The Hands We're Given

by O E Tearmann

  File Tag: Due Consideration

  Timestamp:10:45-7-5-2155

  "She wants what?"

  Aidan's voice sounded wrong in his own ears.

  "An in-person meeting with you, on the Grid, before she decides if she'll come on with us," Kevin repeated carefully, watching his commander with wary eyes across the desk. "That is, if you approve my presentation of recruitment purpose to Sector and they approve us taking her on. It's got its risks but given the edge her work could give us…"

  Aidan didn't hear the rest of what Kevin was saying. An on-Grid meeting. On Grid, where you needed to have a Citizen Card coded to your genome to access anything. If security personnel from any of the Corps got nervy and decided to run a DNA sampler over his hand to check his genome against the card, if a store employee didn't like his attitude and decided to log the Citizen Card he was carrying and a sample of his DNA from something he touched? If they saw the mismatch between his appearance and his goddamn chromosomes?

  He'd be detained.

  He'd be dead.

  Worse than dead, depending on which Corporation caught him. If it was EagleCorp or AgCo with their Morality Laws, if it was Cavanaugh and their Perfection Mandate, he wouldn't just be dead. He'd be made an example of. Because he wasn't just a Duster. A Duster was simply the enemy. But him?

  He was an aberration in their eyes. A perversion to frighten their people with. Something to destroy as publicly as possible.

  He'd seen too many vids of what the Corps did with morality executions in his life. Anything was better than dying like that, as some sick moral-lesson sideshow broadcast on the news streams for days.

  "Is something the matter?"

  Aidan snapped his attention back, realizing how fast he was breathing. Kevin was staring at him, brow creased.

  "Sir-sorry, Aidan? Are you-"

  "Fine," Aidan managed. "Fine, sorry, it's just… Sorry, I was just trying to work it out in my head, I…" He swallowed hard. "So she won't- she won't do a vid call?"

  "She says vid calls are too easy to fake, and I'll admit she does have a point," Kevin replied cautiously, watching him with knit brows.

  Could the guy see how frightened he was? God, he hoped not, but the answer was probably yes.

  Aidan nodded, swallowing to try to get some moisture into his burning throat.

  "Maybe we could schedule an off-Grid meeting, somewhere on one of the back roads? I'm-I'm really not liking the idea of going on-Grid with the Command-level information in my head. I kind of don't like the idea of what they could get out of me if the Corps made us."

  Yes. He had the perfect defense as commander. After all, what any Corporation would do to any base commander wouldn't be pretty. Maybe not as ugly as what they'd do to someone like him, but worth being afraid of, right?

  Across the desk, Kevin nodded slowly, eyes distant. Methodically, he took off his glasses and polished them as he spoke. "Not that I'm disagreeing with you, sir, but I'm not sure if… Well, why don't we speak to Jazz about it? I can schedule a vid-call with her for us this afternoon?"

  Aidan jerked his head in a nod. "Yeah. Thank you. That sounds good."

  Kevin nodded, but he rose from his seat slowly, standing behind the chair.

  "Sir- Sorry, Aidan. I want you to know that I've executed maneuvers of this level in the past with Commander Taylor and other base commanders. If you have any specific concerns just let me know and I can plan for them. But as much as I can assure anything, I'll assure your safety if you do decide to proceed. I know my work."

  Specific concerns? Aidan had to tamp down the urge to burst out laughing. If Kevin only knew.

  But if he did know- No. Not an option.

  "Thanks, Kevin," Aidan managed finally. "This isn't about my doubting your skills, it's just…" He ran a hand over his hair, sighed, drew a breath. "Let's see what your contact says, okay? If she turns other options down we'll worry about plan B then."

  Carefully, Kevin nodded. "Of course."

  When he was gone, Aidan closed the door of his office, and let himself have a minute alone with his eyes squeezed shut, working on his breathing.

  "Fuck that noise." On the other side of their connection, Jazz shook her head hard enough to make her beaded dreadlocks clack.

  "Jazz, come on. It's-" Kevin began, but their contact cut him off.

  "Don't you ever listen, genius? Do I gotta spell it out?"

