Be My Baby

by A. L. Michael

‘He also looooooooves Auntie Evie more than anything in the whole world!’ Esme giggled devilishly and made a face, sticking out her tongue. Killian made to grab and tickle her and she shrieked, putting her hands up, ‘I’m kidding, I’m kidding.’

  ‘She’s right, obviously. The kid’s always right,’ he nodded at Esme seriously, and she nodded back. ‘Speaking of my beloved, I’m off to pick her up from the station, she had that meeting with the local council about funding and community... yadda yadda something.’

  ‘Community engagement and fundraising opportunities for next year!’ Mollie corrected from the kitchen, ‘And she’ll be grouchy, she had to wear a smart jacket. So for the love of god don’t say “yadda yadda” to her.’

  Killian grinned as Mollie’s head popped out from the kitchen, ‘Luckily she has your magical chocolate banana bread to come back to, right? And can we please play something that’s not Scrabble today, you know I suck at it.’

  ‘It’s the best way to learn, by losing,’ Esme said seriously, frowning.

  ‘Sure, gang up on the dyslexic,’ Killian rolled his eyes. ‘You guys want anything on the way back? Jamie, do you want a couple of beers or something?’

  The taller man shook his head, shrugging, ‘No thanks, I don’t drink. Cheers though.’

  ‘Cool,’ Killian nodded. ‘In a bit.’

  Esme frowned at him, tugging at her blonde curly ponytail. ‘Why don’t you drink? You can’t share wine with Mum if you don’t drink.’

  Jamie looked between Esme and Mollie, ‘Does she need to share her wine?’

  ‘Yes, duh, otherwise you get drunk,’ Esme shrugged, ‘and then you end up all crazy like Grandma, dancing around to reggae and drinking gin and tonics and then crying a lot.’

  ‘Huh,’ Jamie nodded. ‘Right.’

  ‘Besides, I have Evie and Chelsea to share wine with,’ Mollie came out, brushing her hair back from her face.

  ‘So, they’re gonna be here, for games night?’ Jamie’s voice shook a little as he took a deep breath and grinned, clearly nervous.

  ‘Just Eves and Killian. Chelsea’s up to her eyeballs in wedding plans and is not the happiest of bunnies right now,’ Mollie grinned.

  ‘We would not subject you to such an atrocity,’ Esme nodded seriously, and then grinned at her mum, who nudged her with her hip.

  ‘You can tell which smarty pants normally wins at Scrabble.’

  Jamie simply stared at them both for a moment, a small smile playing about his mouth as he tilted his head to the side. Mollie was shocked by how well she remembered that look. He was thinking, considering all the options. And she had no idea what he was going to say.

  Which in the end was just, ‘So, where’s this fab banana bread I’ve been hearing about?’

  ‘I’ll get it,’ Mollie shrugged, heading off to the kitchen, still wondering what that look had been about. The last time, he’d been doing maths. How much they needed to make, how much they could save up in nine months, what the average childcare maintenance grant was... he liked to research, liked a plan, he always had. And now he was doing the numbers again, and something wasn’t adding up.

  She unwrapped the tin foil and looked at the perfectly golden loaves, speckled with chocolate chips, inhaling the sweet smell of banana as she checked how hot the pans were, and tipped them out gently.

  She felt him before she heard him.

  His chin was over her shoulder, looking down at her creations and she could smell his cologne, something grown-up and manly, mixed with soap and dry earth. He smelled... masculine. It was the only way she could describe it. She almost felt a little nostalgic for the Lynx body spray he used to douse himself in, like every other teenage boy.

  ‘They look amazing,’ he said quietly, assuming a church-like reverence.

  ‘Why are you whispering?’ Mollie whispered.

  ‘Respect to the bread, Molls, obviously,’ he laughed, those light eyes twinkling, the lines around his eyes more prominent because of the tan. She could feel the warmth of him as he stood there, just looking at her.

  ‘What was that look for earlier?’ Mollie said suddenly, stepping back. ‘I know that look.’

  ‘What look?’

  ‘The head-tilt, “I don’t like the maths on this” look.’

  Jamie laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, ‘You know, that’s exactly what it was. I did the maths.’

  ‘On what?’

