“No, you don’t get it. I don’t want to give up Jony. I want to be with him. And I want to be with Alin as well.” I turned away and folded my arms, holding myself. Why andhow did I get myself into this mess?
Vera took a step back. “Damn, Mona, you are not me. You can’t do that. You are too sensitive. You’ll end up loving both of them. And that’s fucked up.”
“I do love them both; in my way. I think I love them both,” I said helplessly.
“You need to pack up your things and come and stay with me for a while. Giovanni is leaving tomorrow, and I will take care of you,” Vera said with a concerned look. She was all I’d ever wanted in a friend; the mothering, nonjudgmental, kind.
“Vera, I am so grateful I have you in my life.” And the tears simply fell. Sorrow overwhelmed me. I was crying for the lost girl in me, who never had a chance to be loved. I was crying for Mona, who wished she had a mother like Vera. It wasn’t just the mess I was in now. Memories cascaded; a dam inside me broke open. My dad, my mom, the miseries of the past were combining with the mess I had made of the summer. I lost it – I covered my face and sank to the ground beside the building, sobbing. I was mourning all the mistakes I’d made and for all the unfair things life had offered me.
Vera looked surprised for a second, but she quickly dropped beside me and hugged me, rocking me gently. “My poor lost girl. My dear lost girl.”
Some guys stopped and looked at us in concern. Vera looked up and noticed them. “What?” She snapped, her arms still around me. The guys hurried away, and she yelled after them “Why is it so hard to find some damn privacy? Why is it so hard?”
I couldn’t help but laugh, hiccupping through my tears. Crazy Vera. Vera gave me a napkin from her purse and I tried to sop up my tears.
Suddenly, Ema opened the backstage door and approached us. I tried to fix my makeup. Ema noticed. “What’s wrong, Mona? Are you ok?”
“Why do you care?” Vera asked her aggressively.
Ema seemed unprepared for Vera’s attack.
“Vera, stop it,” I said. “I’m fine, Ema. I was sad, just telling Vera good-bye.”
Ema didn’t seem convinced, but shrugged. We went back inside. Vera waited till the band finished their songs, and then said good-bye. She took Jony aside and said something to him. They hugged. She hugged me and turned to Alin. “In case it doesn’t work between you two, Mona is mine.”
Alin laughed, pleased. “Thank you, Vera. For your information, Mona’s mine, and I don’t like to share,” Alin said.
“Sharing is caring, baby,” Vera shouted back, as she walked away.
“I like her. She seems uncomplicated,” Alin said, chuckling. He kissed me possessively. I was nervous, but kissed him back. My feelings for him hadn’t changed.
The night was still young. Someone suggested we go dancing. We went to the disco and grabbed a table. I tried to reach the dance floor. Alin told me he would get something to drink and followed me.
Good idea. Alcohol. I decided to get drunk. Tonight it was my turn.
Alin joined me on the dance floor, grabbing me and dancing close. As we took breaks from dancing, he kept my hand in his and devoted his attention to me, brushing my hair back from my face and nuzzling my neck. Why did he have to be so damn perfect? Why I was looking for a reason for him to not be?
His hangover was still bothering him, so we decided to leave. Alin’s hangover was still bothering him, so the crowd and noise was a bit much. He urged the group to move the party somewhere quieter. Everyone agreed, so we trooped over to the house. Everyone grabbed a drink from the kitchen and then settled in the living room.
Someone mentioned our song. “It must have been a very interesting ride in that train,” Geta said, smirking, and I sensed some envy in her voice.
I felt my cheeks burning, a mixture of shame and embarrassment. I sank back in the couch.
Beside me, Alin smiled, kissed my hand and said proudly, “She is my muse, and I hope she will continue to be.” He put his arm around me.
From across the room, Teo smiled at me and demanded, “Don’t leave. We need more hits. We need you.”
Jony said from his position by the kitchen, “You know what they say, behind every successful guy is a strong woman.” He winked at me, raising his glass.
“I thought behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes,” I said back to him, willing to join in the banter but feeling so awkward inside.
