Be My Baby

by A. L. Michael

  ‘Tell me about her, Moll? Tell me about our daughter?’

  And she did. She talked about her kindness and her intellect, her hopes and dreams. How she wanted to be a marine biologist, but she was also open to being a professional face painter if it meant she got to go to parties for free. That she had learnt to tie her shoelaces before any of the other kids in her class, and that she purposefully played dumb, just so she could say things that would embarrass the adults. Mollie told Jamie about their child, and in many ways, she was showing off all of her hard work. Look what I’ve done, look what I’ve made, all by myself. I was responsible for this child and she’s an amazing person. And even though she knew it wasn’t all down to her, that Esme, by nature, was just excellent, it felt good to prove her worth as a mother, to show him what she could do.

  ‘I don’t want to miss any more, Moll. Please don’t make me miss any more. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it. But I need to know her.’

  Mollie had never been good at refusing an almost-nearly-not-quite weeping soldier, so she topped up his tea and told him she’d think about it, offering him the plate of cookies.

  Chapter Four

  ‘So what exactly is the plan here?’ Evie asked, sipping on a glass of champagne, ‘You’re just going to have Jamie jump out from behind a curtain and we all gasp and say “oh my goodness, it’s your daddy”? Because I think that’s lacking imagination and Ez deserves better.’

  Mollie took a deep breath and shook her head, ‘We haven’t worked out the details. I’m not even sure if I’m going to let him meet her.’

  ‘You’re going to, it’s Jay,’ Evie shrugged. ‘You could never say no to him.’

  ‘It’s not Jay, that’s the point. He’s Captain James MacAllister, army man and all round stranger. My Jamie was probably left in some training camp somewhere, fizzling out whilst Action Man took his place.’

  Evie grinned wickedly, ‘But I bet he’s got abs.’

  ‘Could you guys shut up? I need some dramatic silence ready for my entrance!’ Chelsea called from behind the curtain. They’d seen the dress before, but this was the final fitting and it was meant to be a special moment.

  ‘Okay, we’re ready to be shocked and in awe of your beauty.’ Evie gestured with her champagne glass, ‘Knock us dead.’

  She did, walking out with confidence, Chelsea looked half-bride, half-rockstar. Her dress was minimalist, simple and chic. The top half was like a fitted t-shirt, and then it smoothed and jutted out into a wispy skirt that ruffled as she walked, the slit up the side allowing her to stride confidently. On her feet, she had strappy gold sandals, and the girls grinned, whooped and cheered as she walked up to them.

  ‘You look like some sort of goddess, here to exact revenge,’ Evie smiled, ‘in a good way.’

  ‘Obviously,’ Chelsea rolled her eyes and looked at herself in the mirror. ‘You think it’s okay?’

  ‘Okay? I think someone needs to write a song about that dress,’ Mollie smiled, getting up and looking at her friend’s reflection, ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I would have been happy with Vegas, or an elopement. Instead, lots of fanciness and it’s a big deal and...’

  ‘Babe, you’re getting married at the Camden registry office, then we’re having nibbles and dancing at the gallery. I don’t think it’s quite a royal affair.’

  ‘It’s low key,’ Mollie agreed. ‘Besides, you get to marry Kit and drink champagne all day. Two distinct upsides.’

  ‘But... is the dress too low key, like, I wanted to be me, but I guess I still want to be me on my wedding day,’ Chelsea considered her reflection with doubt, moving this way and that to assess herself.

  ‘Well, I think you need a little more sparkle, but that’s easily fixed!’ Evie grabbed a box from her bag and held it out. ‘Don’t feel obligated, but I made you something... if you hate it, that’s fine. Just don’t tell me.’

  Chelsea opened the box and tried to figure out what it was in the box. It was silver, but beyond that, it was hard to tell.

  ‘It’s a diadem,’ Evie pulled it from the box, carefully placing it on Chelsea’s razor sharp platinum bob, the small crystal hanging at the topmost point of her forehead.

  ‘I look... I look like a warrior. An amazon princess or something. I love it!’ Chelsea preened, watching as the crystals caught the light, ‘No tiaras for me, no way!’

  ‘Except on your hen do, obviously,’ Mollie grinned, holding her thumbs up.

  ‘Speaking of, seeing as we’ve all blown off work anyway, boozy lunch on me?’ Chelsea shrugged, feeling distinctly more special after putting on her warrior princess crown. ‘I want to hear the Jamie plan.’

