One Hand On The Podium

by John E. Harper

  “I can’t let you take that plane without permission from the Pentagon. But I have nothing against your buying that plane from the United States government.”

  “I told you, I’m not buying something that is already mine. I’m not giving it up. Look, I’m sorry you came all this way, Spencer, to have nothing to show for it.”

  “Okay, okay, so you might not have to buy it, but you’d better accept the fact that the fighter plane isn’t yours until I have completed the inspection, filled out proper forms and my superiors have given you signed permission. Just accept that. It’s a fact.”

  “That’s your opinion.”

  “No sir, I’m afraid, it is a fact.”

  Alex and the Colonel stared at each other, both gaining a little more respect for one another. “Now listen,” Alex said. “I think I know a way you can get what you want without going through the regular channels or a lot of hassle. But it might take a little longer than you planned.”

  “Don’t fuck with me, Spencer.”

  “You said yourself you haven’t even found a place to put it, so if I can just make up my report here, take a look at the plane, inventory the parts and email it all back to Washington, I would imagine you would get your plane. I mean, what’s the Air Force need with it? They want it off their books anyway. All you have to do is take me to the plane and let me get to work. I can be finished in a couple of hours.”

  “I see,” Moss thought out loud. “So you can assure me there won’t be any hassles?”

  “I can’t promise you that, but I’ll do everything in my power to help you get your trophy.”

  “You’re not feeding me a line of shit here, are you, Spencer?”

  “I have no reason to, sir. I’m just doing my job.”

  “Alright, I’ll show you the plane, but not today. I have a meeting in about an hour, and after that I have a seminar to give, then a dinner date. It’ll be a couple days before I can show it to you.”

  “Colonel, I can’t wait a couple days, or even till tomorrow. I have to see the plane today.”

  “No, not today. I just don’t have the time.”

  “Sir, I hate to inconvenience you, but this is for your own best interest, not mine. If you want me to send a favorable report to Washington, you will have to let me see it today.”

  “What’s the rush, Spencer?”

  “Colonel, my wife is sitting right down the hall waiting for me to complete this assignment so we can be on our way to Chicago for our honeymoon as soon as possible.”

  Moss stood up straight and smoothed out his clothes. “Well, hell, Spencer, you didn’t tell me your wife was with you. Where the fuck is she? Why don’t you have her come on in here and introduce us?”

  Alex smiled, scratched the back of his head, then got up and walked out the door. He stuck his head around the corner where his eyes found Mary sitting patiently reading a book she’d brought in her bag. “Mary!” he called out to her. She turned her head and saw him motion for her to come to him. She hurried down the hallway.

  “Mary, I’d like you to meet Colonel Simon Moss.”

  She nodded her head and extended her hand to him.

  The Colonel took her hand in his and leaned to kiss it. “My, oh my, Spencer,” Moss smiled. “This woman is beautiful.”

  Mary looked at her husband in disbelief. Alex shrugged, somewhat puzzled as well by the colonel’s courtly behavior.

  “Spencer, my man, you have a gorgeous wife.” He didn’t look at Alex, but continued to gaze into Mary’s big brown eyes. “My dear, I am so sorry you had to wait in that cold, dark hallway. Here, have a seat on my couch. I’m sure you’ll find it to your liking.”

  Mary slipped her hand from the colonel’s grip, which had not loosened after his kiss. She tried not to show an interest in him, but found his debonair behavior and stately good looks intrigued her.

  “I’m sorry, Colonel, but we really have to get this done now,” Alex said. “Could you show us to the plane?”

  “Ah, well, I suppose. You’ve given me no choice. I don’t want to be accused of holding up this lovely creature’s honeymoon.”

  Mary smiled at Moss, and Alex shook his head in amazement over his transformation from a nasty old man to suave, sophisticated gentleman.

  “Is the plane here on this base, in one of those hangers outside by the airfield?” he asked, trying to get things moving.

  “No, it’s not here.”

  “It’s not here? I thought you said you brought it over from England?”

  “I did, but I didn’t bring it to this base. Hell, I was afraid some dumb fuck, Illinois boy might—” He stopped and shot a quick glance at Mary. “Excuse my gutter mouth, ma’am.” He turned back to Alex and continued. “I was afraid somebody might ship the thing off someplace and it would take me another ten years to find it again.”

  “You’re saying, then, it’s not here on the base?”

  “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

  “Where is it?”

  “I’ll give you a map and a key. You can drive there. I have it stored away on an old farm not too far from here. It’s about twenty miles north east of the base. You shouldn’t have any trouble finding it if you follow the map.” He went over to his desk, opened a drawer and pulled out a stack of papers. He opened another drawer, rummaged around for a few seconds, then held up a large silver key and put that on the papers.

  Alex was confused. “You mean to tell me you have taken government property and moved it off the base?”

  “No, it was never on the base, Spencer.”

  “You really shouldn’t have done that.”

  “I thought you said you were going to help me.”

  “I will, but I don’t need any more surprises.”

  “It sure doesn’t take much to surprise you. Spencer, you have to promise you’ll return this map and key to me.”

