My oldest brother is, six foot tall, built like Ryder, all muscle and Mr. Badass ripples off him. Harrison completed a four year stint in the Marines, when he was done, he settled down in South Carolina working construction for a friend of ours. Unlike Ryder, Harrison’s tattoos don’t peek out of his shirt, they scream, in your face boldly. He has a back piece, forearms, and biceps, even the back of his neck, his calves, his ribs, and his chest. After getting out he rebelled a bit and grew his black hair out. Harrison has dark almost black eyes and a serious face that can scare you with just a glance.
He showed up, conveniently as Dad and Brayden were out in the garage, and took Brayden off for a ride in his 1977 Smokey and The Bandit Special edition Pontiac Trans Am. I don’t know what was said in that car ride, but when they returned Brayden looked frazzled.
Harrison was smiling and just said, “No, sis, we are not going to be friends, but for now he is okay for you to date. Mark my words he screws up by even picking you up late; tell him to hit the road Jack. You got me?”
“Yes, Harry, I got you, but whatever.” I replied, knowing just how much my big bro wished he was named Cory and detested being called Harry.
He preferred just to be called by our last name, but I never have and never will use that. He and I have always been super close.
When I was little and would have a bad dream, he would be the one to wake up and come tell me it was just a dream, go back to sleep. When I was in high school, he was already gone off in the military, but when he was home on leave, he would pick me and Dina up just to scare the boys. I know he takes his role as big brother seriously. I dread telling him what a mess I am in, but I have to. Plus, he and Dina are tight so if I don’t she will.
Brayden
Well, it’s all out there now and they have all left without a single word. Damn it, I am so screwed. They have all turned their backs on me. Did I really expect anything different?
Dina is on such a high horse over this accident. I get it, her parents are dead, but she is not the only one who has lost a family member. She is not the only one that feels loss and sadness.
Rehab can’t bring Bianca back, rehab can’t bring me back. Now, I have this lawyer all over my ass, just great. I tried to tell her, I am a lost cause, this is hopeless. This Wendy chick, wasn’t listening, just telling me to shut up and do as she says. She needs a man to put her over his knee and teach her when to chill out. Simmer down now, simmer down. Damn, she is going to get on my last nerve.
My phone rings, I cringe when I see the number, but I answer. “What mom?”
She sighs, “Well, obviously you are alive; I got a call from some hospital a few days ago about you being in an accident, something with contacting next of kin. Just wondering if you were alive or finally dead? Since you picked up the phone I have my answer.”
Before I could say anything else she was gone. Damn it, I need an escape and I am stuck in a hospital.
They release me and I take a cab to the shop, having nowhere else to go. Ryder is there, almost like he is waiting on me. Without even a hello, he starts.
“You going to get your shit straight now, man,” he asked.
Sarcastically I respond, “Not much of a choice with that shark your woman has set on me.”
Then I see a flash of something, regret, remorse, forgiveness, I don’t know exactly. He stands there just shaking his head for a bit.
“Bray, talk to me, talk to someone, face whatever is haunting you, get clean man. You are good people Brayden, you just screw up a hell of a lot because of the drugs though not you. Get clean and it all will get better, bro.”
Ryder, he just thinks it’s so simple, oh just get clean Bray. He doesn’t have to look in the mirror every day and see Bianca staring back at him.
Maggie
Thursday arrives; Dina and I are packed to head to her beach house. I have not spoken with Brayden since the hospital. He has text me multiple times. I don’t know what to say to him.
Dina’s lawyer, Wendy, has stepped in to represent Brayden for his DUI charges. She has also arranged for him to go to an eight week treatment facility in Arizona. He leaves on Tuesday for that. In the four years we have been together, I have never gone more than a week without seeing him, so I don’t know how I feel about all of this. I know he needs to go to rehab and get clean, I just don’t know how I didn’t recognize that he was even using. Am I that naïve and blind?
