by Amy Daws
“Well, you have options, Leslie. If this is an unwanted pregnancy, you do have choices, but not for long.”
“I don’t want to talk about choices,” I clip out, feeling even sicker at that idea. “I haven’t been very healthy though. I’m sure I’ve drank alcohol since this happened—not a ton—but some. I’m not on any vitamins. I’m not doing anything good for myself!” My voice is starting to shriek.
She smiles kindly. “Are you a heavy drinker?”
“No,” I shake my head firmly. Honestly, I haven’t been drinking much at all since I started sleeping with Theo, so maybe I’m okay.
“Okay, don’t worry. This happens a lot. You don’t share a blood supply with the baby until around six weeks pregnant, so any alcohol or drug use really won’t have an effect. Obviously that needs to stop now though. And I need to see you back here in two weeks for an ultrasound to determine fetal age. But I’m guessing you’re at least eight weeks along.”
Two months? “I’ve only been with him for that long,” I reply flatly.
“Is he a good guy?”
“How do we ever really know?” I ask, feeling that ill feeling roll over me again. It was easy to accept Theo’s love when it was just for me. Now I have to have him love a baby too?
“I suggest you take your China trip as time to think about this and decide how you feel about it before you tell him. But that’s from one woman to another, not a medical professional to her patient.”
I nod through a few more basic pregnancy instructions and the nurse comes in to give me a sample pack of vitamins so I don’t have to go to the drugstore before my flight leaves.
I ride the Tube back to the office—my mind whirling constantly with all the new information. God, I’m twenty-six years old! I’m too young to have children. I didn’t even think I wanted children at all, and now this! And oh my God, Finley! All she wants is babies, and she can’t even have them. I watched her whole world crumble last year over this. And now I have an accidental pregnancy. This could ruin our friendship. Completely and utterly ruin it. I could lose everything all at once. Theo. Finley. Would Frank let me still live with him if I have a baby? Oh my God, my life has just been completely unhinged.
I step off the Tube and head toward my office, feeling completely overwhelmed at the idea of facing Theo. He’s supposed to pick me up soon at my office to take me to the airport. How am I going to act around him? How will I be able to hide this from him? Maybe I can talk him out of giving me a ride.
I stand outside the fire exit at my office and pull my phone out. My hands are shaking like crazy.
“Lez! What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on your way to China!” Vilma calls down through the window.
“My flight doesn’t leave for three hours, Vilma. Can I get some privacy please?”
“Christ! What’s eating you?” she says and disappears back inside. I cringe at her reaction, feeling like an utter bitch, but not willing to take any of it back.
I click call on Theo’s name and he picks up after two rings.
“Are you calling for an early pickup?” he drawls in a husky tone.
“Huh? What?” I ask, taken off guard.
He chuckles softly. “I thought maybe you were going to duck out of work early to surprise me so we could have a little rendezvous before I take you to the airport,” he croons into the phone.
“God, is sex all you think about?” I snap.
“No, ‘course not. It was just a joke. What’s got your lack of panties in such a bunch?”
“Nothing, Theo. I just…I don’t need a ride to the airport anymore.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, his tone clearly annoyed.
“I’m taking the Tube. It’ll be faster not dealing with the traffic.”
“Alright, then I’ll come to your office and ride the Tube over there with you.”
“That doesn’t make any damn sense, Theo. I’ll just see you when I get back.”
“Leslie.”
“What?”
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing…I just…this…this…Theo!” I flail my hands in the air dramatically. “It’s…it’s all just horribly unnecessary.”
“What exactly are you referring to? You’re going to have to be more specific.”
“I’m feeling smothered, alright? We’re together every night. You can’t even let me take myself to the airport? I used to do this stuff all by myself once upon a time you know. I didn’t need you to do all this for me!”
“Smothered.” The line is eerily quiet. “Right then. Well, I wouldn’t want you to feel smothered. Enjoy your trip.”
“Theo…” I start, but he hangs up and I pant heavily at the sensation of being hung up on. My hand flies to my mouth and I quickly dash into my office, running to the bathroom, effectively emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
Perfect timing.
***
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
It’s nearly midnight when I land in Hong Kong and I feel exhausted. I take an airport shuttle straight to my hotel. As soon as I get into my room, I drop my bags on the floor, strip down naked, crawl into the large, king-sized bed, and cry like I’ve never cried before. I’ve been holding in my shit for as long as possible and I can’t hold it in a second more.
***
The morning light streams in brightly through the wide-open hotel windows. I never even closed the damn curtains when I came in last night. That’s how delirious I was. My face feels tight and dry from crying myself to sleep, and my mouth is parched as hell.
I wrap myself in the sheet and mosey over to the window looking down the huge skyscraper building. Hong Kong is up and moving, already busily going about their business without a care in the world. And here I am…pregnant and alone.
Pregnant. How? How can I be pregnant? I don’t even feel any different. Aside from puking yesterday, I haven’t noticed a thing. Maybe my breasts have been tenderer—but I thought that was because my period was coming.
