Evanescent

by Carlyle Labuschagne

  While in that memory, I picked something up, something Ava had never noticed before. When the wind had lifted her fiery locks up into the sky, I’d seen a tattoo on her neck. Automatically, I raised my arm, running my fingers over the etched mark cupping the top of my spine, but it was useless. I still could not feel my skin. My chest started to ache with a feeling I had known as anxiety. The longer I lived Ava’s life, the more I was becoming her. It was wrong. I didn’t have much time before my mind totally fell to the dark, or I would exist solely as Ava. I pushed my palms into my eyes, stars shot across my vision. How did we not see this? All this time, Sam – they had got to her first! So where was the real Sam, had she ever really existed? Or, was everything in my, Ava’s life, a set up? I hastened my pace, feet splashing up mud all over my ripped denims. I stopped at the edge of what was once a small downhill leading to the river’s edge, the hill now the edge of a larger river. My eyes scanned the devastated landscape, a few trees creaked and moaned before they came down as the banks started to fall and give way to the force of turbulent waters. I stepped back hastily. I thought I’d find Troy there. I was pretty sure I felt him close by, heard his heartbeat come from that direction.

  “Troy!” I called out. I smelled him.

  “You’re following me!”

  I swung around suddenly, staring into big, hazel eyes, regret and disappointment etched in his glare, and I was lost for a moment in that echo of despair.

  “You aren’t giving up are you?” I stepped closer, my skin tingling at the proximity.

  “What do you want from me? Haven’t you done enough?” His smooth voice burrowed into my chest.

  I felt it pinch, but said, “I’m sorry.”

  “For what exactly?” He crossed his arms over his chest, soft eyes studying mine.

  “All of it.” I swallowed. “For lying to you when I suspected…”

  “That you were not her, that you were a spy?” His dark glare penetrated mine.

  “That’s not fair.”

  His mouth twisted in a knowing smile. “You are lecturing me on what is fair?” he asked, eyebrows cocking a mocking glare.

  “I need you,” I finally said. I couldn’t wait, there was no time for mind games, time was running out for us all. We had killed the Shadow army, but now we understood that the disease is born through the darkness of death, so that meant we had indeed brought the army to its true form.

  His arms fell to his sides, his face softened. Taking a deep breath, he moved in to close the gap between us. My body heated up as his hand glided over my arm. My skin felt his touch spreading all over my body. My stomach twisted in a beautiful pain. As much as I needed that moment, I did not own it, it was not for me. The sooner this was over, the quicker I could find my own life. I was suddenly questioning my goals, my needs.

  “When I look at you, I see her; I won’t lie about it. You’re an exact copy in every physical aspect. Your lips...” He ran his thumb over my mouth. I quivered inside as his finger brushed over my smooth skin. “Your eyes,” he continued, his other hand rising up to cup my cheek in his palm, thumb rubbing at the smooth skin beneath my eye where a scar should have been. I leaned into his palm. I couldn’t help it, my body ached for it. I drew a deep breath. The bliss was evanescent as his face darkened into a hollow sorrow.

  “But then I see who you really are.” His tone grew serious, anger tinted his gaze a darker shade. “You are his creation. Perhaps I should hate you for that. In my head, I see you and him together.” His grip on my shoulder became increasingly tight.

  “And then I remember, it was Ava who slept with him,” he ground out, teeth gritted together. I took the pressure he exerted on my arms and as much as it hurt, the hurt in his glare was way worse. Lucky for Ava, it was me bearing the cross now, because I knew she would surely die as her intensified emotions could not hold the pain that moment did. He was cut, we had both hurt him pretty badly, neither of us having a good start with Troy. But, what she had done was completely unforgivable. It has – it would weaken her. On the other hand, there was me, I was stronger than her. I deserved him, she did not!

  I pushed him off fiercely. “Don’t do that. When you get angry, I feel it.”

  He just stared at me, like I was talking to a wall.

  “Should I care what you want? I wonder? It’s always about you, isn’t it?”

  I felt the rock drop to my stomach, fire spread inside of its wake.

  “So now I can’t even be myself around you or her, is that it? I think you were pushing it, the anger I mean, you wanted to see if you could get to me.” I stared down at my boots layered with thick mud, leaves and grass covering the soft leather around the ankles.

  “I wish that was me, but I am not a pusher. And, even if I could, I wouldn’t want to.”

  I smiled, looking up. “You hadn’t noticed? You can around me, you can, you healed in front of me in that stairwell.”

  “I don’t know what you are playing at, but I will never choose you over her,” he said, looking directly at me. “I don’t care what she has, or has not done. The worst thing that she could ever do to me is leave me. Nothing will ever precede that. Do you get it?”

  I swallowed, grit suddenly pulling my throat closed. “Look, you have to take me to Legentium. It’s the only way you can get back to her, and then you two can work it out, okay?”