  "That would probably help, yes," Kevin retorted tartly. "Because, as of now, I have no idea why you're being insufferably cagey about something as pedestrian as-"

  "Jesus, shut up, man," Jazz growled, shooting a glance at Aidan. "Commander Headly, um. Yeah, sorry. But this isn't going to fly."

  Aidan was glad he'd stuffed his hands in his pockets. No one could see them shaking there. "Can we-" He cleared his throat and tried again. "Can we get a reason?"

  Jazz blew out a long breath. "Well, yeah, the reason is, before I brought them in, I found these two girls down under a bridge wearing blue jumpsuits that read 'Property of TechoCorp, Proprietary Information Contained.' And, if I start parading them all over the Co-Wy, what do you think's gonna happen?"

  Beside him, Kevin stiffened. "Jazz," he stated very quietly. "You didn't tell me these girls were detainees."

  "No shit, CSI," the mech'n'tech retorted sourly. "I'm good at not telling people things that get other people shot. But, yeah. They were detainees. And now they think you guys are Jesus an' the fucking Saints coming to get them off the Grid, 'cause they don't know they'd be going out of the shitter and into the sewer with you people."

  "Lovely analogy," Kevin replied dryly. His contact eyed him coldly.

  "Don't start with me, man. You're on my last nerve."

  Kevin held up his hands in surrender. "Sorry, Jazz. Really. It's only… This does complicate things."

  "Yeah, Captain Obvious, it does." Jazz let out another long, hard sigh, turning to stare at Aidan through the screen. Slowly, her shoulders slumped. "Look. Commander. These are babies. The Corps already fucked them over once. I don't want to fuck them over again. They're safe with me. They're doing good work. They're making good cred and so am I. But Tweak wants on with you guys if you're legit. And Billie does what Tweak says, and I'm not their owner. I won't make them stay. So, do you want these kids?"

  Aidan's throat felt like it had a cord tied around it. The contact and his officer were staring at him. Waiting for him.

  These girls were waiting too. This girl. This amazing asset that could do better code than anyone in the Region.

  Waiting.

  On-Grid.

  Slowly, he nodded. "Yeah. We want them." He cleared his throat. "We'll get approval from Sector and be in touch about the plan for extraction. Thank you for working with us on this, Jazz. We'll make sure you get a decent pay package."

  "You'll make sure these babies are safe," the tech replied coldly. "I'm tired of seeing little kids get fucked over. By the Corps and you people." With a last glare, she slapped her hand against the screen on her end, and the image went blank.

  Silence.

  Kevin cleared his throat. "I'll get the information packet ready, shall I? If it meets your approval you can send it out to Sector tonight."

  Aidan nodded, feeling like a man in a dream. "Yeah, thanks, Kevin."

  "No trouble," the logistics officer agreed, standing. At the doorway, he paused. "Er, I've got my workload under control. If yours isn't too bad, are we on for tomorrow night?"

  "Hunh?" Aidan glanced up. Kevin was smiling that funny little smile that Aidan was starting to think of as his off-duty expression.

  "Vids?" the redhead clarified.

  Aidan blinked. "Oh. Right. Um, yeah. Yeah, let's plan on it."

  "I'll do that," Kevin agreed. With a nod, he stepped out of the office.

  Aidan received Kevin's packet on his screen half an hour later. He
forced himself to read. Kevin had good points.

  For a moment, his eyes flicked to the Delete tab. It'd be so easy to toss this and say it was rejected. But if this girl was really this good…

  Drawing a slow breath, he hit Encrypt, then Send, forwarding the file to Sector Commander Magnum.

  An hour later, a window opened on his work screen.

  Message Handle: Sector40COM

  Message: This recruitment approved. Sector Approval Number 545436gdf

  A ping made Aidan lift his tab, where a second message window glowed.

  Message Handle:Sector40COM

  Message: Good work, Headly. Make sure your team takes your personal risk factors into account.

  You promised me a month. It's been three, and I haven't heard you beg for transfer. Improvements noted on your base. I'm impressed.

  Carry on.

  Aidan let out a long sigh as his gut tightened, forcing the air out of his chest. "Personal risk factors," he whispered. "Fuck. Oh, fuck."

