Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

“If I had to pick who was telling the truth, I’d pick Nell. That grandfather, Bernard, always thought he was above the law. I can see him passing that along to his boys. But never to Jack, my love. He’s a wonderful young man. And a credit to his mother, Diane, who really was so excited about having you in her family.”

  Aunt Betty’s chins were trembling. “Yardley Morris is a no-good rat. All politicians are slimy bastards.”

  I knew that Gran was telling the truth, but I didn’t want to believe it. The police chief had given me a glimmer of hope and I didn’t want to lose it.

  Angus Turnbull stood up. “That’s where it stands, and it goes without saying that I will be contacting you as further developments arise. If you need anything, you know where I am.”

  We muttered our thanks and he left.

  I stood up as well. “I can’t deal with this anymore. Thank you for staying and being here to support me, but I need to be alone.”

  Everyone hugged me goodbye, even Mavis. I’m sure they were feeling relieved to be going home.

  “Gran, I’m taking a bath. And I need Hobbs to come with me.”

  “In the tub?”

  “I haven’t gone nuts. I just want to look at his sweet face while I soak.”

  “Okay honey. Take all the time you need.”

  Lying in hot water up to my chin helped enormously. Looking down at Hobbs was also a blessing. He lay with his head between his paws, but whenever I peeked over, his eyes found mine and I was reassured.

  The idea of crying didn’t soothe me. The idea of never being bothered again did. The world needed to let me be. Even Jack. The thought of seeing him gave me the shakes, and then I thought about what last night must have been like for him. To hear his father denounced. To know that it was his father’s fault we couldn’t be together. His sorrow beat mine by a country mile.

  Eventually, I wandered back downstairs and saw Gran had fallen asleep in front of the television. She was worn out, so I covered her in a blanket and left her alone. No sense in waking her up to send her to bed. Then Hobbs whined at the door and I opened it to let him out to pee.

  That’s when I saw Jack’s truck. It was idling.

  Slowly, I put on my coat and boots and walked to the truck. There was nothing to prepare me for when I opened the door, so that took a few moments. Jack wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring into space.

  I was sitting in the passenger side before he acknowledged me.

  “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  There was nothing to say.

  “How long have you been here?”

  “An hour, maybe.”

  “Why didn’t you come in?”

  “I didn’t want to see your grandmother.”

  “She thinks you’re wonderful.”

  He made a face. “I guess I take after my mom.”

  “The police chief came to see us.”

  “Yeah, he was at our house last night.”

  “So maybe Nell Sampson is deranged and your dad isn’t my dad. We can get married and forget all about this.”

  He gave me a pitying look. “Is that what you think, Bridie? That this spinster made it all up and now she’s going to ruin my dad by telling this crazy story and making our lives miserable just for the hell of it? That he conveniently lost his knife at her house, but instead of giving it back to him, she kept it all these years so she could use it as a prop for her accusations?”

  My heart started to race and my cheeks went hot. “What are you saying?”

  His face twisted. “He did it. I know the bastard did it. He’s always taken what he wants. I’ve seen him in action countless times. People do what he says, or there’s consequences. I’ve lived with it my whole life. And I had to listen to my mother cry all night long because she knows he did it too. He’s making up bullshit to cover his tracks. He doesn’t care who he hurts or who he lies to as long as he gets off the hook. He’ll never admit to it. It would ruin his career. That woman on the hill has no reason to hurt us. Did you see her face last night? Did you hear the agony in her voice? She loved your mother. She loved her. And when she bravely went to tell my grandfather what she’d seen, he told her to keep her mouth shut or he’d burn down her house. And there’s another person who is perfectly capable of saying something like that, because I’ve seen him in action too.”

  My head kept shaking no.

  He grabbed my shoulders. “It’s true, Bridie. The whole thing is true. I know it in my bones. I don’t want to believe it. Don’t you think I want to say that the spinster is lying and that we can get married? Nothing would make me happier, but I’m not about to be covered in lies ever again. You and I are related by blood. And according to the laws of this country, we can’t get married. That’s the horrible truth.”

  “Let’s run away. Take me away right now and we’ll drive until we can’t drive anymore and we won’t tell anyone where we are. We can live our whole life and people will never know.”

  “We’ll know.”

  “I don’t bloody care. We can promise to never have children, if that’s what they’re so worried about. It will just be the two of us. I’m good with that. Please, Jack. Let’s go.”

  He let me go instead.

  “I’m leaving, Bridie. Not you. Me.”

  I hit him. “Don’t say that. What are you talking about?”

  He looked out the windshield again. “I’m going and I’m never coming back. My mother knows. She told me to take the truck, and she’s given me money to make a new start.”

  “No! I have money. I can take my father’s money and we can have a new life.”

  “I can’t live in that house anymore. I can’t look at my father or I’ll kill him. Mom’s right. I need to get away from here. She’s stuck. She can’t go because of my brothers, but one day I’ll make enough money and I’ll send for her.”

  “Are you going to send for me too?”

  He turned to me. “No, Bridie. I will love you forever, but I want you to be free. Free to love someone else, because I know there will be a man who will one day win your heart, and he’ll be the luckiest guy alive.”

