Just a Monumental Summer: Girl on the train

by Schneiders, M.

  “It’s normal. But I know you are a strong person. And you know it, and you use it against us.”

  “Us?”

  “Men. Some day you will conquer the world, baby. Men see in you a fragile girl they need to protect. That’s dangerously deceiving.”

  “And you? What do you see in me, Jony?”

  “A girl who is going for the kill!” he concluded simply.

  I liked that.

  “Mona. You may think you are better than me, but you will leave Alin or anyone else you love, in five minutes, for a better deal.” His words hurt me. But only for moment. What if he was right?

  “You don’t know me, Jony.” I tried to justify myself.

  “Yes, I do. Unfortunately.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  “I know you are poison for me, and I am still attracted to you.” He said smiling with acceptance.

  “Funny, I feel the same way about you.” I said. “Why are we attracted by bad people, Jony?”

  “It’s not a secret anymore babe, that people with a deviant personality and darker outlooks on life, get what they want. Have you ever been alone for a long period of time? I am sure, no. And not because you are attractive, but simply because you are pathologically reckless. You will attract much more partners than girls with normal personalities.”

  “Interesting. Being neurotic is not bad after all.” I laughed.

  “Yes. You are a risk-taker, and selfish. You break the rules and you are rebellious. The opposite of a victim. You emanate bravery and independence. It makes you live an exciting life. This attracts and fascinates people around you. It’s so simple.”

  “Are you captivated by me, Jony?”

  “Are you always asking questions you already know the answer?” he asked smiling.

  Feeling a little more at ease, and more than a little tipsy. I knew it was time to go back to bed – to Alin.

  “I need to get some sleep. Don’t tell Alin.”

  “Yes, I know. I won’t tell him about our talk at all. You keep asking me things, and you know he is my friend.”

  “Did you guys make a friendship pact?” I said, smirking – I liked turning his words back on him.

  “Fair enough.” He laughed. “But you and I don’t have one.”

  “Shall we make a friendship pact, Jony?”

  “What do you have in mind?” he asked me with a naughty smile.

  “I don’t know. Let’s swear we will always tell us the truth and not hide anything from each other. I want the truth. And you will have mine. Deal?”

  “Deal!” We both spit on our thumbs and touched them. We laughed.

  “Mona, I would like to share our first truth.”

  “Ok.” I was amused.

  “You know you already cheated on him.”

  I inhaled sharply. He was right. I wished he would kiss me. I was hoping the magic of that earlier moment would come back again. Yet, his kiss came unexpectedly. Brutal and breathtaking, and then silent and lingering, tongues intertwining; tasting of Bailey’s. I was trembling. I took my time, and then I pushed him back and looked apprehensively at the door.

  “Don’t make it so hard on yourself!” He laughed while leaving the room.

  I stood up, a little fuzzy-headed from alcohol. I looked around. I saw our glasses, a reminder of two people getting closer to each other. I took them and put them in the sink. I went back to my room. Alin was sleeping. I went to our bathroom and looked into the mirror. I brushed my teeth again and silently slipped into bed.

  CHAPTER 20

  MONUMENTAL LOVE

  They say sinners never sleep well. I did – maybe it was the alcohol. Noises from the kitchen woke me up. I was, however, reluctant to run into anyone – especially Jony. I rolled over; finding Alin awake but I asked him if we could stay in bed. “Let’s not go in there. I am not in the mood. I want to stay in bed with you, the whole day.”

  As he pulled me in for a cuddle, Alin surprised me. “You know we finished the song? Our song.”

  That made me happy; I hugged him and kissed his cheek.

  I looked at his tattoo, finally ready to satisfy my curiosity.

  “Who was she? I mean, your tattoo. You can’t let it go-” I said hesitantly.

  “It was a long time ago. I loved her; it was hard to let it go.” Alin sighed.

  “So, who was she?”

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s over. It was the past,” he replied, annoyed.