I touch my stomach to see if I feel anything different, a sob erupts out of nowhere. How can this be happening? What if this is all too much for Theo? Could I do it on my own? Or worse, what if he’s a terrible father, like mine?
After blowing my nose and wiping my fresh tears, I decide there’s no way I can work today, feeling like I’m feeling right now. Our Hong Kong office gal and interpreter, Midge, would think I was mental coming in looking like I do. I don’t have to head to the factories until later this week, so today shouldn’t be an issue.
I find my phone inside my purse and power it up, realizing I never even turned it back on after the flight yesterday. As the boot up completes, a slew of notifications start pinging over and over and over. They are all from Theo, wondering if I got here safely. They start off innocent enough and then turn into panicked and worried. I pull up his contact and connect the call immediately.
“Leslie!” Theo cries into the phone. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I forgot to turn my phone back on after the flight and I fell asleep in my hotel room.”
“Christ, Leslie!” he admonishes. “Do you know how worried I’ve been?”
“I’m fine. Why were you so worried?”
“You tell me I’m smothering you and then run away to a foreign country. I’m fucking…right here, mate.”
“What are you doing?” I ask, wondering who he’s talking to.
“I’m here.”
“Here where?”
“Outside your hotel.”
My stomach drops. “You’re in Hong Kong? Theo! Why?”
“Millimeters, Leslie.”
“Flying to bloody Hong Kong is a lot more than chasing me around London, Theo.”
“Look, I just need to see you. I can’t explain it Leslie, but I need to see you and then if you really want space…” he pauses momentarily, breathing heavily into the phone, “I’ll give it to you.”
I say nothing.
“Please, Leslie.”
“I’m in room 2720.”
“I’m in the elevator.”
A moment later I’ve pulled on a tank and shorts and have just finished brushing my teeth when I hear a knock at my door. I look briefly at my stomach in the mirror and still can’t see anything. I sigh heavily and open it.
Without a word, Theo barrels in the door, crashing into me and pressing me against the wall—assaulting my lips with his. I fight it at first, trying to turn away, but I can already feel my arousal building as his firm, rippled body presses into mine.
“Leslie,” he cries, sounding pained. He kisses me again and when I still don’t respond as passionately, he hooks his finger into my mouth and lets it linger. Instinctively, my lips close around the girth of his digit and I suck. Hard. Both of our eyes flash in heady desire and we slam our lips together in a wanton, bruising kiss. He breaks the kiss and moves down my neck to my collarbone and shoulder.
“Theo!” I cry as he quickly slips his hand down my shorts and inside of me, feverishly working me into a hard and fast frenzy. His other hand is wrapped tightly around my waist, holding me close to him so I can feel every inch of his excitement along my side.
“You can’t run from me, Leslie. I love you. Please.” His voice is coarse and mournful. It tears through my shield and clamps tightly around my heart.
“I love you too,” I cry, and tears fly out of my eyes. I grab his face and connect our lips again so he can’t see me crying. They stream down my cheeks and intermingle between our lips, tasting salty and sad. He pulls away from me, looking desolate.
“Please, Leslie, what is it? What’s happened?”
I shake my head, “Just make love to me, Theo. Please?” His eyes rove over my face, searching for answers that I’m not ready to give him. He relents and pulls my tank over my head, gazing ardently down at my bare chest. He bends over and takes one of my nipples into his mouth and I cry out loudly. They are so sensitive. This is…this is too much!
“Theo,” I say, tipping over the edge in less than ten seconds. He looks up at me just as shocked as I am that I just came off of nipple stimulation alone. I aggressively grab the hem of his t-shirt and yank it up over his head. My eyes and hands feast on every perfectly sculpted muscle on his chest and abdomen.
He wraps his arms low on my waist and lifts me up so his face is nestled between my breasts as he carries me over to the bed. He lays me down gently on my back and grabs my shorts and slips them down my legs, then moves to push his jeans down.
He slowly spreads my legs open and crawls up to rest between them, all the while gazing into my eyes—reverently, but with glimpses of pain.
“Leslie, I thought we were past the running stage,” he groans, running his nose along my neck and jaw.
I shake my head, unwilling to reply to that and trying desperately to focus solely on my raging arousal.
“I’ve told you I love you. I know you love me. I can’t have you running from me whenever something spooks you.” He slowly pushes himself into me, inch by glorious inch, not giving me his full length.
“You have to tell me what it is so I can help you, Leslie. We can work through things better together.” Finally he pushes all the way in and I let out a high-pitched groan of delight at the feverish ecstasy of him so deep inside of me.
“Please, Theo,” I say, wrapping my legs around his hips and urging him to move inside of me. He continues staring at me, obviously relishing at my discomfort and the control he has in this moment.
“Promise you won’t push me away, Leslie.”
“Okay,” I gasp as he wriggles his hips ever so slightly.
“I need to hear you say it.”
“I won’t push you away.”
“And you won’t run.”
“I won’t run, Theo!” I snap at him. “You’re probably going to be the one to run from me anyhow.”
He looks completely taken off guard. “Leslie, don’t you know anything? I’ll never run from you. I’ll fight for you…forever. I’ve never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you. I want to love you forever.”
