“You were one of the most popular girls in high school. I’m sure there were plenty of guys who wanted to be with you.”
“You’re the only guy I wanted. You’re the only guy I’ve ever wanted.”
It’s like she’s put an arrow through my heart. I’ve never felt so much pain in my life. “Have you ever been with anyone other than me?”
She doesn’t immediately respond.
“Have you ever been with anyone else?” I repeat.
“No,” she admits.
“Why?”
She glares at me like I’ve just slapped her. “Do you really need to ask that question?”
I can’t look at her. I just need to escape. “I’ve got to get out of here.”
“Where are you going?”
I don’t bother to reply. I just head over to the pretty little blonde’s table.
Three
Harley
There’s so much more I want to say to Jake, but he doesn’t give me the chance. And now he’s getting ready to close the deal with the last blonde in the bar.
No surprise there.
“Jake’s leaving?” Gracie asks as we both watch him grab the blonde’s hand and place a kiss on it.
“Do you really have to ask that question?” I know there’s hurt and anger in my voice. For once I’m not trying to hide it. Not after what I just admitted to him and his disappointing reaction. I don’t even know why I told him. After the Marilee incident I was so sure I’d never tell him. What’s wrong with me?
“I guess we’d better get back to work,” Gracie suggests. “The place isn’t going to close itself.”
She’s right. Jake didn’t even bother to close the till and deal with the cash. Guess I’ll be doing his job along with mine tonight. Good thing he can trust me with the money. Since I was a kid the Wilde boys have always treated me like family and I always thought that someday I might actually be a family member.
Lately that seems like nothing more than wishful thinking on my part.
Gracie will have to pick up some of my duties, but I’m not sure it’s the best idea for her to do more than she’s already doing. In the last week or so Gracie’s really started to show. And I get the feeling Tucker doesn’t want her working that hard around the bar.
“What are you doing?” I hear Tucker ask. Gracie’s got a broom out and she’s sweeping under the tables.
She turns to him and smiles. She’s so sweet sometimes she makes me sick. Other times I just want to stand close enough that maybe some of her sweetness will rub off on me. She could do with a little less of it and I could use just a bit. It would be a perfect trade.
“We’ve got to get cleaned and closed.”
Tucker grabs the broom from her hand. “I can sweep. You sit at the bar and fold napkins.”
“Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t work.”
Tucker gives Gracie a peck on the cheek. “I know you can work. And your job right now is to sit at the bar and fold napkins.”
I know I probably shouldn’t get between the lovebirds, but I’m in a bad mood and I love taunting Tucker. “You know. There are women in other parts of the world who do hard labor in farm fields until they get ready to pop. And then they just let the kid slide out. Right there in the field. And they just keep right on working.”
Tucker crosses his huge arms over his chest. If I didn’t know him my whole life and know he’s soft as a marshmallow inside I’d be scared to death of him. “And just how do you know that?”
“I read it on the internet.”
He frowns. “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
“And don’t treat your girlfriend like a porcelain doll you’re afraid of breaking. I’m sure she’ll be just fine.”
“She’ll be just fine sitting down folding napkins.” When he gives me his death stare I know it’s time to shut my mouth.
“Tucker just wants to take care of me,” Gracie whispers to me. I know she’s right and maybe part of me is super jealous that I don’t have someone who cares about me that way. Jake just proved that he sure as hell doesn’t.
Maybe I finally have to face the fact that he probably never will.
I’ve never had girlfriends, even when I was a kid. I hung out with the guys and was more of a tomboy. That was before Gracie and Riley got attached to Wilde brothers and became permanent fixtures at Haymakers. The two of them have kind of become like sisters.
I watch as Jake puts his hand on the small of the blonde’s back and leads her out of the bar. Before he exits he takes one final look back at me. He always does that when he leaves the bar with another blonde, just to make sure I’m watching.
It’s like he wants to rub my nose in the fact that he can have any girl he wants, whenever he wants, and I’m just one of many.
I used to be more than willing to accept that. I loved Jake so much that I thought having a piece of him, even a small one, was better than having no piece at all.
But tonight it feels different. Something has changed. Maybe that fact that I told him he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with, the only guy I’d ever wanted to be with, and it didn’t seem to have an impact on him at all.
Is he really as indifferent to woman’s feelings as everyone seems to think? Is he even indifferent to my feelings?
I glance down at the bracelet Jake gave me for Christmas. I haven’t taken it off since he gave it to me. For some reason I thought that him giving me that bracelet made me special. That it somehow separated me from all of the other girls. Girls he’s given nothing to but a good time. But maybe I’m not as special to him as I always hoped. I used to think Jake had a big heart buried deep inside. Now I’m not so sure.
Gracie and Riley have both tried to convince me that I can do better than Jake. Apparently everyone thinks he’s the one Wilde brother who can’t be tamed. I used to think I’d be the one he finally settled down with. Once he was done sowing his wild oats.
Now I’m not so sure.