  ‘There is no Jamie plan,’ Mollie insisted, rolling her eyes. ‘There’s the question of whether or not he gets to be in my daughter’s life when he goes back to the army in a couple of months.’

  ‘Oh come on, Molls, think how happy Esme will be, even if it’s just a pen pal dad,’ Evie put an arm around her friend, ‘and she’ll stop trying to set you up with Wanker Max.’

  ‘He’s not Wanker Max. He’s Mildy-Obnoxious-Kind-of-Cute Max,’ Mollie softened. ‘He texted asking if I wanted to have a drink whilst the girls had a play date. He’s a grown up.’

  ‘Very grown-up. Incredibly responsible parenting right there – who’s watching them if you’re both pissed?’ Chelsea asked, before shaking her head, ‘Nope forget it, I’m getting changed and we’re talking about this over some wine and nachos, and, nope...’ she turned to Mollie, ‘… you are not going to talk about the unhealthiness of nachos or be a bore or tell me how you could adapt them to make them fresh and wholesome. I am a cranky bride who’s been getting text messages three times a day from my future monster-in-law asking if I’ve lost any weight for the wedding yet. So! Nachos and Pinot Grigio, and you’re not stopping me, okay?’

  Evie held her hands up and Mollie nodded, ‘No complaints here. Go put your peasant clothes back on and let’s go.’

  Twenty minutes later, they were sat in a pub on the river, watching the ducks glide in the muddy water. They sat inside, but as close to the window as they could.

  ‘What if you take her to the zoo, accidentally-on-purpose bump into her dad and then you go look at the animals?’ Chelsea shrugged, ‘Best day ever, right?’

  ‘You want her to sandwich meeting her birth father in between the giraffe talk and the penguins feeding time? Are you mad? She’d pick flippers over a father every time.’

  ‘So... family dinner? Introduce Jay as a friend first?’ Evie made a face, ‘Sorry, don’t have a great track record with dads – mine’s a bastard. Kind of wish I didn’t know him.’

  ‘Mine’s a fuck up,’ Chelsea shrugged.

  ‘And mine’s the invisible man.’ Mollie smiled to herself, ‘Do you think that’s the reason we’re friends? Drawn together by the men in our lives who screwed us up?’

  Evie flicked her hair over her shoulder and fixed Mollie with her dark, kohl-rimmed eyes. ‘Um, so the answer is always daddy issues? Screw that. I think we’re friends because we’re all awesome. And we knew how to dream bigger than Badgeley.’

  ‘Molls,’ Chelsea asked, ‘How would you want it to be, if you got to meet your dad?’

  Mollie tucked her hair behind her ear and grinned, ‘When I was a kid, I wanted him to just appear at the fair with one of those huge tigers you win from shooting the tin cans, and for him to be big and strong, and give me a hug and tell me he was sorry, and that he’d missed me.’

  ‘Well, there you go then: apology, sincerity and a fuck off massive tiger. Tell Jamie.’

  ‘Ez isn’t like me, she’s not swayed like that.’

  ‘She’s a kid,’ Evie laughed, ‘Last week she ran around tidying up the living room because I gave her that old sparkly bomber jacket from my cupboard. The kid’s a magpie.’

  ‘Yeah, but a sparkly jacket that belonged to her amazing Auntie Evie, who she loves, means more than a stuffed toy from a stranger.’

 
‘You’d be surprised.’

  ***

  In the end, they didn’t need a plan at all.

  ‘Hey Mum! It’s that guy!’ Esme frowned, pointing across the aquarium at a dark figure standing watching the sharks. It was a Saturday morning, and Mollie had been badgered into taking Esme to the aquarium. She hated London on Saturdays.

  ‘What guy?’ Mollie peered across the dark room of tourists and chattering children.

  ‘That, whatchamacallit... asshat! The asshat who made you cry.’ Esme said triumphantly, calling over to the figure, ‘Hey asshat! Go away!’

  ‘Esme!’ Mollie hushed her, grabbing her arm, ‘Don’t say stuff like that! And don’t shout at random people!’

  Esme rolled her eyes, tugging on her Rolling Stones t-shirt and tucking her thumbs in the pockets of her jeans. ‘But he’s there Mum, look.’

