by A. E. Murphy
I quickly pull away and smile shakily. “It’s great to see you.”
“You too,” she replies, her brows furrowed, and I watch as her eyes drag down me from head to toe. “You’ve lost weight.”
“I wouldn’t,” Mum warns, smiling at her friend. “She’s sensitive about that right now.”
She gives me another once over and her eyes linger on my stomach. I try to suck it in but to no avail. I can only hope she doesn’t see anything.
She keeps glancing my way and deep down I know that she knows. I just have this horrible gut feeling that she knows and I’m just waiting for her to bring it up.
She catches my eye and gives me such a sympathetic smile. “I took the liberty of ordering ahead.”
“I messaged her,” Mum adds proudly, as though only she could have thought of texting.
“The flat bread is a new one for you, Tyler,” Gwen points out, smiling though I can see the cogs turning.
“Dillan had it when he brought me a few weeks ago. It was lovely.”
She smiles genuinely. “It’s my own recipe, right down to the dough.”
“Speaking of recipes, you really should release a cook book,” Mum states and Gwen sighs, her eyes full of amusement.
“This again?”
“I just think it would be a great investment. Your recipes are to die for.”
I nod my agreement. “They really are. I’d sell my soul for your lemon cake.”
I feel soft hands cover my eyes and familiar lips touch my cheek. “You can’t sell your soul; it belongs to me.”
I scowl as I remove his hands from my eyes.
“You look radiant,” Dillan whispers in my ear and Gwen’s sympathetic smile becomes one of love and pride. “As always.”
I remain stiff and continue to look at my empty champagne glass, not that I’ll be drinking but I wish I could.
“Are you not enjoying yourself?” Dillan asks quietly, taking the seat beside me.
Mum and Dad both look at me for any sign of distress but they receive nothing but a look of frustration and defeat. I’m not going to make a scene.
“I didn’t know you were coming.” Gwen blinks at her son. Dillan leans into me and asks, “How could I resist?”
“You should have,” I murmur so only he can hear. He helps himself to the leftover food on my plate.
“I missed you,” he whispers into my ear, sliding the back of his fingers along the outside of my thigh. “Join me outside while we wait for food.”
His words penetrate my steely façade and I fight to keep a clear head and dry eyes.
“Can we please not go over this for the thousandth time?”
“I told you I wasn’t going to give up,” he replies smugly and I’m starting to wonder if he’s being genuine.
“You should.”
“I’m not.”
I glare at him. He comically glares back and through my anger bursts forth a laugh that I haven’t felt in far too long. My hand flies to my mouth to stifle it and my eyes narrow around my thumb.
He grips my hand, pulls it away from my face and kisses it.
“Excuse me.” I stand, smile at my table and move towards the lavatories, which I hope are empty. The toilet is my frequent friend since week six of this pregnancy.
“Excuse us,” Dillan stands and follows.
When I exit, Dillan takes my arm and steers me out of the restaurant. We hide behind the same pillar that we hid behind the last time we slipped out to talk in private, before any of this happened.
I close my eyes and dream of that time. A time I was so innocent.
“You’re killing me. The sorrow you’re feeling, it’s all over you.” He rests back against the pillar and watches me with sad eyes. “I want to take it all away.”
“And I want you to feel it with me,” I snap. His eyes darken. “You think I don’t?”
“Not in the same way.”
“Maybe not, but it’s hurting me too.” He looks away and his lips thin to a white line. I see his eyes glisten. “I wish things could have been different for us, Ty. I truly do.”
Hearing him say this only brings me more grief. “I guess I just had this romantic fantasy that my first pregnancy would be after marriage. We’d have been trying for a little while and we’d take the test together; the lines would appear and we’d be deliriously happy.” I sniff and close my eyes to push the fresh tears onto my cheeks.
“We can still have that one day.” He grips my forearms and holds me to him.
“Mum and Dad would be overjoyed at the birth of a grandchild.”
“That will still happen.”
“We’d have a baby shower and get so much crap that we don’t even need.”
He tips his head to see my eyes. “That’ll still happen, Ty.”
“No, it won’t!” I shout, unable to control my tone. After a few deep breaths I continue, my voice as shaky as my body. “It won’t, because the next time this happens to me, I’ll remember this moment. I’ll remember the baby I couldn’t have.” I wipe at my eyes and bat his hand away when he reaches for me. “You have no idea.”
“Come here,” he pleads, trying to pull me into his chest, but I duck under his arm and move away from him. Holding myself, I stare over the gardens. “I’m sorry about everything. It’s all my fault.”
“It’s our fault,” I sigh. As much as I hate him for what he’s done, I can’t rest the entire burden on him. “Ours.”
“Well, all of this pain you’re feeling is because of my cowardice.” He drops his hands and looks at the cloudy night sky. “I’ve been trying to give you space but…”
“You’re only here because it’s over with.”
“No.” He looks genuinely offended. “God no… I…” Pause. “You wouldn’t believe me now if I told you anyway.”
“Told me what?”