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”
It’s an odd question coming from Tucker. He normally doesn’t get involved in other people’s business.
I try to put on a tough façade even though I’m dying inside. “Sure. Why would you ask me that?”
He shrugs. “Forget it.”
When I touch his arm he flinches and I immediately regret the action. I’m probably lucky he didn’t slug me in response. Tucker was never the same after he got back from Iraq. PTSD. He usually doesn’t let anyone but Gracie close enough to touch him.
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly, but make no effort to remove my hand from his arm. “Thanks for asking if I’m okay.”
“My brother is a dick. You can do a lot better than that.”
That’s saying a lot coming from Tucker. The Wilde brothers are close and always defend each other when push comes to shove.
“Maybe I don’t want to,” I admit.
“You should. You’re like Cooper. You’re smart and you’re sharp. You don’t need to be stuck in Old Town for the rest of your life working at Haymakers.”
“You’re probably going to be working at Haymakers the rest of your life,” I remind him.
He actually laughs, which is also a rare occurrence. Maybe Gracie really has changed him. Or at least brought out the best of Tucker which had been buried deep inside for way too long.
“Who is actually going to hire a broken-down war vet like me? And I don’t exactly have your brains and charm. I guess I’m lucky that my parents left us a bar so I’ll always have someplace to work. Not all the guys in my unit were so lucky.”
I’ve got to give him credit for his self-awareness. His leg was so badly damaged by an IED that he’ll always limp, but I think his mind and soul were scarred worse.
“He doesn’t deserve your devotion.” Tucker’s face has turned to stone.
“Feelings aren’t like a faucet. You can’t just shut them off at will.”
“I just do
n’t want you to waste your life waiting for something that’s probably never going to happen.”
I do my best to prevent the emotions welling up inside from escaping. People think I’m a tough girl and I never want to do anything to dispel that illusion.
“I can handle the till for tonight,” he says. “You can take off.”
I nod. I really do want to get out of Haymakers as quickly as possible. I don’t want Tucker or Gracie to see me start crying.
I just about make it into my car when the floodgates open. I sit behind my steering wheel for a few minutes and just ball. A big, ugly cry.
I can’t even remember the last time I just let loose and let out all of the emotions bottled up inside.
I don’t want Tucker and Gracie to see me still sitting in the parking lot. I do my best to pack my emotions back into a neat little box and store them away in the giant warehouse of my mind.
I’m excellent at compartmentalizing everything in my life. Hence the need for the giant mind warehouse.
I take in a deep, calming breath then start my engine for the short ride back home.
***
I can’t help but glance at the Wilde brother’s big colonial before I go inside my own. Our families have been neighbors for years, as long as I’ve been alive.
The long driveway to their house is dark, but one lone light illuminates the parking area in front of the house. Jake always leaves it on for Tucker and Gracie. As I look at his pickup truck parked in the driveway my stomach knots.
All I can think about is him being with that little blonde he picked up in the bar. Kissing her, caressing her, holding her. Touching her in the most intimate of ways.
Bile begins to rise in my throat and I feel like I’m going to be sick. I hurry into my house and just about make it upstairs and into my bathroom before I throw up.
***
It’s impossible to sleep so I stare at the ceiling for what seems like hours thinking about Jake and the first time we were together and all the times we’ve been together since then. How could he not know I was a virgin? How could he not see that I’ve never been with anyone else? How could he not realize how I feel about him? Is he really that self-absorbed and unaware of other people’s feelings?
I know every person wants to believe that he or she is a special snowflake, but we’re really all just part of a gigantic human slush pile. When you love someone they’re supposed to elevate you from the slush for a while, and at least to that one person, you’re special.
There have been times when Jake’s treated me like I was special. They usually happened when he took me back to his room. After a night of wild sex, he’d always take me into his arms and hold me tight. Some of my favorite memories are of falling asleep in his strong arms. And when we woke up the next morning, and I’d still be wrapped in his arms, I’d almost have to fight him to release his hold on me. It was like he didn’t want to let me go.
I’m surprised when my phone rings. I rarely get phone calls and they’re never this late at night. My breath catches when I see it’s Riley.
I hope everything is okay. Riley’s not the type of person to just pick up the phone to say hi. If she’s phoning there’s a very specific reason.
“Riley?” I say when I answer the call. “Is everything okay?”
“I was about to ask you the same thing,” she replies.
I narrow my eyes. “What did you hear?”
“Cooper and I were at a benefit gala and we just got home. I checked my voice mail and there was a cryptic message from Gracie. She seems to think you’re having some issues.”
Issues? I try not to laugh. I feel like my life is coming apart at the seams. “I’ve had better days.”
“Anything you want to talk about?” she probes.
I take in a deep breath. If I’m going to share with anyone Riley’s about the closest thing I’ve got to a sister.
“Things with Jake are a little strained,” I admit.
“I could tell you weren’t yourself when we were at the bridal shop the other day. I’m really sorry if the whole wedding thing is getting to you.”
