell us what happened. We’ll listen.”

  I told them every miserable moment.

  My Gran rushed out of the kitchen at one point. I looked at Jack. “I’ve upset her.”

  “I’ll see if she’s okay. Here, sit in the rocking chair.” He put an old quilt around me. I didn’t tell him it was Hobbs’s blanket; Hobbs didn’t mind me using it, anyway.

  When Jack returned, he put on the kettle and made a pot of tea. He even rooted around and found a tin of chocolate-covered biscuits, which he put on a plate. Suddenly I was ravenous. And very calm.

  He called up the stairs. “Mrs. Mackenzie, come and have some tea. Bridie and I are having a cup.” Gran did come back and sat at the kitchen table. We sipped our tea together.

  “What should we do?” Gran said.

  “I don’t want you to do anything,” I told them. “I’m not going to the police. I can’t prove that he did anything. As a matter of fact, I travelled a long way to go to the prom with him, which makes me look desperate. There were no witnesses. I didn’t call for help when I could have, which is suspicious, now that I think about it. Why didn’t I yell for help in the gym?”

  Jack looked at me. “You said he knew where Pup lived, and that frightened you.”

  “Oh, right. But what a stupid thing to think.”

  Jack reached over and rubbed my shoulder. “No one would think clearly in that situation. It was just a thought.”

  The tension went out of my body when Jack talked like that. “Why are you so smart?”

  “I’m not that smart. I shouldn’t have let you go.”

  Gran shook her head. “You didn’t know any more than she did that this would happen. It’s no one’s fault. Only Eric’s. And here I was, giving him and his father tea and pumpkin loaf! What was I thinking?”

  That made me laugh. “Yes, Gran. It’s your pumpkin loaf that did it. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  She wiped her eyes with Kleenex. “This isn’t a laughing matter.”

  “Would you mind if I spoke to Bridie alone, Mrs. Mackenzie?”

  “Of course, dear. You’ve been wonderful. I don’t know what we’d do without you. I’ll be upstairs, Bridie, if you need me.”

  “Thanks, Gran.”

  Jack sat in the rocker and I curled up in his lap, with my head under his chin. He had one arm around me and his other hand rubbed the ends of my toes. How did he know they were cold?

  We sat for a long time and rocked together, Hobbs with his nose on Jack’s leg, which made him look like he was nodding yes very slowly. That made me happy.

  “I’m sorry. I dismissed your concerns and went anyway.”

  “You are stubborn but don’t forget, you kicked his ass. You did that all by yourself.”

  When I snuggled into him, he tightened his grip on me. Right here I was safe, and that’s all that mattered.

  I kept nodding off, so Jack told me I needed to get a good night’s sleep and he’d see me in the morning. We kissed each other and I was reassured.

  But Jack banged the back door when he left and slammed the door to his father’s truck before ripping skid marks in the gravel driveway as he tore out on the highway, his squealing tires burning.

  I ran into Gran’s room. She pulled down the covers and I crawled in beside her, curling up to her warmth.

  “He’s going to get hurt. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “Let him handle this in his own way. Men have their own sense of justice. Let him be.”

  “But if he kil
ls Eric, he’ll go to jail.”

  “I very much doubt he’ll kill him, but I sure wouldn’t want to be Eric right about now.”

  “I don’t know where he thinks he’s going. He doesn’t even know where Eric lives.”

  “Oh yes, he does. I told him.”

  19

  September 1968

  A little more than a year later, on my eighteenth birthday, I realized there were major decisions that needed to be made. Like what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

  The year after I graduated from high school, I spent most of my time with Gran. She had developed a few health issues—nothing drastic, but they impeded her energy enough to change her lifestyle somewhat—so I told Aunt Betty that I was going to stay close to home until things sorted themselves out. My future could wait.

  Whenever someone asked me what I’d like to do next I didn’t have an answer, which made me terribly guilty because I knew that Pops assumed I’d be heading for university. But the thought of living away from home and leaving Jack didn’t make sense to me at this point in my life. I’d already made my big “starting over” move when I left Sydney. Now I understood how Patty felt at the idea of leaving Ray. We were like every other dumb girl who loved a boy: hopeless.

