Dirty Little Secret: New Adult Rock Star Romance (Not Exactly A Stepbrother Romance Book 1)

by Kristen Strassel

  “I miss you,” he added when it was obvious I wasn’t going to respond.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’ve been staying with Matt.” He was still close by. “As soon as everything’s wrapped up here, I’ll be heading down to Nashville. What are you doing? I want to see you before I go.”

  I swallowed hard. Now more than ever, these plans felt like sneaking around. Things were somewhat out in the open, but knowing how everyone would react made me want to hide. “When?”

  “Can you get out tonight? Meet me at the marina?”

  I gasped. “Bret, that’s not a good idea.”

  “I learned how to sail a fucking boat so I could take you out on the thing.” He sighed. “I think we both deserve at least one time out there.”

  I agreed. Lying to Mom about why I wanted to borrow the car felt like high school all over again. Not like she really listened to anything I had to say these days. I met Bret in the busy parking lot in front of the marina. In the heart of downtown Newport, nobody paid attention to me as I waited for him. I took that as a good sign. In my everyday life, I was invisible. I was learning to appreciate it.

  “I thought you’d puss out.” That gorgeous smile spread over Bret’s face as he approached me. He wore jeans with tears in the knees and some horror movie T-shirt. “I could take you out to sea, or you could wind up on the bottom of the ocean.”

  I didn’t bother to hide my smile. It felt good not to hide for the first time in a long while. “You don’t know how good that sounds.” I laughed.

  “Actually, I didn’t think you’d have the balls to ask Ellen for the car.”

  “I stole it,” I lied. “The cops will be here any minute.”

  “Good. Maybe they’ll let me borrow their handcuffs.”

  The marina was much quieter tonight than it had been on the Fourth, but I kept my head down as I walked with Bret to the boat. This was the scene of the crime, and it didn’t feel right to be here. It was probably appropriate we’d met here, and maybe nothing was ever right. Bret didn’t feel the same way. He grabbed my hand as we approached the boat. I pulled away, but he gripped me tighter. Fuck it. These were the people who’d turned the most innocent and pure moment of our summer into something lurid. Might as well give them something to talk about.

  “Whatcha been up to?” Bret asked when I sat down on the bench in the back of the boat. He’d opened up a box and was looping rope through metal hooks. He tugged the connections to make sure they were secure, and then he began to raise the sail. He worked confidently, like he’d done this his whole life.

  “The usual. Working for free, avoiding debt collectors, and basking in Mom’s shame.” I smiled sadly when he looked back at me. “It’s been a good time.”

  “Sorry I missed it.” He chuckled. The boat started moving.

  I had no idea what he’d done, but we were moving away from the dock into the harbor. “When are you leaving?” I asked. We traveled along the craggy coast of Newport, the lights of the houses dotting the shore. The wind rippled our hair.

  Bret sat next to me, letting the boat gently bob in the water.

  “Tomorrow.” He stretched out, dropping his arm behind me like nothing had changed. Did this even affect him? Or had it all been a game, and he was riding out in the sunset, five million dollars richer?

  Bastard.

  “What about the lawyer?” I asked. We had to be there. “You’ll miss the appointment.”

  “I’ve already been to the lawyer.” He nodded when my face fell. “I signed the paperwork surrendering my rights to the money. It’s yours, Gemma.”

  “What?” I couldn’t believe it. He was fucking with me. “No way.” I’d conceded to him. As much as I wanted—scratch that—needed that money, it wasn’t worth the shame it brought me. Brought all of us.

  “Yes way.” He pulled me into him, tipping my chin up, so I’d meet his eyes. Even in the low light of the moon, they glowed.

  “But you said you needed it.” I kept waiting for the punchline.

  “I have a job. You can’t get a job unless you have the money.”

  Our hearts fought each other for attention, pounding against our chests. It seemed appropriate that every single part of us was engaged in battle, even as Bret lowered his lips on mine. The first contact was sweet. A test. But it didn’t take him long to come back for more, with confidence and hunger. All summer, we’d never kissed. It was the final frontier to the place we should never go. His tongue eased into my mouth and tangled with mine. A new battlefield. He pulled away just enough that he could catch my bottom lip, nipping it and sucking hard, before letting go.