“It’s not your fault. And it’s really not about the wedding. Or should I say weddings since Tucker and Gracie are getting married too? It’s Jake. And it’s me too because I’m the one who got myself into this mess.”
“There are plenty of other dogs in the kennel. I know you can find one who’s actually house broken.”
“Dogs in the kennel? Seriously?”
She laughs. “Fish in the sea is just so clichéd. I couldn’t do it.”
“I admitted to Jake that he was my first.”
“First what?” Riley sounds confused.
“First,” I repeat. “As in I was a virgin before I had sex with Jake. He’s my one and only.”
There’s silence at the other end of the line.
“Riley?”
“I’m here. I’m just trying to absorb what you just said. Just to be clear. Jake is the only guy you’ve ever had sex with.”
“Yes. He’s the only one.”
“My mind is completely blown.”
“Why does everyone have such a hard time with this? Do I come across as some kind of slut?”
Another awkward silence.
“Riley?”
“I wouldn’t say slut exactly. You’re more like a blonde bombshell. I always imagined guys knocking each other over to get to you.”
I give a sarcastic laugh. “Hordes of guys are gathered outside right now. I’m not sure how I’ll get through them all in one night.”
“Sorry.” Riley sounds remorseful.
I heave a sigh. “It’s okay. There’s not a lot I can do about the way I look. But I guess dressing the way I do adds fuel to the fire.”
“More like adding a tanker of gasoline to a raging inferno.”
“Seriously?”
“Put it this way. When you’re finally ready to expand your horizons beyond Jake you’ll have no trouble finding guys more than willing to step in and maybe even offer a real relationship.”
A real relationship. I know what the words mean and I certainly have great examples around me: Riley and Cooper; Tucker and Gracie; my parents. I just haven’t experienced it yet.
“I never imagined myself with anyone but Jake,” I admit.
“You know the Wilde brothers would do anything for each other. But even Cooper isn’t thrilled with the way Jake treats women, especially you, Harley.”
“I’m not thrilled about it either. I guess I just put up with it because I love him.”
“I know. But sometimes love isn’t enough. Sorry for the cliché, but it is appropriate. And now for another cliché since I’m on a roll: you can’t change a leopard’s spots.”
“Once a snake always a snake.”
She laughs. “Once a dog always a dog.”
“It’s going to be really hard getting over him.”
“The first one’s always the toughest.”
We both laugh. “Thanks, Riley.”
“Anytime. We’ll see you soon.”
Four
Jake
I just want this girl to leave. She won’t stop talking and her cackling is driving me crazy. Every time she laughs it’s like she’s stabbing an icepick in my head.
I thought she’d take the hint when I came back from the bathroom and was completely dressed, but she’s still completely naked and hasn’t even attempted to move from my bed.
There’s no way in hell I’m letting her stay the night. I can barely stand being with her for another five minutes—let alone five hours until daylight.
I gather her clothes that are strewn around my bedroom and place them at the end of the bed, hoping she’ll take the hint.
No such luck. She just stretches and yawns instead. “Tired?”
I shake my head. “Not really?”
“That was quite a workout.”
“Maybe I should take you home now.” I’m hoping the direct approach will be
more effective since she can’t seem to take a hint.
Her eyes go wide. “Now?”
“Now,” I repeat.
She looks upset, like she might cry. The last thing I need right now are waterworks. I’m not in the mood at all.
“I’m sure you’ll be more comfortable sleeping in your own bed tonight.” I try to make my tone as calm as possible. Then I give her one of my winning smiles.
She heaves a small sigh, but gets out of the bed. She does have a sexy little body. Too bad it’s attached to her incessant talking and that irritating cackle.
I’m thrilled that she gets dressed quickly. And it looks like she’s over the emotional thing—for now anyway.
“Maybe we can do this again sometime?” She looks up at me and bats her lashes.
I shake my head. “This was only a one night thing.”
Now she looks like I hit her. Great—maybe I spoke too soon about her being over the emotional thing.
“You said you liked me.”
I liked you enough to sleep with you once, I want to say, but I refrain. She did just let me fuck her, and I’m not that big of a dick.
I touch her face. “I’m just not into anything serious right now. I thought I made that pretty clear at the bar, before I took you home.”
She nods. Most girls I pick up are even less interested in anything serious then I am. They usually think I’m just a bartender, and a quickie in the back room or a one-night fling with a bartender is something they can brag about to their girlfriends. But every once in a while I pick up someone who thinks there’s a possibility of something more.
Unfortunately tonight is one of those nights.
I push her out of the house as quietly as I can. I don’t want to wake up Gracie and Tucker.
“Where do you live?” I ask, as I start my pickup.
“Green Meadows.” She looks out the window instead of looking at me.
Green Meadows is a trailer park outside of town. And not a nice one either. It’s a place for people who are down-and-out or down-on-their-luck. They offer weekly and monthly rentals. A lot of people go there if they can’t afford the deposit for one of the few apartment buildings in Old Town.
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