“Anyway, the song is awesome. Let’s hope Black Vinyl needs more time with their new song,” Vladi confessed.
Someone was yelling outside. The group from the previous night had showed up; they had the new videocassette with Michael Jackson’s most recent album, Bad. The crowd in the living room swelled, people grabbing seats on the floor and coffee table. After we watched the show, Jony exclaimed, “I liked ‘Dirty Diana’ the best. I have to say that’s my favorite song.”
“‘Liberian Girl’ was the best,” Alin protested.
“‘Bad’ is the best song,” Vladi joined the good natured argument.
“Guys, I have a new joke,” Adi said, changing the subject. “Question at Radio Erevan…”
“These are the best jokes,” Alin interrupted him, and we all agreed.
Adi continued. “Question: You said communism is the best political system ever, and yet people are living better in capitalism. Why? Answer: Regarding the question about people living better in capitalistic systems, while they say that communism is the best system ever, we have to inform you that we didn’t get your question.”
We all agreed, laughing out loud.
I needed some air and went out to the balcony. A couple of minutes later, Jony followed me. “What are you doing here?” I asked him, turning my head, trying to see if someone in the living room might get the wrong idea.
“Don’t get paranoid, Mona. Can’t we be friends and socialize as normal people?’” He asked, leaning on the railing and nudging me with his shoulder.
“I’m sorry. I tend to easily freak out it seems.” I sighed.
He reached over and grabbed my hand, nudging me into the shadow of the balcony. Damn, it felt so forbidden and good. “Don’t move. Shhhh; act normal.” we were still both leaning on the balcony rail. I was between him and the wall; his body was between me and the door to the living room. He dropped my hand and grazed my hip as he reached between my legs. I froze. “You have no panties?” he asked, amused.
“Do you have something against it?” I asked in a defiant whisper, trying not to react to him. I moved his hand up to the railing and held it there. I had to make sure no one was watching.
A silent moan escaped my mouth.
“You are so wet. Mona, you drive me crazy.” His fingers moved as in a familiar territory. My hips were slowly moving like in an erotic Arabic dance. He liked that: “Yeah baby, come for me. And scream.”
I grabbed the balcony bar and arched my back ahead. I thought was too early for me to come, but the orgasm came unexpectedly.
“You didn’t scream.” He said and he grabbed my hand and forcing me to feel his erection. I moved to see if no one was watching us.
“Really. Look where me trusting you brought me,” I said crossly.
“Do you blame me? Do you regret it?” Jony murmured, looking at me. “I would love to lick you, Mona.” He said playfully.
“Jony, I know you! Am I one of your victims?”
“Mona, you are the one who has a boyfriend,” Jony reminded me. As if I had forgotten.
“Damn, Jony, stop talking with me in allusions and riddles, or whatever. Can’t you just give me a straight answer, please?” I demanded.
“I don’t like victims. They’re pathetic. I told you already, you’re the one in control, not me.”
I was concerned we might raise suspicions. “One of us has to go inside,” I said.
“You go.” He shifted slightly away from me. I held on to his hand and tugged him back.
“Wait, can you tel
l me what Vera told you before she left?”
“Why? Are you jealous?”
“No. She loves me, I love her, no room for jealousy.”
“She told me funny story about a scientist who did an experiment. He took a flea, put it on the paper and said, ‘Jump.’ The flea jumped. Then he cut its legs and asked it to jump again. The flea didn’t. Then he took a pen and wrote down, ‘If you cut its legs, the flea can’t hear.’”
“Such a moron,” I said, snorting.
“Exactly what she said. But not about him. About me. She wondered how smart people cannot see the obvious in front of them.”
“What is the obvious?”
“That you were the only girl I shouldn’t have touched,” he answered, sighing, dropping my hand to rest his head in his hands.
I involuntarily smiled, thinking about Vera’s unexpected wisdom. And then I nodded my head in defeat as well.
I left without looking at him. When I came inside, the smoke was heavy, and the music was loud. Alin was sitting in a corner, playing the guitar.
