Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

“Is that a good thing?”

  “It could be.” He lowered his head and I was lost in the smell of his cheek against mine. He certainly knew how to love me that day, but he didn’t say the words out loud.

  I took note of this.

  It took the contractor all fall to do the big work. The beams did end up having to be replaced, and quite a few of the floor joists. The chimney needed replacing and the plumbing turned out to be a major headache. We decided to take some space from the bigger room and add more room to the bathroom. It made sense to make it more comfortable for renters. Mitch and I did the bathroom renovations ourselves, and built the kitchen cabinets and put in the new windows.

  After cleaning and scrubbing the entire place, we decided to do the inside painting during the winter. The outside wouldn’t be done until the spring.

  The cost of new appliances was something else I had to consider. We needed new furniture, a dining room table, new beds, mattresses, and pillows. Nell said she wanted to make the quilts, sheets, and curtains.

  Once I had it in my mind what I wanted to do with the cabin, I drew a plan for a garden around it and made a list of seeds to order. Gran saw what I was doing and grunted.

  “You don’t do that here. That cabin is going to be better than this place.”

  “This place is marvellous, Gran. We could rent out two bedrooms now if we wanted to. You could do the cooking.”

  “You’re becoming a real-estate mogul.”

  I even talked the ear off the loans officer at the bank, asking him how I could get a loan if I wanted to buy more property. He laughed at me. Told me to come back with a husband and then we could talk.

  It seemed incredible that yet another Christmas was here. Though 1970 had flown by, I did need a few days to relax, and Gran and I were looking forward to seeing Patty and her family. Kimberly was a year and a half old, and Pup, three and a half. It didn’t seem possible.

  In the weeks before Christmas, Gran developed a cough. It didn’t seem like anything to worry about. She’d wave me off when I suggested she go to the doctor. I could see she was tired, but she said that it was old age. “I am eighty-one, after all.”

  On December 23, the day we were supposed to go to Patty’s, I put my foot down. “I don’t think we should go. You need to stay home and rest. We’ll have a quiet Christmas.”

  She surprised me by agreeing. I called Patty and told her.

  “Oh dear, we’ll miss you, but you’re right to keep her home if she’s feeling poorly. I’m just not sure what I’m going to do with this mother of all lasagnas I made for dinner.”

  “Freeze half of it. We’ll eat it next time we’re down.”

  On Christmas Eve, Gran finally admitted she wasn’t feeling so hot. I was in an instant panic; her doctor’s office was closed. She told me she didn’t think she could go to church, which made me even more anxious. I called Mitch, and his mother insisted on talking to me.

  “Has she got a fever?”

  “A slight one, I think, and she must be cold. Her lips are a bit blueish.”

  “I’ll send Mitch. You two take her to the hospital.”

  “What do you think it is?”

  “I’m no expert, but it could be pneumonia. Anything at her age could be serious.”

  When I told Gran that Mitch and I were taking her to the hospital, she was annoyed. “It’s Christmas Eve. I have a rotten cold. Stop worrying.”

  I looked out the window while I waited for Mitch. It was snowing heavily, just our luck.

  When Mitch arrived, we bundled the protesting Gran into the truck and left for Port Hawkesbury. The snow was coming straight at us. Mitch had to use the low beams only, because the falling snow was too mesmerizing with the high beams on.

  I had my arm around Gran the whole time, wrapped up in a quilt. Now that she had resigned herself to going, she’d stopped pretending everything was fine and was slumped against me. None of us talked, although Mitch and I exchanged glances over her head. All I could think about was how grateful I was that he was here.

  When we arrived, the triage nurse sent Gran right through and she was seen by a doctor in no time. He ordered x-rays and, sure enough, she had pneumonia. They admitted her and I stayed by her side.

  I sent Mitch home, even though he didn’t want to go.