  “We’ll bring them back by here when we’re done.”

  The colonel reached down to the desk, picked up the key and one of the folded up pieces of paper, put them in a brown, nine by twelve, envelope, then wrote the address on the front and handed it to Alex.

  “Here’s the key and map. This should get you there and back without any trouble. You are planning to drive up there this afternoon?”

  “Yes, we can be on our way in a few minutes if there isn’t anything else we need to know.”

  “No, that’s it.”

  “Good. I’ll be writing my report tonight which should get things rolling back in Washington. All you have to do is wait.”

  “How long?”

  “I’m not really sure. I figure it’ll just take a few weeks.”

  “Are you going to bring papers here for me to sign?”

  “No, that won’t be necessary. But we’ll return your key and map when we’re done today, on our way back to St. Louis.”

  “That sounds acceptable,” Moss said, nodding his head in approval. “I won’t be here, so just leave them here with my aide.”

  “Well, Mary,” Alex said, taking his bride by the hand, as he folded the envelope and stuck it in his inside jacket pocket, “I guess we can be on our way.”

  Alex and the colonel shook hands then the colonel moved toward Mary, took her free hand, and gave it another kiss, bidding her farewell.

  Alex rolled his eyes and shook his head at Moss’s strange demeanor. Kind of an eccentric old guy, he thought, smiling.

  ***

  The couple stopped to fill the gas tank in their rented car before they left the base, and were on Illinois highway I-64 less than fifteen minutes after leaving the colonel’s office. The afternoon weather forecast sounded glum but it didn’t dampen the newlywed’s spirits. They laughed and offered opinions to each other of the colonel and his strange ways.
Mary had missed much of his expletive-laced comments, so she thought he was just old-fashioned, somewhat odd, but not bad overall. Alex was wary of the man, even though he’d promised to cooperate. He wanted to complete his investigation as soon as possible and turn the colonel and his plane over to his superiors in Washington.

  “This Moss fellow is a piece of work, don’t you think?” Alex asked.

  “He’s an original, that’s for sure,” Mary laughed.

  “I think he’s kind of creepy. I just want to do what ever we have to do to get this over with and be on our way, okay.”

  “I agree, Baby,” she answered. She glanced at Alex, his brow was furrowed with concentration. “Is something else bothering you?”

  “I don’t know. Something isn’t right here. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s something suspicious about this whole Moss situation.”

  Mary leaned over and kissed Alex. “Don’t worry,” she reassured him.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  The view from the interstate was drab and boring. The flat Southern Illinois farming landscape gave little to view from their car, but the couple didn’t seem to notice as they talked excitedly about what they’d do when they reached Chicago.

  Alex reached in his inside jacket pocket and handed the envelope to Mary. “What’s the first major exit we’ll come to? Open this up for me.” She unfolded the large paper and looked at it with a blank stare. “Well, Mary?” he asked.

  “Alex, this doesn’t make any sense.”

  “What do you mean? Let me see it.”

  “I don’t know. It’s a technical blue print drawing of some sort. Looks like something industrial or electrical.” She flipped the big piece of paper over quickly to check if there was something on the other side. There wasn’t anything. Just a white blank side. She handed it to Alex. He took it from her, glancing up at the road and back to the paper, trying to look it over as he kept the car in the inside lane.

  “Why would Moss give me this? This isn’t a map, damn it!”

  “Well what now?” Mary asked.

  “I’m not driving back. Open up the glove compartment, we were supposed to get a GPS with this car rental. See if it’s in there.”

  She opened the glove box and found inside a leather zipper pouch, which contained a GPS and power cords to plug into the cigarette lighter.

  Alex pulled off the interstate at the first exit and spotted a quickshop near to the exit. He pulled into the parking lot and slipped into a space away from the building. He input the address that Moss had written on the front of the brown envelope into the GPS and waited for the device to begin speaking the directions with it’s mechanical female voice.

  A reassured look came across Alex’s face, “Where would we be without these little contraptions?”

  “Really lost,” Mary said, laughing.

  He looked at his wife and smiled.

  She ran her hand down his arm and returned his smile with a flirty wink.

  “Hold on to this blueprint, Mary. We don’t want to lose it. Moss surely wants it back.” He folded up the blueprint and handed it to her. She shoved it into her purse.

  ***

  It took almost a half hour drive to find the farm, but finally, they reached their destination. The GPS unit led them to an old, dilapidated, two-story farmhouse, a few miles off the main interstate, in the middle of what seemed like nowhere. Further behind the house, an old barn leaned a bit to one side. They parked the car near the house. Alex retrieved his briefcase from the back seat and got out while Mary followed close behind. The house looked vacant.

  The air was damp and chilly. Mary shivered as she picked her way gingerly over the soft, muddy ground. The heels of her new high heels were getting caked with mud and grass. “Alex, maybe I should go back to the car.” She looked up as Alex stopped. They’d reached the door. “Never mind,” she offered.