  His walls came down the minute he was under the impression I was just wanting a life of my own, that I didn’t want to be her replacement. I didn’t want the love meant for someone else. That was what my insides told me, but my mind and body wanted him so badly I could taste it.

  “I don’t know how much longer I can carry on,” he said, and turned away from me.

  “Don’t say that!” I absorbed his bitter words.

  “I know that what’s up ahead, everything that has happened and everything that will happen is designed to make me, us, stronger, but…” His head sank. “It hurts so bad. She might have ruined it all for us. I just don’t get it. I was supposed to sit around and watch her fall for him. It was written that he would be the truth to her purpose – I almost believed it, but what if because I stepped in, because I loved her and wanted to protect her from that – what if I changed it somehow? She did it because she wanted the power to bring me back. She sacrificed us for me.”

  I snorted, he actually believed that? “Do what you have to. Don’t you understand all of this is for you two to be together? From the very beginning, this is what the prophecy has been all about. She has to be the thing she fights, to understand it. And perhaps it is not just about her, it’s about you, too. About the entire Circle. There are many of similar prophecy, about many like her and like you. Together, we all bring the big picture into focus.” It was kind of a lie, but perhaps if I took some pressure off, it would change his mindset.

  “How do you know this?” he asked quietly.

  “I’m not sure, but I am open to some knowledge. I don’t understand when and why, but it’s there inside of me. It wasn’t there before, though. It just comes to me, almost like I’ve always known, like I’ve been here, done this journey a million times over. You need to trust me when I say things are going to turn out just the way they are meant to. But the path has to be walked in order to reach it,” I concluded. This was not a lie.

  I walked to his side, staring at his handsome features as he stared out over the destructive force of the brimming river.

  I felt the urgency rise, so pushed yet again. “We are running out of time. If you don’t ignite soon, everything will be lost. If there is an easier way, if you can somehow do it through me…”

  “And there it is.” He stiffened, a smile playing at his eyes.

  I stared at him blankly.

  He snickered. “I see what you’re doing. Look, I know you want me, I get that. Let it pass, really, I don’t want anything to do with you. You are not Ava, and you will never be. You care only about one thing, and that is to kill me.”

  “That�
��s ridiculous!”

  “One would think that, but what easier way to kill me than this?” he reasoned, eyes ablaze with anger. “Enoch has been underestimated, he knew exactly what he was doing when he created you. He knows how to get to me, and I allowed it. She would have been safe now if…”

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Pathetic,” I sneered.

  There was a long pause between us as the tension mounted.

  “Get away from me,” he said calmly, coldly, and with bite.

  “No.” I crossed my arms. “Get over yourself. So you made mistakes? We need to get to this soul reader person, find a way to locate Ava and the others, bring them back, and get you two ignited.”

  “What’s in it for you?”

  “Me. My life depends on it, all our lives depend on it, okay? I am tired of being this. I don’t have an identity. I am just a copy. The longer I live as someone else, the harder it becomes for me to live at all. Besides having this disease, it’s like having a million voices in my head. Everything happens for a reason, right? Isn’t that what your father, Arriana – what their belief and yours as a Truth Seeker is?”

  He turned, walked to the edge of the new river bank. “You see this? The planet is in uproar, and do you want to know why?” After what seemed a long pause, he shared, “It’s a sign, we can’t stop it, we can’t control it. This prophecy is happening with or without us. We will determine how it will end, though.”

  “That should be another tick on your list of why we need to get this going.”

  “You don’t get it. It’s not that simple. Legentium is protected by the three dark queens,” he said, stroking his chin. “It’s not going to be easy. You think being around Enoch taints you? If you get anywhere near those queens, you are a goner, and that means I’ll have to kill you.”

  I smiled. “You can’t kill me.”

  “Not yet, but I’ll find a way.”

  “Fine. If I fail, you get to kill me.”

  His arms dropped to his sides.

  “I won’t have a choice.” His tone grave and serious carried over the swooshing river, logs banged against each other as the flow of the river dragged it down the stream. The river was muddy and brown, white spray hit red sand banks, and as more water ate away at the receding banks, it took my hopes with it. Every decision had to be calculated. To gather up the wrong end of a string, or drop one single stitch in time, would lead to the undoing of life itself.

  “And just so you know, I might not be able to read your thoughts right now because for some reason my mind is deceived by you, but I can pretty much read you like a book, regardless.”

  “You swore you wouldn’t read my mind.”

  “Don’t flatter yourself. It’s a promise I made to her, not you.” His smile was cruel. “Shouldn’t be a problem if you have nothing to hide, not so?” he asked, turning toward me, eyes hard and dark as a distant night with an uncertainty in his glare I was dangerously scared of.