  Bret’s kiss was like heroin. Addicting and deadly. I’d beg, borrow, and steal for more, even though I knew it was going to ruin my life.

  I pulled him back in for another kiss.

  “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that? Actually, I can tell you exactly how long it’s been.” Bret licked his lips, not letting a drop of me go, as he folded his leg between us. “I think it was the summer you were a freshman. Anyway, you had this little blue bikini. I hadn’t been over in a while, but you had your girlfriend there, and you came up from under water. Soaking wet, pushing your hair back… You had amazing tits even then, Gemma, and you looked so fucking happy to see me. It took everything I had not to jump in the water, push you up against the side of the pool, and have a taste of you. Ever since that day, I’ve wanted to kiss you so bad.”

  “I remember that day very clearly.” And probably a little differently than he did. “You ignored me, marched right over to Amber, and a couple weeks later convinced her to hand over her V-card to you. Then you dumped her. She was my best friend, Bret. She never talked to me again.” That was the day he started treating all my girlfriends like his own personal all-you-can-eat buffet.

  “Amber. That was her name. She was cute, too.” Nope, we remembered it the same way. “I knew I could never have you, so I had to go for the next best thing. I needed to make you hate me.”

  “What? Why?” That made no sense.

  “Because how else was I going to get your heart racing and set you on fire every time you saw me?” He grinned. “I loved every second of it. You took my breath away when you came downstairs for Dad’s funeral. I didn’t want to be your friend, and I definitely didn’t want to be your brother. Nothing’s better than fighting with you, Gemma. You can give it as good as you get it. That’s why this summer was so good. It was raw. Nothing was held back. No expectations. None of the stress or the bullshit of a regular relationship. Just the good stuff.”

  “All we did was fuck.”

  “Right. The good stuff.” He had a point. It made it really easy to slip into the abyss with him.

  It had been unfiltered, pent-up aggression, and all the things we could never say to each other, even though we never held back when we were together. Ever. Not when we were kids, and especially not when we were inside each other.

  “What we did was insane,” he said. “But can you honestly tell me you regret it?”

  I thought about my answer, trying to imagine the last two months without our challenge. The summer would’ve sucked. I’m sure I would’ve filled the time with something else, but it wouldn’t have taught me as much about myself as Bret had with his body. “No.”

  “Good.” He kissed my forehead.

  It took everything I had not to pull him into me and kiss him again. I had to get used to not having him.

  “I was always going to give you the money, Gemma,” he said.

  “What? Then why the fuck did you put me through all that, thinking I wasn’t going to get it?”

  “I wasn’t going to just let you have it. You needed to work for it.” He smirked. “And you said you didn’t regret it.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “I know.” He picked up my hand and squeezed it. “But you love it.”

  “I do.”

  “You’re a millionaire now. You can tell all those asshol
es who’ve been harassing you for money to eat shit and die, pay off your student loans, go to doctor school, and start a zoo. Or a safari. Or whatever’s going to help you save the planet.” He looked at the ocean. It was just as limitless in its possibilities. “How does it feel?”

  “Surreal.” I couldn’t believe the nightmare was over. “And it’s a sanctuary. I want to start a refuge for rescued circus elephants. Other exotics, too. I don’t discriminate. Anyone who needs a home.” It was really going to happen. I didn’t bother to try to hide my tears.

  “There’s a lot of land outside Nashville. Pretty cheap, when you get into the country.” Bret ran his fingers along my cheekbones. “It’s beautiful down there. Rolling hills. Everything is so fucking green, you can’t believe it. Tons of animals, and people are nice. I think your elephants would like it there.”

  “Is this a suggestion?”

  “Somebody’s got to feed those fuckers.” He laughed. “They’re huge. I bet they eat a lot.”

  “They do. And they’re not fuckers. They’re amazing.” I swatted at him. “I’ll check it out. Seriously.” Because I could do anything I wanted.

