by A. E. Murphy
“No I’m over Dillan,” I state easily. “He doesn’t bother me anymore.”
“So why so glum?”
I shrug. “Maybe I’m due on or something.”
He doesn’t believe me; I can tell by the glance he gives me. “Well I’m here if you need to talk.”
“Thank you. Me too.” I lighten up and it’s forced but convincing. “I’ve got a major craving for spaghetti.”
He grins. “Yeah? I have too, now that you mention it.” I scream with glee when he whips his car around, doing a full U-turn. “And I know just the place.”
We enter a little Italian restaurant in West London. It’s small, it’s cute and the food is great. Leroy tries hard to impress me. His manners are impeccable. He also speaks Italian, something I wasn’t aware of. He tells jokes and keeps the conversation flowing and for the hour we spend here I feel a bit more at ease.
When we leave, he takes my hand in his as though we’ve been lovers for a long time. He leads me to a nearby store where we stock up on a mixture of snacks. He doesn’t let me carry them either. I can’t tell if he’s genuinely this chivalrous to a woman he wants or if this is just him.
“You sure you want to do this tonight?” He asks as we make our way back to his house.
I nod. “Doubly sure.”
“It’s not wise to do them so often.”
“I won’t be able to do it again for another week,” I point out. “I’ve never done them before yesterday so I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not going to try and control you.” He takes my hand in his. “I just wish I could take away your pain in some other way.”
“Maybe in a couple of weeks you can.” I place my hand over his. “For now, let me have this. Please.”
Sensing my need, he nods without further argument. “You’ll have to stay with me in my room tonight though.” He quickly continues before I can protest. “I’m not sure what time Mum gets home in the morning. Normally I’d offer you the guest bed, but she’ll insist on calling your parents if she sees you and something tells me you don’t want them to know where you are.”
“You can read me well.” I don’t really have any other choice at this point.
“What did Dillan do to make you move on?”
Sigh. “Why are you bringing this up?”
“I shouldn’t. I can see it annoys you but I’m curious as to what it takes to make you fall out of love with a man you so desperately loved before.”
“He got me pregnant and left me when he found out,” I reply bluntly.
His face would be comical if I had any joy in me to share. “Shit… you’re pregnant?”
“Not anymore.”
His mouth opens and closes a few times as he searches for the right words to say. In the end he settles for, “Let’s go get high.”
“Amen.”
There’s a loud banging on the door.
“LEROY!” I hear a familiar voice yell. “LEROY OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!”
“No,” I moan. “Just stay sleeping.”
Leroy kisses the back of my shoulder and stands. “He knows I’m here. If I don’t open, he’s going to break a window. Stay here.”
“OPEN THE DOOR!” Dillan screams, hitting it repeatedly.
I smile. It’s been ages since I saw Dillan.
What’s he doing here?
“SHE’S NOT HERE!” I hear Leroy yell. There’s a scuffling noise, some cursing, loud banging, something smashes and then feet ascend the stairs. “She doesn’t want you anymore, Dillan!”
The door to the bedroom opens with a boom, bouncing off the door stop.
I remain curled up in the foetal position. I’m not sure I can move, even if I wanted to.
Dillan pulls my face to the side and rolls me onto my back. He taps my face gently. “Baby, what have you taken? Talk to me. Ty… what did he give you?”
“Happy pills,” I reply, smiling and loop my arms around his neck.
“Come on.” He lifts me easily, cradling me to his chest. When Leroy stands in the doorway, wearing nothing but a shirt and boxers, Dillan lifts his foot and, with a movement I feel but can’t follow, his boot connects with Leroy’s groin and poor Leroy drops like a boulder from a cliff.
“You arsehole.” He grunts through his agony.
“If you come near her again, I will kill you.” Dillan spits with a tone so menacing it sends chills down my spine.
“You mean like when you killed her by leaving her? Pregnant and needing you?”
Dillan tenses but steps over his old friend with me still in his arms. “Come on, I’m taking you away from here.”
“She’ll come back…”
“Away?” I whisper, still smiling and then the world goes black.
I feel a cold flannel on the back of my neck and it rouses me from my comfortable slumber. My cheek is pressing into the softest pillow, one that I don’t recognise but one that I’ll have to purchase in the future.
“Hmm.” I nuzzle the pillow and the flannel is removed.
“I’ve run you a hot bath.” He rubs my bare leg that pokes out from underneath the blanket.
“I don’t want to move,” I grumble and grab blindly for him to pull him back to my body so I can soak in his warmth. He snatches my hand out of the air and kisses the top of my knuckles.
“You have to move or you won’t get your surprise.”
I smile and roll onto my back. I’m in a room that I’ve never seen before. The walls are white, reflecting the sun in such a powerful way I have to shield my eyes with my arm.
Dillan leans over me, his hands either side of my head.
“Where are we?”
“Somewhere safe.”
“Somewhere safe?”
His eyes soften with a sombreness a person of our age shouldn’t harbour. “We’ll talk more after your bath.”
