by A. E. Murphy
He takes a step towards me and I let him. “We can get through this.”
“You shouldn’t have come for me, Dillan.”
“I love you. I want to help you.”
“You’re too late,” I reply, my tone frustrated. My eyes fill with tears. “I can’t forgive you, Dillan.”
I see the heart break in his eyes that mirrors mine.
“I can’t forgive you because forgiving you would mean forgiving myself and I can’t do that either.” I brush away my tears with the tips of my fingers. “Whatever we had between us vanished the moment I lost the very one who connected us on a level I’ll never understand.”
“You need time.”
“Yeah,” I admit. “I do. I need time away from you, away from my parents, your sister, away from everyone that reminds me of what I’ve lost.”
“No, you’re grieving…”
Shrugging, I step closer to him this time and murmur, “I’m not grieving, Dillan. I’m broken. I’m fucking broken, shattered, obliterated, pick your adjective.” I inhale a sharp breath and fight back a sob. “I can’t look at you. I can’t be near you because you remind me of everything that I’ve lost and it’s just too painful.”
“Then spend just a week with me here, just a week, that’s all I ask. See if it doesn’t feel better, even slightly, in a week.”
“Feel better?” I scoff.
“Give me strength here, Ty. I don’t know what to say or do.”
“Just take me home,” I respond incredulously. “I appreciate the effort but I’d really just like to go home right now, okay?”
“Shit,” he curses under his breath and runs his fingers through his hair. “Fine, but not until the morning, okay? I’m not driving this late.”
I nod. “That’s fine, thank you.”
His lips pinch together and then he repeats with a questioning tone, “That’s fine, thank you?”
“Don’t start,” I plead.
“Don’t start?”
I turn and leave the room.
“Where are you going?”
“To the bathroom, is that okay?” Now I’m just being a bitch.
When I exit he’s waiting for me in the kitchen with a hot chocolate on the counter. I smile and step into his open arms, taking just a minute to feel safe and warm in his arms like I used to.
“I need time,” I whisper into his neck. “I just need time to find myself again.”
“I understand that.”
I turn so my back is against his chest and pick up the drink.
“Hey, that’s mine.”
“Mine now.” I lick the rim of the cup.
Dillan drops me off at home with promises to call, only because I wouldn’t let him follow me in.
Mum and Dad are mine to handle and I’ve avoided them and mistreated them enough.
I let them shout at me. I let Mum cry. I let Dad call me selfish… I sit and just let them because there’s no fight left in me and they are right. I am selfish. I haven’t done a single thing right recently. I left my daughter’s funeral to do drugs.
I didn’t get the proper medical care I needed while she was growing in my womb.
I deserve everything I get and more.
So when they’re done, I go to my room and stay there, checking emails and finding out when my exams are. I know they’re only around the corner and I know I’m going to pass, but beyond that I don’t know what I want anymore. It’s terrifying. Once upon a time I had it all figured out and now… now I just wish that I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning.
Tyler: I’m sorry about what happened with Dillan.
Leroy: Don’t be, that’s on me. I shouldn’t have enabled you.
Tyler: It was my decision. Just… don’t let me do it again, okay?
Leroy: I promise.
I place my phone on my bedside table and roll over in bed, sobbing until exhaustion claims me.
When I returned for my first A-Level exam, I half expected to walk into a room full of people that knew all of my secrets. It wasn’t like that at all. Nobody was whispering about me; nobody seemed to know at all. How our families managed to keep it so quiet is beyond me, or maybe people were just being polite.
By my final exam I’m so ready to leave and be done with it. I don’t have many friends anyway so drifting back into the background of the hustle and bustle is easy enough.
Even Dillan respects my distance to a certain extent, only approaching me after the exams and not before. He probably doesn’t want to stress me out. When he does approach me, however, he hardly speaks, only wishes me luck for my next one, offers me a ride home and kisses my cheek when I decline.
Everyone lied to me. They said the pain would fade the more time passed. It hasn’t. It isn’t.
I feel as though I’ve had no closure and that’s what is making it hard. How do you say goodbye to a person you love so entirely but haven’t met? How do you get over the injustice of them being taken away before they even took their first breath?
This is why I can’t be a midwife. Even if this pain does get easier, I don’t think I could live through this experience again, let alone every day for the rest of my life.
If I could take my womb out, I would. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I’ll never put myself through pregnancy and childbirth again.
Never.
I’ll never trust a boy with my best interests again, or with my body again.
Never.
From now on I can only rely on myself.
School is over and there’s no reason for me to stay.
I write my parents an apologetic note, pack what few things I need into a backpack, withdraw as much money as my bank will allow and slip out of my house in the middle of the night, leaving my SIM card behind.
There’s nothing left for me here but pain.
There’s no one left for me here that understands.
It’s time to go.
Dillan
“Are you sure she hasn’t called?” My dad asks, looking as worried as I feel. “You haven’t missed a private call?”
