Lesbian: A Lesbian Life Worth Repairing

by Astrid Seguin

  "Oh, it does. Believe me, it does. What good are you to me if. . . never mind. We'll give it a try, okay? Just keep in mind, it's in your best interests to keep me happy."

  "Why's that?"

  "Because," he grinned at her, "you need my dick."

  She laughed, and smiled, and wondered why she needed him so badly. They'd only just met! But she did. Only a day, and she already knew life would never be complete without this man at her side.

  They found the inn, and Derfek once more reduced her to a state of quivering pleasure. Where did he find the stamina? And did the man never eat? Life with her true love certainly seemed different from anything she'd ever experienced.

  They did actually eat something in the morning, a quick breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and salt pork. Lorrine felt very privately disgusted. She despised soft-boiled eggs, and salt pork, while it satisfied some very deep cravings in her body for salt and fat, still looked like exactly what it was: a big blob of fat. But Derfek loved his breakfast, so she gulped the stuff down and tried not to look like she wanted to puke up the slimy eggs as they slid down her throat. Life with such a marvelous man surely required some sacrifices.

  And was it ever worth it, too. He couldn't always match up to that spectacular first day, where they had sex so many times it left her sore, but they always did the deed at least three times. And sometimes, she'd wake to him doing magical things to her body with hands and tongue, lighting her on fire so she didn't even mind how little sleep she got with him around.

  Every once in a while, she wondered at herself, how completely she strove to fit herself into Derfek's life. He didn't bathe often, so neither did she. He didn't eat, or sleep, very often, so neither did she. He wanted to have sex as many times as possible, in as many ways as either he or she could invent, and so did she. In fact, she became very good at the sex thing, and even able to surprise him on occasion.

  The first time she saw him talk someone into giving him money, she felt a little uneasy. He basically stood on the village green until someone noticed him, while Lorrine stood nearby. Look pretty, and back me up no matter what I say, beautiful, he'd told her. Then the first man approached them and Derfek proceeded to lie. A lot.

  "We're on a great expedition," Derfek said, grinning at the man who'd come to ask what they were up to on the village green. "But we're a little low on funds, and we need to find investors."

  "Expedition, my foot," the villager scoffed. "There's nothing in these parts worth looking for."

  "Not in these parts, no," Derfek agreed readily, then spun a tale of how his lovely wife (wife?!) came from the mysterious land of the Dargasi warriors, and they were returning to her ancestral home to seek out the treasures of the Great Djinn. For as everyone knew, the Great Djinn had died without securing his treasures properly, and Derfek had come by a map, listing three locations of magical artifact stashes. He even had the map, a suitably old and fragile piece of thin-scraped vellum. It indicated that the Great Djinn had held what now made up the Dargasi lands, back before it had become a desert. Rumor claimed the death-blow to the Djinn somehow eradicated all the life in the once fertile region, leaving behind a desert, but who knew the truth? That had happened millennia ago. All he knew for sure was that treasure lurked in that desert, just waiting for him to discover it.

  Lorrine listened, and she smiled and did her best to look pretty, even though she felt disgustingly aware that she hadn't had a bath in a while. Her instincts were screaming at her that Derfek was so full of shit it was no wonder his eyes were brown. Expedition? Pah! First she'd heard of it. But she smiled, and nodded, and watched her lover dupe a poor villager into handing over the coin he'd meant to spend on his evening beer.

  "What was that all about?" she asked casually, when the villager went away, convinced he'd see a tenfold return on his investment. "You've not told me of an expedition."

  "Oh, really?" Derfek scratched the back of his neck, incidentally tugging on the leather thong his religious medallion hung from. "Huh. Must have been an oversight on my part. I know I told you I need to get to Dargasi lands. Must've forgot to mention the map. Here, have a look."

  Lorrine looked at it, although she really didn't remember how to read a map. She hadn't seen one since she was a child, after all. But she trusted Derfek, so she smiled and said it looked fine, and wouldn't he like to sneak off to that barn over there?

