by Amy Daws
“Was that too soon?” I ask, laughing along with everyone.
“Yes!” Winnie says, seriously, and then starts laughing again. “Oh goodness, love. Theo, take this poor girl home before I enroll her in etiquette school!”
We drive away and I look back at Theo’s smiling family waving to us from their beautiful home.
***
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
“So…I have to go to China,” I say, looking up from my computer to Theo stretched out on my daybed.
“What? Why?” He looks indignant and offended.
“Stop! Look at your cute face right now, all grumpy. This is my job, this is what I do.” I shrug my shoulders.
It’s been nearly a month since Hayden’s incident. Theo and I have been out to visit his parents twice since the first encounter. I can already see a lightness forming around them all again and it makes me feel happy that I get to bear witness to his family’s healing. They all were so warm and welcoming both times we’ve been out there. And their house has an essence to it that can’t be explained. It feels so comforting.
Winnie told Theo just last week that they were putting the sale of the house on hold for now. I think since the home has been in the family for generations, it was a difficult struggle for them to sell it anyway. The fact that things seem to be improving amongst all of them made it a no-brainer to put the sale on hold. I could tell Theo was happy with that change of plan.
Although, Hayden gets out of his facility soon and that has everyone’s nerves on edge. I know they all just want to see him happy again and at peace. And after my chat with Hayden at the hospital, I’m hopeful that when he comes out and sees his family doing better, it’ll help him heal as well.
The family connection the Clarke’s have is just not something I ever grew up with. My dad was always busy working. When I got older, he always nagged on me about my chosen major in college. Apparently, he didn’t see any way I could make a living with a textile and design degree. I resented my mother for never standing up for me…or herself. The one time I did try to stick up for her, it ended so horribly that I still feel ill at the memory of it all.
“I don’t want you to go,” Theo mumbles gloomily, snapping me out of a terrible memory.
I stand up and make my way over to him on the bed, cozying up beside him. “Sorry, Superman. You’ll have to fly solo for a week.”
“Jesus! A week? This is terrible news. Terrible news indeed.” He takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“Think of how great reunion sex will be!” I smile saucily, grabbing his glasses and setting them on the end table. “You better give me something to remember you by. I don’t want to get hotdog out of hibernation.”
“Me neither! Hotdog isn’t hibernating as far as I’m concerned. He is well and dead.”
“You better not have done anything to my hotdog,” I growl as I crawl on top of him, straddling him.
“I’ve got plenty to keep you occupied, stuff your bloody hotdog,” he growls back and grabs my sides roughly, switching places with me.
I giggle up at the twinkle in his eyes and let him prove his point for the next hour.
***
“Lezbo! You owe me a lunch!” Frank croons at me as I brush my teeth in the bathroom.
“Lunch?”
“I haven’t seen you in ages! You’ve been in Loversville properly ignoring your best mate.”
“Frank! We just had family flick night last night! And we did it last week too!”
“I know…but I don’t like sharing you with those arseholes.”
“By arseholes, do you mean our roommates?” I ask, raising my eyebrows at him in alarm.
“Yeah, they’re a bore, Lezzie. I just want you and me time.”
“Okay, Frank…tell you what. How about I work from home today? Give me a couple hours to finish a few things and then we can go see Ameerah and Umar. Sound good?”
“I suppose. Let’s do alfresco lunch somewhere too. It’s bloody gorgeous out.”
“Two gingers eating in the sun? I don’t know,” I tsk disapprovingly.
“You’re hardly a true ginge’. But I’ll keep you anyway,” he winks.
***
A few hours later, Frank and I walk together over to Fab’s—dress in tow. After the Hayden incident, my beautiful dress was trashed quite a bit. Ameerah demanded I bring it in to her to look at and that was the last I saw of my masterpiece. I’m bringing her a replacement dress I’ve been working on for the past month, excited to surprise her. It’s beautiful, but it still doesn’t hit the level of my leather and rosette number.
“Leslie, child! Just the girl I wanted to see!” Ameerah coos, stepping through the beads. “Whatchu got there?” she asks, gesturing toward the garment bag in my hands.
“I’ve just finished up a replacement dress for your window. I know it’s not the same fabric, but it was the least I could do.”
“Honey, I told you I didn’t care ‘bout that dress. I just care about you. Why don’t you listen?”
“I told her the same thing, Ame. Our Lezbo is a bit obnoxious, isn’t she?”
“Yes, but she’s got a kind heart. And…I have a feeling you’re going to be really happy in a moment.”
“Why?” I ask as she disappears behind the beads for a minute and reemerges again with my leather rosette dress in hand.
“What is that?” I ask, feeling shocked.
“It’s your dress!” she smiles proudly.
“What did you do?”
“It’s a dye technique my mother taught me. What do you think?”
I walk over to her and my jaw hangs open as I take in the cool red swirly colors she’s dyed all over the cream rosette skirting.
“It was too pretty to just throw in the trash.”
“It’s even cooler now, will you show me how you did it?”
“Of course, child! Always!” She smiles at me proudly.
“You should put it up in the window!” I say brightly.