  “There’s no sense in you sitting with me on Christmas Eve. You go home and I’ll call you if I need anything. I might get you to bring in some clothes for me if I have to stay here for a few days. I also need you to look after Napoleon if I’m away for any length of time. That will be a huge help.”

  He nodded and looked at Gran. “I hope you feel better soon, Gran.”

  “Thank you, dear. You’re the best.”

  We walked out into the hall and I hugged him goodbye. “Thank you.”

  He held my face in his big hands. “I love you, Bridie.”

  I took note of this.

  Gran was very sick. I never left her side. Mitch came back several times to bring me things. Nell showed up with a crocheted throw in Gran’s favourite colours of yellow and blue. Even Patty, Ray, and Mavis came to visit a few times. Uncle Donny roared in like the superior being he thought he was and started barking orders at the nurses.

  Nell had called the bank to tell them my grandmother was ill, and I’m not sure how she wrangled it, but they said they could give me a little time off while this crisis was going on. That meant the world to me.

  Gran was slipping away. No one had to tell me. I would hold her hand, and she’d try and give it a squeeze back. I was drifting off one afternoon when I heard her say, “I don’t want you to be sad.”

  It instantly made me beyond sad.

  “I’ve had a good life, so much more than I thought I would after George’s death, and that’s thanks to you.”

  I kissed her bony knuckles. Her wedding rings were so loose they were falling off her finger.

  “I’m tired. I want to be with my husband and son.”

  “Say hi to them for me.”

  She nodded and closed her eyes.

  In the end, Uncle Donny, Aunt Betty, and I were the only ones in the room, standing on either side of Gran. The minute Uncle Donny realized she’d gone, he put his head on her chest and cried his heart out. He was even louder than Aunt Betty. For the first time I saw him as a little boy who loved his mother, and I felt sorry for him. You can be the biggest jerk alive but still become a little lost soul when your mom dies.

  Losing Gran was not like losing the other loved ones in my life. They’d been ripped out of my arms, whereas I’d had a chance to say goodbye to Gran. She and I had spent these last ten days together, and we’d acknowledged what we meant to each other. It was a proper farewell, an easing out of this life and onward, a far more natural process than the other deaths I’d experienced. And so I knew I would survive this loss.

  The church was filled to capacity. All her loved ones were there. Seeing Uncle Donny’s family was a nice treat because they were growing into adults and were no longer just a gang of bratty cousins. Aunt Loretta had forgiven me by now, and it was good to see her too. I introduced Mitch, Maud, and Will to everyone.

  Poor Uncle Fraser limped badly as he walked down the aisle with Aunt Betty and their three gigantic sons. I wondered where they came from, since Uncle Fraser was a normal size.

  Patty got me alone at one point and said, “How is it you have the most gorgeous men?” Then she sighed and looked at her balding husband. “But Ray beats them all. He’s the best daddy in the world.”

  Ray knew we were talking about him and smirked.

  “You can say that again,” I smiled.

  We were able to bury Gran, as the ground wasn’t as frozen as we thought it might be. As we laid her to rest beside Joe and the plaque with my father’s name on it, I was comforted that she was between them. It felt right. />
  Nell stayed away, of course, but she did say she’d run down to my house and get the tea and sandwiches ready for afterwards. It turned out I’d told her the wrong time, and her car was still at the house when we showed up. I saw her peek out the window with a look of horror and quickly disappear.

  “Oh crap,” I said to Mitch.

  We trooped in and Nell was nowhere to be seen. I was relieved, thinking she must have slipped out the front door, but Hobbs kept sniffing around the downstairs closet and I knew she hadn’t quite made it.

  “Are you in there?” I whispered.

  “Just open the front door and I’ll run,” she whispered back.

  So I did. I opened the front door and then the closet door, and she darted out, one boot on, the other in her hand. I quickly closed the door behind her and went back to my guests, relieved. Then Uncle Donny’s son Bill said, “There’s some lady out front trying to steal a car.”

