by A. E. Murphy
“You said you were going to go away in your last stages and have the baby in secret over the summer.”
“Oh.” I shrug. “I don’t know. I guess I was just hoping something would pop up and save me.”
“Dillan has money, you know? He could afford to pay for somewhere for you to stay,” she states. “He’s always working, especially at the moment. He has a trust fund and Daddy trusts him with his own credit card.” She places her hand on my arm. “I know you don’t want to tell him, but he loves you. He won’t let you go without. He was a mess when you two weren’t talking. He asks about you all the time. Give him a chance to be a bastard again before you paint him as one.”
“After everything he did…”
“He’s a stupid boy. He was probably terrified, as you are now. How is what you’re doing any different to what he did?” She has a point and I hate that.
“I’ll tell him,” I promise and pad to my bathroom. “I need to brush my teeth. There are spare toothbrushes in the guest room.”
“I know the drill.” She saunters out, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I should hate her for what she’s making me do but I know she’s right.
I have no right to keep this from him, regardless of how he felt in the beginning.
I am such a mess. My hands tremble as I brush my teeth and wash my face. I’m petrified right now.
Petrified.
“You look pregnant,” Emily whispers in my ear as I pour milk over my cereal. “I don’t know how you’ve hidden it; I really don’t.”
“Stop it,” I hiss, checking my extra-large shirt before eating a bite of cereal. “I look fine.”
“Denial,” she sing-songs and grabs her own bowl from the side. “He’s going to figure it out before you tell him. They all are.”
“Will you stop?”
“I’m just pointing out the blatantly obvious.”
“Well, stop.”
“You’re huge and you’re only going to get huger.” She adds, frustrating me further. “And if they figure it out before you tell them, they are going to freak!”
“I hate it when your tone gets all high pitched like that.”
She shrugs, unaffected. “You know I’m right.”
“Not if I pull it off.”
I can see she thinks I’m insane.
“This isn’t a bloody movie or a book, Tyler. This shiz is going to go psycho bat shit crazy and you’re going to be powerless to stop it if you don’t get your ducks in a row now. You don’t even have a plan.”
“Okay, okay,” I snap. “Let me do this my way, okay?”
“Daddy is going to kill Dillan if he finds out how he walked away from you.” She casts a sympathetic gaze. “I still can’t believe he did that.”
“Me neither.”
“He’s so in love with you… I just don’t get it.”
“Me neither.”
“I bet he regrets it.”
I press my lips together. “He says he does but I don’t believe it. As soon as he finds out I lied, he’ll walk away again.”
She huffs and places her empty cereal bowl by the sink. “I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”
“Unfortunately so.” I grumble. “Traitor.”
Dillan: Can I come and see you? I have a surprise for you.
Torn between needing to avoid him for longer and wanting to see what it is that he’s going to surprise me with, I place my phone down and walk away from it, not trusting myself to do the right thing. At this point I’m no longer sure what the right thing even is.
“I should go.” Emily yawns loudly, stretching her arms above her head. “If anyone asks, I was with you from noon yesterday. We just chilled in your room and talked about boring stuff. We had sausage and mash.”
“If you won’t lie for me, I won’t lie for you,” I reply, raising my chin defiantly.
Her mouth drops. “Touché, fat bitch. It’s like that is it?” I shrug. “I give what I get.”
“Whatever,” she giggles. “I know you won’t rat me out.”
“You know nothing.”
“John Snow,” she adds with a heavy accent, still giggling. “I love you, Tyler. You need to get out more. Make some friends.”
“You sound like your brother. I have yet to meet people who I feel so connected to that I know we’ll be friends in fifty years.” I flip my hair over my shoulder. “I don’t want scattered memories with acquaintances. I want to spend my time with genuine people who love me as equally as I love them in return.”
“Such as myself.” She grins mischievously. “Have you applied for university?”
I nod. “I’m guaranteed a space at The University of Edinburgh. They have the best course in the UK, according to ratings, but I’m keeping my options open, I really want De Montfort.”
“Good. I want to learn from you when you do your applications.”
I nod. “Fine by me. Just don’t try to influence my choices. I need a clear head.”
“Would I?”
I snort at the deceptive innocence on her face.
“I really should go,” she sighs.
“Where’ve you been?” Leroy asks, pulling out the seat beside me. “You avoiding us because of that wanker?”
I know he’s referring to Dillan.
“No, I just didn’t want to bring any awkwardness to the table.” I lie. I couldn’t care less about awkwardness. This heartburn is killing me.
“Well, I’m about to bring it to yours.” He grins and pinches a crisp from my open packet on the grey tray before me. “I’m here not only because I’ve missed your miserable façade, but also because you’re ignoring my boy and he’s displeased.”
“He’ll get over it.”
“He sent me to ask why you haven’t been to the shelter in a while.”
I read something online that said animal faeces can cause blindness and other scary things in babies. “I’ve been busy.”
“That’s what I told him already, that and you don’t want him anymore. He’s become a lost little puppy.”
I shrug. “I have bigger things to worry about than Dillan’s feelings.”