  “Whatever you do, get the hell out of here. See the world. You can do that now. It will change your perspective on everything.” His eyes lit up, even in the dark. “This place is suffocating you.”

  That was the truth. “When do you go back in the studio?”

  “Around Labor Day.” Bret leaned back, letting the ocean air tickle his skin. “This album is going to be sick. I’ve been writing all summer. I was inspired by a sexy little seductress.”

  “You wrote songs about me?” No fucking way.

  “Not the first time.” He nodded when my mouth fell open. “Half the songs on the first album are about you.”

  Half the songs on the first album were raunchy as hell, and about fucking. Not a ballad in the bunch. “Holy shit.” This night managed to blow my mind more than anything we’d done all summer. “So what happens now?”

  Bret sat up and sighed. “We go on with our lives, Gemma.”

  Even though I knew that was the answer, my heart wanted something different. We could take the boat to a deserted island and live off coconuts, or something. A shooting star faded in the sky. All this buildup, and then a spectacular crash into nothingness. Just like us. “That’s it? Do we pretend this never happened? What happens at the next family gathering? If we’re even invited to it.”

  Bret blinked rapidly and exhaled noisily. “I don’t know what we’re going to do. I never thought about our future, because I knew we didn’t have one. It fucking sucks, but you know it’s true just as much as I do. You don’t want to be messing around with me. There’s some guy out there who’s going to rock your world. I’m not going to take that away from you. Or from the lucky bastard.”

  I was fucking bawling. In a million years, I never would’ve guessed Bret Starling would be the person to break my heart.

  “But we have tonight, Gemma.” He pulled me in and kissed my wet eyelids. “Tomorrow I’ll be driving to Nashville, thinking about you walking into that lawyer’s office like you just got off a horse. You’ll sign a mountain of paperwork, and your dreams are going to come true. So you know what? You can do whatever the fuck you want, because no one is ever going to be able to tell you different.”

  “You’re wrong. I want you, and you said no,” I whispered before kissing him. It was raw and honest, like everything else about him.

  Bret didn’t open his eyes right away. He took a deep breath, and his fingers brushed against my bare shoulder, lighter than the breeze. “I want you too, Gemma. I always have, and I always will. Now more than ever. But I won’t ruin your life. So I’m setting you free.”

  “I’ll come back to you.” I could barely get the words out. The words carried a desperation I’d never felt before.

  “I’ll be waiting for you.” Bret closed his mouth over mine for the best kiss yet, the one that said all the things we were too afraid to say out loud. “Please come to Nashville.”

  I was going to get everything I wanted. And tonight, I wanted every last piece of Bret Starling.

  The Aftermath

  “Where the hell is he?” Mom wore the same look she’d had on her face since Bret and I came home from Jersey. The ugliest scowl I’d ever seen. She glanced at her phone. “It’s ten past nine. It’s not like he’s got anything better to do.”

  “I told you he’s not coming.”

  Mom still wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say concerning Bret. She hadn’t asked how I knew this, either. Bret and I had sent her straight into zombie mode.

  “Mr. Starling already came into the office and surrendered his rights to the proceeds of the will.” The lawyer told Mom what I already knew, but I gasped. Mr. Starling was my dad. There were so many reasons I didn’t think of Bret that way. The lawyer went on. “Ms. Starling, this means the money belongs to you.”

  Mom’s mouth fell open. She sat across the room from me, still barely acknowledging my existence. I wasn’t sure if she’d come with me today. We weren’t on speaking terms, but she had no idea Bret wasn’t in the state anymore, and there was no way she’d let the two of us be together, unsupervised. “Congratulations, Gemma,” she said.

  It didn’t feel like a victory.

  “Because he already came in, I had a chance to draw up the paperwork for you to sign,” the lawyer told me. Once you do, it will take a couple of weeks for the money to become available to you.”

  I nodded, but shook as I stood to approach the lawyer’s desk, where a thick pile of paperwork awaited my signature. Bret haunted me this morning. I could still feel him inside me. Everything ached without him.