  Re-entry

  It took a few days, and lots of help from the Healer Liesel, but eventually Kama recovered enough strength to go out of her new room, into the strange world she'd fallen into. She clung to Liesel's hand as she stepped out into the hallway for the first time, dressed in a lovely pale blue gown and feeling rather odd about her first public appearance ever with short hair. She didn't regret cutting it, because without its heavy weight reminding her constantly of how Lorra had loved to brush it she felt worlds away better, but she felt a little weird about looking so different. And so thin, too! She'd never been so scrawny. And. . . freckled. Somehow, during her weeks of madness, she'd gotten so much sun exposure that she'd tanned and freckled like a silly tomboy.

  "Are you sure you're ready for this?" Liesel asked, giving her a concerned look. "We don't have to go out yet, if you're not ready. . . "

  "I'm ready," Kama said firmly. "I want to get on with my life. It won't be easy, I know, but I want to live, not mourn myself into an early grave."

  "Good girl. Come, then, the Mother wishes to see you."

  Liesel led the way, and Kama looked around her with her newfound appreciation for life. The building may have been bland outside, or she remembered it that way, anyway. She'd of course have to investigate the outside, for upon her arrival here, she'd scarcely been in any condition to judge architecture. At any rate, the inside looked lovely, and no one would ever be able to mistake this place as anything other than a stronghold of femininity. The beauty of the furnishings soothed her wounded soul. Everything from wall hangings depicting gentle garden scenes to the rich satin cushions on the settle up against that wall spoke of warmth and comfort, as welcoming as an embrace from a friend.

  "What a lovely place this is," Kama said, keeping up with Liesel's energetic stride with a bit of difficulty.

  "Yes. We do try to keep it as tranquil and beautiful as possible."

  Kama restrained her flood of questions with difficulty. She reminded herself that the woman they called Mother, whoever she might be, most certainly would answer all her questions fully. Because, after all, that was what leaders did, right?

  "I never thanked you," Kama said, to keep herself from mentioning her appalling ignorance. "For saving my life."

  "No need," Liesel smiled, patting her arm. "It's my calling, after all. I save all the lives I can, and mend what's broken."

  "Well, be that as it may, I am still grateful. You helped me out of the worst pit I've ever been in."

  "And hopefully, here, you'll learn the skills to keep yourself out of any future pits. Now. Here is our destination. I will leave you alone to speak with our Mother. I know you are simply bursting with questions. She will answer them all, in one way or another."

  Kama wondered at the meaning of those words, one way or another, as Liesel opened a white-painted door.

  "Mother? Kama is here."

  Then she gave Kama a reassuring smile. "Don't be afraid."

  Afraid?

  But Kama didn't get much chance to wonder about why she should be afraid. She heard that powerful voice, the one she barely remembered, calling to her from within the room.

  "Come in, child. Let me meet you."

  The voice sounded wonderful enough to negate any thoughts of fear. Kama pushed open the white door and stepped through.

  Then she saw instantly why she might be afraid. The woman within wore a heavy, enveloping robe, with a veil that covered her entire head and face, all but her eyes.

  Kama dropped instantly to her knees, head bowed. "Forgive me, Shrouded One. I meant no insult."

  "I tak
e no insult from curiosity. Rise, and speak with me. What is your name?"

  "Kama." Her voice barely came out. Kama coughed, gulped, wondered if she had any courage left. "My name is Kama."

  "And what brings you here, to my house of learning?"

  "Mistress Banchek sent me."

  "Ah, yes. Elise Banchek came by some days ago and made arrangements for one of her former employees. She warned me you would be something of a challenge. She did not say you were bent on destroying yourself, nor that you had such a strange feel to you. Let me inspect you more closely, child."

  Kama felt a deep quiver of awe inside as the Shrouded One, a woman who'd achieved the highest rank possible in the service of the First Goddess, approached. No one knew what lay under the robes, what marvels the priestesses concealed from ordinary mortals. Some speculated they were covered with religious tattoos, some that they glowed with a holy light, some even believed they were blessed with eternal youth.

