by A. E. Murphy
I shrug and find my eyes become moist without my consent. “Haven’t you heard? I’m the friendless wonder.”
“You’re also such an attention seeker. You want friends?” I nod.
“Then fucking make them. It’s that easy.”
“If it was that easy, I’d have made them already.”
“You’re not even trying, you little tit.”
Frown. “Don’t call me that.”
“Then stop being it.” He guides me towards the door with hands on my shoulders. “Go shower or something. I need to get ready.”
We head to the city to take advantage of my brother’s connections. He’s good at making friends and lucky enough to find friends with certain advantages when it comes to getting tickets to events.
“We haven’t done this in years.” Mum grins, full of excitement.
We stand in a long line of equally excited people. The city always becomes so full of life when there’s a good show on.
When we make it inside, Dominic heads straight for the popcorn and I head straight for a drink. Mum follows Dominic, but I don’t mind; she never gets to see him anymore.
As I’m waiting in yet another line, my vision goes black and soft hands cover my eyes.
“Guess who?” Whispers a familiar, feminine voice in my ear.
“Emily?” I turn and hug her and she squeezes me a little too tightly. “What are you doing here?”
“Daddy, daughter date,” she replies, pointing at Nathan across the way who is speaking to somebody in a suit. “We have a box.”
“Fancy,” I reply, smiling and shuffling as the line gets shorter. “We have row seats.”
“I’ll be able to throw things at you from above.” I roll my eyes.
“Where’ve you been anyway?” She asks this seemingly innocent question, yet it makes me want to cry. “Dillan keeping you busy?”
“Something like that.” I change the subject. “I honestly can’t believe you’re here. It’s such a small world.” When I look back over to her dad I notice Mum talking to him, laughing at something he’s said. She catches my eye and waves.
My brother, with a massive box of popcorn, comes our way just as I purchase our drinks.
Emily stills beside me and when I look at her, I notice her eyes widen and her lips part.
“Emily, this is my brother, Dominic. Dom, this is Dillan’s
little sister Emily.”
Dominic, being the charming arsehole that he is, takes her hand and kisses the space just above her knuckles. “It’s a pleasure, Emily.”
“I… you… me too,” she stammers.
I try not to snort but I do and she elbows me in the ribs for it.
“Dominic’s staying for the holidays,” I continue.
She remains silent and I wonder if she’s broken. Her cheeks are bright red and her hands are clenched into fists. This is hilarious. Emily is totally crushing on Dominic and he seems completely oblivious to it.
“Are you two coming?” Mum asks, stepping into our bubble with Nathan by her side. “Nathan has kindly invited us to join him.”
“Yes!” Emily whispers. “Now we can throw stuff at people together.”
“I heard that. If you do that, you’re grounded.” Nathan casts a stern gaze at his daughter.
She rolls her eyes. “Chill out; I’m just kidding.” Then she murmurs, “He’s getting so grumpy in his old age.”
I laugh when he grabs his daughter in a headlock and marches her past my brother and mother. We follow, amused by her squeals.
“Dillan’s little sister?” Dominic whispers.
“Yes.” I reply, giving him a pointed look. “She’s a good friend.”
“See?” He grins. “You do have friends.”
If only he knew that I can’t talk to Emily about everything that’s going on; then he’d understand.
My life is so fucked up right now. For a moment there I forgot about it all. I wish I could go back in time and use a condom. I’m a moron.
What’s worse is, this morning when Dillan showed up, he brought breakfast but he couldn’t have been more distant if he’d tried. He spent the entire visit playing on his phone. I know he’s scared but I need him right now. I thought he was better than this.
I’m losing him. I know it. This isn’t my fear talking. He’s gotten cold feet. This has all become too serious and hard for him. People don’t want relationships that are full of stress; they want easy, not hard.
It’s hard now. He’s bailing on me.
The drive here had me vomiting twice. Dillan had to pull over; it was awful.
Will the nausea stop once it’s out of me or will it stay forever, haunting me for my selfish choices that led up to this moment?
Dillan holds my hand, his leg bouncing. We don’t speak. Neither of us want to be here.
“Tyler Shepherd?” The woman calls, looking perfect with her blonde hair in a neat bun and her uniform ironed to perfection.
I stand, Dillan too, and we follow her into a dark room. She makes me lie on a bed in the centre, beside a monitor on wheels with more buttons and gadgets than I can count. The paper beneath my back tears a little but I don’t apologise. I can’t breathe.
“Lift your top and unbutton your jeans,” she instructs softly as she taps away on the keyboard.
I do just that.
Dillan chews on his lip and I stare at him as she squirts a sticky, cold, gel onto my midriff. He keeps my eyes on his and his thumb strokes gentle patterns on the palm of my hand.
When she presses a peculiar prong onto my stomach, I jolt.
“It’s okay,” she soothes, placing her free hand on my shoulder. “It doesn’t hurt.”
Pressure increases on my lower abdomen as she rolls the prong around, on top of the gel. Her free hand leaves me and she clicks away using a mouse. I’m not sure what she’s doing but I’m curious. I sit up. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it and before she can stop me, I see it.