The insurance company totaled out my car, I have a nice check, but can’t decide what I want next. Dina, of course, offers daily to take me car shopping, but I am just not in the mood. Honestly, Dina would rather go look at cars than shoes and has always been like that. She is the chick that proudly pumps her own gas, changes the oil in car, and knows how to change a tire, all without the aid or influence of a man.
When we were sixteen, our dads who were friends, made us take Dina’s 1986 Camaro out in the driveway and change the tire. They also taught us to carry a small hammer in our purses on dates. We knew just how to tap a starter on a car with that hammer, we knew how to jump a cars battery, and our dads always handed a full gas can to our dates when we would go out. There would be no getting stranded with a boy in a car for the two of us. And, boy the one time I was late for my curfew, my dad went to Dina’s house to get her dad. The two dads took their Harley’s out and went to find me. Needless to say, that was the last date I ever had with that Landon kid. I just learned the stuff because I had to, Dina, on the other hand, has always had a passion for cars. In high school and college she could always talk shop with the boys, I think she may have even known more than some of them.
I think that is why she and Ryder are such a fit; they both share such a passion for old American muscle. When we graduated college, Dina took me to the Chevy dealership and had picked out a really nice new car for me. I know her heart sank when I couldn’t get comfortable driving it. Much to my dad’s disappointment I have always liked foreign cars. Dina, seeing the fear in my eyes for the Chevy, instead looked at me and said, pick out whatever car you want for college graduation. They had an Audi dealership next door and an A4 with my name all over it. Now that baby that called out to me is gone. I can’t even think of driving anything else.
We get everything loaded in Dina’s mustang, ready to be on the coast with our toes in the sand. Dina stops by the garage to say goodbye to Ryder. Brayden is there and he looks dreadful. He is pale, has lost weight, his eyes look sunken in. Ryder was telling the truth about the withdrawals taking their toll on him. He looks lost and completely disheveled.
He is approaching the car, so I decide to get out and meet him. I put hands up so he knows not to hug me. I don’t know how I feel about everything you and I don’t want to have a moment of weakness causing me to melt into him.
“Hey, Maggie,” He says and I can sense the trepidation in his voice, “I know you need time to sort through the mess I have made for both of us. It’s just I Ieave Tuesday for rehab and I really would like to talk to you. Just think on this, don’t answer me right now. What if I come to the coast with Ryder tomorrow night? I need to face you and your family for my mistakes. We can talk, clear the air, and see what to do next. I love you, Maggie. Just think about it. If you decide I can come just text me later so I know whether to pack or not.”
Then he just walks off, leaving me confused. Part of me wants him at the beach house the comfort of what I know with him. The other part of me says here is my middle finger, asshole, and move on.
Dina comes back to the car and we both climb in. We spend the five hour drive to beach house in deep discussion of the pros and cons to continuing my relationship with Brayden. Even after that conversation, I still don’t know what to do. I decide to text him, that yes we need to talk. I leave it at that not telling him to come to the beach but not denying his request. I need to talk with Dina about it but right now I want to see my parents.
Brayden
What was I thinking to intrude on her weekend plans? She is going
away because of me and yet the selfish bastard I am I ask her to let me come. Well, I put it out there, now I guess I will wait to see what she decides.
Ryder has been supportive since I got out of the hospital. He has not given me a moment alone. I know this is so I don’t have an opportunity to get high. I am thankful for his friendship. He has never seen this side of me, by the time we met and became friends in college I was getting clean from my high school drug use, determined to make something of my life. Ryder has never asked me about my family and I make it a point not to question his so he won’t get curious. I haven’t even talked to Maggie about Bianca. Val is the only one that knows.
I know Ryder is concerned about going away this weekend and leaving me behind. There is good reason to be, I don’t know that I can resist and stay clean with Maggie and him gone. I leave for rehab Tuesday and I am pretty ticked off about some of it. The withdrawals already have begun. It’s been awful. I’ve become quite acquainted with the bathroom floor having spent so much time there.