  For another hour, he tried to work. It was useless. While the rest of the base headed to dinner, he slunk back to his room. His hands shook as he entered his pass code and biometrics. The hologram resolved into his sister's face.

  "Good evening, Aidan," the psychological coach program smiled. "Is something bothering you this evening?"

  "Something. Yeah. There's something bothering me," Aidan agreed, curling himself into the corner where his bed touched the wall. The fingers of both hands dug into his scalp

  "Shit, Omi." His voice cracked in the syllables, and that was the last straw. Groaning, he buried his head in his hands, holding back a sob with all the energy he had left. It got loose.

  Omi was quiet for a beat. When she spoke, her digital voice was soft. "Aidan. Talk to me about what has been disturbing you. I'm listening."

  Aidan sucked in a shuddering breath. "I have… I have to… have to go… on-Grid. It has to be… me. And I'm… Omi, I'm scared shitless…" His voice squeaked over the last words and he cringed. "Dammit! I don't even sound… I can't… I… They'll know what I- They'll know that I'm trans, and then…"

  He gasped for air. It felt as if his binder was cinching tighter, crushing his chest. Omi's voice rose a little.

  "Aidan? Can you look at me? Let's run through some breathing exercises. Look at my hands."

  Between Omi's hands, a simple flower shape appeared, adding several layers of petals and removing them slowly. Watching it, Aidan did his best to breathe in and out with the mandala's changes.

  Slowly, his chest relaxed, and his hitched breathing easing into something closer to normal. "Just… give me a second."

  Hands fumbling, he yanked off his cooling jacket and shirt. Carefully, wincing, he folded the binder up until he could wriggle free.

  Avoiding the mirror, he dug his favorite floppy sweatshirt from a drawer and pulled it on, feeling his body's aches as it came down off the adrenaline overload and adjusted to being loose from the binder. He took his seat in the corner again, knees drawn up to his chest, chin resting on his crossed arms.

  Omi watched him with a patient smile. "How do you feel now?"

  Aidan sighed. "Like an idiot."

  "You shouldn't feel guilty," Omi demurred softly. "You have an extremely valid reason for concern. But you do need to find a way to consider the problem more constructively, because panic is both toxic and potentially life threatening."

  Aidan snorted. "Tell me something I don't know."

  "Sarcasm is not useful in this situation, Aidan."

  Aidan resisted the urge to snap at the program. Much as it looked like his sister, it wasn't her, and yelling at his shrink app really was stupid. He glanced at Omi's hands, and the mandala reappeared. For a while he just focused on breathing.

  Finally, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back. "I've got to figure out where all the biometric readers are in the area so I can avoid them. That's the first thing."

  "Your logistical officer would be a great deal of help in that endeavor," Omi's voice murmured.

  Aidan winced. "Omi, I'm not telling Kevin."

  "You believe he will react adversely?" the program asked. When Aidan didn't answer, the hologram began a slow blink in and out of view.

  Aidan gave it a death row smile. Jackson had done a hell of a job on this thing. Omi knew just when to push.

  "He's Cavanaugh trained," Aidan murmured eventually. "I mean, he's a great Duster, but… Training like that sticks. Attitudes and… stuff."

  Omi cocked her head. "I believe you informed me that he self-identifies as gay? Is that not a sign that he has decided to reject much of the Cavanaugh Perfection Mandate?"

  "Gay's one thing," Aidan muttered. "But me... I mean, trans, that's…"

  "A specific physical and psychological condition you have," Omi cut in. "Which those planning missions involving your person and your safety should be made aware of."

  Aidan closed his eyes, swallowing hard. "Omi."

  "Aidan. You're attracted to him. You enjoy his companionship."

  Aidan nodded reluctantly. He'd started to really love the Tuesday nights he spent with Kevin in the vid room. They'd talked. They'd debated ideas. They'd stopped old movies in the middle to look up stuff Aidan had never heard of on their tabs, and they'd just been happy. It was so easy to be around Kevin, to laugh and banter with him. Even getting called "sir" all the time was okay with him at this point, partly because of the quick half-smile Kevin always gave when he realized he'd done it again.