  Even though I knew exactly what was going to happen today, it was still fucking surreal. A fat tear dropped on the first page, as I read it over. Signing my name on the dotted line meant the end of so many things. Dad wasn’t coming back, and neither was Bret.

  The sail masts of the marina were in view just outside the office door. Last night was probably the last time I’d ever go there. Like a graveyard, it was a memorial to all I’d lost. I wanted to believe the spirit of my dad was on the boat, but I knew he was with me, wherever I went. I couldn’t stay here anymore. Bret was right. I was letting this place strangle me, moving backward instead of forward. Ever since I was a little kid, everyone expected I’d follow in my parents’ footsteps. I’d been working so hard to be successful that all the steps I needed to take to get there felt like failure. They weren’t. Now I realized that.

  But first, I had to fix what was left here.

  “Do you want to get breakfast or something?” I gave Mom a hopeful smile. More than anything else, I needed her forgiveness. “My treat.”

  She hesitated, and her body stiffened before she answered. “I have a better idea,” she said. “Take me to the boat.”

  Mom had to guess I’d be leaving. My internship was over, and besides her, there was nothing to make me stay. “Okay.” One last time wouldn’t be bad. We threaded through the crowds of tourists in silence. The air was already hot and heavy this morning, and the ocean offered no breeze as a reprieve.

  “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” Mom closed her eyes to steady herself when she stepped on the boat. “Dad didn’t have a chance to christen her, but he planned to name her the Gemma Rose.”

  I lost it and collapsed on the same bench I’d laid on with Bret last night, in a much different spiritual union. Adding kissing to the mix had knocked down any remaining barrier that had remained between me and him.

  Mom sat down beside me, rubbing my back while I cried. “He loved you so much, Gemma.” Her voice shook. “He was so proud of you. I know he wanted you to have that money.”

  She meant to make me feel better, but instead it made it worse. Scars of wounds I didn’t know I had ripped open. The pain was unbearable.

  “Then why didn’t he just say that?” I asked. Mom was blurry when I looked up. The boat rocked, and the whole
world was out of my control again. There were some things money couldn’t buy. “That’s how this whole thing happened. If he just said what he meant, then you wouldn’t hate me and Bret.”

  “I don’t hate either of you. I would never do that.”

  My words hurt her. Of course. At least I was consistent.

  “It always upset me that two of the people I love more than anything in the world couldn’t love each other.” She chuckled sadly. “I guess I should’ve been careful what I wished for.”

  “I’m not going to apologize for what happened.” I straightened my back, and a calm fell over me. I wasn’t sorry. “It was wrong, but—”

  “Gemma, I’ll never condone what you did, but I understand why you did it.” She sighed, and I gasped. “None of us were ready to deal with this summer. It brought up a lot of emotions we weren’t prepared for. Like I said, all your dad and I ever wanted for the two of you was to get along. When I heard you in Bret’s room—”

  “You knew that was me?” I thought I was going to pass out.

  “I did. I needed Bret’s help, but before I knocked on the door, I heard your voice coming from behind it. At first I was shocked you were in his room. Then I realized what you were doing. I… I didn’t know what to do. Half of me wanted to rip the door open and scream, ask what the hell was wrong with you two, but there was a piece of me that was glad it was happening.”

  It was the last thing I ever expected her to say. “Then why did you kick Bret out and treat me like absolute crap for the last two weeks?”

  “It was the party, Gemma. I was willing to keep your secret, but then everybody knew. The way the two of you looked at each other, the way you interacted, there was no mistaking what was going on. When you both disappeared for an hour and I had to stop your cousins from going to find you, the adults started making assumptions.”

  “Oh my God.” The sun hurt my eyes. “But you still wanted us to try to get along.”

  “I couldn’t take anything else away from either of you, and I wanted to keep my family together. You’re all I have left. I didn’t want this.” She took a deep breath. “But once my friend from the marina sent me those pictures, I knew it couldn’t go on anymore. It was tear my family apart or let both of you ruin your futures. You’d wind up hating each other again in the end. There were no good options.” This was probably harder on Mom than it was on us. She scanned the boat, most likely praying her husband would somehow appear. That everything could just be normal. That none of this ever happened.