  Naturally, everyone looked out the window. There was Nell, standing by her car, but she had obviously forgotten her keys in her haste. I quickly took the keys off the peg by the kitchen door. “Oh, that’s just my neighbour who came to help me. She forgot these.”

  I ran out the door and over to the car. “I’m so sorry. I thought we’d be longer than this.”

  “Just give them to me. I think she’s coming.”

  As Nell struggled to put the key in the car door, I turned around to see Mavis charging towards us through patches of snow.

  “That’s her, isn’t it?! You’re that Nell creature who ruined my marriage!”

  She hit Nell’s back with her open hands. “How dare you come near us! This is for family only and you’re not a member of this one, as much as you’ve tried to be!”

  Trying to stop Mavis from thrashing Nell was tougher than I imagined. Thank goodness Mitch came out to help me. He held Mavis with her arms down by her sides.

  Nell had opened the car door by then, but she turned around and said sincerely, “Please forgive me, Mavis. I take total responsibility for hurting you. It was never my intention to ruin your life.”

  “But you did, you stupid bitch! Women like you are despicable! I hope you rot in hell!”

  Nell looked like she was going to cry. She got in the car and drove off as fast as she could.

  “Let go of me, Mike—Marvin—Malcolm—whatever your name is!”

  Mitch let her go and she pointed at me. “You had no right to ask her here today.”

  “I know. You’re right, Mavis. It was stupid. I wasn’t thinking. Please forgive me.”

  She adjusted her pantsuit. “I need a drink.”

  As she marched back into the house, Mitch looked at me. “That’s the woman you grew up with?”

  I nodded.

  “No wonder you’re crazy.”

  Poor old Mavis didn’t calm down because we had no alcohol. “Who doesn’t have at least of drop of medicinal sherry in their house?”

  “Drink this warm milk, Mavis,” I offered. “Gran always said it cures what ails you.”

  “I’d have to drink it straight out of a cow for it to work on me. I can’t believe you were so thoughtless.”

  Mitch cleared his throat. “Bridie has just lost her grandmother. I think we can forgive her a lapse in judgement. It’s been a long couple of weeks.”

  “Quite right.” Patty threw daggers at her mom.

  “I see. So once again, Bridie’s feelings are to be considered first. Why am I not surprised?”

  Patty picked up her coat. “Forgive us, Bridie, but I think we need to go home. It’s been a rough day for everyone. Come on, Mom.”

  “Fine, fine. I know when I’m not wanted.” She picked up her coat and put it on.

  I kissed Patty and Ray goodbye. I tried to kiss Mavis, but she held out her hand. “Not yet. I’ll need several martinis before I can kiss you again.”

  It was the best I could hope for.

  In the end, the teenagers went outside and had a snowball fight while Uncle Donny, Aunt Loretta, Aunt Betty, Uncle Fraser, and I sat around the table with our teacups and squares and told Mitch stories about Gran.

  Aunt Betty looked at Uncle Donny. “Do you remember how cross she was at George for telling Eileen to jump off that cliff? She didn’t speak to him for a week.”

  “It was the only time I heard her tell him off. I was the one who always got it in the neck.”

  Aunt Betty snorted. “With good reason. You were a jerk.”

  “He may be a jerk, but he’s a harmless jerk.” Aunt Loretta’s smile was bright with the ignorance of a wife who will not see.

  They finally left and Uncle Donny gave me a normal hug. “Thanks for taking care of Mom. I never worried when she was with you.”

  “Thanks, Uncle Donny.”

  Mitch helped me clean up, and then we sat in the living room in front of Gran’s beloved television.

  “Do you want me to stay?”

  “No, thanks. I need to be alone.”

  “I wonder how Nell is doing.”

  “Don’t go inside the house if you see to the horses. She’ll need time to lick her wounds after that encounter.”

  “I often wonder why people make the choices they do in life.”