“Naaa, I was thinkin’ you needed to keep this one for home. You okay with that?”
“Ameerah, the fabric was very expensive.”
“When you throw that much passion into a simple dress, it belongs to you. You keep it. I won’t take no for an answer.”
“Thank you!” I say, looking up at her smiling dark-skinned face. She smiles back at me, looking like a proud momma bear gazing down at her cub.
“I’m bored,” Frank’s obnoxious voice cuts over our special moment. “I’m going next door to look at porn.”
The bell rings and Ameerah and I chuckle at Frank’s blatant honesty.
***
“I’m done, Frank. You want to go get lunch?”
“Hang on a tic Lez, you gotta see this! This vibrator from the fifties looks like a bloody hairdryer with a hair brush on the end!”
I glance over Frank’s shoulder and cringe, “Oh my God! That looks terrible! Why would they do that?”
“For pleasure, of course!” Frank answers deadpan.
“That does not look pleasurable.” I glance up at Umar watching us with mirth. “How are ya Umar, ol’ buddy, ol’ pal?”
“Good, Leslie. How are you? Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“The bitch is in love, Umar. Can you fucking believe it?” Frank interjects gloomily.
“Bitter much?” I reply and Frank rolls his eyes. “Let’s go get some lunch.” Frank sighs dramatically and waves a theatrical goodbye to Umar.
We find a cozy café down the street with patio seating on the sidewalk. Once the waitress delivers our drinks, I lay into Frank.
“What’s happening with Billy the Kid?”
“What?” Frank asks, looking down and grabbing a chip out of the starter we ordered to share.
“You know what I’m talking about. Your cowboy lover. The one you showed your bedazzler skills to. The one you’ve had over three times in the last month. That’s a record for you, Frank!”
Frank look
s down quizzically, furrowing his red eyebrows. I smile at his crazy frizzy hair sticking around every which way, smashed under his white beret.
“Oh him. I think it’s time to toss him to the curb.”
“Why?”
“He keeps calling and coming ‘round uninvited. I don’t get it.”
“What’s not to get? He obviously likes you.”
“Please,” he scoffs.
“Please what, Mr. Sour Puss? Why are you being so grumpy about all of this?”
“You should know better than anyone, Lezzie,” he mumbles.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Look, I’m not going to lay all my shite bare to some random bloke. The same way you haven’t laid all your shite bare with Theo.” He frowns at me seriously. “You and I both know you’re not being completely honest with him.”
“Honest with him about what?”
“About whatever issues you’ve run away from in America.”
My blood runs cold. “Did Finley tell you?”
“No! Though I’m quite offended now to discover that she knows and I don’t!”
“How do you know then?”
“It doesn’t take a genius to spot a wounded soldier, Lezbo. I knew the day I met you that you were running from something. You were living in a bloody hostel for crying out loud.”
I remain silent, not really knowing how to respond.
“Look, you don’t have to tell me. I don’t need to know. I just need to know that you’re okay and I can see that you are with Theo. He loves you…crazy neuroses and all. I just hope you’re being completely honest with him. He was honest with you, after all. No relationship can survive on secrets. ”
I feel horribly nauseous at Frank’s stern expression right now. Frank never gets serious, so for him to give me this speech must mean he has serious concerns. And he’s right. I haven’t been honest with Theo. I haven’t even been entirely honest with Finley! I only told her part of the story because the rest is just too painful to relive.
Now I find myself completely in love with Theo—all of my protective armor down. I’ve only just started to feel safe with our situation.
“Since when did honesty become so high up on your ethics chart?” I mumble into my drink.
“Leslie, as soon as love gets involved, honesty is always the best policy.”
***
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
I’m leaving for China in two days and Theo refuses to let me out of his sight. I sneak out of my bed, careful not to wake him and make my way to the bathroom to pee and take my pill. I really and truly need to go in to the office today! I have to stop letting this sexy man in his sexy glasses pull me away from my job! And I still haven’t found the right time to open up to Theo about my family. How will my Superman handle it all?
I brush my teeth and fill my cup with water to take my pill. I frown slightly as I pop the last of this pack into my palm. My period still hasn’t shown up. Is this the right packet? Seems strange. Maybe I need to get off of these and try something else. Surely it’s not normal to skip a period.
I swallow hard trying to bury the imminent dread creeping over my body. I can’t be pregnant. I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the damn pill. This is nothing like that. I make a mental note to get into my doctor again, it’s been a couple years since my last appointment, so it’s time anyway.
I head downstairs for some coffee, feeling slightly nervous about my messed-up cycle. “Hey Julie,” I say, finding her eating cereal in the kitchen booth. She nods silently looking back down at her magazine.
I grab a mug and dump a bucket of milk into the cup before topping it off with a dash of coffee. I blow on it for a moment, tentatively taking a sip while deep in thought.
“Hey Julie,” I say, again. “Random question. You’re on the pill, right?”
“Yeah, why?” she asks, looking up from her reading.
“Do you ever not get your period?”
“Um…no, not really. Why, did you not get yours?” She looks nervous as her eyes widen fractionally.