  Mollie turned, and Jamie was shuffling over, looking half shocked and half like he wanted to be sick. He walked like he was going to the headteacher’s office, a look she recognised.

  ‘Were you yelling at me?’ Jamie asked the little girl, frowning.

  ‘Depends if you’re going to make my mum cry again,’ Esme looked at him with her best poker face.

  ‘I would never want to make your mum do that ever again,’ Jamie looked up at Mollie, smiling hopefully. ‘She was my oldest and dearest friend, once upon a time.’

  Esme looked at him with suspicion, this tall stranger with the straight back and the plain, drab clothes.

  ‘Then why haven’t I ever met you?’

  Mollie and Jamie shared a look, and she shrugged, almost imperceptibly.

  ‘We... lost touch before your mum had you... we knew each other at school. From primary school.’

  ‘And why was my mum crying?’ Esme put her hands on her hips and tilted her head, a move so reminiscent of Mollie that Jamie felt his jaw loosen, his eyebrows raise. His chest ached as he looked at her.

  ‘Because...’

  ‘Because,’ Mollie said sternly, raising her eyebrows at her daughter, ‘I was happy and surprised to see him again. And then you ran in screaming, madam, and made him run away, didn’t you?’

  Esme shook her head, ‘That doesn’t make sense, why didn’t you tell me off?’

  ‘Because I understood you were protecting me, sweetheart,’ Mollie pulled her into her side for a half-hug. ‘Now, will you be polite and say hello to Jamie?’

  ‘Hello Jamie,’ Esme looked at him seriously, her light eyes holding his, ‘What’s your favourite fish?’

  ‘Easy, cuttlefish.’

  Esme snorted, ‘That’s not a fish, dummy. They’re cephalopods. Well, actually, they’re molluscs.’

  ‘Oh, well, silly me,’ Jamie grinned at Mollie, who just nodded as if to say yes, that’s just what she’s like.

  ‘Come on then,’ Esme said impatiently, holding out her hand to Jamie. ‘We have to take you to see the cuttlefish, so you can see they’re not fish. Spit spot.’

  ‘Spit spot,’ Jamie nodded, eyes wide as he took her small hand in his and was dragged along behind an insistent eleven-year-old, reaching out for Mollie as they went, his fingertips grazing hers for just a moment, before he realised.

  Mollie felt her heart thump in that moment, but whether it was Jamie’s featherlight touch for the briefest second, or seeing him hold his daughter’s hand as she chattered away, she couldn’t tell.

  She followed them, just watching as Esme talked, her free hand waving about madly as she pointed things out to him, demanding his full attention and stopping if it didn’t look like she had it.

  Jamie looked back at her through the tunnel in the aquarium, water over their heads, held back by the glass as bright fish flittered back and forth, a shark hovering briefly before swishing away. She saw the tears in his eyes, just for a moment, the ‘thank you’ he mouthed to her, before turning back to their daughter, looking at her with such joy as she talked and talked and talked.

  Mollie, in that moment, was transported to another world, an alternative world, where she and Jamie took their daughter to the aquarium before going for dinner and going home, back to the life they had built as she grew up, with both of them.

  How different would Esme have been, having Jamie in her life? Would she have his dorky sense of humour, his mannerisms? Would she wiggle her eyebrows the way he used to, or maybe she’d like a different type of music. Would she have been happier? She certainly wouldn’t be being bullied... but then they wouldn’t be here.

  She remembered the exact moment Esme decided she wanted to be a marine biologist, when she’d been cuddled up at her side one night, and a documentary came on. Mollie had been on the edge of dozing, stroking her daughter’s hair gently. And suddenly she realised Esme hadn’t spoken in an hour. When the show ended, she looked up and said, ‘Mum, that was amazing. That was the most amazing, wonderful thing I’ve ever seen,’ and the next morning, Mollie took her to the seaside, watching as her hair ruffled in the breeze and she jumped as the cold water licked her toes. Maybe she would never have loved the things she loved, if Jamie had been there. Perhaps she would have been tucked up in bed, with him reading her a story, and she would want to be a princess or a witch instead. But would that be better or worse?

  It was exactly what she’d told Jamie not to do. What-ifs don’t achieve anything but sadness and loss. But Mollie felt a deep wariness, a fear that she was letting them into something that could hurt them. That Jamie could waltz into their lives after so long and make Esme love him was one thing, but the idea that he could still do it to her, after so many years had passed, that she would never finish grieving the life they could have had, well... that was unacceptable.