After finishing his song, he said loudly, “Thank you for being my muse, baby.”
I smiled and hurried to the bathroom. I locked the door and start to cry. I was trapped between two men. Maybe two instable men. And I wasn’t sane as well.
“What are doing, Mona? What are you doing?”
CHAPTER 27
MEN TALK
Another week in heaven passed. Without Vera I felt rudderless, but managed to keep my turmoil to myself. Alin was a steady, loving presence. I tried to avoid Jony.
I was working quietly one day when the radio station door opened, and I saw him - I had completely forgotten the third man in my life – Alexandru. I stood up quickly, guilty. I walked over and kissed him on both cheeks.
“I went to your place. Your roommate told me you never sleep there. You were supposed to meet me at the hotel,” he said, trying to turn my greeting into something more.
I pushed at him, trying to discourage him. “Alexandru, I’m working.”
“Like you give a damn about that.” He was laughing. “I’m even surprised you’re still here.”
“You’re right. How many days are you in town?” I asked, walking outside to put some distance between us as I frantically tried to think of what to do with him. He followed me and we stopped outside the studio doors, sitting on a bench.
“Two days. I will be at the hotel, but we leave in two days for the Danube Delta. The landscape is amazing, but we need mosquito spray.” He assumed we would pick up where we left off, and I would accompany him wherever he needed to go.
I sent him away and told him we’d meet later, using work as an excuse. I went back inside to grab my purse then headed to Dana’s. Whatever focus I had at the studio fled with the appearance of yet another complication in my life. Dana was happy to see me; she gave me a hug and got me a table. She asked me when I’d have time to see the statues that were scattered around the resort community. She was involved in some kind of project to support the local art, and to restore the statues – her interest stemmed from her love of art. Although she was unable to justify studying art at university, she was pursuing her passion where she could. The preservation efforts grew from a concern that the statues would disappear if there was a natural or manmade disaster – a flood, or something more ominous like the unrest spreading around the country.
Girl, I would love to have your problems. I told myself with envy.She gave me a juice and a kiss on the cheek, then left me alone. I put my head in my hands and rubbed at the throbbing headache that suddenly developed there with the appearance of Alexandru.
I was angry that I’d forgotten about Alexandru. I was angry that I liked him – I felt a sense of obligation because of what he did for my family. He was a good companion and represented security to me in these uneasy times, but I felt nothing for him like I did for Alin – my home, my new steady source of strength. I knew I couldn’t make a compromise – couldn’t add Alexandru back into the equation of my already complicated existence. I stayed at Dana’s for a while and did nothing, trying not to think and nursing my headache. Realizing I was getting nowhere, my thoughts circulating endlessly, I rubbed my forehead and decided to go back to the radio station – I could at least solve one of my problems - I told George T. I quit. He didn’t ask why, but he did smile and gave me a hug when I left.
I went to the hotel to look for Alexandru, still unsure how to disentangle myself from him after all he had done for me. I paced back and forth outside the entrance to the hotel, too agitated to sit. Ten minutes later, Alexandru walked up; I hadn’t resolved anything and fell back to old habits; it was easier to pretend nothing had changed. We went to his hotel room, and we had sex – out of a sense of obligation - it meant nothing to me, even less than before. Afterwards I took a shower, feeling oddly unclean. I walked back into the room and sat at the table rather than rejoining Alexandru in bed. I looked over at him and took a deep breath – I owed it to him to be honest; I couldn’t live another lie. I told him that I was in love, and I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. No more trips, no more sex; we needed to be finished.
He came over to me at the table and took my hands, trying to convince me I was being foolish. He didn’t seem to take me seriously – we had been involved too long, and he thought he understood me. He reminded me of how we began, and appealed to emotions that I just didn’t have – and didn’t really believe he had either. He claimed that since he met me there was no one else.
“You know, since I met you, you are the only one. You know all the fat pigs around and what they do. You are friends with the girls. I know you girls talk. Have you ever heard that I was with someone else?” he said sorrowfully.