With that he lifts me, reminding me of the night before, and carries me into the bathroom before carefully lowering my naked body into the hot, steamy water.
I watch as he strips his body of his own clothing and lean forward as he slides into the large, deep tub behind me. Some of the bubbles spill over the sides and onto the tiled ground.
He’s so handsome, every toned, perfect inch of him. Now I remember exactly why I fancied him in the first place. His skin is golden, his chest free of hair, though I’m sure that’ll come as he gets older.
“I’m going to take care of you, Tyler,” he says softly in my ear as I rest back against his chest. “We’re going to get through this together.”
“Don’t remind me of it all,” I murmur, closing my eyes. “I don’t want to be reminded.”
“Okay.”
I close my eyes and let out a heavy breath as he strokes my arms with gentle fingers.
“I love you,” he whispers so quietly and softly, it tickles my ear. “Please don’t be so stupid again. I can’t lose you too. I just… can’t.”
His arms come around me and hold me tightly. I place my hands over his forearms to keep them there. I forgot how safe and secure he makes me feel.
“You don’t need drugs to get past this,” he continues, his tone still sweet and quiet. “We can do this together, me, you, your family. Let us love you. Let us help you.”
“I’m not sure I want to get over it,” I admit and my eyes begin to sting again, the familiar pain returning and making my chest tighten. “I don’t feel I deserve to.”
“Of course you do; it wasn’t anybody’s fault what happened. It’s just one of those horrific things.” He kisses my cheek, taking away the tear though it’s only replaced with a new one. “That’s why you and I are going to spend a week alone. We’re going to talk, we’re going to heal and we’re going to move on together.”
“In just a week?”
“No, but it’s a start, right?”
I shrug. I don’t see it happening but I’ll give him this chance. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For ignoring you and blam
ing you.”
This time he shrugs. “What I did to you was unforgiveable. It pained me to do it and I knew it was wrong but I still did it.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Well, it’s not your forgiveness but it’s a start.” He twists my hair into his hands and gently eases me away from him. I wrap my legs around my knees and soon his soapy hands start to massage my back. His fingers and thumbs dance down my spine and over my ribs. “First, as my mum said, you must learn to forgive yourself before you can even begin to forgive me.”
“That feels nice.”
“Good, because until I’m forced to leave, I’m going to spend every day making you feel good.”
“To ease your own guilt or because you want to?”
He thinks on it for a moment, his body stilling with his hesitation. “Both.”
“How’d you even find me?”
“Your mum called and said you left with Leroy. Well, she called him Leon but I knew who she meant.”
“She never was good with names.”
His sudsy hands move to my neck and my head rolls forwards. “I don’t ever want to see you with him again.”
“I instigated everything. You can’t blame him. I wanted it. I called him, not the other way around.”
“I can because he’s my oldest and closest friend. If his girl showed up on my doorstep begging for drugs, I’d call him. Clearly something isn’t right there, yet he fucking lied to me because he wants you. What kind of friend does that?”
Okay he has a point, but still… “I called him first. Remember that.”
“He chose you over our friendship.” He grits. “He chose to hurt you over our friendship.”
Also a very good point, but it’s still all of my fault. “I’m sorry.”
“Promise me you won’t do it again. You’re not that kind of person. You don’t do drugs.”
“I promise.”
He kisses my temple. “Now I promise to look after you, to take care of you, to become a man and be more responsible.”
“What’s the point? In a few months you’ll be away to university and so will I.”
“Then I’ll follow you. I can do what it is that I want to do anywhere.”
“That’s just stupid, not to mention crazy.”
He pulls me back against him and rubs my forehead with his hands. “I’m crazy about you.”
“Why?”
“I’ll have an entire list for you by the end of the week; how’s that?”
I almost smile. “Was she as perfect as I imagined?”
“She was so perfect we could never have imagined.” He threads the fingers of his right hand with my left. “Her little eyes…her cute, tiny nose…her lips were pursed like she was ready to receive a kiss.”
“Did you kiss them?”
“I was only allowed to kiss her tiny hand. It was the size of the tip of my finger.” I run my own finger over his and bring the tip of his forefinger to my own lips. I close my eyes and pretend I’m kissing her hand. This is the closest I’ll get to the real thing. “Tell me more.”
“She could fit in one hand. Her legs were so long though, and every toe was near perfect, every finger.”
I turn in the water and press my forehead to his neck. “I never got to meet her.”
“That’s not true. We laid her with you for as long as we were allowed. She was in something called a cuddle cot as her body was so fragile, too fragile to touch. You knew she was there because you rolled over and we put your hand next to hers.”
“I did?” I sniff and I feel him hum a yes. “Nobody told me that.”
“You didn’t give us chance.”
“I suppose not,” I sigh, thinking of how badly I reacted, though I’ll never blame myself for it. “I miss her.”
“I know.” He rests his chin on the top of my head. “Right, you finish cleaning up. I’m going to get out and get your surprise ready.”
With that he climbs out and leaves me alone.
Where the hell am I?