  When Kevin talked, Aidan forgot about everything there was to worry about for a while. When Kevin laughed, he felt warm.

  "You are feeling guilt and fear concerning whether he will still be friendly towards you once he fully understands your condition?" Omi asked.

  Aidan's face scrunched. "Blunt, Omi, really blunt."

  "But accurate?"

  Aidan sighed. "Yeah. Accurate."

  "Then please consider this, Aidan. Avoiding full disclosure with Kevin puts his life in danger as well as your own. He will be on the mission with you, and could be killed as well. That is not something you would want to cause."

  Stung by the brutality of the point, Aidan surged up. "Goddamit Omi, I'm not-"

  "Trying to hurt him. I understand that," the psychological coach program agreed. "But intent has very little relation to outcome in battlefield situations, Aidan. To ensure Kevin's safety, you must be honest with him."

  Aidan's stomach lurched. He rested his head on his hands, fingernails digging into his arm. When he realized he was drawing blood, he forced his hands to relax.

  "I don't know a good way to tell him," he managed, his voice tiny.

  Omi's image of a hand made a show of resting on his leg. "May I make a suggestion?"

  Aidan nodded wearily.

  "You have informed me that Kevin enjoys pre-dissolution film and rock music a great deal? Is this correct?"

  Aidan chuckled bleakly. "More than you'd believe. We watched this thing about a town where kids weren't allowed to dance twice in a row just so he could explain stuff in it."

  Omi smiled. "Based on this, I have been running several incognito searches in the Greynet, and have found a film that will make approaching the topic much more palatable."

  "Yeah?" Aidan asked, feeling a tinge of curiosity, "Um, can I see?"

  The cover art for the vid appeared between Omi's hands. The four couples in their four letter-marked slots of primary color made Aidan blink. "Wait. Are those people…"

  "This film concerns several couples of many sexual and gender orientations. And it contains music that was famous in the century after its release," Omi stated quietly. "Shall I download a copy?"

  Aidan stared at the artwork for a heartbeat. Then, slowly, he smiled. "Yeah. Yeah, Omi. Um, thanks."

  The AI smiled.

  Event File 22

  File Tag: Mission
Pertinent Information

  Timestamp:18:30-7-6-2155

  Aidan was almost pacing by the time Kevin got to the vid room the next night. The only thing that had stopped him was a half-speed game on the Osmos app that Kevin had put on his tab. He glanced up at the sound of humming coming down the hall, and smiled crookedly as Kevin sauntered in.

  "Um, hi."

  "Evening," Kevin replied, dropping onto the couch beside him with easy grace and an easy smile. "Sorry I'm running late, been rather swamped with the exchanges we're making for Base 1489."

  Aidan shrugged, holding his smile despite the pounding of his heart. "No worries. Found something you might like for the vid, though."

  "Oh?" Kevin's lips quirked in a smile. "Has the pupil become the master then? I'm intrigued."

  "I mean, it's just one vid, but when I saw the cover art I thought- Anyway." Using his tab, Aidan brought up his vid collection on the screen and selected the new one. Kevin leaned forward, adjusting his glasses on his long, thin nose.

  "Huh. That looks pretty old. What sort of movie?"

  "Musical," Aidan replied. "Looks better than your farming one, but there's only one way to find out."

  Kevin rolled his eyes with a chagrined smile. "Dear God in Heaven, you're never going to let me live down 'Oklahoma', are you? Look, I didn't know it was that bad."

  "Believe me, it was. It seriously was," Aidan replied with a smile he couldn't hold back.

  Kevin sighed and did one of those old-vid moves of his, pressing the back of his wrist to his forehead. "Shall I ever atone for my sin?"

  Aidan found himself laughing, amazed by the sound and the tension unraveling in his belly. "Hey, you think it's bad if I give you crap, be glad nobody else saw it! If Laz or Sarah had seen the thing-"

  Kevin did another one of those moves that Aidan was pretty sure was for show, touching his brow, breastbone and both shoulders in a quick criss-cross move.

  "Dear Lord, preserve me from such a fate."

  Smiling, the redhead relaxed back into the sagging cushions. Aidan watched him out of the corner of his eye as he pushed Play.