The Hands We're Given

by O E Tearmann

  "Look. I'm sorry. I'm just new here. And with everything, I- Trust doesn't come easy."

  The doctor stared at him for a long, long moment. The silence added weight to his words when he broke it. "You're right. It doesn't come easy. But you need to be aware that it doesn't come easy to the people on this base, either. Check the enlistment and duty dates. Most of us never had a commander aside from Taylor. Now Sector Personnel has sent us two bastards in two months. And you haven't given us any reason to trust you yet."

  He placed an oddly gentle hand on Aidan's shoulder in response to the unconscious jerk of Aidan's back. "Now, I'm not saying you won't. But this is the situation you've got. I think you should know that, before you give yourself a panic attack or something. You've got sixteen people in various stages of the grieving process, and that's been aggravated with the interim commanders. This is not about you. This is bigger than you. I know Magnum. I know he wouldn't have overridden the Sector personnel officer and assigned you here if he didn't think you had a fighting chance. Understand?"

  Aidan slowly looked up. The thump of his heart in his ears sounded deafening in the quiet of the med bay. But, beyond the unnerving implants, Damian seemed genuine, and concerned. In fact, the doctor seemed to be saying that he wanted to be on Aidan's side. Aidan licked his lips.

  "I guess you'd know better than I would."

  "Yeah. I would," Damian agreed, his voice flat, but the hint of a smile on his lips. "The question is, are you going to listen to me?"

  "It's the least I can do if you're going to keep my secret." Aidan smiled, a little wobbly, and pinned his hands between his knees to hide their shaking. "How are you going to get the testosterone on the req lists without raising eyebrows?"

  The doctor shrugged dismissively. "Hypogonadism is written into your official records. And our requisitions division has only failed to get me what I needed twice in five years. You can relax. You'll get what you need. So, are you going to take off your shirt, or are we going to waste the rest of the day memorizing each other's faces?"

  Aidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wanted to get this exam over with, and he had to trust someone on this base if he was going to survive. Might as well be Damian. He yanked his shirt off in one smooth movement, then grabbed the hem of the compression mesh and carefully worked it up over his head.

  It was a physical relief to be out of the binder, for a moment. The seams were really beginning to dig in too much. He'd have to find some way to get a new one. All the same, it took all his self control not to fold his arms over his chest to hide his breasts.

  The medical officer's gloved fingers ran quick and professional over Aidan's throat, under his armpits, down his spine. Then he grabbed a stethoscope and pressed the cold circle of metal against Aidan's back. "Deep breath. If you have any other medical needs, now's the time to ask questions. And get to that debrief you were supposed to be giving me, maybe."

  Aidan waited until the stethoscope had left his skin to clear his throat. Medical needs? Yeah, he needed a new body. But considering what the conservative Corps did to people who performed transition surgeries outside Zoncom and TechoCo territory and the short leash the permissive Corporations kept their specialists on, the people who did that kind of work were almost impossible to find. He hadn't found anyone, anyway, not even someone who could get rid of these damn breasts. Damian wouldn't be able to help.

  But according to Commander Magnum there were people who could do the work on his body that he needed. It had been the promise that had gotten him into Command training: serve as a commander, try it for at least a month, and you'll get the procedures.

  It had been a hell of a carrot. He'd had to bite, to find out if it was true.

  One month. He just had to get through one month.

  The only thing Damian could give him, he didn't want. He had convinced Magnum he didn't need psych treatment on top of the transition meds. He wasn't going to blow that by making Damian think he was too anxious to do his job. He could handle this. He just had to calm the hell down. Focus on the debrief. Right. "Yeah. I was just looking for a rundown of your department. Things you need, anything I can do to help. That sort of thing."

  This time, Damian looked up, surprise wrinkling his brow. Again, the barest hint of a smile twitched his lips upward. "You can get dressed now. How closely did you read that record-breaking disciplinary list?"

  Aidan shrugged a little and reached for his binder, eager to get covered again. "I started skimming halfway through."