“She hasn’t called, Dad. She’s not with Leroy. She’s not at any of her relatives…”
“She doesn’t want to be found,” Mum says softly. “As awful as it is, I think we should just let her be.”
“Would you let me be if I did this?” I shouldn’t speak to her so poorly but I’m angry that she’s even considering giving up.
This is Tyler. My Tyler.
She’s everything to me; they know this. I’m not about to let her go.
“She’s in so much pain. What if she…?” I can’t finish the sentence because it hurts too much to think about, let alone say aloud. “She needs me.”
Dad squeezes my shoulder. “She needs time.”
“You don’t know her like I do. She holds herself to no worth.” I snarl, shrugging him off me and pacing back and forth. “She hates herself. She’ll find any excuse to hate herself even more and I know that she blames herself for losing Cayla. She’ll twist it and twist it until she finds some reason for why she’s not with us anymore.”
“And she’ll bring you down with her if you don’t take a step back.” Mum frowns and raises her hands defensively when I pierce her with a fiery glare. “I don’t mean that to be heartless but she’s gone for a reason, Dillan. You tried. You start university in just four weeks. She’s gone. Let her ruin her own life; don’t let her ruin yours.”
“Would you let Dad just walk away like this? Knowing he’s hurting?” She doesn’t answer so I add, “I thought not.”
“But your dad and I are married. We aren’t children.”
“I stopped being a bloody child the moment I had one, and married or not, I love her and I already abandoned her once to save face with you and our family. I’ll not make the same mistake.”
“Son,” my dad, with remorseful eyes, sighs deeply, “she’s in the wind. You wouldn’t even know where to start.”
He’s right. I know he’
s right. “So what do I do? Huh? The Police won’t do anything because she left a note. Her parents have given up; you two have given up; her brother hasn’t even been home to help, so he’s definitely already given up… it’s just me now. It’s just me. I can’t give up.”
“You’re not giving up by going to university and living your life.” Mum looks as though she wants to shake me. “It’s what she’d want and you know it.”
I turn away. I don’t want them to see me on the verge of tears. I feel weak and useless but what can I do?
“She’s given up on you, Dillan. It’s time to realise that.” Mum hits that final nail and I walk away to stop myself from losing my cool.
Dad follows me and I allow him to. So far he’s the only one that seems to understand.
“The love of your life got with your brother, fell pregnant with his child, hated you for so long and you didn’t give up,” I state quietly so mum doesn’t hear.
He raises a brow, his eyes sparkling with intrigue. “And?”
“Please help me, Dad. Help me find her.”
“Fine, but,” he places both hands on my shoulders, “you still have to go to university.”
“Okay.” I agree.
“I have your word?”
“Yes, I promise.”
He nods, seemingly appeased, but that small smile vanishes and his face becomes serious once more. “When we find her and she doesn’t want to come back, what will you do?”
“Convince her otherwise.”
“And if that doesn’t work?”
“It will.”
“But if it doesn’t?”
“She’s the love of my fucking life, dad. It will.”
He smirks and doesn’t berate me for my cursing. “I’ll go and make a few calls.”
“Dad,” I say when he reaches the doorway, “thank you.”
He winks and exits and I start packing for university. It’s as I’m folding my jeans and placing them into my case that my dad bursts back into my room unannounced.
“Looks like I won’t have to hire an investigator after all,” he grins.
“What?” I breathe, my hope soaring where there was none before. “She’s home?”
“No, your grandmother found her.”
My lips part. “What? How?”
“Grief counselling. Seems she attended the same group session.”
I blink and clear my throat. “See? It was meant to be.” I reach for my jacket, ready to go, but Dad stops me with a hand on my bicep. “Don’t stop me, Dad…”
“I’m not going to. Your grandmother said to bring the photos of Cayla.”
“She won’t look at them.”
He shrugs. “That’s what she said. I’ll text you the address.”
“Thank you.”
Tyler
“My name is Rebecca and I’m here because…”
The young girl’s voice trails off when I see Patricia Weston through the glass door, looking into the room and directly at me. I apologise, stand and leave, not yet having had my turn, not that I ever took it. She stops me the second I exit the room and doesn’t give me a choice but to follow her.
I sit on a leather couch in a psychiatrist’s office and watch as she boils the kettle, humming happily as she goes. I could easily have run but I’ve been raised to respect my elders and Patricia has this way about her. You just don’t disobey her, no matter what.
“I lost my son; that’s why I’m here,” she says suddenly as she hands me a drink and sits on the couch opposite.
“Dillan told me about Caleb.”
“I allowed my husband and father in law to abuse my other son for years. Unknowingly, but it happened…”
“Nathan?” My heart stops as I try to work out what she means by abuse. “I didn’t know that.”
“Not many do,” she admits and sips her drink. “Still to this day, sixteen years after finding out about the torture my son endured at the hands of a monster, I have nightmares.”
When I sip my drink, I gasp and splutter as it burns a path down my throat. “Whisky.”
“Hmm.” She smirks but her eyes twinkle with sorrow. “Every night I wake up covered in sweat, sometimes vomit…”
“I’m sorry Nathan went through whatever he went through.”