  The one thing I still enjoyed above anything else was baking. But how do you parlay that into a job? Especially in a small town where every second housewife was a crackerjack baker.

  Aunt Betty to the rescue.

  She came in one day to get the latest gossip, although why she thought she’d get it from Gran and me, I’ll never know. We never went anywhere.

  “I hate to bake. I’d pay you to do it for me. I have a few friends who are always grumbling about it too. I could give them a call and see if they want some loaves or buns every so often.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Betty! That would be great.” I ran out to the secretary desk in the living room and rushed back with a pen and paper. “What would you like?”

  I’d caught her off guard. “Well, I’m not sure right this minute.”

  “Bread? How many? Three loaves? Four dozen cookies to start. I could bake you a lemon pie. I’ve been practising Gran’s recipe on Jack and I’m not sure he can eat any more.”

  “Can I get back to you? I’ll have to see what’s in my pantry.”

  She never did get back to me.

  Gran rolled her eyes when I complained about it. “Did you honestly expect Betty to go home and try and figure out what she needed? That would require brainpower. Why don’t you go down to the general store and see if they’d like some fresh baked goods? That’s something the supermarket doesn’t have.”

  That morning, I baked tea biscuits, bread rolls, cinnamon rolls, two zucchini loaves (since Aunt Betty kept trying to get rid of all the zucchini from Uncle Fraser’s garden), a batch each of chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, and peanut butter cookies. Everything was done by eleven.

  Then Hobbs and I set off for a brisk walk down to Burke’s store, carrying a big wicker basket of goodies covered with a red checkered tea towel. I thought if I looked like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, people would be more receptive.

  “Don’t bark, Hobbs. I’m trying to make a good impression.”

  Hobbs promised he’d be a good boy.

  I sauntered in as if it were a last-minute decision to peruse the joint. There was a young man behind the counter I’d never seen before. Well, maybe he wasn’t young, but he wasn’t old either. I couldn’t tell. He had a baby face, with the blackest hair and the bluest eyes. I wondered where Mr. and Mrs. Burke were.

  He spied me and flashed a lovely smile. “Good day, miss. And isn’t it a fine morning?”

  “Hello. You sound Irish.”

  “Why, yes indeed, fiddle-dee-dee. Is it that noticeable?”

  He made me laugh. “Just a bit. What do you think, Hobbs?”

  Hobbs sat at my feet and grinned. He’d promised to be a good boy.

  “And where are my manners?” He removed his cap. “I’m Danny Flynn from Dublin, and you are?”

  “Bridie Mackenzie, and this is Hobbs.”

  “Pleased as punch to meet the two of you. May I interest you in anything from this shop? I told my uncle that I’d do my best to make sure the place didn’t fall into insolvency while he’s being operated on at the hospital.”

  “Oh dear. Nothing serious, I hope?”

  “Well, we won’t know that until they cut into him, I’m afraid. All we can do is hope for the best.”

  “I’ll keep him in my prayers.”

  He smiled and put his cap back on. “I’m sure he’ll have a speedy recovery, then.”

  I looked down at my basket. “Now I’m not sure what to do. I came to discuss some business with Mr. Burke.”

  “As I am the one Uncle Tim put in charge, I’m sure he’d be delighted if we discussed business.”

  There was no backing out now. I unfurled my tea towel. “How does this look to you?”

  His eyes grew big. “That, sweet lady, is the prettiest sight this side of Galway.”

  “Would you like to try a sample or two?”

  “Is the Pope Catholic?” He reached out and took a cinnamon roll and an oatmeal raisin cookie. He ate both with deliberate relish and even saved the last piece for Hobbs.

  “That was delightful, Bridie. Did you know that Bridie is an Irish name?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “It’s a nickname for Bridget, which happens to be my mother’s name. So, whatever you are selling, Bridget, I am determined to buy it.”

