by A. E. Murphy
I wrap my arms around him, my nails digging into his skin. His deep guttural growl just keeps me going. I can’t handle it. It’s too much. Tears fall down my cheeks, my nose tingles, everything is fucking burning so badly that my body begins to shake. “Bloody hell,” Dillan grits through clenched teeth. “Tyler… you feel amazing. I… it’s…” Burying his face into my neck he stills. I feel him pulse inside of me, throbbing, tensing as I clench. “I’m not done,” he whispers as we come down from that high together. “I’m not done.”
“Good.” I grin, wiping my forehead on my top. I don’t even care how gross that is. “Me neither.”
We fall asleep together until two in the morning when I hear his nan come home.
I’m too tired and too comfortable in his arms to care.
We awake at five and jog back to my house where Mum, Dad and Dominic are all still sleeping. I should have gone back last night but one thing led to another. I’m horny again already. I need to slow down.
“Mum and Dad are going to be upset,” I say quietly.
“That’s if they notice you didn’t come home.” Dillan kisses me and pushes me up against the side of the fridge. “Which I don’t think they will have.”
“Want to go back to your Nan’s?” I giggle quietly. “I feel as though we haven’t done it in months.”
“Christ, Ty, you’ve almost broken me. I’m not sure I could go again even if I wanted to.”
“Boring.” I push him off me and move into the hallway where I tilt my head to catch the sounds from upstairs.
“Hear anything?” He asks.
I shake my head. “This house is too big.”
“Not big enough.” My brother states as he descends the stairs, his angry eyes on the man I love. “What time do you call this?”
“We always go jogging at this time,” Dillan responds, stopping by my side.
“From nine at night until the next morning?” He clips. “I was up until three.”
Oops.
“I just hope for your sakes you’re being responsible. Sex is for the sole purpose of breeding and breeding will ruin your fucking lives.” He gives me a stern look. “Be safe.”
Oh… my… god.
When he brushes past me, I race up the stairs. The nausea I’ve been feeling has suddenly returned and I almost don’t make it.
“Bugger,” Dillan sighs and rubs my back as I vomit up nothing but water. “That’s it. You’re going to the doctor.”
Tears stream from my eyes and my body shakes, though not because of the sickness.
“What’s their number? I’ll book it myself.”
“No,” I blurt, shaking my head and quickly closing the door to the bathroom. I brush my teeth, tears still gliding down my face as my brain works through dates and days and months and… “We haven’t. We’ve been so stupid.”
“Huh?” He looks blissfully unaware of my mental torture. “Dillan…” I turn to face him and lean back against the sink.
“We haven’t been safe. It never even…” His face begins to pale. “We never spoke about it.”
“Safe as in contra… contra…”
“Contraception,” I whisper hiss and run my hands through my hair.
“I…” He looks as ill as I feel. “You aren’t… you can’t be.”
“I’ve been sick.”
“A bug.”
“I’ve been so horny.”
“We all get like that.”
“My boobs are sore.”
“Are you due on or something?”
I bite hard on my lip. “I haven’t had a period since a week or so before the first time we…”
“No,” he shakes his head and takes a step back. “We aren’t that unlucky, okay?” He turns, yanks open the door and paces through my room to the window. “It’s not possible. I can’t… we can’t… there’s no way we can…” His own hands rip through his hair, but his stay there. I step up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist.
“We’ll figure it out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out, Ty. If you are… there’s only one option.”
“Yeah,” I agree, squeezing my eyes shut. My tears dry. “We’re only seventeen.”
“Exactly.” He turns and holds me in stiff arms. “Why didn’t you get the pill or something? Aren’t all girls on some kind of preventative?”
“I was a virgin. It never came up,” I point out, frowning. “Why didn’t you use condoms?”
“I didn’t think.”
“Exactly,” I snap, jabbing him in the chest with my finger. “So don’t blame me. Besides, we should do a test first before we start panicking.”
“Right.” He blows out a breath. “I’m already panicking.”
“Me too.”
“Promise me you won’t complicate this if you are.”
“Complicate it?”
“Just… you know… let it all be over.”
My heart sinks at how badly he doesn’t want this. Not that I want it; it just hurts knowing he also doesn’t, as hypocritical as that is.
I’m such a mess. I can’t believe this is happening to me. This doesn’t happen to people like me. I should go on to university, to get married and then have babies after tons of cocktail parties and expensive holidays.
“I should go anyway,” Dillan states, pushing me away with stiff arms.
“Please,” I beg, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Please don’t be like this with me.”
“Like what?” His tone rises. “I’m not being anything.”
“You’re tense and distant.”
“I’m stressed. What do you expect?”
“I am too.”
He pushes me gently away again and my lower lip trembles. I feel as though my whole world is crumbling.
“Hold me,” I beg, placing my hand over his heart.
He does, but it’s as stiff as a dead guy’s embrace and with even less feeling. “I’ll call you later.” His equally stiff, dry lips touch my temple.
“I love you,” I murmur, gripping his top with a tight fist.
He doesn’t speak as he peels me from him and exits the house, leaving me feeling worried, empty and terrified.