“Oh, so am I, every day of my life, and I deserve to suffer for it. Or at least… that’s what I thought.” We both sip our drinks and this time the burn doesn’t surprise me. I welcome it. “I was neglectful, spiteful, cruel.”
Why is she telling me this?
“I focused all of my attention on my sick child, forgetting I had a perfectly well child to love too. I abandoned him to a fate worse than death. Yet, I had no say in his upbringing and look at him. He’s a wonderful, handsome and strong man with a beautiful family. How does that happen? How does a man given such a disgustingly poor hand in life become such a loving and caring man?”
Her words affect me. My heart tingles with pain as I absorb the sorrow she’s putting out into the world. The solemn energy surrounds us both.
“I can’t take credit for any of it. For a long time after Nathan and Gwen accepted me into their lives and I discovered what had happened to my son, I hid.” She smiles sadly. “I didn’t want to poison my grandbabies. I was scared that with my input they’d be poisoned and grow up to be less than everything they could be.”
“But Dillan said…”
“That I practically raised him?” She smiles genuinely this time. “He’d be right. He always loved me that boy, so much. No matter how much I pushed him away. No matter how much I pushed them all away. They knew I blamed myself yet they didn’t give up on me and my son, my wonderful, handsome boy, forgave me.”
This has me smiling. It’s weak but I feel it. “That’s good, right?”
“Definitely, but I was still scared. I didn’t raise my kids. Nathan was raised by a monster and Caleb by doctors and nurses. But time went on and Dillan and Emily got older and even though I’d had a permanent place in Dillan’s life, look at him.” Her eyes shimmer with tears and she looks away. “If I can help to raise such a wonderful young man and such a strong and independent young woman, then I can’t be all bad, not anymore. I’d give my life for those kids. I’d give my life for my son, my daughter, Gwen.” She stops me from interrupting with a raise of her hand. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this. It’s not something I talk about or find easy to talk about.”
“I was curious.”
“I know what you’ve been through and though neither of us have had the same experience, we have lost a child and both of us lost a child that we hardly knew. I lost Caleb so suddenly, while he was with a woman I didn’t approve of, in some town miles from home. He hadn’t been interested in me in years, not really. Not when I chose his father over him, his abusive father…”
Now I knew that he was violent, but not to what extent. Dillan doesn’t talk about it much.
“But I know in my heart, just like Nathan has, Caleb would forgive me for all I’ve done. But what is the point in forgiveness of others if you can’t forgive yourself?”
She makes a valid point.
“That’s why I’m here. To stop the nightmares, to forgive myself.” She motions for me to drink and I do so, swallowing half of the contents of the cup. “Good girl, now it’s your turn.”
“My turn?”
“Yes, tell me your secrets. Let it all out.”
I don’t speak. I’m frozen in place. How do I spill all to his grandmother when I can’t even say it out loud to myself?
“And before you tell me it’s your fault you lost Cayla, let me remind you that my mother was a midwife and, factually and scientifically, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes these things just happen. Sometimes life is just cruel to innocent beings. Like Caleb, who spent a life in pain because of numerous tumours. Like Nathan who spent a life of pain because of a foul man. Like you, who is going to feel pain for a lifetime with no explanation as to why.”<
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“Life is crap. Seriously crap.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” She crosses her legs at the knees and sits up straight after placing her drink on the table between us. “It doesn’t have to be. You will be happy again one day, just like I am. Just like Nathan is…”
“Caleb and Cayla?”
“They’re happy somewhere, looking down on you ruining your life because you’re allowing your grief to consume you and to blind you.”
“Blind me?”
“Dillan is just like his father. He has the best parts of both of them and even though he made a huge mistake, he’ll pay for that for the rest of his life, just like you will. I have no doubt that he cherishes you dearly.” I look away until she adds, “He came to me for a loan to hire a private investigator to track you down. I refused. I don’t need to tell you how distraught my grandson is,” she says with a raised brow. “You’re not the only one who lost a child that day.”
“So why did you refuse?”
“Because I understood your need for time, but unfortunately your time is running out. You’re about to ruin your life and your prospects. You’re about to lose the trust of your family. You’re putting your parents through hell. You’re distracting my grandson to the point where he’d rather be out scouring the streets for you than focusing on his future.” She explains simply as though listing off baking ingredients and not my failing life. “I thought by now he’d have moved on. I thought by now you’d have come to terms with it all, but the fact you’ve been here twice now and neither of those times did you speak, I see you still have such a long way to go and you’ll never get there until you say goodbye.”
“I’ve said goodbye.”
“No you haven’t.” Dillan’s voice startles me. I turn on the couch and look at him over the back of it. Our eyes meet for the first time since our final exam two months ago. “Gran…”
“I’m going,” she says and stands. My jaw hits the floor when I realise that all of this was just a distraction to keep me here.
Dillan rounds the couch and sits on the arm, looking down at me as I fiddle with my fingers in my lap. “You didn’t even say goodbye to me.”