This Is Not About Love

by Carissa Ann Lynch

  Who was this person? she wondered. She had half a mind to just turn and run back out the front door.

  “Alex, I have no idea why you decided to come home early. You could have at least told me…” she said in a quiet voice that sounded almost like a whisper. “I was at work, Alex…” she tried to continue, but he held up his hand.

  “Stop.”

  His voice was lower now and his expression softened. “You were not at work yesterday. I checked the library, and I called your coworkers.” His gaze drifted back to the fire.

  “Alex, I’m sorry,” she murmured, taking a few steps toward the couch. “I don’t know what to say right now except that I’m sorry…”

  Alex sighed, and when their eyes met, she saw that his eyes were red from crying. “Yesterday was April sixth. I pushed the flight up a day so I could come home to be with you for our one-year wedding anniversary…” he said.

  Violet shook her head in disbelief. How could she have forgotten the date? Instead of celebrating her anniversary with her husband, she had been lying in a hotel room with an engaged man—not to mention the way the night had ended with his scorned fiancée charging into the room.

  She felt ashamed for hurting Alex like this. Regardless of how unhappy she felt with the relationship, he was still a person that deserved to be treated with respect. He did not deserve to be cheated on or lied to regardless of what he’d done or hadn’t done while working out of state.

  “You deserve better, Alex,” she heard herself say. Then she turned and headed back out the way she had come in—only this time she left behind her wedding ring on the table.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Angela extended her arms into a V and smiled brightly out at the crowd. The routine was a hit, she thought, beaming up at her mother as the crowd roared with whistles and applause.

  Angela loved the way sound traveled in a gymnasium, with the cheers reverberating again and again as though she were standing in the middle of a canyon. It was game night at Riverside High and Angela’s debut as the newest member of the junior varsity cheerleading squad. Overall, she would deem the night a success. Her soon-to-be stepbrother, Elijah, was leading the boys’ basketball team in points; they were up by twelve, and it was only halftime.

  Now that the halftime show was over, people were making their way down the bleachers for bathroom breaks and snacks. Angela headed up the bleachers to see her mother, Penelope.

  ***

  As Penelope watched Angie approach, she could not help but feel content with how her life had turned out. Nearly two days had passed since the incident at the Filmont Inn with Michael, and she had not seen or heard from him at all. Despite all of that, she felt overjoyed watching her beautiful daughter on her first night as a Riverside cheerleader. Angela was the best thing that had ever happened to her. Even after losing her first husband, Brian, to a heart attack and then catching her new fiancé cheating, Penelope realized that she was lucky to have such a lovely, kind-hearted, and intelligent daughter.

  For a moment, Penelope imagined what life would be like if it were just her and Angie: no man, no big house, just the two of them. We would be just fine, Penelope realized, and she draped her arm around her daughter’s shoulder as Angie took a seat beside her on the bleachers. “I’m so proud of you, Honey,” Penelope told her, fighting the urge to become tearful.

  ***

  Angela felt relieved to see her mother smile because even though her mother thought she was naïve, she could tell something had been bothering her all week. Elijah could sense it too. According to Penelope, Elijah’s father, Michael, had been working all night the past two nights, and that was why he had not been home. Elijah and Angie were skeptical. Even though Angie didn’t like to think her mother was lying to her, she admired and appreciated her mother’s ability to stay strong and never worry her or Elijah with “grown-up” problems.

  Just then the buzzer sounded, and the basketball team emerged from the locker room. Once again, the gymnasium was filled with cheers and whoops of excitement. Elijah was in the front of the pack, and he smiled and waved up at them. Angela had to admit he was adorable, and a part of her wished their parents were not planning to marry, because in another life maybe they could have been an item. She instantly felt silly for thinking such thoughts. “Gotta get back out there, Mom!”

  ***

  Penelope patted her daughter on the back and then watched her descend the bleachers and join her squad on the sidelines. Her eyes drifted over to the floor to where Elijah stood stretching his arm and calf muscles. He was the spitting image of his father, and even though he was not her biological son, she did adore him, and she would have been lucky to have him as her own. Of all the surprises she had endured this week, the one that surprised her the most was Michael’s absence from his son’s first basketball game of the season. He deserves to have someone cheering for him, she thought angrily, but on second thought, he does. He has me. She clapped her hands together and yelled, “Come on, Elijah! Let’s go!”

  The Riverside Pirates were victorious, and when the game was over, Penelope congratulated Elijah and Angela on a job well done. She was proud of them both. Penelope suggested they go out for pizza to celebrate, but they were quick to remind her that they already had plans of their own. Elijah had plans to stay over at his best friend Pete’s house, and Angie was going to have a sleepover with several of her new teammates.

  Penelope hugged them both, and after watching them head off with their friends, she made her way across the school parking lot and climbed into the Escalade. She wondered if and when Michael would return home, and felt depressed as she anticipated going home to an empty house and an even emptier bed.

  As Penelope edged the SUV out of its parking space, she almost didn’t see the dark-haired woman step out in front of her. Luckily, Penelope reacted quickly and pressed down on the brake. For a moment their eyes met, and Penelope could have sworn that the woman very closely resembled Michael’s ex-wife, Lexi.