  “It’s never the past if it’s still there, Alin. Is she still here?”

  “No, she’s not. You are now my girlfriend. I am with you.”

  “Sometimes being with someone doesn’t means you are with that person. Anyway…Whatever!” I murmured bitterly, upset that he didn’t trust me enough to confide in me. Then I was disgusted with myself – who am I to push him for secrets, when I have so many of my own? I scowled at him.

  He touched my hair, looked me deep in the eyes, sighed, and muttered to himself, “And you don’t know if she is about to kiss you or kill you.”

  “I am gonna do both, I guess.” I kissed his tattooed arm.

  We stayed in bed and talked.

  “What’s up with Teo? What is his story? He seems much older.” I was trying to find a way to ask about Jony without raising suspicions.

  “He founded the band. He gathered us all together. He is weird but ok. Talented. He’s a mess. Lazy. Spends money he doesn’t have. You know, we mostly get our checks at the beginning of the month. One week before the paycheck, he’s out of money.”

  I interrupted him: “Maybe he thinks the month has only three weeks, instead of four.”

  He answered as if I was serious, not because he appreciated my joke: “Exactly! A procrastinator with the paperwork, but when it comes to having fun, he is the first. Always late. Messy. We need to babysit him. Annoying.

  I continued. “Maybe he has Peter Pan syndrome.”

  “A disease?”

  “It’s not considered a disease. I think it’s more like a psychological concept, referring to a male who is socially immature.” I explained.

  “Have you ever thought of studying psychology?” Alin asked.

  “No way!”

  “Why? I thought you were interested.” Alin asked, puzzled.

  “Because I would suck as a therapist. The whole time, I would be thinking saying to my patients, ‘Shut the fuck up and have a drink. I have enough dealing with my own shit.’”

  He laughed, amused by my bluntness.

  “I am interested for me. I try to heal my soul anyway I can.”

  “Mona. Why do you need to heal your soul? What is in there?”

  “Alin, don’t take me seriously. You may get to feel my body. It’s not enough to see my twisted soul. In order to get me, you have to feel it, you have to take the journey with me. I could drag you deep down, into my abyss, and you might still not be able to feel what it’s like to be me.”

  “But I do want to know -”

  I interrupted him. “But confessing to you means intimacy. Like being naked. Showing your real thoughts, frustrations, fears, desires, your darkness to someone else, ultimately showing my demons, it takes courage. Ican do that, but these things you have heard will always burn in your brain. They cannot be undone. That means there will be no way out for me. You will own me forever.”

  “Forever? Big words, don’t you think?” Alin asked in disbelief.

  “Love should be forever. Love should be epic. Passionate and extraordinary. Life is a routine, life is sad, life is tough. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them. If you don’t have a monumental love, you are wasting your time. If you don’t want to die for it, then get out.”

  “I like it… extraordinary love.”

  “It is. But you think it nonsense.”

  He kissed me and whispered, “Monumental love. I like it. Good title for a song. If I could be one of your monsters, I would fall in love with you,” Alin decla
red.

  I corrected him: “Demons.”

  “Same thing.”

  “No, it’s not. We are all monsters. Sooner or later. More or less. Maybe except Dana,” I explained.

  He agreed, smiling. Dana was a light for all of us. But then I continued:

  “Monsters are all around us. You can see them. Demons are inside us. We are the monsters, but we are hosting demons. Monsters are to be seen, demons are to be felt.”

  Alin seemed annoyed and worried. He sat up straighter in the bed and turned to me, intent on what I was saying – trying to understand. I went on:

  “A demon is the ultimate monstrosity and blackness. A demon is something that grows inside you and then suddenly you are aware of it. You know crazy people don’t think they are crazy? They insist the sane ones are crazy.”

  Alin ran his fingers through his hair, trying to catch up to my line of reasoning. “Are they monsters? Or demons?”