Having to walk away from everyone and everything for eight weeks so that I can be sick from long term withdrawal and psychoanalyzed, that’s just what I’ve always wanted to do. I don’t have flipping daddy issues I have a ghost chasing me. You can’t escape ghosts no matter what you try, that I know for sure. Rehab won’t cure my chemical dependency. And I don’t want to give up my crutch without having my life back in order. My life won’t be in order without my crutch and with my crutch it’s still falling apart. I’m stuck on the hamster wheel called addiction.
Maggie and I haven’t spoken about anything really. There is so much I need to say. I see Dina walk in which most likely means Maggie is outside.
Maggie
We are all settled in at the beach. It’s always a set of mixed emotions being here. Dina and I have some great memories here but a lot of those remembrances include her parents.
I told Brayden that yes I would like him to come. I still don’t know what I want in my future with him, but the thought of him being left back in Charlotte without Ryder concerns me. Ryder hasn’t given Brayden a whole lot of space trying to keep him clean.
Friday is here, Dina and I are out on the beach taking in the peace and tranquility of the ocean waves gently rolling onto the shore. We both sit silently for a while just lost in our own thoughts.
Dina starts to speak, her voice trembling form holding back the tears, “Maggie, what are you going to do about Brayden? This is so awkward for me. I want him to get clean whether you two stay together or not. After so much deception I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes. What are you feeling, sweetie?”
So glad she brought him up, I respond, “Dina, I don’t know what the future holds for him and me. He leaves for rehab Tuesday.” I pause before continuing. “Dina, please don’t be mad at me, Brayden asked to come here with Ryder. I told him to come. I need to sort things out with him. I also, didn’t want him to have an opportunity to go get high again before rehab. He said he wants to talk with me but also face everyone including my dad about his mistakes.”
I never expected the reaction I got from Dina. She looks at me with cold, harsh eyes, as she said, “You really want him here? Fine, but it’s on you, he is not welcome to stay in my parents’ house. I want him clean and sober, but I’ll be damned if he is going to rest his sorry ass comfortably in my parents’ house. They are gone, never to come back because of an irresponsible asshole like him. There is no difference between him and the man that killed my parents to me. Do you understand that? I want you happy, Maggie, I really do, but I am struggling with Brayden. Wanting him to get clean is one thing; welcoming him with open arms to my house is another completely.”
I start crying, never having seen such bitterness come off my best friend. “Dina, I understand, he will be staying at my parents’ house with Harrison and Tiffany. I wish things were different. I don’t know what I am going to do, but after four years I can’t just turn my back on him.”
“Maggie, I understand that. I’m sorry I’m being a total bitch. But I need you to know where I am coming from. When Ryder and I were concerned that I might be pregnant, I thought about a lot of things. If I had been pregnant, my mom isn’t here to talk to about it. Ryder loves me, I love him, but my parents don’t get to see that. If Ryder proposes, my dad is gone, he can’t ask for my hand in marriage, my mom won’t be able to go dress shopping with me, at the wedding the bride’s side would be empty of family except yours. Do you know the level of emptiness that leaves? It is an emptiness that wouldn’t exist if the asshole wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel of that truck, or wouldn’t have taken even that first drink. Brayden has to get clean. Imagine if he had hit another car instead of a concrete wall, he could have killed someone else’s parents or kids or siblings. He needs to overcome his addiction and then rebuild his life before you two really can be back together. He has lost everything by his own doing. He has cost you, a car, a house, your savings, your trust, and your security, all for the sake of his selfish high. Just think on that Maggie when the time comes to talk to him.”
She is sobbing; I can feel the heartbreak just this conversation has stirred in her. “Dina, I am sorry this is so in your face. I just don’t know what to do. I love him, I just want him clean and for both of us to be happy.”