  "Well, read a little more closely. A lot of those write-ups are for stimulant abuse. A few more are for concealing medical injuries and conditions that degraded performance. I wrote most of those disciplinary actions." Standing, Damian stripped off his gloves. "I hate writing those things. What I need is help cutting down the number of write-ups I need to fill out. That's where you come in."

  Aidan pulled the binder back on and adjusted his breasts under the rough mesh, ensuring they flattened down as much as possible. "How can I help?"

  "You can help me watch out for people doing their best to work themselves to death," Damian replied wearily, "because they will. Watch for twenty-four-hour work days. Watch for the martyr act when our supplies get low. More than one of the crew will decide to save rations by eating and drinking less. And more than that, you need an understanding of what you're seeing.

  "You need to understand that the people here are trying to cope with psych trauma, and they don't do it well." Damian tossed his gloves in a bin without looking. "Lazarus and his cousin, Yvonne, handle it by pulling pranks. Janice and Kevin handle it by working nights and biting off heads. I can keep listing symptoms, but you get the idea. You're not seeing insubordination. Well, you are. But it's a symptom. What you're seeing is psych trauma in action. You'll help everyone if you remember it."

  Aidan pulled his shirt on over his binder and spent a few moments fussing with the fabric to give himself time to consider that. Psych trauma? Was that what that memo had been? Just acting out because that was how Lazarus dealt with things? "And you think… He doesn't know, does he? About me?"

  "Lazarus?" Damian gave a small snort of a laugh. "That's what raised your pulse rate? Laz's memo? Commander, if you take Lazarus seriously you'll give yourself ulcers in a week."

  Aidan let his shoulders slump in relief. So it had just been a joke in poor taste. Lazarus hadn't meant anything. He was still safe. He had still screwed up with Kevin, and the situation was still far from ideal, but at least he didn't have to worry about getting cornered and beat up or worse. That was something. "Thanks."

  "Just doing my job, sir." The ocular implants whirred again as Damian studied him. "Going back to your earlier question. Taylor hated his first name, but he always called us by ours unless somebody was in the shit. Then they got their full names read over the loudspeaker. I like keeping that up, if you're comfortable with it. And what title do you prefer? Commander? Headly?"

  "Aidan's fine," he assured with a weak smile. It was a name he'd chosen for himself. Might as well put it to good use. And maybe not being the commander all the time would help the base feel more comfortable with him. After all, the interim commanders had all been rigid with their chain of command. It looked like the Wildcards needed something a little different.

  Damian nodded, giving Aidan the first honest smile he'd seen on the man as he reorganized his tools, which had been pretty well organized to begin with. "Aidan it is, then. And I meant what I said about the sense of humor around here. Don't take it seriously, and don't take it personally. I've gotten glued to my chair and somebody left a plastic toupé and a pair of eyeball sunglasses they printed outside my door last week. Basically, welcome back to middle school."

  Aidan relaxed a little more and let his smile grow more genuine. Damian really was in his corner. Maybe he could make this work after all, with at le
ast one ally. "I appreciate the advice."

  The man shrugged, closing his tools in a cabinet. "No problem. And, in fact, the toupé doesn't look that bad either. Of course, I'm still going to make Yvonne regret the day she was born for that one." The medical officer nodded in the direction of his door. "I think we covered everything. I'm done if you are."

  Aidan almost grinned. He'd made it through the exam without issue, and he seemed to have actually won over the medical officer. That was one part of the day that had gone better than expected. He slid off the table and held his hand out. "Damian? Thank you."

  For a moment, the bony man studied him. Then he took the offered hand and shook. "Thank you for exceeding my expectations. Do me a favor and keep doing it."

  "I'll try." Aidan wasn't sure how he was exceeding expectations when the day had been one big clusterfuck so far, but, if Damian thought he was doing alright… Well, maybe this post was still salvageable. He just had to hope he kept from putting his foot in his mouth for the rest of the day.

  "By the way, who're you meeting with later?" Damian asked as he switched off his tab.