  Kama felt a jolt, something like a tiny lightning strike, as the Shrouded One's gloved hand touched her chin, raising it for inspection. She saw sharp blue eyes inspecting her.

  "Strange," the older woman murmured. "You have a feeling about you, something deep within, something that your recent experiences have stirred awake. . . "

  Kama felt pinned by those blue eyes, a mouse caught in the gaze of a hawk. And she felt a definite strangeness inside her head, a kind of prickle. Then it receded instantly when the Shrouded One took her hand away.

  "So be it. There is something puzzling about you, Kama, that will not come to me at this moment. But it will come. In the meantime, please, set aside your awe and speak with me. What do you hope to gain from my school?"

  The Academy of Grace, Mistress Banchek had called this place. "I. . . I hardly know. I have been. . . out of my mind of late. I know nothing of what this place is, or why Mistress Banchek would bring me here, or indeed what to expect. All I know is that for the first time in far too long, someone has offered me hope for a future that will end the horrible pain I've been suffering."

  "Sit, and tell me of your pain."

  The Shrouded One settled herself into a wingback chair, with a challenging gaze locked on Kama, who crept into the gentle embrace of a settle.

  "Um. . . " Kama blushed. "It seems almost silly now, how I overreacted. Liesel did something, with my permission, of course, to help distance me from my emotional troubles. And once she did, I felt much better, but. . . Well. I fell in love with a woman, one who is half Dargasi. And she, Lorrine, she. . . kissed me, and. . . "

  It wasn't silly anymore. Nor distant. Kama fell right back into that moment, feeling Lorra in her arms, then reliving the hideous pain as Lorra pushed her away and tore her heart into little shreds.

  Kama fought herself back under control, re-invoking the barriers Liesel had raised for her.

  Then the Shrouded One pounced, like a stooping hawk. She moved swiftly across the space between them, grasping Kama's chin again and looking deep into her eyes. The inside of Kama's head hummed and crackled like lightning in summertime.

  "Aha! I see it now. You. . . you." She shook her head in disbelief, releasing Kama.

  "What is it?"

  "Stormrider." The Shrouded One shook her head again and retreated back to her seat. "Well. And here we sit, two creatures of legend, a part of the modern world and yet apart from it."

  Kama forgot her awe of the other woman in the midst of her suddenly deepened confusion. "What is going on? Please, I need to know. Tell me!"

  "You, my dear, are of an ancient lineage that I have not encountered in many generations. Tell me, have you heard of the Lake People?"

  Kama shook her head.

  "No? Pity. Perhaps this is the truest reason why the lineage has faded. Very well, I shall tell you a story. There was once a land not terribly far from here which was filled with folk who had a strange and wild magic built into their very blood. They were such powerful elemental mages that they frightened everyone around them, for they had control over the entire elemental world. Strongest among these mages were the Stormriders, those who controlled the very winds and weather. It wasn't too horribly long, perhaps two centuries or so, before the rest of the world got tired of these powerful elemental mages dominating the lands around them and attacked with overwhelming military force. The mages were forced into a vast system of underground caverns and kept there as a precaution, a way to ensure they didn't take over the entire world. They actually thrived down there for centuries, building a remarkable city of stone on the shores of a great underground lake which gave them their name, but nearly the entire civilization was destroyed by merchants bringing swamp fever to this continent from Bandor. I'd thought they were all gone, but clearly at least one line survived, or you wouldn't sit here in front of me, with your Stormrider heritage stirring into wakefulness."

  "Forgive me," Kama said slowly. "I am afraid what you just said makes little sense, at least when applied to me. I have no mage talent."

  Sharp blue eyes bored into her, then the intensity dimmed a bit. "Relax, Kama. It is good that you have come here, to me, perhaps the only person in all the lands that knows what you are. My school will guide you and keep you. We will protect you from the dangers of your own inborn skills as they develop. And we will never, ever allow you to come to harm."

  "Thank you," Kama said, because she couldn't think of anything else to say.