  ‘Mum! Mum, you coming?’ Esme was looking at her strangely, and she realised is must have been weird, her hanging back, letting them be without her. Jamie was meant to be her friend, after all. In some moments it felt so normal to stand beside him and the girl who looked so much like him that she thought her heart would be ripped from her body, and in other moments, she was so furious she could burst into flame. Even if he hadn’t left, even if there was a good reason for that note – which she hadn’t brought up yet – how could he have been so stupid, so easily manipulated? Why was it all so fucking unfair?

  ‘Mum,’ Esme frowned, ‘I said you should stay here and make Jamie read about the fish, okay? I’m just walking right there to see the stingray presentation. You’ll see me the whole time.’

  ‘Okay bub, just don’t go too far.’

  Esme walked over to her mother and looked at her face, ‘You’re not going to cry again, are you? Because we can tell him to go away.’

  ‘Stop being silly, go look at the stingrays.’

  ‘Well, stop your face looking weird,’ Esme stuck out her tongue and ran up to where the talk was already starting.

  Mollie ambled up to Jamie, who had watched Esme go, and stood next to him as she stared at the fish, their determined little tails swishing back and forth, colours flashing through the blue.

  ‘She’s wonderful,’ he said. ‘I mean, my god, she’s just so... alive. And chatty, and full of joy.’

  ‘Careful, she tends to shout at you if you cry, or so I’ve learnt,’ Mollie nudged him with her elbow and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hands, smiling up at the ceiling.

  ‘God, this is embarrassing,’ Jamie looked through the tank, watching as the colourful fish flickered this way and that, moving in tandem, so aware of each other. ‘I often wondered if I’d see you again, and you know, I’d turn up all ripped, declaring myself a war hero and I’d show you how amazing I’d become...’ he laughed, coughing a little. ‘And I feel like my eyes have been watering since I saw you again. I’m a wreck, Molls, an embarrassing wreck.’

  ‘I think it’s nice,’ Mollie nudged him again, her shoulder pushing against his for the briefest minute, ‘it’s an emotional time.’

  ‘At some point she’s going to ask why her mum’s friend keeps crying like a weirdo though,’
he laughed, taking an unsteady breath. ‘Got to get my shit together.’

  They stood in silence, just watching as a turtle swam by, saying nothing as they traced its path.

  ‘Do we tell her?’ he asked, turning to look at her, those bright blue eyes desperate and insistent, ‘I don’t mind if you don’t want to, I get it, I can just be your friend, be her friend. I know I don’t have the right to ask anything of you Molls, and I know we need to talk about all the child support I should have been paying and –’

  Mollie took a deep breath and held up a hand, ‘Jay, let’s not, hey? Not now. Just, come have a nice day with us at the aquarium, yeah?’ She slipped her hand through the crook of his arm, trying not to blush as she remembered all those years of doing that, how she would lean her head on his shoulder as they walked along. ‘Spit spot.’

  ‘Spit spot,’ Jamie nodded, his face breaking out into the most beautiful smile, whilst Mollie tried not to feel anything at all.

  ***

  ‘Fuck fuck, fuckety fuck!’

  Ruby rolled her eyes and tapped on the door, ‘So guess that’s another positive then?’

  ‘Fucking fuck crumpets!’ Mollie’s voice echoed around the school toilets.

  ‘Make sure you chuck it away properly, unless you want to keep it as a memento,’ Ruby drawled, leaning against the door to the girls’ toilets at school, to make sure no one else could get in.

  ‘Yeah, oh, yeah of course I want to keep it as a memento!’ Mollie came out, rolling her eyes, ‘You’re not helping right now!’

  ‘What do you want me to do, Molls? Think a lecture on safe sex is rather pointless right now.’

  ‘Be nice! Be shocked! Be something other than glib!’

  Mollie washed her hands in the sink and stared at her reflection, her long blonde curls frizzing in the heat, her cheeks flushed and her eyes wet. ‘I’ve fucked everything up. Our escape from here, we were all going to get out.’

  ‘You still can,’ Ruby left the door and put an arm around her friend, looking at their faces side-by-side in the mirror. She spoke to Mollie’s reflection. ‘This doesn’t have to mean anything, Molls. It can just be a what-if moment, you know? A path not taken. A blip.’