  “Monsters. Monsters are cunning and manipulative. They will turn you into one of them. You will end up doing bad things, thinking you are somebody else, thinking it’s the right thing to do. Although I prefer not to call crazy people monsters. I am fascinated by them. Maybe they are right. Maybe we are the crazy ones.”

  “Why I am not surprised you think that? What about demons?”

  I shifted in the bed, crossing my legs and leaning toward him - I so wanted someone to understand me. I explained earnestly:

  “You can have a good relationship with your demons. They will torture your soul, but they will give you a break from time to time. And they won’t make you lose your mind. You are no use to them if you’re crazy. They will keep you right at the doorstep between sanity and insanity. Sometimes, they allow you to feel pleasure, contentment, even short moments of happiness. But they are always present as a reminder you belong to them, no matter what you do. A demon won’t kill you, same as they won’t make you crazy. They live through you. Like a virus. They can’t survive without a host. Conversely, a monster will get you killed, will manipulate you, will whisper in your ear things no sane mind can comprehend. Think of famous serial killers. They did horrible things to other people, thinking they were gods or thinking God told them to do things. A demon will never make you think you are God. It won’t allow you to lose touch with reality.” I stopped, seeing the look on his face.

  “Mona, I didn’t interrupt you.” His tone was serious. He stood up and paced around the room, ending at the window. He turned and looked at me, folding his arms.

  “So you let me talk to see where my phantasmagoric absurdity ends. Thank you, Alin.” I was worried I had gone too far – exposed too much. Most people don’t think this way, I knew that. Sure enough, Alin scrubbed his face with his hands. When he took his hands away from his face, he appeared concerned.

  “How did you get this stuff into your head? I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but you are talking nonsense. You need to stop!” I didn’t know if his look was sad or if he simply felt pity for me.

  “These are my thoughts, theories. I am trying to understand myself.”

  “You are giving credence to lots of thoughts; too many,” he said seemingly worried about my sanity.

  “Would ignoring something that absorbs your mind makes you crazy or normal, Alin?”

  “How long has it been since you noticed these …demons are there?” Alin continued questioning me. I think he was ready to get a straightjacket and have me locked up.

  “Good question. I don’t know.”

  He leaned back against the headboard, pulling me over into the shelter of his arms. I leaned my head on his shoulder, feeling loved.

  “You told me about the beach. What about the other happy moments?” Alin asked as he stroked my hair.

  “Of pure happiness? There were no other ones.”

  “What about when you felt in love, the day when Gabriel came to see you?”

  “I felt I was on fire. I was happy. But it’s hard to explain. Two different moments in time. The sea overwhelmed my senses. Smelling, hearing, touching, seeing, tasting. The brief moments with Gabriel felt physical. My body was shaking, and I felt on fire. I guess I can call it happiness as well. Let’s say happiness, but not pure.” I smiled. There were many things in my head that I was not willing to share with anyone. This much intimacy with Alin felt like a big step.

  He waited for a while. Then he shifted to look intently into my eyes. He was serious, and said with such concern, “Mona, your soul is pure and poetic. And you talk about demons with a passion that scares me. How is it possible? One moment you are so innocent, chasing one pure memory, and at the same time you tell yourself demons are occupying your mind. I would love to see inside your mind.”

  I kissed him. “You don’t want that, baby.”

  Trying to fake a rasping tone, he asked, “Should I be scared?”

  I shook my head. “I am harmless. My demons are mine. It’s not contagious.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It takes courage to be with someone like me.” I admitted seriously.

  “So it is contagious,” he chuckled.

  “It may be.”

  He was thoughtful. I knew I might have said too much, but I wasn’t sorry. I wanted him to know. Either he would say I was crazy and would run away, or he would start to understand my pain and try to help me. Both were ok with me.

  But he didn’t give up. He looked at me, troubled, and asked, sighing, “You know what puzzles me? You are interested in psychology and take it seriously, and on the other hand, you are talking about demons and new age crap, or whatever it’s called. What is in your mind?”