  Wow, I really must be losing it, Penelope thought, shaking her head. First, I think she’s the one having an affair with Michael, and now I think I’m seeing her everywhere, she thought warily. The woman waved apologetically and kept walking, her head tucked in to her chest.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Lexi was so distracted that she nearly let herself get run over by an SUV. Tonight, after eight long years, she had finally seen her son, Elijah. Even after all these years, he was impossible to miss. He was the spitting image of his father.

  The first thing Lexi did when she arrived in town was take a cab to Michael and Elijah’s last known place of residence in Oaksdale. It didn’t take long to figure out that they no longer lived there after she was greeted at the door by an elderly Asian couple.

  Honestly, did I really expect them to still be there? Lexi wondered. So much time had passed, and with time comes change. However, she knew Michael like the back of her hand, and he was nothing if not consistent when it came to raising Elijah. She suspected that Michael still lived somewhere in Oaksdale—not only because it was his childhood home, but because he wanted Elijah to attend school at Riverside. Lexi could remember how set Michael had been on the idea of sending their son to Riverside. It was his alma mater, and he held the school’s reputation in high regard.

  Lexi had paid the cabbie and set him free, opting to head out on foot. She stopped first at a local mom and pop convenience store to buy a soda and get her thoughts together. It was there she saw his name on the front page of the local newspaper.

  It was a headline advertising the Pirates’ first basketball game of the season, and the name Elijah Sinclair was second on the list under a fuzzy team picture. “Are these free?” she asked the boy working the counter, and headed out of the store without waiting for his response.

  Lexi spent nearly an hour sitting on an old picnic table studying the photograph that contained a snapshot of her only son. The picture was unclear and poorly shot, but her finger quic
kly rested on the small, round face of Elijah Sinclair. She would recognize that smile anywhere. She was mesmerized by the photo and could have spent all day memorizing the handsome features that made up her son’s face, but she had somewhere to go.

  There was a cheap motel four blocks from Riverside High School, one of those pay-by-the-day type deals. She paid for a room and accepted her key, then headed back out on foot toward the school. It was opening night of the season, and she had a ball game to watch.

  Lexi had never been a fan of sports, but as she watched Elijah Sinclair dribble that ball and put it through the hoop, she fell in love with basketball. More so, she fell in love with watching him and every little movement that he made. To think that she had actually played a part in creating such a strong, handsome boy made her feel an overwhelming sense of pride. She had to give Michael all of the credit for raising him on his own, but she loved knowing that her body had cultivated and held this lovely young man.

  Lexi had chosen a seat at the top of the bleachers so she could stay far enough back from the court to not be spotted. She knew that even if she had been spotted, it would not make a difference. Elijah didn’t know her anymore, and unfortunately, she barely knew him either. At halftime, her eyes scanned the crowd for Michael, but surprisingly, he wasn’t there. That seems odd, she thought, wondering why the boy’s father would not be here on such an important night. That seemed so unlike the Michael she remembered. Even though she primarily came to see her son, she had been hoping to see Michael as well. There was a time when they were not only lovers but best friends. She had missed him nearly as much as her son, and she had to admit that she yearned to see him.

  After the game, she saw Elijah talking to his friends and a few adults, but still no Michael. Elijah seemed happy, and for a moment, Lexi wondered if maybe she should simply return to her hotel, pack her belongings, and leave things just as they were. But seeing Elijah was like a dream—one she never wanted to end. But the game was over, and the last thing Elijah needed right now was a surprise reunion with his long lost mother, so she headed out of the gymnasium and crossed the parking lot with her head down.

  Her walk back to the motel was a slow one. It felt bittersweet. She still felt giddy with excitement from seeing her son, but those old feelings of guilt and sadness were creeping back in. Leaving Michael, and most of all, Elijah, was the stupidest thing she had ever done, and she knew it. She was unsure of how to fix things, or if it was even remotely possible, but unlike the last time, she was not giving up.

  Regardless of how long she had been gone, one thing was crystal clear: Lexi was never going to leave again. Even if Michael hated her and Elijah never wanted to see her, she wanted to remain close, if only for moments like tonight when she could briefly capture a small glimpse of Elijah’s life…even if it was from afar.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Like a thief in the night, Alex was there one moment and gone the next. After staying with her sister for a few days, Violet returned to find his clothing and personal items gone. The only trace of his recent presence in the house was a small, handwritten note lying on the bed of the newly converted room in the attic. It read:

  Dear Violet,

  You are, and always will be, the girl of my dreams. All I have ever wanted is to make you proud of me. When I accepted this job out of state, it was my attempt to go out on my own and save money for us to start a real life together. You know that old saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”? Well, unfortunately, in our case, it pulled us apart. I’m sorry that I ever left. I’m not sure if it’s that you love someone else, or perhaps you just no longer love me, but either way, I can tell by the look in your eyes that something has changed. I am going on to San Diego to start the job early. This will give you time to sort out your feelings. If you change your mind and want me to return home, I will. Hell, I’ll even quit my job if you want me to, Violet. Regardless of your decision, you should keep the house. It has always been your dream house and perhaps, with or without me, your dreams will come true inside of it. I love you. Alex

  Violet folded the note into a tiny square, tucked it away in her jeans pocket, and laid down belly-first on the bed. She didn’t cry. She wasn’t sure why the tears didn’t come, but she did feel sadness…sadness for hurting her husband and sadness for the end of a dream: the idea of a marriage that had once seemed like such a splendid venture, filled with happiness and planning.