His smile widens. “Then perhaps you’ll put yourself in the path of mine and allow me to invite you to dinner this weekend?”
Blink. “Are you seriously grafting on your friend’s ex?”
“You’ve been separated enough time. You’re fair game now.”
I look over at Dillan, who is staring at us both, his eyes as desperate as my soul is longing to be free of this torment.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Ah, yes, but I must try,” he chuckles, tugging on a lock of my hair. “But in all seriousness, please allow me to take you home to my parents again. They enjoyed your company last time.”
A strong pain vibrates through my lower back. I wince and grip the table for support.
“Are you okay?”
I nod. “Just back ache.” I’ve been getting it on and off all day. “I’d love to join you again, but I’m actually going away this weekend with my own parents. They insist on dragging me along to this weird arse convention over in Sheffield. I’ll most likely end up sitting alone in the hotel, praying for death.”
He chuckles and takes another crisp. “Then tomorrow?”
I don’t have an excuse as to why I can’t tomorrow. “Fine, pick me up at five in your flashy new car.”
“Will do. You bringing vodka?”
I cringe, my stomach giving an unsettling jerk. “Still off vodka?”
“I just can’t stomach it right now.”
He shrugs. “No worries, I need to keep a clear head anyway so I can drive you home.”
When he takes my hand in his I startle, especially when he brings it to his lips.
“People are staring,” I hiss, snatching free and making him laugh.
“So is Dillan.”
“I’m not trying to make him jealous.” Yet I glance over my shoulder and find his eyes boring into my own.
&n
bsp; Leroy winks and hops up off his chair.
Like every other day I attend this hall, which is rare now I’m growing, I sit and wait until nobody that I know lingers. I can’t risk anybody seeing my bulging belly. It’s becoming so hard to hide and I only have a few more days left before Emily rats me out. She will, I know she will; she’s too loyal to her family and I’ve been ignoring her calls yet again.
Seeking the solace of my own friendship is my only saviour right now. I can’t trust anybody to throw my plan in the trash. That’s why I’m leaving Saturday morning.
I’ve handed in my final assignments for this term and by pretending to be my mother, I ensured any further work would be emailed to me. Luckily, due to being a loner, I’ve always been ahead in classes so until exams I trust myself to do the work. I can’t afford to fail this year, not when I have so many opportunities for the future.
My aunt is housing me from the weekend in her home in Oxford. She doesn’t know and nor will she; she’s constantly away. That’s what makes this so perfect. It also makes me wish I’d thought of it before.
She’s quite excited to house me.
I just hope these aches will go by then because I don’t relish the thought of packing while this agony clenches a tight fist around my lower spine.
The pain worsens at the thought of Mum and Dad’s faces when I tell them I’m leaving. Well, I’m not even telling them. I’m going and then I’m going to call. Or maybe I’ll text.
My belly shudders so I pat it discreetly.
Speaking of parents, my phone rings the second I step onto my driveway. It’s Mum.
“Okay,” she begins, sounding giddy. “We’re going to the Weston’s tonight for dinner.”
“What?” I squeak, my voice catching on the lump of panic in my throat.
“They had a cinema room installed,” she almost shouts. “A cinema room!”
“Are you a pubescent teenage boy?” I scoff. “I’m not going.”
“Please,” she begs. “It’ll be awkward without you and I know Emily and Dillan are looking forward to seeing you.”
“I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid both. I’m not just going to put myself in their way now.”
“What is your deal?” She snaps, making me tense. Another pain forces my eyes shut. I search blindly for the door handle, phone trapped between my shoulder and ear. “You’re being such a little twat to them. Get over it already. Okay?” Before I can speak she adds, “Drama. So much drama. Your bed is what you make it and you’re making it crappy.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“You’re so entirely frustrating!”
Well I am your daughter, I think but don’t say.
“You’re ignorant, moody, you stay in your room all of the time. I haven’t seen you in weeks.”
“I know,” I say softly as my heart sinks at the reality that this could be our last night together for a while. Before I go away and do the unimaginable. “Ah!” I cry when a strong pain rips through my stomach.
“Are you okay?” Mum asks, her anger turning to concern.
“I just stubbed my toe,” I lie through gritted teeth. “I’ll come, okay? But don’t force me into any situations I feel uncomfortable in.”
“I’ll have a word with Gwen about Dillan…”
“No!” I choke. “No… Dillan will leave me alone.” He’s gone quiet over the past couple of weeks. I can’t tell if he’s giving me the space I’ve asked for simply because I’ve asked for it, or if he’s just grown tired of chasing me. Neither make me feel good.
“We’re just going to watch a movie and eat junk food.”
Normally I’d be ecstatic at the thought of junk food but this back pain and stomach ache is just bringing on bout after bout of nausea.
I’m looking forward to getting to say goodbye, not just to my parents but to Dillan and Emily too. Not that I’ll be telling Emily that I’m leaving.
I get myself ready, relieved that baby is resting in a position that seems to make my stomach less pronounced. I hide it under a straight drop dress and couple it with a knee length cardigan.