He shrugs. “It doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is now and how I promise that I will never hurt you again. I’ll never abandon you again. I was vile. I was the kind of person I don’t want to be. Especially not to you.”
Hands cup my face. I grip his wrists while I ask, “You’re kidding, right? After all you’ve put me through, do you honestly think I’ll just let you back? I’ll never trust you again.”
“I’ll work at it.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“Deep down I know you do.” He grips my face between his hands. I soak it in, his energy, his warmth. “I know you. I know that you love me. I know that you know that I know that I messed up.”
My lips pinch together as I try not to smile.
“See?” He whispers, pulling me into his chest and enveloping me in his arms. “We’re too young for all of this drama holding us back.”
“Definitely.”
“If you gave me another chance, I’d wait. This isn’t about the sex. We wouldn’t have to do anything.”
“We should go back inside,” I sniff, trying to move away, but he doesn’t let me. “Dillan…”
“Tyler. Please. Just one more chance.”
“You’re in dream land,” I scoff.
“Why? Don’t think you can resist?”
I roll my eyes. “I’m just not in the mood to put myself in a position where I’ll be badly hurt by you again.”
“Then let me prove it to you,” he pleads, kissing the tip of my cold nose.
“It’s too late.”
“There’s no such thing as too late.”
“Oh, trust me,” I laugh humourlessly, “there is.”
Sighing heavily, he steps out of my way and loops my hand through his arm. “I’m still not giving up.”
“In a couple of months when we’re both leaving for different universities, you’re not going to have a choice.”
“Then I’ll just have to up my game.”
I round the pillar, pulling him unwittingly behind me. “What’s the point?”
“I love you. I don’t need a point.”
“Let’s see ho
w long your love lasts this time, shall we?”
“Does that mean you’re giving me another chance?”
“No.” I deadpan and when I hit the light of the lobby, I plaster on a fake smile. “I’m hungry.”
“You’re always hungry.”
I punch him in the arm and squeal when he tries to wrap his arms around me in retaliation. “Stop.”
“You started touching me; that means I have permission to touch you back.” he grins handsomely. “Equal rights and all that.”
“You’re a knob.”
“I know, but I’m working on it.”
I wish he wouldn’t. I almost wish he were still avoiding me. I never should have told him I aborted. I should have anticipated this. Is he preying on me while I’m weak? Does he think I’m easily manipulated while I’m so vulnerable? Would I be easily manipulated had I gone through with the termination?
“What are you thinking about?” Dillan asks quietly as we make our way back to our table.
“Food.”
With my final exams getting closer, I really start to knuckle down. It helps to keep my mind off everything. Mum and Dad are leaving me alone, what with Mum all excited about her next new project, her new friendship with Gwen and her new Zumba fitness class. Dad is busy as always around this time of year. People seem to break more teeth in March than any other month. I don’t know why, maybe it’s from all the sugar they consume over Christmas?
Gwen fortunately didn’t figure out I was pregnant. I think this unhealthy dose of hormones and lies have been screwing with my paranoia levels.
I hear a tap on my window and it startles me so badly my text book flies out of my hand.
“Open up!” Emily hisses.
“What the fuck?” I make a dash for the window and push it open as Emily clings to the top of the frame like a monkey. “Are you insane? I have a door you know.”
“The very door,” she grunts, swinging herself in and dropping onto the carpet with a thud. She knocks my ornaments from the window ledge and as she rights herself, pulling her mini-skirt down and her shirt down over her belly bar, I quickly put them back. “You never open when I call.”
“I’ve not been home.”
“Lies.” She clicks her fingers in my face. “You don’t want to be my friend? Tell me.”
Oh shit. She’s upset. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve called you a hundred times.”
“I know.” I look away, ashamed of myself. “I’m a terrible friend… I’ve just been trying to avoid Dillan.” When I look back at her, I find her eyes on me, her jaw on the floor. Her eyes are on my stomach. My protruding stomach, covered by nothing but a thin, white vest. Mum and Dad aren’t home yet so I didn’t bother covering up. I’m such an idiot.
“What’s wrong with your stomach?” She asks, swallowing visibly.
I try to conjure an elaborate excuse to come up with what this is, but my mind is blank.
“Why does it look like that?”
“I… I can explain.”
“Is that…” She gently touches me, placing her hand on the top of my growing bump. Tears fill her eyes. “Is that my brother’s?”
I pinch my lips together as both of our eyes fill with tears.
When I nod she seems to stagger back a step. “Does he know?”
I look away. “It’s complicated.”
“What the fuck is so complicated?” She turns and slams my window closed. “Does he know?”
“He did.”
“Did?”
“Like I said…”
“Explain!” She orders, her voice loud.
“Emily, chill out.”
“Chill out? You’re pregnant…” She looks at me as though I’ve grown another head, which if you really think about it, I have. “You’re like… really pregnant.”
“I know.” I move to my bed and sit down, my bump resting on my thighs a fraction. “It sucks.”
“Does Dillan know?”
I shake my head. “When he found out…”
“So, he does know?”
“Oh my god!” I give her a pointed look. “Will you shut up and I’ll explain?”