  The truth is, Alex does deserve better, Violet realized. He deserves to have someone love him as much as I love Michael, and someone who wants to marry him as much as he wants to marry me.

  For Violet, cooking was like therapy, and there never seemed a greater need for it than now. She headed to the kitchen to scope out available ingredients, finally settling on a strawberry cake after she spotted a carton of fresh strawberries in the refrigerator.

  In a large bowl she blended the cream, butter, sugar, and dry strawberry gelatin. Then she beat four eggs and stirred until her hands ached. Now all that was left to do was create the purée and prepare for baking.

  Violet glanced at the clock. She had just enough time to finish the cake and get dressed before heading in for her shift at the library. Saturdays were usually busy, and that sounded like a good thing for her right now. The best way to clear her mind was to fill it with every day, mindless activities like sorting books and pulling library cards for its patrons.

  My colleagues will love me for bringing this in. Violet smiled down at the cake as she popped it in the oven and set a timer. As she showered and dressed, Violet couldn’t help but think about how big and empty the house would feel without a husband or children to fill it. Perhaps buying this old place was a huge mistake, Violet wondered grumpily. Not only that, but the utility bills were outrageous, and even though she could make it on her own financially, it would not be an easy task. When she made the decision to buy it, she had never planned on taking care of it all by herself.

  Maybe I should get a roommate, she considered. She slipped on her shoes and headed back downstairs to check the timer. She couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to live with Michael Sinclair, but moving in together any time in the future was an unrealistic idea. They had not spoken in days, and although waiting a month to decide on their feelings didn’t seem like much time, it seemed like an eternity to Violet. Furthermore, Alex’s written words resonated through her mind; what if time apart made her and Michael grow apart too?

  In the meantime, maybe she could rent out some space to a roommate. It actually sounded kind of fun, but Violet couldn’t really think of any family, friends, or colleagues that needed a space. Still considering the idea, she pulled the cake from the oven, slathered on the purée, and dashed out the door for work.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  The rattling of keys in the doorway should have been enough to wake her, but on a day like today, Penelope was just too tired to care. Sleep had not come easy last night, and it was nearly dawn by the time her brain finally shut off and permitted her eyes to do the same. With the kids at their friends’ houses and Michael who knows where, she should have been able to spend a Saturday morning in bed, maybe sleeping in for once, or at the very least, sulking alone. But today, she had no such luck. There was someone coming in the front door.

  Penelope was sprawled out on the living room couch when Jeanie Pinkerton stepped over the threshold.

  “I’ll be damned…” Penelope’s mother swore. She shook her head disapprovingly as her eyes scanned over the untidy living area, finally resting on her daughter’s shiftless form on the couch. “This place is a pig sty, Penelope! Just because you have a no-good man in your life, it doesn’t mean you have to just…well, give up on yourself.” Her voice was traced with disdain.

  Penelope groaned and rolled over. “I am not giving up, Mother!” She pulled herself up from the couch. “What are you doing here?” Penelope asked angrily.

  “I’ve been ringing the doorbell for a good ten minutes, s
o I decided to use my key. You are, in fact, the one who gave me the key. As I recall, you said I was welcome to use it whenever I wanted,” her mother replied, picking up clothes and leftover dishes as she talked. Jeanie saw the look on her daughter’s face and stopped cleaning. She sighed and took a seat on the couch. “I’m just worried about you, Honey.”

  Penelope’s anger subsided. On a normal day, her house would have been tidy. And on a normal day, she would have been up and dressed and busying herself with whatever tasks she deemed important that day. But today was not a normal day; it was a downright shitty day. Today she was going to have to tell her daughter the truth—that Michael probably wasn’t coming back, and that once again a father figure that had entered her life would be leaving it unexpectedly.

  It was unusual for Penelope to have a meaningful heart to heart with her mother, and in fact, she couldn’t think of any time they had had such talks. But today, she shared her thoughts with her mother.

  “What should I do, Mom?” Penelope whined.

  “What do you want to do, honey? What do you think would make you most happy?” Jeanie asked her daughter.

  “Michael makes me happy,” Penelope replied softly. She sat there for a moment, chewing her lip. “I have to get him back, Mom.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  After spending the day looking for a job, Lexi couldn’t help feeling discouraged. Oaksdale was a small town, and the few places that were hiring required more experience than she had to offer. Who am I kidding? Lexi wondered. Who, in this town, is going to hire an ex-stripper with a bruised-up face? Ugh, I am utterly pathetic and no one is going to hire me. Lexi wanted to be a part of Elijah and Michael’s lives, if he would have her, but she was not foolish enough to approach them without a job or a place to live.