My hair is thicker, so much thicker than it was. I pull it from my neck and tilt my face from side to side as I try different hairstyles.
I settle on a messy style, held up by a clip. It looks lovely. I feel lovely. Except for these aches. I’m not big enough to start getting back ache yet, am I? I really should start seeking proper help for this entire thing. I’m looking forward to the freedom of being able to do that. Just call the midwives and go to hospital without fear of being spotted. To lounge around all day in next to nothing. To let baby kick in the sunshine as opposed to constantly under the covers.
“You look so uncomfortable,” Mum hisses.
“I’m dying for a wee.”
Luckily this serves as a way for me to avoid hugging anyone because the second light spills onto the driveway, I rush past our gracious hosts and all but dive into the nearest bathroom.
“Nice to see you too,” Emily calls through the door.
“Leave her alone, Emily.” I hear Gwen chastise her from further away and hope they can’t all hear me peeing.
“Hurry up, before Dillan hears of your arrival and hunts us down.”
When she hears me washing my hands, she opens the door and slips inside, only to molest my stomach.
I bat her hands away. “Stop it. You’ll make her move.”
“Her? It’s a girl now?”
“He, it… whatever.” I correct.
She raises a brow but changes the subject. “They finally converted the basement into a games room.”
“Finally? When did all this come about?”
“Last week.”
I blink slowly. “Your parents are crazy.”
She shrugs. “Probably where I get it from.” Then her face turns serious and her tone lowers to a whisper. “I take it you’ve not told him?”
“No and I’m not telling him until Saturday. Let me have tonight with my parents and you guys, okay?”
“Okay.” She sounds genuine. I just hope she keeps her promise. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just back ache.” I frown and press my lips together. “It comes and goes.”
“Looks awful. Want me to get you some pain killers?”
I thank her and exit the bathroom. She moves towards the kitchen as I round the corner and find the stairs to the basement. Just before I can reach for the handle, I’m pushed gently into the door itself and gentle lips touch my ear.
“I missed you,” Dillan whispers, pulling my hair to one side and nibbling at my neck.
He presses his body to mine, crushing my breasts and stomach against him, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Nor do I. His lips on my neck and shoulder light a fire in me. Tendrils of lust lick out from my soul, drawing him in, wishing we could take this further.
He kisses me deeply and for the first time in weeks and I allow it. When he feels me relax, he pulls me in tighter, cupping my head with the back of his hand so I can’t escape.
“Are you finally ready to let me in again?” He asks breathlessly.
I push him away by accident as another ache tears through my midriff, causing me to double over with the pain. It squeezes and clenches. I’ve never felt anything like it. I’m starting to wonder if this is back ache at all.
“Two pain killers and one bottle of…” Emily stops in her tracks when she sees me folded over, using Dillan’s arm to stop me from completely toppling. “Water… Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I right myself when the pain fades and shake my head.
“What the hell?” Dillan asks, his gorgeous eyes full of concern. “What is it?”
I nod. It’s a lie. I’m absolutely petrified right now. I wish I’d stayed at home. “Just pulled my back. When I straighten too much it hurts.”
He frowns. “You should see a doctor.”
“I already did; it’s just muscle strain,” I lie. I’m getting good at lying.
“No!” Both Emily and I startle. I immediately right myself and laugh unconvincingly.
“I’m fine, honest. It was just a twinge.”
He doesn’t look convinced but I think he’s just too happy to be in my space without drama that he daren’t argue.
We descend the stairs into a darkened room. A huge semi-circle shaped sofa sits opposite an even larger screen. A projector, controlled by a remote device in Nathan’s hand, spills a flickering white light onto a pull-down backdrop.
“This is amazing,” I whisper so Mum and Gwen, who are happily giggling in the very centre of the couch, don’t see us enter. Nathan is far too engrossed with his new gadget and my father is pouring popcorn kernels into a miniature popcorn machine by the bar.
“There’s a bar,” I laugh. Though it’s only small, it’s cute and imitates a real bar, with glasses on shelves and alcohol bottles pinned to the wall. “Since when are your parents into this kind of thing?”
“I think they think it’ll make Dillan visit more often; they’re redoing the guestrooms too, for any future friends he makes.” Emily sighs as though it’s idiotic.
“They’re worried I’ll spread my wings and lose my way home.”
Dillan tries to put his arms around me from behind, but I jump forward and glare at him. He grins easily and oh so innocently. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Lies.”
Dillan tries to hug me again when we sit down, shifting until his thigh is against mine. When I move up, he follows.
“Stop,” I hiss in the dark.
“No. If I’m going to get you for the rest of this marvellous evening then I’m remaining as close to you as physically possible.”
Why must he torment me?
“Behave,” I whisper, stifling my giggle when he nuzzles the side of my head with his nose.
“Dillan.” Nathan frowns at his son and shakes his head.
Dillan only rolls his eyes, kisses my temple and relaxes beside me. His arm rests behind my head along the back of the sofa and I laugh when Nathan takes the exact same stance besides Gwen. My mum and dad sit side by side, fighting over the fresh popcorn, which leaves a warm, sweet scent in the ventilated room.