by A. E. Murphy
“I didn’t know how.”
“I bought you a coffee after your final exam and you smiled genuinely for the first time in weeks. I actually thought I was getting somewhere.” His grey eyes bore into me with so much hurt I can’t bring myself to look into them. I can barely harbour my own pain. If he pours any more into this jug of agony, I’m going to spill over and lose it. “Then you just vanished. You didn’t leave me a note, a text, an email… anything.”
“I didn’t know what to say to you.”
“Fucking look at me, Ty!”
I do, biting hard on my lower lip as he slides onto the couch cushions and takes my hands in his.
“You are breaking me.”
“I don’t mean to.”
“I know.” He tucks my hair behind my ear and cups my cheek with his hand. “I know you don’t.”
“I can’t do this.”
“I don’t care. You’re going to.” He places a large, white envelope on my lap. “We’re going to do this together.”
When I realise what exactly is in the envelope, my heart spasms painfully and my lungs constrict with panic. Dillan grips me tighter and pulls my forehead to his.
“No more saying no; you have to do this, Tyler.” He shakes me a little. “You have to. It’s time to let go.”
“If I see those photos, it’ll only make things worse.”
“Shit, Ty,” he laughs humourlessly, “it can’t get any bloody worse than this.”
“Please, don’t make me look at her.” I beg, tears stinging my cheeks as my hands grip his wrists, which he yanks free.
“I haven’t looked at her either since the day after she was born.” He admits. “We need to do this. For both of us. Okay?”
His hands shake as he carefully lifts the flap on the envelope and pulls out the contents. I look up at the patterned ceiling, hoping the light blinds me so I don’t have to endure this.
“Look,” he urges and forces me to hold an image in the palm of my hand. “Look, Tyler. Please, look at our daughter.”
I sob the second I see her tiny, almost translucent face. My tears blind me and I rush to push them out of the way.
“She really does look like she’s ready for a kiss,” I cry, touching the image directly below her pursed little lips.
Dillan pulls me into his arms and the photos fall to the ground and scatter. He buries his face in my hair and we both cry. Both of us tremble and shake.
She was perfect. She was so beautiful and she looked so much like him. I feel as though I’ve lost a piece of him, not just a piece of me, as though he’s got a portion of his soul missing and I can sense it.
“I know I was an arse, but I’d have been a good dad,” he says quietly into my neck. “I’d have done my best and my own dad would have sorted me out if I didn’t.”
“Don’t,” I beg, clinging to his shirt.
He pulls me onto his lap and we hold each other, the first photo resting on my thighs.
After a moment we pick it up again and then, after some effort, we gather up the rest and flick through them. When I come to one of Dillan holding her in his arms, in the white padded cuddle cot, staring at her with tears in his eyes but a smile on his face, I break down again.
I wasn’t there for this. There aren’t any pictures of me and my daughter together.
Or so I thought.
Dillan pulls a final one from the envelope after showing me the pictures of Cayla with our families. It’s of me, lying in bed, tubes coming out of me from all directions, monitors surrounding me. I’m on my side and there she is beside me, sleeping eternally, my little finger resting in the palm of her hand, and I imagine the feel of it there. I imagine her squeezing it like I’m her lifeline, which I suppose I was before she died.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper to her and to Dillan. “I’m sorry my body wasn’t enough for you.”
“One day we’ll try again. We’ll be married, successful, and we’ll give him or her the life they deserve, the home they deserve. I’ll build them their own tree house and bake them their birthday cakes every year. Together we’ll kiss every boo boo and every tear.” He says it softly, quietly and full of love and hope. “We weren’t ready for her yet. The world wasn’t ready for her yet.”
“I’m so sorry, Dillan.”
“Me too. I’ll always be sorry, until you forgive me and then some.”
“I forgive you.” I nuzzle my forehead against his chin. “I forgive you and I don’t expect you to stay with me because of what happened. I don’t want you to feel obligated.”
“Obligated? Ty… jeez… I love you. I’m not here out of obligation.” He forces me to look at him. “I’m here because you own my heart. All of it.”
“We’re just kids.”
“We stopped being kids the second you got pregnant. The second she was born. I’m not a kid. I know what I want. I want you and I know you want me too.”
“Every time I look at you…”
“You don’t think I get that? I see her too whenever I see you. It hurts; it really hurts. I feel like I died with her!” He kisses my lips and wipes my tears away with his thumbs. “We can get past this, okay? Together. Let me help you.”
Resolute and in need, I nod and hold him as tightly as he holds me when our lips meet. It’s brief but it’s powerful and I feel as though I could finally heal.
“For as long as I know you want me and need me, I’m here.” He says. “I’m here and I’ll love you every single second of every single day.”