  I wiped my nose with my sleeve. “Why don’t you say something cheesy? That’s what I want.”

  He gave me a small smile.

  “How can you leave me alone?”

  “I’m not. I want you to look after Napoleon for me. Mom will arrange for you to take him when you’re ready.”

  I held my face in my hands. “Jack, please don’t leave me.”

  “Get out of the truck.”

  “Please don’t leave me.”

  “Get out of the goddamn truck, Bridie!”

  I screamed at him. “I hate you! I hate you so much!” I jumped out of the truck and slammed the door and instantly he put his foot on the gas and made a big turn, the tires sliding in the snow. I ran after him.

  “Don’t go, Jack! Don’t go!”

  His tail lights disappeared through the trees. I kept running until I slipped on the ice and fell, sprawled on the hard gravel. I rolled over and saw the grey clouds skitter away as I watched them. Hobbs ran to me, thinking this was great fun, and licked my face. I held him and wept into his curly coat.

  21

  My grandmother called the bank and asked if I could have a leave of absence. Mrs. Beliveau asked Gran when she thought I could return to the bank. Gran hesitated and said she didn’t know. Mrs. Beliveau sympathized greatly but said they needed the position filled. It wasn’t anything personal. And if at some point I did want to return and they happened to have an opening, they’d be delighted to have me back. Gran thanked her for her time.

  She told me this as she was spooning soup into my mouth. I never got out of bed; the only time I ate anything was if she brought it up to me. She tried being sympathetic, amenable, and worried, but nothing worked.

>   After a couple of weeks, it became our routine. She even tried to make me feel guilty by saying that Hobbs was getting depressed not going for his walks. But he didn’t look depressed to me. He was very happy curled up next to me on the bed.

  One day I heard the phone ring downstairs, and a couple of minutes later Gran yelled up, “It’s Patty. She wants to talk to you.”

  “Tell her I love her and thanks for calling, but goodbye.”

  “Bridie Jane Mackenzie! You get off your ass and come down here and speak to your sister!”

  This was a new tactic. I gave a dramatic sigh and pulled the covers off the bed. Then I stomped downstairs with my terrible bedhead and sighed again. Gran held out the receiver, looking annoyed.

  I took it from her. “Hung Foo’s Oriental Palace. May I take your order, please?”

  “I’ll have two egg rolls, a bucket of wonton soup, and a dill pickle. This baby is a maniac. How are you?”

  “Shitty.”

  Gran tsked. “Don’t swear.”

  “Don’t listen in on private conversations, Gran.”

  Patty chuckled. “Getting on each other’s nerves?”

  “You could say that, but it’s all my fault. The poor woman doesn’t know what to do with me, do ya, Gran?”

  “My shows are on.” She disappeared into the living room.

  “I was thinking of coming up tomorrow. Ray doesn’t need the car. Pup is missing you.”

  “He’s going to have to go on missing me, because I refuse to let you drive all the way up here on icy roads with one and a half children in the car. I absolutely forbid it.”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  “Patty, listen to me. I can’t deal with the thought of losing anyone else. I know it’s stupid and neurotic, but if something happened to you on the way up here, I’m afraid Gran will be left with a note that says I’ve gone fishing.”

  “It’s that bad, is it?”

  “Yep.”

  “Okay. I wanted to cheer you up, not have your suicidal tendencies go hog-wild.”

  “I appreciate that. What’s new with you?”

  “I eat for two—no, make that three—and I’m always tired and I have sore feet and a hemorrhoid. Other than that, great.”

  “Should I ask how your mother is?”

  “She’s been pretty quiet lately. I think she’s licking her wounds.”

  “She has enough of them.”

  “Funny how you start seeing your mother as a person when you get older. I keep thinking of how it would be if I knew Ray didn’t love me but pretended he did. It must be like chasing a ghost your whole life.”

  “The whole thing has been a nightmare for a lot of people.”

  “Chin up. I’m not coming. I’ll sit on the floor with Pup and we’ll play the new xylophone Daddy was kind enough to bring home yesterday.”

  “Kisses all around.” I hung up and stomped back to bed.

  Another week rolled by. We were now into March, but the landscape outside looked the same. Snow on the fir trees, snow covering the ground, icicles hanging from the roof. The same as the night of the party. It was like reliving the same day over and over again. Maybe I’d feel better in the spring.

  Unlikely.

  Someone knocked on the door one morning and Hobbs bolted off the bed and ran down the stairs to protect Gran in case it was a burglar. There was a deep rumbly voice, obviously a man, and since Gran and I didn’t have any gentlemen callers, I was curious enough to sit at the top of the stairs and listen in.

  Then I recognized the voice. It was Angus Turnbull, the police chief.

  “I’m back to fill you in on the investigation.”

  “Please sit, Angus. Is it a criminal investigation?”

  “Maybe. We’ve learned that George lied to the police about where he picked up Jane Landry, and he let them think she was a hitchhiker. Now Nell says that he only knew her name was Jane, that she didn’t tell him Jane’s full name or where she lived, which in my mind makes things worse. He was complicit in a conspiracy to take the child away from her parent.”