  Aidan glanced at his own device. "Looks like the hydroelectrics specialist."

  The lean man snorted, deliberately not looking at his new commander. "Good luck with that one."

  The tone of his voice made Aidan's stomach lurch. Maybe he'd started the celebration a bit too soon.

  Event File 6

  File Tag: Base Function

  Timestamp:12:00-4-2-2155

  Damian's words echoed in Aidan's mind as he shuffled down the hallway, hands in his pockets and head down. "Good luck with that one." What was that supposed to mean?

  He knew Janice Danvers, the hydroelectric specialist, was the worst of the worst as far as disciplinary write-ups on the base, but she hadn't actually hit one of the interim commanders with a wrench, had she?

  Aidan groaned. For a moment, he dug his fingers into his forehead, using the pressure to remind himself to keep breathing. He was a commander now, damn it. He could handle this.

  Footsteps sounded down the hall and Aidan straightened with a jerk. The last thing he wanted was one of his new subordinates seeing him freak out like this.

  The people who turned the corner were worse than he'd expected: Damian's younger siblings, Dilly and Donny, twelve years old and the only non-combatants who had gotten themselves on the official disciplinary rosters.

  The two pre-teens were chattering happily over something in Donny's hands. For a moment, Aidan was certain they'd just walk right past him and he could slip by unnoticed.

  Then Dilly looked up, and her dark brown eyes went wide. She elbowed her twin brother hard and they both stopped walking, staring at Aidan as if he'd just threatened to eat them.

  Aidan did his best to smile. He was only thirteen years older than them. This shouldn't be that difficult, right? It wasn't like anyone had asked him to babysit.

  He still couldn't believe there were kids here. Most bases as involved in Grid runs as the Wildcards had some sort of policy in place to send kids up to R&R bases until they hit sixteen. No kid should have to grow up on the front lines of a sixty-year war that wasn't stopping any time soon. But leave it to the Wildcards to break the rules.

  "Uh, hey," he managed.

  Donny quickly shoved whatever he held in his pocket and saluted with his free hand. The motion was crisp and quick, as if someone had been giving him lessons and he was eager to show off. "Commander Headly, sir!"

  Aidan almost winced at the military emphasis in the kid's voice. God, it was as bad as the base his dad used to command, where you had to salute by the age of five. Donny was non-com. No kid his age should sound like a seasoned soldier.

  All the same, Aidan forced a smile and a return salute. "At ease. Um. Don't let me keep you."

  Dilly studied him for a long moment, then lifted her chin defiantly. "We're not going to be bullied by you."

  "What?" Aidan blinked at her.

  "You heard her," Donny said just as emphatically. He gave Aidan a look reminiscent of one Damian had given him just moments before, mild irritation and disbelief. "Laz said you were stupid, but not deaf."

  Aidan raked his fingers through his hair. What the hell was going on? Lazarus, the same guy who'd make a crack about putting him in a dress, had told the twins that he was stupid, too? He really had to have a talk with this bastard, whether or not these pranks were the coping mechanism the doctor had them down as.

  But he had a more immediate problem: two kids who looked dead-set on causing trouble. Of course he had to run into another crisis on his way to the most intimidating debrief on his list. Why had he hoped the universe would give him a few minutes to decompress beforehand? Maybe he really was stupid.

  "Look. Dilly. Donny. I have no idea who's told you what, but I have no intention of bullying anyone. Okay?" Aidan took a breath and let it out slowly. He squared his shoulders, trying to look more in charge than he felt. "My job here is to make sure everyone can do their jobs to the best of their abilities. That includes the two of you."

  Dilly rolled her eyes. "We don't have jobs."

  Aidan opened his mouth to remind her that they had the Duster educational programming and optional vocational training on their tabs, but the squirming in Donny's pocket distracted him. He closed his eyes and ran one hand over his face. "What's in your pocket, Donny?"

  "Nothing!" he said, even as he clamped his free hand over the moving fabric. After a moment he tacked on, "Sir!"