She zips her lips closed with her fingers.
“We were going to abort but then I couldn’t,” I start, twisting my fingers in my lap. “I couldn’t.”
“And Dillan?”
“That’s when we broke up.”
I spill all. With each word I feel a weight lift, but a new one takes residence on my shoulders. Can I trust her? Does it matter if she tells anyone? I’m getting bigger by the day; I’m surprised nobody has noticed yet. Especially Dillan, he’s constantly in my space when he can be.
“My brother wouldn’t do that,” she says when I finish.
“You hold such a torch for your brother. How well do you really know him?”
She looks at the ground, shame in her eyes. “Not well enough, apparently.” Then her eyes light up. “I’m going to be an aunty.”
“No!” I blurt, shaking my head. “Don’t say that. Don’t get attached.”
“Right.” Blowing out a breath, she locks her hands behind her head. “You need to tell somebody.”
“No, I don’t.”
When she rolls her eyes, I want to slap her twice. “You just think you’re going to continue blimping up.”
“Not a word.”
“And then pop out a baby and give it up and nobody will notice?”
It sounds stupid when it’s said aloud. “Pretty much?”
“That’s stupid. You’re stupid.”
“What else would you suggest?”
“Not having intercourse would have been a good thing.”
My glare does little to penetrate her arrogance. “Not helping, Emily.”
“I don’t know what to do,” she admits, looking at my belly once more. “I feel so sorry for you. I don’t think you realise how hard this is going to be.”
“I know.”
“You need to speak to somebody.”
“I can’t.”
She puffs out her cheeks and then blows out a breath. “You need to tell Dillan.”
“I can’t handle his savagery right now. He can be vicious.”
“You need to tell him.”
I pull one of my old baggy jumpers on. “I don’t need to do anything but take care of myself.”
“You can’t do this alone.”
“I can and I will.”
She moves back to the window and looks outside. I see her shoulders sag. “You won’t do this alone. I’m here.”
Dare I hope? “You mean you aren’t going to tell him?”
“No.” She gives me an apologetic smile. “Because you are.”
“You’re supposed to be my friend.”
“Yes.” She shrugs. “And I’m his sister.”
“Damn it, Emily,” I snap and start to pace backwards and forwards. “Why did you even come here tonight? How the fuck did you get through the window?”
“I climbed up the pipe and then onto the bay window. Because I was worried, because we’re friends, and also because I needed somewhere to stay as I’m high.”
Blink. “I was wondering why your eyes look so bugged out.” My anger rages. “What is wrong with you? Drugs now? Jesus, Emily.”
“Says you, Miss Duff.” Touché.
“I’ll set out the guest bed,” I sigh.
“I’m going to stay with you tonight. You look like you need a cuddle.” She smiles softly.
“I’m not sure I want a cuddle from the person about to rat me out.”
She bounces on my bed and flops back onto the pillow. “He’s my brother. I can’t keep this from him. He deserves to know.”
“After how he treated me?”
Rising up onto her elbows, she bites on her lip as her hazy head no doubt tries to find a way to not piss me off further. “It’s still his kid. Besides, I’m pretty sure you can’t give up a baby without the dad’s consent.”
“I was going t
o say that it was a drunken one night with somebody I don’t know.” I laugh a little. “Wouldn’t be the first time a girl my age has done something like that.”
She pats the bed beside her. I climb on and we lie face to face, hands curled under our cheeks. “I’m never having sex. I’m now terrified.”
“Good.”
“I think Dillan will come around to the idea.”
I daren’t hope. “He won’t and I don’t want him to. It’s hard enough convincing myself to go through with this.”
“Then don’t.”
I roll my eyes and then roll onto my back. “Please don’t tell him, Em. I’m begging you.”
She rests her hand on my stomach. Spud, that’s the name I’ve given the baby, gives a happy little flip.
“Did you feel that?” I gasp, placing my hand next to Emily’s, who just stares at my bump with wonder in her eyes.
“I thought the weed was screwing with my head until you just said that.” She turns to scowl at me, her eyes full of tears. “You couldn’t have waited, could you?”
“I’m aware of how stupid I’ve been.” I lift my jumper and vest and expose my stretching flesh. “The evidence is right here.”
“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
Shaking my head, I roll back on my side to face her. “I couldn’t look. I told them I didn’t want to know. The less I know right now the better.”
“I think it’s a boy.”
“I don’t want to think about it.”
Emily shrugs. “I don’t think you have a choice.”
“Especially now you’re not giving me one.” The thought of this little bubble of lies I’ve blown around myself suddenly popping is enough to make me want to run away. What if Dillan decides to tell his parents? “Just give me until the end of the month, okay?”
“Why?”
“I just need a few more weeks stress free, to finish my coursework. I won’t be able to concentrate if he knows.”
She nods once. “Fine, you have until April third.”
“Why April third?”
“He won’t believe you on April Fool’s Day.”
Good point. “I need to brush my teeth and get ready for bed.”
“Where exactly were you planning on running to and having the baby, Ty?”
I look at her questioningly.