  "As to your lack of mage talent, there you are quite wrong, my dear. I can see the mark upon you with perfect clarity. Something in your recent ordeal has triggered the development of your inborn ability. It does not really surprise me that you have not felt it yet, but you will."

  Kama fidgeted a moment, uncomfortable with the thought of herself developing some kind of mage ability. She pushed that problem aside.

  "May. . . may I ask a question?"

  "Of course," the Shrouded One nodded graciously.

  "I know this is a school, but I have no idea what you teach. What will I learn here?"

  "We teach all of the womanly arts."

  "The what?"

  A chuckle emerged from beneath the shroud. "Women are expected to carry this entire society, are we not? And we that serve the First Goddess know better than most that this has been true throughout history. And yet, women are expected to perform this monumental task without any preparation. This is where my school comes in."

  The Shrouded One paused for breath, and Kama wondered if all students got a similar pitch. The words sounded rather rehearsed. But Kama didn't mind in the slightest. If the Shrouded One had practiced the speech many times, chances were good it covered all the important information.

  "Here is where girls and young women learn everything from cooking and sewing, which I understand you could teach on your own, to where babies come from and how to enjoy getting them there. We cover the principles of basic housekeeping, we learn business management, and we learn which herbs aid digestion and which prevent pregnancy. And by the end of the coursework, we have learned the best lesson of all, which is that each and every one of us is a wonderful, skilled woman, in her own right, without the need to depend upon anyone, man or otherwise."

  Kama rocked back against the settle, thinking. "Perhaps. . . perhaps I will not need some of your classes, such as the sewing you mentioned. But I. . . I think I need this school, far more than you need me. You see, I decided to live, and with that comes the need to create a new life for myself."

  "You and I, dear Kama, will be working together very closely, soon," the Shrouded One said. "I have no intention of letting you slide down into madness by leaving you untrained. And some day, if I believe you can tolerate the process, I will share knowledge with you the like of which you've never dreamed of."

  Am I dreaming now? Kama wondered, still trying to reconcile the notion of herself and her utterly ordinary life having anything to do with some wild magical talent. "Madness? I could go mad?"

  "Yes. The power stirring within you is a da
ngerous one. It could consume you easily. You must tell me the moment you feel the power come to life. Any time, day or night, if you feel the power within you, you must tell me immediately. I have seen. . . but enough about that. I originally invited you to speak with me out of curiosity. I wished to see the kind of person Elise Banchek thinks so highly of."

  "You know Mistress Banchek?" Before coming here, she'd never known Mistress Banchek had a given name, other than "Mistress." The fierce and dedicated woman most certainly did not encourage familiarity with her employees.

  "Certainly." Even through the shrouding veils, Kama heard a smile in the older woman's voice. "She attended this school annums ago, and left a swath of devastation in her wake. Elise was one of a kind. I am honored that she thought well enough of her time here that she brought you to us."

  Kama desperately wished she could set good manners aside, just this once, and pry into the history of Mistress Elise Banchek. It sounded like there must be a fabulous story there.

  "But that's beside the point," the Shrouded One said briskly. "Moving on. In speaking to you, I have discovered an ancient talent come to light, and a soul with wounds so deep it hurts me to see. But here, you will do well. Now. Get yourself off to Mara Eldanquin, and speak to her regarding a recommended course of study. Your classes will begin this afternoon."

  "Thank you, Shrouded One," Kama said, rising and making a deep curtsy.

  "Call me Mother. The world does not know the open secret of this school. We fear retribution if word got out of the connection with the First Goddess."

  "The secret is safe with me, Mother."

  Kama curtsied again, then left, feeling more than a bit intimidated on several levels. Suddenly, she'd gone from the gutter, to a place where a very powerful woman expected great things of her.

  And the first great thing was finding a person in this maze of a building, with only a name to go on. Perhaps this constituted a test of her abilities, and of her ability to function under pressure. Not very fair, not really, when Kama hadn't been able to function at all for weeks on end. But she'd decided to live, so she'd best ignore the gaping hole inside her heart that threatened to suck the entire world back down into it in a shrieking spiral, and get on with the business of living.