  "I can see it moving." Aidan gave the twins what he hoped was a stern look and folded his arms. "What is it?"

  "We're not going to be bullied by you!" Dilly repeated, half-shouting it this time. She grabbed her brother's arm and ran, yanking him around Aidan and down the hall.

  Aidan whipped around to try and stop them, but they were around the corner before he got their names out. He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall. On top of everything, now he'd have to keep his eyes out for some sort of small animal, assuming the twins didn't accidentally squash it or run some sort of experiment on it. Didn't Dilly's file say she was learning to help Damian in the med lab?

  God, he hoped whatever they'd caught didn't have rabies or something.

  Making a mental note to ask Damian to reprimand his siblings for him, Aidan hauled himself back on track, tugged his uniform shirt straight, and continued the long walk to the hydroelectric specialist's office.

  The door was cracked open when he arrived, allowing a long string of muttered curses in an oddly affectionate tone to slip out into the corridor. It almost sounded like the woman was talking to a pet. Crap, not another prohibited animal he'd have to deal with. Please, let it not be another animal.

  Aidan sucked in a breath and cautiously tapped on the doorframe. "Specialist Danvers?"

  Janice Danvers' voice yelped the most creative curse Aidan had ever heard and metal clanged. A moment later, the wiry woman ripped the door open and demanded, "D'you got any goat-fucking clue what'd happen if I slipped with the soldering gun on the photoelectric plate? We'd be fucked to high heaven! Those things ain't handed out like fucking candy, and what the hell does a closed door mean to…"

  She paused, pushing up the heavy welding visor she wore. Her spine straightened and she cleared her throat. "Oh. Commander. Uh. Need somethin'?"

  Aidan cleared his throat and tried not to feel too proud of himself for standing his ground. The hydroelectrics officer was tall, muscled, and the streak of oil on her cheek looked like a well-defined bruise. He could believe she had actually hit someone with a wrench. Hell, he'd believe it if someone told him she fought in the Dissolution Riots. She looked like she could have held her own way back then.

  He cleared his throat. "Got time for your debrief? I know I'm running a little late."

  "Got work t'do." Janice folded her arms. "Make it quick."
<
br />   "Mind if I come in?" Aidan glanced meaningfully at the room behind her. He didn't particularly want to hold a debrief meeting in the hallway, but he wasn't about to trespass in her space without permission. Not with her record.

  Her eyes narrowed just a little. For a long moment, she glowered at him as if that could scare him off. Finally, she nodded once and stepped back to allow him entry.

  "Don't touch nothin'," she added in a thick American AgCo accent that turned her words into a drawl. "All this shit's fragile, 'specially if you don't know what the fuck you're doin'."

  "I'll keep that in mind," Aidan promised, shoving his hands pointedly in his pockets. He stepped inside and nearly choked on the thick air smelling of rain, hot metal and sweat. How the hell could she work in here? It had to be the hottest room on the base. Clearing his throat again, he awkwardly lowered himself into the one empty chair he could see. "Right. So. Let's get to the point. What can I do for you?"

  Janice remained near the door, leaning against the wall. The same emotion Aidan had seen so often today flickered over her face for a brief moment-pleasant surprise mixed with wariness-but was quickly replaced by what seemed to be a baseline scowl. "You can not tell me how to do my fuckin' job, for starters."

  Aidan nodded and, after a moment of hesitation, decided to risk a joke. Maybe that would keep her from pulling out any makeshift weaponry. "That's what you're here for, isn't it? To do your job so I don't have to."

  "Try tellin' that to the other asswipes they sent us." Janice snorted, giving her head a shake. She studied him for a long moment, then tipped her chin toward the door. "If there's nothin' else, I got to get back to work."

  Aidan chewed the inside of his cheek as his mind kicked into gear. He couldn't let those be the only words he had with her. Sure, there was time to get to know her on a personal level later, but he needed to make sure he had her trust as a commander if he was going to make this work. Which meant he had to spend more time with her, figure out what was happening, and keep his desire to get out of this room from overcoming him.