  My head leaned on his shoulder. “Their lives are more complicated than they appear on the surface. And often we lie to ourselves or make up our own truth. That’s when we get in trouble.”

  He squeezed me. “Are you sure you’re only twenty?’

  “I feel like I’m a hundred and five at the moment.”

  Mitch told me he loved me again, which I noted, and then kissed me good night. It was only after he was gone that I realized how quiet it was. Hobbs looked forlorn on the rug, so I patted the sofa and he snuggled next to me. This was a big treat.

  “Gran’s not here to tell you to get down. I wish she were.”

  I turned on her television and Hobbs and I watched her favourite shows.

  25

  When I got back to work I was told I’d used up all my sick days and vacation days, which I understood. No more days off for me. But I didn’t want any; being off work only reminded me how lonely it was when I wandered through the house.

  On the first Saturday I had off, which wasn’t until the first of February, I went to the cabin to paint. When I walked in, I found Nell up on a ladder, whitewashing the trim.

  “What’s going on?”

  “My eyes needed a rest, so I came here. Didn’t figure you’d mind.”

  Nell must have worked on the painting through the week, because each night I arrived after work to find more of it done. Mitch was happy about that; he was swamped with machinery repairs.

  With Nell so often at the cabin, I finally asked her about her own work. “Have dresses suddenly become unpopular or something? You’re never on your machine.”

  “I’m taking a break. I’m actually thinking of retiring.”

  “You’re only sixty-one.”

  “Thank you for reminding me.”

  The cabin was finally ready for renters on the first day of August, 1971. Only a year late, but it looked great. We had the shingles painted red and the door a bright green. Nell said red and green were the opposite on the colour wheel and it made sense. Mitch wasn’t convinced.

  The inside was spare but cozy. It wasn’t for people who were going to lounge there all day. They’d be out fishing, so we stuck to necessities like big armchairs and a nice dining space. We did have comfortable beds, pillows, nice towels, and big claw-foot tub. The kitchen was outfitted with the essentials, so people could cook their own food—I’d realized I couldn’t do everything myself.

  Danny called me after the sign went up in the window and in the newspapers. “They’re comin’ out of the woodwork! I’ve had five people asking about it already. You’re going to be a millionai
re, child!”

  “Simmer down. That’s not very likely.”

  “Get this. They’re also asking if there are places around here to rent for the whole summer. Some bigwig came in the other day from Chicago, if you don’t mind. He was looking for a place for his family to stay. Little old St. Peter’s! What’s the world coming to?!”

  Naturally, my mind went a hundred miles an hour. I ended up at Nell’s, the place I always went for advice or support.

  “What do you think about me renting Gran’s place for the summer? Danny says there are people asking when they come in the store.”

  “Well, they couldn’t find a sweeter spot. I’ve always loved that house. But I think you’re missing the bigger picture.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Where are you and Hobbs going to live if you rent it out?”

  I forgot about that. “Umm…here?”

  “Here? With me?”

  “Unless you’re planning on leaving the country.”

  Nell looked down at her lap and I saw her hiding a small grin.

  “That would be nice,” she said.

  When I told Mitch, he looked annoyed. “You’re going to live with Nell? When are you and I going to get time alone?”

  “That’s the first thing out of your mouth? Not, ‘Gee, Bridie, what a great idea, having two properties bringing in money’?”

  “How do you know people will even want it?”

  They wanted it, all right. Both the cabin and Gran’s were booked straightaway. It wasn’t as easy as I imagined it would be at the cabin, since some people are slobs and I kept having to scrub the place down to get it ready for the next lot. Most fishermen came for a week, so there was a quick turnover. Gran’s was booked for a couple of weeks at a time, even a month, but there again if something went wrong I was called up day or night to come and fix whatever it was.

  One night it was a dripping tap. I tried to fix it but ended up calling Mitch at ten at night.

  “Oh, yes. This was a great idea, wasn’t it?”

  “Just fix it, and I’ll make sure there’s something in it for you.”