  “Really? The whole basket?”

  “The whole basket.”

  “I’m not sure what I should sell it for. I didn’t think I’d get this far.”

  “How does fifteen dollars sound?”

  “Are you joking? Okay!”

  He went to the cash register and retrieved the money. “There you are, miss, with my everlasting gratitude.”

  I took all the baked goods out of the basket and placed them on the counter. “Thank you very much, Mr. Flynn! Have a good day!”

  Hobbs and I fairly flew out the door and ran back home. I was flushed by the time I made it to the kitchen, whereupon I waved my money in Gran’s face. “I made a sale! I have to bake more!”

  The next morning I was ready to go with more delectable goodies. This time I took the car, since I had a lemon pie sitting on the top of the pile, and I didn’t want it smooshed. Once again, I traipsed in and was greeted by the fabulous Mr. Flynn.

  “Bridie! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “I’ve come with more baking!” I looked around. “You must have sold everything you bought yesterday. Look what I have for you today.” Once again, I threw the towel off as if I were a magician. “Who doesn’t love a lemon meringue pie?!”

  He opened his mouth and then closed it again.

  “Is there something wrong?”

  “No, not at all. I just didn’t realize you wanted me to sell your wares.”

  “You didn’t sell them?”

  “Well, no.”

  “What did you do with them?”

  “I ate them.”

  “You ate them?”

  He nodded.

  “All of them?”

  He nodded again.

  “But you need to sell them in the store. I can make a batch of baking like this every morning, and you sell it for me and give me the money.”

  “I see. And what does the store get out of it?”

  “People come into the store to pick up my baking and remember that they need lighter fluid, or steel wool, or bacon.”

  “Or because I’m providing the premises for you to reach a greater audience for your cookies, you would give me a percentage of your take. That way everyone’s happy. Well, not me, because I can’t eat your cookies.”
>
  “That sounds reasonable. But now I have to figure out how much I should sell my baking for. If it’s too low, I won’t break even. If it’s too high, it won’t sell.”

  The bell rang over the door and two women walked in. Danny shooed me away and took the goodies out of the basket.

  “Good morning, ladies. And a fine morning it is, is it not?”

  They twittered at him. No wonder. What a pleasure it was to hear that lovely lilt instead of grumpy old Mr. Burke.

  “Can I interest you in some marvellous baking this morning? Perhaps your dear husbands would like a special dessert tonight, or a member of the clergy will happen to drop by. Wouldn’t it be thrilling to have a treat just waiting for his holiness in the pantry?”

  One of the ladies took home the pie and the other took home a zucchini loaf and a dozen peanut butter cookies. When they left, Danny and I did a jig.

  A week later, I was sure I’d found my calling. Hobbs and I made our morning delivery, as usual, but Danny looked a bit distracted. He was dealing with a few customers, so I ambled along the back aisle, just waiting for the men to leave. I lost sight of Hobbs. I didn’t want to interrupt Danny, so I crept along the aisles, trying not to be seen. Finally, I spied Hobbs’s tail wagging by the end of the front counter.

  “Hobbs!” I whispered. “Here, boy.”

  He ignored me, which was unusual, so I quickly crouched down and held him by the collar. Hobbs had half a banana loaf in his mouth. Most of yesterday’s baking was under the counter as well. Looking at it, it was more like three days’ worth.

  I knelt there feeling sick while Hobbs ate the last of the loaf. I heard Danny say goodbye to the gentlemen, and then he knelt by my side.

  “It’s a tragedy, for sure. I’ve eaten as much as I could, but I’m afraid my pants are getting too tight.”

  “I thought this was a good idea.”

  “And so it was! But the market is a fickle thing. There’s supply and demand. In this case, we have too much supply and not enough demand. Now if we were in a mining camp with no women for miles, your baked goods would be worth a fortune.”

  I stood up and sighed.

  “I hope this won’t discourage you from coming to the store. You’ve been a bright spot in my day, so you have.”