  ‘On you guys,’ he gestured between Mollie and the closed kitchen door. ‘You’ve had eleven years of in jokes and history and love. And I’m not sure there’s room for me there, to learn the jokes and be part of it. I don’t want to break it, it’s like a sacred thing. Like they say, three’s a crowd.’

  ‘That’s not how it is, I mean, you’re upset because I have a great relationship with my child? The child I raised alone for all these years?’ Mollie tried to stamp down on the frustration, the unkind words she felt ready to pour from her, but it was too much. Why did he get to be the victim? Why was it suddenly that he’d missed out, when she’d been heartbroken too? Why didn’t it get to be about her?

  Because, Mollie realised as she watched the man suddenly deflate and nod, it didn’t get to be about either of them. It got to be about Esme, and what she wanted.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Jamie said, shrugging, those broad shoulders lifting briefly and then releasing as he held her gaze. ‘I’m sad and I’m thrilled and I’m jealous and I’m scared and I’m elated and I’m ashamed.’

  They laughed quietly, stilted and awkward.

  ‘Pretty much every emotion humans can have, I’m feeling all of them. Which my shrink will be thrilled about, and I hate that.’

  Mollie snorted, shaking her head.

  ‘I want there to be space for me, but I also don’t want there to have been a hole where I should have been...’ Jamie shook his head, ‘And I don’t get to want anything.’

  ‘Look, maybe we need to sort out how we want to do this together, as adults. Maybe get coffee next week and talk about how we’re going to tell her?’

  Jamie’s smile briefly lit up, and he reached to squeeze her hand, the briefest brush of her fingers by his callused palms making her heart beat faster.

  ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘But for now, why don’t we just go and play board games and eat banana bread?’ Mollie smiled, placing the slices of cake neatly onto a plate as Jamie’s hand rested on the door handle to let them out. He pressed down, jiggled the handle, and nothing happened. The smile fell from his face, and he tried again.

  ‘Um, I think it’s stuck.’

  ‘It’s not...’ Mollie desperately jiggled the handle, then called through the door, ‘Ez, are you there baby?’

  There were a few moments of silence, then a small voice said, ‘Yes? The door’s stuck. A gust of wind blew it.’

  ‘Babe, can you try and open it from your side?’ Mollie was trying not to panic. The kitchen was small, sure, but it led out onto the conservatory, so it wasn’t like they were trapped, though the back door keys were not in the conservatory, but on the key hook by the front door, meaning there was no way out that way. Crud.

  ‘It’s too heavy,’ Esme’s voice sounded strange. ‘Guess you’ll just have to make the most of it. Have a nice time chatting, eat some banana bread. Your wine’s in there, isn’t it Mum?’

  ‘Yes...’ Mollie narrowed her eyes, looking back at Jamie. ‘Esme, you know scheming gets little girls into trouble?’

  ‘But it’s also very brave Mama!’ the little voice said sweetly, getting further away.

  Mollie pursed her lips and yelled, ‘You’re so grounded kid! You have no idea how grounded you are!’

  The little voice was near the door, insanely practical as Esme pointed out, ‘Well that’s certainly not going to make me open the door.’

  ‘It’ll be fine, Molls,’ Jamie’s hand hovered at her back, and he turned towards the door, ‘What do you want us to do, Esme? What’s the game?’

  She wa
s quiet for a moment, and Jamie and Mollie simply looked at each other, waiting for an answer.

  ‘Just... have a nice time. Have a chat. I dunno.’

  ‘We were doing that before you locked us in here,’ Mollie said sternly. ‘We were going to continue to do that once we came out. Now, instead, you’ve made us stressed and you’ve made me mad. So explain yourself.’

  They waited again, moving closer to the door.

  ‘You’re being really unfair Mum!’ she could tell her daughter was impassioned, her bargaining voice was coming into play, and she would try to dance and dive until she got her way. Esme was a pro. ‘I’m trying to do something nice for you, so you can catch up with your old friend, and now Olivia’s dad’s going to be lonely and we don’t get to be sisters, but I don’t mind, because I’m being grown-up and nice, aren’t I? But you’re being very ungrateful Mum...’ she trailed off and Mollie knew, the instant before she said it, what phrase she was going to use.

  ‘Oh boy, here it comes,’ Mollie whispered to Jamie. ‘You’ll love this.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Just wait for it.’