  “Demons. I told you!” I laughed.

  He looked at me anxiously. “Mona, you can’t throw something like that on me and pretend it’s funny. Why are you like this? What happened to you?”

  “Life happened, Alin.”

  CHAPTER 21

  PAIN IS GOOD

  The summer continued, the days were blending into each other.

  I was glad, and a bit surprised, that after the walk we took through my crazy mind Alin was still with me. I felt that he was closer to understanding me than anyone had ever been.

  It was another lazy day on the beach, I was in love with life, andI was in love with Alin.

  “Tell me about your smile.” I asked him one day, “You know, don’t you? There is no way you are unaware of its power; is it deliberate? Like, did you practice in front of a mirror? Or did someone point it out to you, ‘Hey sexy, love your smile’, you should keep that smile, that’s the one’?”

  “Both,” he admitted cockily, returning my kiss. He squirted sunscreen into his hands, then gestured for me to turn around. He began to apply the lotion in slow, easy strokes on my shoulders.

  “Some things should be forbidden, should be declared against the law.” I said, relaxing into the massage. “They are so good, they could be dangerous. Chocolate cake with raspberries. It’s so decadent, it should be illegal. And your smile.”

  “Same for your laugh, Mona. When you laugh, you flourish and glisten. I look at you, and I want more. Like the light that attracts moths.” He handed me the bottle so I could return the favor. We switched positions and I rubbed sunscreen on his back.

  “You know what, Alin? We are two addicts. We must be meant for each other, after all.”

  “Mona, when I saw you passing by on the train, I prayed you would stop in my compartment. And you did. Did you notice I moved my guitar, to make space for you, to sit near me, and you chose to stay in front of me.”

  “And you got sad. I saw your look. I thought I could control you. Maybe with sex, I thought I would feel powerful over you. I didn’t expect I would end up being seduced by you.”

  “This is how you felt?” he said in disbelief.“

  “What do you expect me to say?”

  “But you masturbated in front of me. You took off your panties.”

  “I know. It looked like an invitation, like I was asking for
it, but I only wanted to play.”

  He took my face into his hands and squeezed hard, forcing me to look at him. “A dangerous play, Mona.”

  “You are right. Learned my lesson,” I apologized, humiliated at the memory.

  He dropped his hands from my face, and sat looking out at the sea pensively.

  I tried to help him see that he did nothing wrong – I didn’t want him to think he took advantage of me. I tried to take his mind off it. “We have great sex.”

  Feeling brave about our new intimacy, I took a deep breath and broached a subject I had been avoiding.

  “About sex. You prefer rough, don’t you?” I asked curiously while looking around to make sure no one was listening.

  “I like to dominate,” he admitted, unapologetically.

  “And I love when you dominate me.” I admitted, relieved to speak openly about it.

  He grabbed my hair and murmured into my neck, “I like you being my slave.”

  I decided to push my luck since we were being so open. “Is that why it didn’t work with Ema? She wasn’t into rough sex?”

  He sighed. “You will never let it go, will you?”

  “I’m curious. I’m ready to expose my soul for you, but what about you? You have your secret with her. I feel it. And the more you try to hide, the worse it is.” I sighed as well.

  “Ok!” he gave in. “It was a mistake. I knew she was still in love with that piece of shit. She tried to get over him. I shouldn’t have gotten involved. She threw herself into a relationship with me, only to forget him. And I pretended not to see, only because I wanted her. I lied to myself. I thought she wanted me too. But- ”

  “You took advantage of her. She wasn’t ready.”

  He didn’t deny it. “That’s what I did. And I deserved it.”

  “So did she leave you?”

  “Yes. And she wasn’t into rough sex. Or the chemistry was not enough for that.”

  I was satisfied. I had my answer, but I wished the truth was different. I knew from experience – if you want to know who was hurt in a relationship, ask who walked away; then you have your answer – the other one is the one who can’t let go.