The tiniest blob shrouded in black. A little white flickering heartbeat in the middle. It doesn’t resemble a baby, not even a little bit, but I know it is.
It’s alive. I created that.
One tiny sperm and one tiny egg created that flickering heartbeat.
“Oh sweetie, don’t do that,” the nurse says softly and pushes me back onto the bed. “You don’t need to see that.”
“Is it wrong that I was hoping it would already be dead so that I wouldn’t have to do this?” I sniff as she hands me a tissue. I hadn’t realised I was crying until now.
“Not at all.” She places her hand back onto my shoulder. “Would you like a minute?”
“No,” Dillan interjects before I can say anything. “We’re fine.”
“Well,” she starts to clean up my stomach with dry blue roll, “I’m all done here. If you go outside and wait…”
“How far along am I?” I ask, cutting her off.
She hesitates but finally replies, “Seven weeks plus three days.”
“Our first time,” I murmur and squeeze Dillan’s hand.
“What happens now?” Dillan asks calmly.
“Just wait outside and a nurse will be with your shortly to discuss your options.”
He nods and helps me off the bed before leading me back out into the hall where we take our vacant seats once more.
A woman sits alone in the corner flicking through an old, slightly torn magazine. I wonder if it’s to distract her from the images of babies on the wall being breastfed and toddlers taking their first steps. I’m not sure this is a fair environment for somebody making this decision.
My mind keeps drifting back to the heartbeat I saw. It’ll forever be burned to my memory.
It’s a baby. It’s mine. Can I live with this choice? Is this what I want?
I just have so much going for my future, but it didn’t ask for this. It’s unfair that I’m killing it for a future I didn’t protect.
Adoption is always a choice.
Mu
m would probably end up taking it though. I wouldn’t be able to say no to her.
This is ridiculous. I can’t do this. Not now. I need more time to think. I don’t have more time to think.
Fuck.
“I want to go home,” I say quietly, closing my eyes. Dillan’s energy becomes so very cold that I shiver. “What?”
“I don’t want to do this. I need to think.”
“No,” he snaps. “You need to do it and then you can think.” I open my eyes and look at him. “I can’t do it.”
“Please,” he begs, gulping so aggressively his throat bobs. “I can see its heart beating every time I close my eyes.”
“Ty, you promised. Don’t complicate this.”
“But… it’s alive.”
“It’s not even the size of a fifty pence piece yet, Ty. There’s nothing live about it.”
“I saw its heart.”
His lips thin to a white line. “Don’t complicate this. Just get it done. It’s our choice. Not just yours.”
“No,” I snap, swiping away the tears from under my eyes. “It’s our mistake, so it’s our responsibility.”
“We can’t take care of a baby, Tyler!” He yells and grips my hand in his, tightly, painfully. “Don’t you love me?”
“Don’t try to manipulate me. Look… I know it’s going to be hard.”
“Fuck!” He shouts and stands, looking wide-eyed and frightened. “You’re actually serious, aren’t you?”
“Yes.”
“If… If you make this decision, you’re making it alone. I want no part in it.”
I see the woman’s eyes come to us both but I ignore it. I don’t care if we’re making a scene. This is how it is. I’m not doing this. I don’t disrespect anybody else for doing it; I just personally can’t.
My heart stops. “You’ll come around.”
“I won’t.” He shakes his head, scowling with a look of evil I’ve never seen before in him. “I’ll tell everyone that it’s not mine. My family will never accept it. I’ll never accept it.”
Holy crap… his words gut me. I feel as though my love for him has been vaporised, turning to ashes of hatred. “Who are you?”
“I’m just telling you how it is, Ty. I can’t be a dad, okay? I’m too young. You’re too young.”
“You’re a horrible person.”
“No, I’m a selfish one. I never claimed to be otherwise. Now do the right thing.”
“Okay,” I nod, sobbing when his hand grips my shoulder.
“Everything will go back to the way it was if you just do the right thing, okay?”
I nod again and look at the door, “Leave.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I said leave.” I can’t look at him; it hurts too much.
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“No.” I place my hand on my stomach. “You’re breaking up with me because I’m keeping it. I’m doing the right thing.”
“No…” he begs. “Please… I’m petrified here, Tyler. I don’t want any part of this. My family… everything we’ve worked for.” My scowl darkens. I’ve never felt anger like it.
“Don’t worry, Dillan. You won’t have a part of this. Be sure of that.” I start to walk away, ignoring the nurse when she calls my name. Dillan chases after me, stopping me the second I feel the fresh burst of outdoor air.
“I can’t do this, Tyler. I don’t want to lose you but…”
“You’re a coward,” I snarl, pushing his hands away. “We did this. Together.”
“I want my future. You could just go in there right now and take it all back.”
“I’m sorry, Dillan, I am, but I just can’t.”
“And you called me the coward?” He hisses and his eyes glisten with unshed tears. “You’re ruining my life.”
This breaks my heart so I shoulder past him and head to the nearest bus stop. He doesn’t come after me.
When college ends for Christmas it’s a lot easier to hide from the world. My parents think I’m going out with Dillan and my friends think I’m with my family.