I try to nap but unfortunately sleep evades me. I have a horrible feeling it’ll be evading me for some time to come.
What ifs torture my mind. The thought of losing Dillan… it tears me up inside. But the thought of what I might have to do alone, without my mum to hold my hand, is even more terrifying. I never agreed with termination but what choice do I have?
I have so many aspirations. So many wants.
Why didn’t I protect myself? Why didn’t it even enter my mind?
Why don’t I have a best friend I can call to cry to?
Tyler: I’m really scared. Will you call me? I just need to hear your voice.
Dillan doesn’t respond. I become panicked and send him two more messages, begging him for his attention, yet I get nothing.
He’s going to leave me. No.
He’s not that kind of guy.
Is he? How well do I really know him?
“You coming down for breakfast?” Mum yells after a few torturous hours of silence.
“I’m not hungry,” I shout back, hugging my legs like a child. “I’ll save you a plate for when you are.”
“Where have you been?” I hiss at Dillan when he arrives at my house in the late afternoon.
He nods towards the stairs and follows me up to my bedroom. As soon as the door closes behind him, I unleash my fury.
“I have been going out of my mind,” I whisper shout. “I thought…”
He pulls a bag from the inside of his jacket and drops it on the bed.
“What’s that?” I ask and watch him tip it out.
Three different brands of pregnancy tests lay on my duvet, brazen as day.
“I feel sick.” I tell him quietly, my hands going to my stomach. “I don’t want to do this.”
He passes me the bottle of wate
r on my dressing table and forces me to drink half of it.
“I need to know. I can’t clear my head,” he says, unable to make eye contact with me. “I need to know.”
“I’m not sure I want to.”
His eyes meet mine, full of stress and annoyance. “Just take the damn tests, Tyler.”
I snatch a box and rip it open. The stick within is encased in a white, foil packet. I tear it and stare at it in my hand for the longest time.
“You pee this end.”
“Piss off,” I snap, not needing his attitude right now. “Give me a break.”
“I can’t… not until you give me one.”
“Yes, because I’m doing this on purpose?” I stomp into the bathroom and slam the door behind me. My legs bounce after I sit on the toilet and place the stick below my crotch, praying internally that I don’t accidentally pee on my hand.
“Are you done?” His tone is clipped and his hand bangs on the door.
“Seriously?” I hiss under my breath. I place the stick beside the sink as I wash my hands and Dillan, hearing the taps, walks in uninvited. He rests the box next to the object of truth and looms over it, his eyes never leaving the space in which the lines form.
“Anything?” I ask, sitting on the closed toilet, my hands trapped between my knees. “Dillan…”
“Wait,” he replies, his tone just as clipped as before. “No…” He picks up the stick and the box to get a closer look. “No… no.”
“What?”
“Do the others,” he demands, near shouting. “Be quiet.”
“Take the other tests now… this one’s faulty.”
I snatch the stick from him and stare at the pink plus symbol in the little rectangle. I don’t even need the box to compare it to. It tells me on the stick exactly what that means.
“Oh my god.” It clatters in the sink and my hand goes to my stomach. “I feel like the world has stopped.”
“We’ll deal with it. We just need to make an appointment or something.” He gives me a look of mourning and determination. “Now. Get your phone.” He pulls his from his pocket. “Use mine.”
“Give me chance to think.”
“You don’t need time to think,” he shouts, his eyes blazing with a fury that startles me and equal parts scares me. “You need to deal with this so everything can go back to normal.”
“It’s not that simple,” I cry, hating myself for the tears that scald my cheeks. “Just let me have a minute to adjust to this.” He goes to argue. “I’m fucking pregnant, Dillan. I’m fucking pregnant and I’m terrified and I don’t have anyone and you are… you’re not you.”
“This just got too serious too fast,” he admits, his tone softening. “I don’t know how to deal with this level of stress. I just… I just want it over.”
“Me too,” I admit solemnly. “I’m pregnant.”
“Stop saying it. Stop.”
“You’re not helping how I feel right now.”
He laughs humourlessly. “I’m not thinking beyond how I feel right now. I’m devastated.”
“Because we’re getting rid?”
“No, because I was so bloody stupid. I’m supposed to be smart. I’m supposed to set an example and instead I knock my girlfriend up who I’ve only been seeing a few weeks.” He shakes his head as if trying to erase his brain. “I need to go.”
“No!” I panic. “Please… please don’t leave me. Not yet. I need you.”
“I can’t do this right now.” He walks out of the room. “I need space. You need to book an appointment.”
“On my own?”
“It’s just a phone call. I’ll be there for the thing itself.”
My lips part. “No, Dillan. I need you now. I… please. Please don’t go. Not yet. Just hold me. Let me cry. Don’t shut me out.”
“I can’t be your fucking crutch right now, Tyler,” he snaps and yanks open my bedroom door.
He’s gone, leaving me with two unused pregnancy tests and one used to deal with.
As promised, I call my doctor and make an appointment for the morning. I text Dillan the time and place but he doesn’t reply. He also doesn’t show.
I’ve never felt heartbreak like it.