  Alex took the key Moss gave him and unlocked the door. Darkness filled the gloomy interior and it took a moment for their eyes to adjust before they entered. There was a dim light oozing through a row of small skylights above. They looked out of place with the old barn, and Alex figured that’d been recently installed. Just as Moss had told them, the old fighter plane fuselage sat in the center of the dirt floor. Crates packed with the engine and wings sat at the opposite end of the room.

  “Mary!” Alex shouted, “Look at the size of this plane. Can you imagine how big it must be with the wings attached?”

  “Oh, I wish I had my camera,” Mary said. My daddy would be fascinated by all this. He flew in Korea, you know.”

  “Really? You never told me that,” Alex said, as he opened his briefcase and took out a small laptop computer and yellow legal pad.

  Mary tiptoed over to the crates, careful not to further spoil her shoes. “I’m just going to sit over here on this crate while you take your notes.”

  Alex, already distracted by the job that lay ahead, began the inventory of the parts as Mary watched. Neither spoke while he worked. Alex’s footsteps on the hard dirt were the only sound in the huge room. It took about an hour for him to inventory all the jet parts and document all the serial numbers into his laptop computer. When he was done, he proudly stated, “Let’s get out of here, Mrs. Spencer.”

  “You’re all done?” she asked.

  “Yep. What do you think about going back to the hotel so I can write up my full report and e-mail it off to Washington? Then you and I can make the final arrangements for our trip to Chicago. Come on, Gorgeous.”

  “What are we waiting for?” Mary flashed him a smile and more than a little of her shapely legs as she slid off the crate and took his hand.

  ***

  Alex had been given free rein to handle all the details of this trip, including reservations, research and budgeting. Though it had not turned out to be as exciting as he’d envisioned when they left Washington, he anticipated bigger assignments eventually coming his way.

  Alex’s work was very important to him, even though the paperwork bored him at times. He had little patience with anyone assigned a project with him who did not have the same drive and ambition. Having grown up in a family of seven kids, he being the oldest, Alex hated waiting for his siblings to catch up to him on family outings. He secretly dreamed of being an only child. As he grew older, he came to appreciate his independence and became frustrated when he had to deal with most any type of delay or petty chores that bored him.

  His job was second only to his new wife Mary, and she understood that completely. She had already demonstrated she could endure the likes of Colonel Simon Moss and his seemingly ridiculous antics.

  ***

  Alex and Mary walked slowly side by side, heading out of the barn. The echo of their footsteps muffled by the hard dirt. Alex stopped suddenly.

  “What was that?”

  “I didn’t hear anything, Alex.”

  “Sh-h-h-h— listen,” he whispered.

  They turned toward the door, silent, straining to hear. The grumbling of an idling car somewhere outside was barely audible, followed by two doors slamming. Mary bumped into Alex’s back and almost fell as they stumbled through the darkness.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes. Alex, I think I hear someone coming.”

  Just then the door flew open. The couple didn’t know what to expect. They stood still in fear. Then, in the glare of the sunlight, they could see the outlines of two men, their expansive size almost filling the doorway. One man held a revolver in his extended hand, pointing it directly at Alex.

  “Federal agents. FBI. Everybody freeze,” the agent’s loud voice commanded. “Put your hands in the air. Drop what you’re holding.

  “What the —” Alex started to say. He laid his computer carrying case on the barn floor.

  “
Alex, what’s going on? I’m scared.” Her hands were shaking and her heart pounding.

  “Just do as they say, Mary. Do as they say.” All kinds of desperate thoughts were rushing through Alex’s mind. The whole trip, including Simon Moss, so far, had been beyond queer and incredibly mysterious. He began putting things together in his head.

  “You, both of you. Come on out here in the light where we can see you,” instructed one of the men. The shadow of the revolver waved, motioning them to move in the agent’s direction.

  “Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot!” Alex pleaded. “We’re coming out.” Mary grabbed her husband’s coat sleeve, as he led her out of the darkness.

  “Don’t shoot us. What in the world —?”

  “Quiet. Let’s see some identification.”

  “Did we do something wrong?” Mary asked as she took her driver’s license from her purse with shaking hands. Alex carefully removed his federal ID from his wallet.

  “Are we under arrest for something?” Alex questioned. “What have we done? Why are you pointing that gun at us?” The lack of response angered him. “What the hell is going on here?” he firmly demanded, raising the tone in his voice.

  “Don’t talk,” the agent spoke, running his hand over his clean-shaven head. His partner stood next to him, the sunlight deepening the red of his neatly trimmed beard to a copper sheen. He grabbed Mary’s purse and threw it to the ground. He took the IDs, looked at each one, reviewed the information then handed them back.

  Alex felt more at ease now. “What is this all about?”

  “My name is Steve Frankano. My partner, Tom Merritt. Didn’t mean to startle you folks. We’re here investigating a very serious crime against the government of United States.”

  “Well, excuse me,” Alex said unable to hide his sarcasm.

  The four moved away from the barn to the two parked cars that sat near the farm house. The agents leaned against the bumper of their car and the Spencers against theirs facing each other in the light of the end-of-summer day. Merritt said nothing. Frankano continued.