“We’re in the middle of nowhere.” I frown as I stand at a set of open sliding doors, wrapped in a thick wool cardigan and cradling a hot cup of cocoa in my hands. “What is it with your family and houses in the middle of nowhere?”
“This place belongs to my Aunt Sasha and Uncle Tom. It’s their holiday home near Mum.”
“They bought a place to be close to you all?” I raise a brow with disbelief. That’s sweet.
“That and they love the city. We’re only an hour from Essex.”
“That’s why the air smells salty then.”
He nods, grinning. “I can take you to the beach later if you like?”
“Maybe.”
Padding to me, his feet bare on the wooden floor, he presses his chest against my back and wraps his arms around my waist.
“Did Mum and Dad take it well when you told them where we’d be?”
His lips breeze across my neck to my shoulder as he slips the cardigan down to my bicep. “They don’t know where we are.”
“What?”
“They know we’re together and that’s it.”
“Ugh.” I wince. “We’re going to be in so much trouble when we get home.”
“It’ll be worth it.”
“I can’t have sex with you,” I snap and his kisses stop abruptly between my shoulder and elbow. “I’m still not right down there.”
“I wasn’t planning on that anyway.” He looks genuinely hurt. “I’m not trying to turn you on. I just want you to be relaxed.”
Now I feel bad for jumping to conclusions. “I’m sorry, I just… don’t trust anyone right now.”
“You mean you don’t trust me.”
“You hurt me.”
“I’m trying to make it up to you.”
“I know, but don’t expect immediate results.”
He nods. “Just remember that I lost my daughter too. I know I wasn’t there for you but it hurt me too. I fell in love with her the second I laid eyes on her, maybe even before then.”
I sip my drink and continue staring over the vast countryside.
“Do you want to go for a walk?”
“No.” I turn to face him and kiss his jaw. “I want to veg out on the couch and eat the cake you made for me.”
“Then that’s what we’ll do.” He grins and takes my near empty cup from my hands. “I love you, Tyler. Promise me you trust that much.”
My sad eyes meet his and even though I see his sincerity, I find it hard to believe that a person who loves me could leave me right when I needed him the most. “I’m trying to believe you but…” I trail off because what do I even say?
He smiles and closes the blinds covering the glass. “Get comfy.”
“Yes boss.”
We rest on the large sofa together. He sits behind me, his body against mine, his chin just on top of my head. He tickles my arm from my elbow to my wrist continuously. My eyes drift closed and I never want to leave this bubble. I feel safe, secure, loved, wanted, protected. How long for? How long until I have to go home to reality and face everything again?
“Do you have any idea how worried we’ve been?” Mum yells so loudly I have to hold the phone away from my ear.
Dillan snatches the phone from me and walks out of the room with it. I hear his muffled voice through the wall but I can’t make out the words. He remains calm when I have zero doubts my mum is freaking out at him right now.
Wiping away my tears on the back of my hand, I switch off the TV and bring my knees up to my chest.
Flashes of the memory of Dillan leaving me when I found out that I was pregnant just continuously assault my mind.
I stand and move to the open sliding doors, the heavy, knitted, thigh length jumper that hangs loosely from my shoulders itching at my sensitive skin. Pulling it off, I drop it on the floor and step outside into the salty air in nothing but a thin strap, white vest and a pair of Dillan’s boxers.
It’s warm today. I haven’t felt it this wa
rm since last year. Summer is on its way; it was once my favourite season. Just a single traumatic event can literally change the way you look at everything in life.
Dillan steps beside me, my phone in his hand. I take it from him and look at the blank screen then place it on the porch railing.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” He asks carefully.
I shake my head. “No, I need to get my coursework finished and call school. If I leave it any longer, I might not get to do my exams.”
“It can wait a little longer.”
“No it can’t,” I snap, gripping the wooden railing tightly with both hands. “I need it done so I don’t have to worry about it.”
“Okay.” His tone is defensive. “I’m sorry for suggesting you wait. I just don’t want you to overexert yourself right now.”
“And I want to ensure my place in university so I can get the fuck away from here and from everything and everyone.”
He doesn’t speak and that’s probably for the best. Nothing he can say will make this any better.
I do as I said I was going to and use a desktop computer that sits in the study. It helps me take my mind off things and relieves some of the tension in my body and mind when all the emails to my different tutors are sent.
Dillan brings me lunch that I don’t eat and Leroy rings my phone, which I don’t answer.
I feel as though any trace of the girl I used to be is completely gone and every time Dillan pops his head around the door to check on me, it just makes me angry.
When night falls, I join Dillan in the other room where he sits hunched over his phone.
“Hey.” He looks up with tired eyes when he hears the sound of my voice. The dim lighting in this room really casts a shadow of mourning over his face. I can see all of the pain he’s harbouring, all of the guilt. How does he expect me to heal with him when I have to see this?
“You done?” He asks calmly, forcing a smile.
“Yes.”
His smile falters. “Why do I feel as though you mean more than what I asked?”
“I want to go home,” I tell him honestly.
“What? Why?” He stands, keeping the length of the coffee table between us.
“You know why.”