“I’m sorry I ran to Leroy.”
He shushes me and kisses me again. “Fresh start now, Tyler. There’s only forward. Whatever happened between us is done. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Promise me you’ll never do that again.”
“I promise.”
He smiles and it’s genuine and happy. “Good. Then I’m definitely never letting you go.”
“I have this theory,” I say as I push open the door to my house and quickly hang up my work jacket in the dark hallway.
“Go on.” Dillan smiles; he’s always so interested in everything I say all the time, just as I am him. It’s nice to be with somebody who not only gets me, but also listens to me as though I’m the most interesting person he’s ever met.
“Well today at work there was this older man with…”
“SURPRISE!”
I scream when the cheer of multiple voices attacks my ears just as the lights come on in the large living room.
My heart hammers in my chest as I cling to Dillan’s arm for safety, who looks totally at ease with all of this.
“What on earth?”
My friends and family all stand around, beaming from ear to ear. I smile at them, perplexed as to why they’re all here as it’s not my birthday and I haven’t been promoted.
“What’s the occasion?” I ask, laughing as everyone rights themselves and Dillan nods at two of my work colleagues, whom I’ve grown close to over this past year. I swear I only left them two hours ago and they didn’t even hint about such an event.
They unroll a large banner and my eyes fill with tears when I realise what it says.
“Congratulations,” I read aloud, “on delivering your hundredth baby.” My fingers cover my lips and tears fill my eyes. “You’ve been counting?” I ask them.
“No, he has.” Emily laughs, coming forward to hug me and then turning me to my favourite person in the world.
Even I haven’t been counting since I started midwifery training.
I have to look down to find him, on his knee, on the ground, looking up at me with a cheeky grin on his face. A blue velvet box rests on the palm of his hand.
My jaw falls open.
“What are you doing?” I hiss, giggling uncontrollably. “Oh lord, please get up.”
He ignores me. “Future Mrs Dillan Weston…”
“He’s sure of himself,” Ashlyn, his younger sister, comments making the crowd laugh.
“Love of my lif
e,” he continues, ignoring them and holding my gaze as though I’m the only one here, which I’m not.
“Please get up,” I hiss, trying to stifle my painfully broad smile. “This is mortifying.”
“Will you do me the honour of wearing this ring, even though I already know that you’re going to say yes? It’s just so you have something huge and sparkly to ward off all of those attractive doctors that you now work with.”
“How you doing?” My co-worker and doctor friend, Mitchell, calls out, eliciting even more laughter.
“I’m not sure you’ll live long enough to see it on my finger if you don’t stand up now.” I laugh, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and yanking him up to me.
“That’s a yes, people,” he calls and the room erupts in cheers. “A sarcastic yes but a definite yes nonetheless.”
“Please shut up.”
He wraps his arms around my waist and spins me in a circle before dipping me and kissing me.
“Dillan, our parents are right there,” I snap, shoving him away from me and straightening my work scrubs.
He’s not offended. He’s done this on purpose to make a scene. He knows how I hate being the centre of attention so he’s constantly doing things to embarrass me. This time I approve though, especially as he slips the ring onto my finger. It’s beautiful and the stones form the letter D because that’s just how annoying he is. I love it. I later find out that Emily helped him design it and then made it herself, so it’s extra special to me.
“You’re an arse.”
“I am,” he agrees, kissing the space above my ring and then kissing my lips. “Sorry it took me so long. I’ve been waiting for this moment since the day you graduated with your nursing.”
“I was genuinely going to ask you myself like next week anyway.”
“Like really?” He mocks my words so I slap his chest.
“Yes. I was getting tired of waiting and I’m not going to be this young and beautiful for much longer. If I’m ever going to marry, I want it to be when I actually look good in a dress.”
“Mrs Dillan Weston, you’ll always look good in a dress… or naked… I prefer the latter.”
“Okay guys, stop whispering. It’s time to play some party games.” Gwen grins, pushing herself between us.
“Pin the cord on the baby?” I burst into laughter. “That’s totally barbaric but I love it.” I’m the first to be blindfolded and then kissed on the lips after each full turn. Dillan is a knob like that. He loves to tease me when everyone is looking.
Sigh.
Everyone is having a great time as I look around the room once my turn is over.
So much so that I decide to make my own announcement. I was going to leave it for a little while longer due to fear, but I’ve decided that there’s no point in being scared anymore.
I have everything and everyone that I want in my life. I’ve experienced pain like no other, joy like no other, love like no other and now it’s time to give a little back to the world.
“You really do listen to everything I say, don’t you?” I smile at my husband to be. “Has it genuinely been one hundred?”