  Esme cleared her throat and adopted a deeply sad voice, ‘Well the thing is Mum, I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.’

  Mollie rolled her eyes and muttered to Jamie, ‘A freaking angel child for eleven years, and you turn up and she decides to show me up.’

  She looked at him, but he was shaking, his fist against his mouth as his hissed, the laughter bubbling up, his shoulders shaking.

  Mollie shoved him, ‘Oh shut up.’

  ‘You created a monster, Molls! She’s too intelligent! It’s dangerous!’ Jamie wiped his eyes, still chuckling, ‘I mean, how many times have you said you were disappointed?’

  ‘Twice. And it’s somehow the worse thing, isn’t it? It’s like bringing out the big guns.’

  Jamie snorted, and Mollie raised an eyebrow.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re laughing about, she totally got that stubborn streak from you. That time we drove half the way to Cardiff because you wouldn’t admit you’d read the map wrong?’

  Jamie’s jaw dropped, ‘Excuse me, Miss, the girl who vomited on ‘X No Way Out’ at Thorpe Park, and then stood in line for another hour to prove she could go on it without spilling her guts? You didn’t even like rides!’

  ‘Nope, it’s totally you. Last week I asked her to clean her teeth and she stuck her nose in the air and said, “Mother, I have cleaned my teeth. If you can’t trust me, then that’s your problem”,’ Mollie laughed, ‘I remember you using that line more than once. You’ve got to take responsibility for your half of the genetics here.’

  ‘Gladly,’ Jamie grinned, leaning back on the door frame and feeling the door give beneath him.

  The kitchen door swung open to reveal Esme, standing there, staring at him like she’d never really seen him before. Her eyes traced his hairline, his nose and neck. She took in his height and the colour of his clothes, down to his shoes.

  Mollie looked at her and felt her heart ache, her baby girl putting the puzzle together.

  ‘I thought you were here because Mum wanted to date you and wanted me to be okay with it,’ Esme said faintly, addressing Jamie, her neck craning as she looked up at him. ‘But you’re here because you’re my dad.’

  Jamie fell to his knees in front of her, holding himself back from grasping at her arms, ‘I didn’t know, Esme, I swear to you. I didn’t know or I would have been here. I would have been here every day, every minute. I’m so sorry.’

  She stepped closer to him, so that their blue eyes were level, and Mollie felt herself freeze in the moment, wondering what her daughter would do. If she would throw her arms around him, or storm off. She could see the tension in Jamie’s arms – he wanted to hold her, he wanted to reach out and beg for forgiveness, but he was stopping himself, trying not to overwhelm her. It was in that moment, she saw the army in him, the control of his body, when his head and heart were screaming for something else.

  Esme stepped close, staring into one eye and she obviously found what she was looking for, because she stepped back, nodded and held out a hand, ‘Well, it’s very nice to meet you.’ Jamie shook it, looking at Mollie in shock whilst Esme nodded once.

  And then she ran.

  After saying goodbye to Jamie, telling him she’d be in touch, and explaining to a confused Evie and Killian, who had just walked through the door, Mollie went into her daughter’s room. It was lit softly, purple fabric floating down over her bed from the ceiling, the little battery-powered candles flickering as if they were real. Esme was normally found curled up on her window seat, absorbed in a book, reaching into the hidden compartment beneath for the chocolate bars she thought her mum knew nothing about. But instead, she was just a little curled up lump under her duvet, shaking a little with the sobs she was desperately trying to muffle.

  ‘Esme...’ Mollie sat on the bed, curling around her daughter, reaching for her under the blanket. Her head popped up from under the duvet, red and tear-streaked, her glasses askew and her blonde hair across her face. Mollie stroked her hair back and wiped her face, making those shushing noises that mothers just seemed to make, no matter how old their child got.

  ‘It’ll be all right baby...’ she stroked her daughter’s hair as she moved closer.

  ‘All right?’ Esme rolled over to face her mother, red eyes painful and swollen, ‘He’s my dad, the man I’ve wondered about and wanted to meet my whole life! And... and I – I shook his ha-aa-aand!’ She howled suddenly, the tears coming back in full force, and Mollie tried to hide the smile, that of all things, it was a social faux pas that Esme was embarrassed about. Yep, definitely her daughter.