“Forever is a long time, Theo. You’ll get tired of me.” My chin wobbles at that thought.
“Dammit, Leslie!” he barks incredulously. “Stop saying that! I’ll never tire of you! I want to marry you!”
My chin stills.
“You…you want to…” I feel stunned and overwhelmed and too scared to say the word aloud.
“Yes, I want to marry you. But this was not how I planned on asking you.” He looks down between us incredulously. “I’m fucking balls deep here, Lez!”
A manic giggle escapes from somewhere deep inside all of my pain and insecurities and Theo’s eyes soften at the sound. He sighs heavily, resting his forehead against mine. “I love you,” he whispers against my lips.
“I love you more,” I whisper, feeling another tear slip down my temple.
“No bloody way.” And with that he begins rocking into me at a feverish pace that has both of us reaching our climax together.
***
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
“I need to tell you something,” I say as Theo comes strolling out of the bathroom in nothing but his white boxer briefs and glasses.
God, those fucking glasses.
“Okay,” he says, looking seriously at me like he was expecting this.
“Okay,” I repeat, sitting up and propping my back against the headboard, my legs folding up against my chest. For some reason balling myself up and squeezing my legs to my chest makes breathing easier.
“You said you wanted to marry me,” I start and stop as Theo blanches.
“Leslie. I didn’t mean to say that just then.” He sits down on the bed, reaching for me and I pull away from his touch. “I just…you got me so frazzled and nervous. You ran off to Hong Kong without a care for my feelings and I felt panicky.”
“So you didn’t mean it?”
“Christ, no! I meant every bloody word!”
“What? Theo, you’re confusing the shit out of me.”
“I meant everything. I do want to marry you, Leslie. But you deserve so much more than that for a proposal. You deserve the world. You deserve a fucking helicopter ride, or a hot air balloon proposal, or a sign on a plane in the sky.”
“I guess now would be a good time to tell you I’m afraid of heights.”
He chuckles softly and reaches for my hand again and I let him take it this time.
“I just mean I want our life to be perfect. You deserve perfect, Leslie.”
“What if it’s not perfect?” I ask, biting my lip and pulling my hand out of his to rub my shins nervously.
He swallows hard, looking gravely into my eyes. “I mean, I guess if you look at my family you can see that I obviously know how to handle the imperfect. The point is I want to give you everything.”
“Kids?”
“Kids?” He looks off to the side confused and dismissive. “Yeah, I’d love to have babies with you, Leslie. You’d make a great mum.”
“You really think so?” I ask, my voice thick with emotion.
“I don’t think, Leslie. I know. You have the biggest heart. Christ, I’ve loved you from nearly the first moment I saw you. I didn’t believe in that kind of love until you came into my life. If we have children, they won’t stand a chance and neither will I.”
“Theo,” I cry, losing my control entirely. I lunge into his arms and hug him hard, crying like I cried last night. His body is firm and rigid, radiating anxiety.
“Leslie, please. This is killing me,” he whispers, slowly stroking my auburn hair down the back of my head.
I pull away from him and look down at his chest. He pushes my hair away from my wet cheeks as I pant out three huge breaths.
“I’m pregnant, Theo.”
His hand stills alongside my face and he takes in a breath and holds it.
“No Theo! You said you wouldn’t!” I cry, shoving him in his chest and leaping out of the bed
. He exhales quickly and takes a deep breath of air, looking dazed and confused.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t think. Fuck, Leslie, please!”
I grab my shorts up off the floor and pull them up roughly. “This is fucking great, Theo. I tell you I’m pregnant and you have a damn panic attack.”
He rushes over to me, grabbing my wrists.
“That’s not what that was, Leslie! Please.” I find my tank top by the door and pull it down over my head. “You’ve just shocked me. I never…I never thought…”
“Never thought what? Finish!” I cry loudly, my hands clasp tightly around the back of my neck.
“I thought you were breaking up with me, Leslie! Fuck!” he booms, turning away from me and striding over to the window. He scratches his buzzed hair aggressively and rotates back to me, throwing his arms out dramatically. “You were going on and on about not being perfect and I thought you were going to tell me you were done with me and all of that was goodbye sex. And shite! Then you said you were pregnant and I had this flash of our future together and it was so…and I was…I was…I don’t know! Overcome I guess!”
“Overcome in a good way, or overcome in a bad way?” I ask, perching my hands on my hips, feeling infuriated.
“Christ, just give me a second. I just found out the woman I love with everything I have is going to have my child. This is…this is…”
“What?” I ask, crossing my arms tightly over my chest.
“It’s fucking fantastic!”
“Fantastic?”
“Yes, Leslie. I don’t know how many times you’re going to have to hear me say I love you for it to sink in. But Jesus, picturing you as a mum is about the most beautiful thing I could ever imagine.”
A sob erupts as his words blanket me in affection.
“I’m so sorry for mucking this up, Leslie. I didn’t realize. I didn’t even think. I’m so bloody happy, the only way I could be happier is if you were in my arms right now.”
I run over and collide with him as he lifts me up off the floor.
“We have to get this right, Theo,” I cry against his shoulder.
“Of course, love.”