She stands, dusting the sand off of her, “I am going back to the house, and you do what you need to where Brayden is concerned. I can’t bring myself to see or speak to him right now. When he is clean and sober then he can face me. I will be in my room waiting for Ryder to come. I love you, Maggie. Take time to figure out what it is you want in life and in a relationship whether it be with Bray or not.”
With that she walks off leaving me alone on the beach with just my thoughts, the smell of the salt from the sea and the noise of the oceans rhythm. What is it that I really want out of life?
Brayden
Maggie text for Ryder to drop me off at her parent’s house that Dina is still coming to terms with everything. Oh the drama, I get it, I screwed up royally, but is this really that serious. I guess to her it is.
We arrive at the coast. Her dad, Harold, is waiting for me on the front porch. He greets Ryder first.
“Hello, son, good to see you again. You heading to Dina’s now?”
Ryder shook his hand and answered, “Yes, sir, I just wanted to drop Brayden off and say hello to you and Mrs. Lawson real quick first.”
“Marguerite and Maggie are both inside, Dina is at her house. Harrison will be in late tonight and wants to have lunch with us tomorrow if you are available.” Mr. Lawson states still speaking to Ryder.
“Yes, that sounds good, Dina says I need to try that restaurant with the bar inside that has those honey croissants she loves so much, let’s go there say noon?” Ryder said smiling.
They confirm the plans and with that Ryder goes inside to see Mrs. Lawson.
“Brayden, lets chat for a few before you go see Maggie.” He said, leading me to his back shop.
“Mr. Lawson, sir.” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“Brayden, you and Maggie have spent four years together; I am Harold to you, not Mr. Lawson.” He smiles a genuine smile.
I relax and begin again, “I am sorry for the mess I have gotten your daughter into. I really do love her. I am just messed up right now. I have had it under control before and will again, I promise you that.”
He looks at me and stays silent for a while. He went to his shop refrigerator and pulls out two beers. He hands me one, ice cold Miller Light. We both lean against countertops on either side of the space.
“Brayden, are you getting clean for yourself or for Maggie?” He asks me.
“Maggie, of course, I would do anything for her. I am not worth fixing myself but to have Maggie secure and happy again, I will gladly fix this mess and get clean.” I reply.
“Wrong answer son. I know you love my daughter, I know she loves you. Drug addictions aren’t about loving someone; it�
��s about running from something. What are you trying so desperately to escape that you are risking your life with every high?” He asks firmly.
I share my entire past with him. Realizing I have never been this open with anyone. He sits quietly for a while.
“Brayden, rehab will help you sort through all of this. You are not responsible for what other people do; you cannot control anyone but yourself and your reactions to others. With that, with what happened to Bianca was not your fault regardless of what anyone else has ever told you. Do you understand that?”
I stutter, “I can understand why you think that but it’s a fact and bottom line it should have been me not her.”
He shakes his head, “I hope in time you can view this all differently. You are of value, son, and I for one and thankful it wasn’t you all those years ago. I know Maggie, if she knew would also agree. I will respect your wishes for now and not share this with Maggie. You have to get clean, get back on track, and find your own way tell her. You are carrying a burden much too big for one man alone. We all love you. You are part of this family son and we will all help you anyway we can.”
“What am I going to do if it’s too late and I have already lost Maggie?” I ask before I can stop myself.
“I will tell you like I told her, there will be times where your heart says give it your all, but your head doesn’t want to be vulnerable. There are times where your head needs to be right to give you strength to fix yourself and get by. Only you will know in time what the best resolution is. Until you are off the drugs, you can’t make any firm, long term decisions because they will be clouded in the haze.”
We both remain quiet for a few moments, and then he continues. “I want to see you succeed, I want to see you and Maggie happy once again. As long as you are clean whether you and Mags are together or not, I will help you, I will listen, I will encourage you. Mark my words, Brayden, if you don’t get off the dope, I will not support your efforts with Maggie. You will learn the other side to this dad and his love for his daughter, we clear?”
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