  “I see.”

  “There are records that say where Jane Landry is buried. Apparently, George paid for her burial. He and his cousin Eileen attended it.”

  “And then he and Eileen raised the child, giving her a loving home.”

  “Well, yes—”

  “Now tell me about Mr. Morris. Are you charging him with sexual assault?”

  “Not at this time. There is no evidence or eyewitness—”

  “Excuse me? There’s a knife, and Nell Sampson said she saw Yardley run away. Isn’t that all the evidence you need?”

  “Nell didn’t report it to the police when it happened—a huge mistake, which she admits—so it’s a he said, she said scenario. There’s no record of an assault ever happening. Yardley maintains that Nell’s trying to frame him. We don’t know if she took the knife from the scene, or how she got hold of it. He still maintains that Jane must have had sex with someone else. Which we can’t prove. We also can’t prove that he is Bridie’s father.”

  “It doesn’t sound like you have a lot to go on in any aspect of this so-called investigation.”

  “It’s a bit of a mess.”

  “Then can I give you some insight from the families directly involved?”

  “Sure.”

  “My granddaughter is upstairs, afraid to go out into the world, because she has lost everyone she has ever loved. She has lost her biological mother, the woman who raised her like a mother, a grandmother, her father, who killed himself over this mess, and the young man she loved and wanted to marry. Nell Sampson has lived her life alone, in agony, because of one foolish, misguided mistake that she’s been paying for for nearly twenty years. My daughter-in-law was humiliated in public over her husband’s infidelities. Diane Morris has had her own family ripped to shreds by this revelation, and her eldest son has been forced to go live elsewhere and lose the love of his life because of his father’s actions. By now, the entire town must know that Yardley Morris is a monster and his reputation is in tatters, despite his efforts to deny and deflect blame. If you can’t prove anything, if three of the principles in the story are in their graves, why don’t you let it go? Just let us be. My son is gone. He made a mistake, and he paid for it. Nell made a mistake, and she’s paid for it. Jane had her life taken from her. My granddaughter and her young man never did anything wrong, and yet they are paying too. I want you to leave us alone. I don’t want to hear about what Yardley Morris is doing or not doing. He’s going to face his judge and jury someday, but perhaps you should concern yourself with the possibility that Mr. Morris could rape again. That’s where your duty lies.”

  There was a long silence, and then Angus Turnbull cleared his throat.

  “I think you’re right, Mrs. Mackenzie. I think this is a story that needs to come to a close.”

  “Thank you, Angus. If you’d see yourself out.”

  The back door shut and I heard my grandmother crying. I ran down the stairs and saw her at the table with her head resting on her arms, looking helpless and small. But she was a giant in my eyes at that moment.

  I knelt by her side. “I’m sorry, Gran. I’m sorry I’ve made this so much worse for you.”

  She embraced me and kissed my head. “You’ve done nothing wrong, Bridie. We’re both doing the best we can.”

  “We’ll be okay. We have each other.”

  April was a cruel month that year. Winter didn’t seem to want to loosen its icy grip, so there was no relief, no sunshine. Most of my time was spent in my room, reading or looking out the window. The questions I had about my little mother, as I now thought of her, were mounting, and I confessed that to Gran one day.

  “There’s only one person you can ask about Jane. I’m sure she’d be happy to tell you.”

 
; “I don’t want to speak to Nell.”

  “I understand your bitterness towards her, but she’s not the villain in the story. If it weren’t for her, you’d never have known Pops, or Mama, or me, for that matter. Who knows where you’d be, with a fourteen-year-old mother and an alcoholic grandfather who neglected her. Your best hope might have been an orphanage.”

  I stewed on that for a while.

  It was a nice morning in early May when I felt my blood stir. My room started to feel like a cage, so I told Gran I was going to Burke’s to see Danny.

  “Thank the Lord!” she cried. “That poor man has rung our doorbell countless times trying to see you and I kept sending him away, as per your instructions.”

  “What? I said I didn’t want to see anyone, but that didn’t include Danny!”

  “Well, you should’ve made that clearer. I need baking powder, by the way.”

  Hobbs and I headed out and breathed in the spring air. The ground was still soft with melting frost, and tiny buds were appearing on tree branches. The wind carried fresh gusts from over the water, and I realized that it was blowing my hair in my face. My hair was getting long again and I hadn’t paid attention. Most of the time I avoided the mirror; sadness was etched on my face and I didn’t need to be reminded of it.

  Hobbs pushed his way in front of me into the store. Danny’s face lit up when he saw him. “Hobbs, me old son! Where on earth have you been? I’ve got two months’ worth of dog biscuits taking up space under here.”

  Hobbs ran around the counter and gratefully accepted a handful of treats. I leaned on the counter and smiled. “We’ve missed you. Gran and I got our wires crossed. When I said I didn’t want to see other humans, I didn’t mean you.”

  “Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been as useless as a chocolate teapot.”

  “Me too.”

  He patted my hand. “How are you feeling?”

  “Empty.”

  “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Who was the fool who said that?”

  The bell rang and in walked Diane Morris. We looked at each other in shock. Neither one of us said anything.