He wasn’t lying. Besides his wife, I was the only one – not conceit, but he was right, he had a reputation and I knew I was his only mistress.
“Mona, you know it’s a jungle out there. I’m your man. I am the one who takes care of you and protects you.” He kissed my hands as he pleaded with me.
No, you don’t! If you would really had taken care of me, you would have not expected sex from me in return.
He continued: “I understand you may think you are in love. But what do you do when it’s over? You’ll be all alone.” I let go of his hands and moved to the window, staring out at the surf as I answered him.
“Alexandru, I need that. I don’t know how it will end, but I need that. I need him. Ah, but which him? I wondered to myself. Maybe it’s the place, the time. This time is different. I need love. Love is good.”
“Since when, Mona?” He looked bewildered, old, and a little lost, his hands folded on the table.
“Since this summer. It may never last, and I am prepared for that. But it is what I need to move forward in my life. I feel silly and young. It simply feels good.” I turned to him and folded my arms, leaning against the wall by the window.
“You will get hurt, you know that. Love never ends well,” Alexandru protested shaking his head.
I knew the longer we talked, more room I would give him to convince me. I didn’t want to go back to my old life. My safe world. I told him this was the last time he’d get to see me. I knew we couldn’t stay friends as well. He didn’t need friends. He had lots. He needed sex. I told him I wouldn’t go with him to the Danube Delta and he should stop calling my parents and my brothers — he didn’t owe them anything. I told him I needed to leave and walked to the door of the hotel room. He stood up and offered to drive me wherever I wanted to go, but I told him that I’d rather walk. He gave me a hug and kissed my cheek. Feeling oddly despondent, I walked out of the hotel and took off my sandals to walk along the sand. Kicking my feet into the surf, I slowly made my way back to the house, seeking solace in the soft and ceaseless sound of the waves. Finding little peace, I turned toward the house and unlocked the door, hoping to have the place to myself. Instead I found Geta in the kitchen eating a snack. I said hi but continued on to the bedroom, telling her I had
a headache – no lie, my head had not stopped throbbing since I first encountered Alexandru at the station.
I was scared. And I don’t react well to fear. I was thinking of Alexandru’s words, and I knew he was right. He was my shield. And now I was alone in the “jungle.” I had always had a fallback; now I was in freefall. No one to catch me if I should stumble. And I was sure a fall was yet to come – I couldn’t go on juggling two guys and not get hurt.
Geta knocked at the door and asked me if I was going to the show. I wasn’t in the mood to go; I told her that my headache could be sunstroke, and I needed to rest. She left. From the balcony, I watched her leave; leaning on the rails, my head in my hands, I started to cry. I threw myself in the balcony chair, my head continuing to keep time with my heartbeat.
I finally escaped my headache and circling thoughts of impending disaster by falling asleep in the afternoon heat. When I woke up, it was dark; I looked at my watch and discovered I had slept through dinner – it was ten. I didn’t know what to do with myself; my headache seemed gone, but my thoughts were still the same. I looked around the house, and it was empty. I knew if I left now, I wouldn’t find anyone – the band was finished by this time of night, so the gang could be anywhere – at the restaurant, in one of the discos, or at the Obelisk. But they could also be at Ema’s, and there was no way for me to get there. I had to stay home and wait for Alin. I looked around, and I thought, this is not my place. My feeling earlier in the summer that this was my home, my safety – that feeling was gone – I had killed it when I slept with Jony. What I was doing here? Suddenly, I heard a voice. The door slammed open and Alin called my name. My heart stuttered. Maybe I was wrong; maybe my place was still here, with Alin. He asked me to come outside. I fixed my makeup quickly, and I went downstairs. I tried to kiss him, but he hesitated, holding me at arm’s length and examining me in concern.
“Geta told me you had a sunstroke,” he said. “Are you ok? The sun always gets us, sooner or later.”
I told him I was better, and blurted out that I had quit my job. He didn’t seem to be listening. Dropping my arms, he turned and paced a few feet away from me to lean against the side of the house.
Just a Monumental Summer: Girl on the train Page 20