I thought I knew heartbreak before but that was mild in comparison to this.
Tyler: Where are you? Why are you doing this?
He’s gone and he’s not coming back.
Tyler: I have to go in to the hospital on Monday for a sizing scan or something and to choose. I really need you with me. I can’t do this on my own.
No reply.
Tyler: It’s at ten. Will you take me? Please?
Dillan: I’ll pick you up at nine thirty.
Tyler: Can you drop by after college? I miss you.
Dillan: I’ve already made plans. I’ll come tomorrow.
Plans? How can he have plans when I can’t even leave my room?
Tyler: I need you, Dillan. I NEED you.
Dillan: And I NEED space.
Tyler: Me too but it’s inside of me so I can’t get it.
Dillan: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Tyler: Suddenly there’s no I love you? Now that everything got real?
Dillan: I didn’t ask for this.
Scoff.
Tyler: And I did? Are you tapped in the head? I’m as scared as you are, maybe even more so because I’m the one who’s going through it.
Dillan: I’ll be there tomorrow. Message me again and I won’t bother.
What an arsehole.
Tyler: Then don’t fucking bother.
I scream into my pillow and resist the urge to throw the contents of my room around like a psycho. I need to vent. There’s too much anger in me that I need to get rid of.
He’s horrible. Horrible. What did I ever see in him?
The next day, after avoiding everybody without rousing suspicion, I head to classes. I need to act normal even though I feel far from it. The last thing I need right now is Mum finding out about this. That’s just extra anger and stress piled on my shoulders, as if I don’t know how stupid I am already without them telling me.
I don’t see Dillan before classes start, nor do I catch him at break and I desperately search his regular hangouts.
It’s not until lunch time that I find him, sitting on a chair at our usual table with our usual friends.
He doesn’t look up when I approach and the others notice. I sit beside him and place my hand on his. His eyes finally come to mine, bloodshot and confused.
“I’m sorry,” he mimes and strokes my cheek with his fingers.
“Me too,” I mime back and wait for him to kiss me. Our fingers lace as our lips meet and then I rest my head on his shoulder. “Don’t let me do this alone.”
“I won’t.” He nudges my nose with his. “I promise.”
“Let’s go?” I plead. “I can’t handle another moment in this stupid place.”
He nods and stands. “See you later, guys.”
“Bye, lovers,” Leroy calls in a singsong voice.
“Don’t forget,” Carl shouts over Leroy.
“Forget what?” I ask Dillan quietly.
“We’re going to his Nan’s tomorrow. I’m keeping him company as she renews her vows. It’ll be entirely mundane.”
“Rather you than me.” I try to smile but it’s as forced and flat as my mood. “You’ll be there on Monday, right?”
“Yes, I just needed time.”
“Did you get enough of it?” I hiss bitterly.
He stops and turns to face me. “Lay off, Tyler. I don’t know what to do, okay? I’m doing the best I can.”
“Then do better,” I demand. “We can’t fall apart right now.”
“No, I know.” He pulls me into his chest. “Just promise me that you’ll go through with it.”
“I promise.” I tuck my hands between us and sigh when he squeezes me. There’s never a moment that I feel safer than right here in his warmth. Or I used to. Now I feel as though I’m clinging
on out of fear rather than safety.
Fear that he’ll walk away from me when I need him the most.
“I love you,” I say into his chest.
“You too,” he replies and finally lets me go. “Will you come to mine later?”
He shrugs. “I have to get my suit ready and everything.”
“Right.” I bite onto my tongue to will myself to not cause an argument right now. “What about tomorrow?”
“I’m with Carl.”
“The next day?”
He nods. “I’ll come in the morning.”
“Dom.” I hop onto his bed and shake his shoulders. “Dom, wake up.”
“Why?” He yawns loudly, still completely under his covers. “It’s Saturday.”
“Mum said you promised to take her to see a show this afternoon.”
“Exactly… afternoon being the key word here. It’s too early.”
“It’s nearly one,” I laugh, standing and observing the new mess in his room. It’s odd to think that this place has been gathering dust for so long and suddenly it’s full of life.
“Oops!” He tosses back the blanket and rolls out of bed, stretching his back from side to side. “Where’s lover boy?”
“Swimming with his little sister. He came earlier.”
“Mum said you’re inseparable.” He raises a judgmental brow. “Either she’s a liar or your pet has been avoiding you the past few days.” His smile becomes an evil one. “Or maybe you’ve been avoiding him?”
“Stop sticking your nose into my business and concentrate on keeping your plans.”
He chuckles and moves to his suitcase. “You haven’t unpacked yet?”
“Of course I did. Mum washed everything and told me to put it away. Stacking it and hanging it up just seemed like too much work.”
“She’ll kill you.”
He grins at me over his shoulder. “Probably.”
“Well, my duty is done. I’m going to be a hermit in my room again until further notice.”
“Further notice? Make yourself pretty; you’re coming with us.”
My heart does a bounce of happiness. “Really? You want me there?”
When he stands, his eyes full of sympathy fly to mine. “Why the hell would you think otherwise?”