That is until Christmas comes and Mum and Gwen, who seem to have become fast friends, figure out that we’re no longer together.
When Mum asked me about it a couple of days before the festivities, I burst into such powerful sobs I couldn’t stand. She sobbed with me.
That was the last time I cried over Dillan.
It’ll be the last time I ever cry over him. I have bigger things to worry about.
Fortunately Mum never asked me about him again and I think she passed that memo on to Dad and Dominic too because they’ve been nothing but attentive these past few weeks.
This is why, after bringing in the New Year with my favourite people, I’m a wreck. Not because of Dillan, but because Dominic is leaving again and it feels like just yesterday that he got here.
“I’ll come back at Easter,” he promises, as though April is only around the corner.
In April I’ll be a blimp. I’ll have my own gravitational pull.
He’ll be so ashamed of me.
They all will.
Emily: Milkshakes?
I’ve spoken to Emily a few times over the past few weeks but not much. It’s getting harder and harder to not tell people about my predicament. I’m suffering alone and I hate it. I never was very good at keeping secrets. Because of this I’ve been avoiding her too and I’m surprised she doesn’t hate me for it.
Tyler: That would actually be perfect. Are you free now?
Emily: Can you drive yet?
Tyler: I’ve only done about six lessons.
Emily: I’ll get the bus… I can be there in an hour or so.
Tyler: I’ll get my dad to drive. You at your Nan’s?
Emily: Yup. You know the place.
Tyler: Is Dillan there? I don’t think I can handle seeing him.
Emily: He is but I’ll come outside so you don’t have to suffer.
I breathe out a sigh of relief.
Tyler: Thank you, Emily. Sorry if you feel in the middle.
Emily: We’ll talk soon. <3
“Dad, can you take me to pick up Emily and then drop us at the shake place?”
“Right now?” He calls from the living room.
“Yeah, right now,” I call back and smile when he stomps towards me, grumbling under his breath. “Thank you.”
Emily thanks my dad and makes small talk during the journey to our favourite shake place. It isn’t until we’ve ordered and found a table out of ear shot that she hisses, “Okay so… what the fuck is going on with you and Dillan?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well you’re gonna.” She sits back and folds her arms over her chest. “He’s a miserable, mardy mess. I’ve never seen him so grumpy.”
“That’s his own fault,” I snap, really not wanting to talk about this. “He broke up with me.”
She blinks as though registering that fact. “No way. But… he’s obsessed with you. He has your pictures by his bed… he talks about you constantly… what happened?”
“He’s a dick.” I scowl.
She frowns. “He’s my brother; he’s never been a dick.”
“People change.” Our milkshakes arrive but suddenly I don’t want to drink it anymore. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I just don’t understand how you’ve gone from being what you were to what you are.”
“Ask him.” I sip my drink but it tastes like ash. “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
She huffs but says nothing. “Well, whatever. I’m still your friend and I’m still his sister so I’m not taking sides.” I bet she would if she knew the real reason behind our break up. “Do you want to catch a movie?”
I shrug. “Are you going to keep talking about Dillan?”
“No, promise. I’ll never mention him again unless I have to.” she pats my hand on the table. “Do you want to go and see a movie?”
�
��There’s nothing on at the moment.”
“True.” She scrunches up her nose with thought. “Shopping?”
“Actually,” I slide my teeth over my lower lip, “that’s a good idea. I need a few new pieces, no thanks to my weight loss.”
She nods, smiling. “Let’s go then.”
We pick up our shakes and exit the little diner.
Looping her arm through mine, we head towards our favourite stores and browse the aisles, picking things up to try on. I go for baggier clothing, clothing that will hide my shameful predicament.
“You really don’t know a thing about fashion, do you?” Emily sighs, holding up waist-high, torn jeans to her legs and a crop top to her breasts.
“I dress in what’s comfortable.”
“Me too. It’s not like these clothes are uncomfortable. They fit me well, they look good, I can move in them, breathe in them.” Then, with a look of mischief, she adds, “You want to make him jealous? Change your look.”
“I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “Those clothes aren’t me.”
“Of course they are. You just don’t know it yet.”
She hands me my own pair of waist-high jeans and a netted, floral lace top. I decide to try it on if only to appease her.
Giggling, she pulls me to the changing room and starts to strip. I do the same, looking at myself in the mirror when she turns her back to me. My hand flutters to my stomach. I still can’t believe how much weight I’ve lost. I look like a completely different person.
I pull on the top first and then the trousers, almost falling as one leg gets stuck on the heel of my foot.
“Need a hand?” Emily snorts as I finally tug them up to my hips.
I pull the top button to the loop and it just reaches.
“We should do some sit ups together,” Emily grins, turning sideways and looking at our midriffs in the mirror. “Tone up these loose tums.”
I look at mine and it has a slight roundness to it that it didn’t before. This is different to the podge I used to have. All the exercise gave me hard abs and an almost flat stomach. This is a bump in the making, or maybe I’m imagining it.
I can hardly be imagining it when there’s an actual thing growing inside of me.
“You should buy it; you look so good.”
She’s right, I do look good, but I just can’t justify spending this much money on something I won’t fit into in a couple of weeks.