“No…I got it, it was just really light.”
“Oh, yeah…that happens to me too.” She waves me off like I’m crazy.
“Okay, thanks!” I say brightly, filling a second mug for Theo.
I dash back upstairs and feel a horrible sinking feeling in my gut because I was only halfway honest with Julie. What I’m not telling her is the fact that it was last month when my period was light. And by light, I mean, just barely spotting. This month…it’s a complete no show. This can’t be good.
Theo is up and slipping on his jeans as I walk in the room with our coffees. “Hey you.” He smiles lazily, scratching the top of his head.
“Hey yourself,” I reply, drinking in his shirtless form standing gloriously beside my dress model. He always looks so manly in my girlie room.
“Cheers,” he says as I hand him his cup. “You okay?” he asks, squinting slightly at my eyes.
I’m unnerved by his intuitiveness. “Yeah, I’m fine! Why wouldn’t I be?” I reply, my voice hitting a nervous pitch.
He stares at me seriously and then sets his mug down and walks over to me.
“Are you thinking about how much you’re going to miss me when you’re gone?”
“Hmm?” I reply, my thoughts running away.
“Because I am going to miss you…like crazy.” He leans down and drops a tender kiss on my lips, his breath fresh and minty from just brushing his teeth.
“I um, have to go to the office today, so…” I start, trying to extricate myself from his arms.
“Me too,” he says quietly, still eyeing me carefully and refusing to break his hold around my waist.
“Well…I best get ready. I’ll see you later, ‘kay?” I struggle to look into his beautiful brown eyes. If I look at him, he’ll know something’s up, and I don’t even know what’s up yet so there’s no need to even talk about it.
“Okay,” he says, looking somewhat apprehensive. “You good?”
“Great!” I reply enthusiastically, finally breaking free from his embrace.
I’m great. I know I’m great. Please let me be great.
***
I make an appointment at the clinic as soon as I get to work. I leave for China soon and I need to figure out what the heck is going on with me before I leave.
Two days later, with trembling hands, I sit as the lab tech takes a vile of blood from my arm. She shakes the blood in the test tube and marks it with a sharpie and tosses it into a clear plastic bag with my name on it.
When I called to make the appointment it was awkward city when the nurse asked me if there was any chance I might be pregnant. I hemmed and hawed for an agonizing twenty seconds unable to find the words I so greatly feared. The nurse could read between the lines and said the doctor would do a lab test on me so we knew the answer by the time of my appointment.
“We’ll send this off for rapid results. The doctor will have them by the time of your appointment this morning,” the tech says, looking like it’s just any other Tuesday and she doesn’t hold the fate of my future in that tiny vile.
I nod silently and get up on shaky legs and make my way to the doctor’s office. I lied to Theo this morning and told him I had to run into the office for something before my flight leaves at noon today. I tried to get an appointment yesterday, but this was the only time they had available because of a cancellation. My appointment with the doctor isn’t for another hour and a half, but I sure as shit can’t go back home and wait. So I’ll just sit here in the waiting room, hoping they have mercy on me and call me back early.
Two hours later, I’m ushered into a small exam room by a nurse. She leaves me by saying the doctor will be with me soon. I grip my hands in my lap so hard that white imprints of my fingers show every time I release them.
A short while later, the doctor comes in, looking perfectly at ease in her navy scrubs and light brown hair tied neatly back in a low ponytail. She’s young
. Too young. She can’t possibly know what the matter with my period is.
“Well, it’s as I suspected, Leslie. You’re pregnant,” she says, looking at me seriously.
I say nothing.
“I would guess a couple months along already, based on the high elevation of your HCG.”
I continue to say nothing.
She sits down on the wheelie stool and scoots closer to me, touching my arm gently.
“I take it based on your silence that this wasn’t planned?”
Yep, still saying nothing.
“Leslie, you’re going to have to talk to me before I can let you leave here.”
I blink slowly. “I have to go to China for work today! My flight leaves in three hours.”
“You’re fine to travel, just don’t eat anything strange while you’re over there.”
“Like what?”
“Raw fish—raw anything, really. Weird herbs. Just stick to normal foods.”
“How did this happen? I’m on the pill,” I ask, feeling cheated by something.
“Do you take your pill faithfully every day at the same time?”
Why is she looking at me sympathetically?
“Yes, well…I mean, I take it every day, but not always at the same time.” In the early days with Theo, there were several days where I forgot my pills at home and didn’t take them until that evening after work. Sometimes I’d even have to double up. I knew that wasn’t good, but I figured if I was getting them in, I was fine.
“Well, they aren’t one-hundred-percent effective and that’s if you do take them properly. You can’t vary the times you take them or they lose more of their effectiveness.”
“I’m going to be sick,” I croak.
“Have you been having morning sickness? You can have it any time of the day, you know.”
“No! Nothing. I feel perfectly normal.”
“Well, not everyone has pregnancy symptoms. You might be just one of the lucky ones.”
“Lucky?” I bark out a laugh.
She half-smiles at me. “Do you want to talk options?”
“What do you mean?” I ask, frowning at her.