  ‘I thought it was pretty cool, you know,’ Mollie said, ‘I mean, it was unexpected. Memorable.’

  ‘Mum! Not helping!’ Esme buried her head under the pillow, ‘I looked like an idiot!’

  ‘But you weren’t worried about that when you locked your mother in the kitchen with a strange man?’ Mollie rolled her eyes, and tapped Esme’s arm gently, ‘And when you’re not so upset, we’re going to have words about that. I wasn’t joking about being grounded.’

  Esme wiped under her eyes and her breathing quietened, ‘But what if I stay upset forever. You can’t ground me then?’

  ‘But then you’d waste forever being sad, which seems a silly thing for a very smart girl to do.’ Mollie shrugged, sitting up against the header of Esme’s bed, waiting for her daughter to curl up on her as she often had.

  ‘... He really didn’t know?’ Esme sniffled, not looking at her mother but focusing carefully on the wall.

  ‘That seems to be the case,’ Mollie said slowly.

  ‘But you’re not sure?’

  ‘It... it all fits, what he said. And you saw how sad he was, Ez. I honestly believe he didn’t know you existed.’ Doesn’t mean he wasn’t going to leave me anyway, if that note was anything to go by, Mollie thought to herself, then pushed it away. It was about Esme. ‘He’s a nice guy, baby. He wants to get to know you. And who can blame him?’

  ‘Do I really get my stubborn nature from him?’ Esme looked up at her mother’s brown eyes, thinking back to that strange man’s light blue eyes, the ones that looked so much like her own.

  ‘You are terribly unlucky, young lady, because you are doubly stubborn, you get that from both of us.’

  They sat in silence for a moment, Esme resting her head on her mother’s lap, Mollie stroking her hair gently, her fingertips running from the scalp to the tendrils, letting the light, smooth strands line up perfectly, then be swept away again.

  ‘Would you be upset if I wanted to know him a bit better?’ Esme said, her voice wavering a little, ‘Because I won’t if you don’t want me to.’

  ‘Baby, why do you think he was here in the first place?’

  ‘Because you fancy him,’ Esme shrugged.

  ‘No,’ Mollie sighed, silently wishing for infinite patience. ‘He was here so he could tell
you who he was, and you can decide if he gets to be part of your life.’

  ‘If you say so,’ Esme grinned suddenly, sticking out her tongue.

  Chapter Six

  ‘Okay, so I was thinking my uncle would take me on, in construction, until I figure something out,’ Jamie was sitting cross-legged on the floor, hunched over his laptop. Mollie was perched awkwardly on the chair, looking around at his room and wondering why it was always so clean.

  ‘Construction?’

  ‘I used to help him out in the summers, I stopped because Mum wanted me to focus on studying, but...’

  ‘Well maybe you should, maybe you should go and study.’

  Mollie folded her arms, feeling irritable and unsure as to why Jamie’s grand plans were starting to annoy her.

  ‘And I will, once our child is talking and walking and I can focus on other stuff. This is the priority right now, Molls. Maybe we could defer studying for a year, and then reassess? I’ll call UCAS and see what the deal is.’

  ‘But–’

  ‘And there’s always part-time courses, I think I’ll probably end up being a teacher anyway, so I could train for that, and then if you wanted to do your drama course, maybe they have short courses, or stuff at the weekends? I’ll look into it.’

  She could see him writing it down, adding it to his list.

  ‘I can’t study drama now! What’s the point?’

  Jamie frowned at her, looking up and meeting her eyes dead-on, ‘You love it, Molls, that’s the point. This isn’t the end. It’s the beginning.’

  ‘I’m not being like my mother, and putting myself first whilst my kid struggles,’ Mollie uncrossed and recrossed her arms, tapping her foot on the floor.

  ‘And you won’t have to. You put the kid first, and I’ll put you first.’

  ‘And then who puts you first?’ Mollie asked softly.

  Jamie smiled at her, ‘I’ve never needed much Molls, and actually, I think this could be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My dad’s been gone most of my childhood, moving from base to base. Sometimes we’d go with him, sometimes he’d be posted abroad... I don’t want to be that. I just want to be there. Every day, I want to be there.’