“Give or take a few.” He smiles and pulls me into his arms. “You’re not very good at pinning their cords on, though. Pretty sure that’s the nose you got.”
“Shut it.” I tilt my head back to ask for a kiss, which he gives me promptly. “I kind of wish I’d been keeping count of how many people’s lives you’ve changed.”
“Helping people reach a goal is hardly equal to bringing life into the world.”
“It’s still amazing, Dillan.” I smile. “I’m so proud of you. Also… I have my own surprise for you.”
“Oh you do?” He pretends to look down my top for a new set of underwear. He loves that kind of surprise.
“Just promise me that no matter how fat or grumpy I get, you’ll love me through it.”
“What are you talking about?” He laughs nervously.
“Because I will get fat and grumpy and I really will need you to love me.”
His smile vanishes. “Ty… what are you talking about?”
“I think you already know,” I say and press his hand against my slightly swollen stomach.
His breath stutters as he stares down at his hand on my midriff. His eyes fill with wonder and tears, just like mine did when that little plus sign appeared on the test I took not long ago. “Really? You’re sure?”
“Positive.”
He laughs breathily and kisses me like there’s nobody else in the room. “Christ… I love you so much, Tyler.”
“Right back at you, future Mrs Tyler Weston.”
“Mrs?”
I grin and nudge his nose with my own. “This time we’re going to do it right.”
“Definitely. But I thought you wanted to wait until after we got married?”
“You were taking too long to ask.”
He frowns playfully. “I didn’t want to rush you!”
“What are you two whispering about?” Nathan asks, stepping into our bubble. “Is she calling it off already?”
Dillan, his eyes still on mine, replies, “Definitely not. I’m far too handsome.”
“And disgustingly up yourself.” Emily laughs, joining our bubble. “Maybe you could let your future Mrs Dillan Weston go so we can celebrate her success together?”
“Not a chance,” Dillan replies, smiling at me with so much love and warmth in his eyes. “I’m not letting her go for the rest of my life.” Then he adds, “Especially not while she’s carrying precious cargo.”
“Holy shit!” Emily shrieks. “You’re pregnant?”
“Well… that didn’t stay secret for long,” I laugh and kiss my fiancé again. “This is going to be an interesting adventure.”
“Hell yes!” Dillan grins. “It’s going to be amazing.”
A huge thank you to Zean Maskell, not only for helping to edit Dillan, but also for being such a constant presence in my writing journey. I hope my writing never lets you down as you have never let me down. You nor William. It was a pleasure to meet you both officially in Newcastle.
Sloane Murphy, your books, your words, you as a person, you inspire me and I love you. Thank you for my amazing covers, thank you for keeping me in the loop and thank you for remembering important stuff that I always forget.
To my daughter Alyssia, I hope one day you’ll see this and know how grateful I have always been and will always continue to be for everything you do. You are one of a kind. Such a kind, sweet little soul, so helpful and considerate. I love you.
Aydin, my strapping lad, you light up my life with your handsome smile and your cheeky attitude. You’re not only my little hero but the hero to your sisters also.
To Samantha Heaney, thank you for making me sparkle… for three weeks straight. Now whenever I see glitter I’ll be forever
reminded of Newcastle and you painting my forearm and my leprechaun. You were an amazing assistant, I was lucky to have you.
Adriana Rizak-Healing, you got up so early for me, it must be love. You’re amazing, Nathan will always be yours.
Addi Whillock, you have been my rock this year. Thank you.
I'm now 26 and I’ve been writing since I could hold a pen in my hand! I love to write, it’s my passion, and I never stop. In fact I love to write so much I have started over one hundred and fifty different books before finally completing my first ever novel 'A Little Bit of Crazy' which I published in May 2013 on Amazon for Kindle. I was grateful when I received feedback as it helps me be a better writer.
When I'm not writing, I love spending time with my family and when I get some spare time (not easy with young children!) it’s either reading or listening to music. You won’t find me without a book or my Kindle in my hand. I read whilst I’m cooking, cleaning, talking, walking… you could say reading is my other passion!
Thank you for taking the time to read my book. I appreciate any kind of feedback be it good or bad. This has been a huge
learning curve for me and I'm happy to receive any advice/criticism...praise? That you wish to provide. Don’t be shy.
Thank you, Love Alex
To get in touch with me please use the following
[email protected]
The Little Bits Series
A Little Bit of Crazy
A Little Bit of Us
A Little Bit of Trouble
A Little Bit of Truth
The Broken Series
Broken
Connected
Forever
A Broken Story
Disconnected
The Distraction Trilogy
Distraction
Destruction
Distinction
Standalone Novels
Masked Definitions