  I rubbed the surface of the amethyst pendant, stroking it until it glowed. The effect was the same as Troy’s touch on my shift, and as long as I wore the pretty, purple pendant, I could not blood-shift. The antidote captured in a purple crystal – how clever. But I could gather back the sensation on my skin by his touch alone. I had purposefully lost the previous one, being pulled by two fighting entities was a bit overwhelming. But now I wanted to fight it. I needed life without the burden of anger and disgrace.

  From the bathing room, we could hear Thandiwe’s cries. Anaya was doing a poor job at ignoring it, her shoulders were tense, her jaw tight and her breathing became erratic each time screams screeched down the hall. Irritated by her unsettled behavior, I sank to the pillows scattered on the stone floor beside the copper tub. The gigantic metal tub restricted my view of Anaya stretching under the fragrant waters. My eyes looked to the high thatched roof, and then wondered to everything else; dark, red walls with golden, glowing lamps enfolded us. The place reminded me of the night Ava was captured, standing in the tub as Enoch’s disgusting glare raked over her like a predatory animal. He had humiliated me. Came close to breaking me.

  “Oh hell!” I said out loud. Her memories were consuming me, for a moment I had thought and felt it like I was actually Ava, I guess I always had. Perhaps Enoch was counting on that. My mind, my life would betray me. That was my curse of existence.

  “What is it?” Anaya’s sweet voice drifted to me on the steam that filled the entire bathing hut.

  “I just want to get through this. I hope this Legentium person can erase her memories from my mind.”

  “It is said that Legentuim can do anything with a mind, cleanse a soul and read you into your next life, or even change it to its true purpose.”

  “I am so gonna need your help.” I sat up staring at her beautiful, twinkling, turquoise eyes.

  Her slender fingers combed through her dark hair as she lay the ends on her tanned bust, staring at me inquisitively.

  “Urgh! Troy! My heart is on fire for him and it sucks, because I don’t know if it is me that likes him, or because I am like her.”

  I almost gasped at the effects honesty had on me. The pendant was working alright. I bit my inner cheek trying to digest how weak it made me seem.

  “But you are not her.”

  “I know that!” I raked my hands through my own matted hair. Pulling mud and who knows what else from the strands.

  A knock came at the door.

  “What?” I shouted.

  “Time’s up. The queen seeks your presence before your departure.”

  I stood and walked to stand before the tub, yelling at the man behind the voice souring my mood, I just needed someone to talk to, to release things on to without being cut off and hurried.

  I peeled my pants off. “Well, you’re going to have to wait. I’m not done!” I shouted. “I haven’t even started yet!”

  “Very well, just make it quick, please. My queen is not well, her time grows short.”

  I had just gotten my shirt over my head when a hand pulled me into the tub, undies and all.

  I whipped water from my face and screamed.

  “What are you doing?” I splashed water at Anaya who had burst into a fit of laughs.

  “It is not funny,” I managed to get out before I, too, burst out laughing.

  After we caught our breaths, the laughter ceased. I took the rose soap and washed myself, pulled the soap through my hair and worked through the knots. I looked up to find Anaya staring at me.

  Putting my arms under the water, I then asked her, “Why are you so nice to me?”

  She shrugged, but said, “You’re a victim too, you are part of this prophecy whether we like it or not. No matter how bad you think your intentions are, or your reason for existence is – you’re here and you chose your side.”

  I narrowed my eyes on hers. “So now that Maya is not talking to you, you grab on to the next best thing?”

  Her lips tightened.

  “Sorry.” I felt ashamed. It had just slipped out, but getting close to someone that was only going to throw me away the minute she no longer needed me was infuriating.

  “That’s not true,” she said.

  I noticed her hand on my leg, I hadn’t felt it, but now I could see it; her connection to reading my thoughts.

  I pulled my leg away, stood and climbed out of the tub. Steam rose from my body, water dripped onto the soft, dark rug below.

  “I don’t belong here.”

  “For now you do,” Anaya said, climbing out the tub after me, covering her perfect body with a towel. I looked away feeling like I had lost out on something, wanting to take in her gorgeous body for just a moment longer.

  Rolling my eyes, I said in joking tone, “Your beauty makes me sick, always has.” I wrapped the towel around me, pulled a toothbrush from my bag, and shook the toothbrush to fill its bristles with toothpaste.

  “I’ll forget you said that.” She smiled back.

  Were we joking with each other? There we
re no friends in this battle. Lying your way through life was the only way to secure your future. I snapped my gaze back to Anaya, scrutinizing her every expression. How long after she’s touched me, does the telepathy connection wear off? I waited, testing her. She suddenly looked up while wiping a towel through her long, damp her, and gave me a genuine smile.

  “The connection usually lasts about half a day,” she said, stepping closer.

  I half-heartedly smiled.

  “Ava…” she started, then gestured with her hand toward me and blew out a breath. Suddenly not sure, she shook her head at me. “We really have to get you your own name.”

  “Yeah,” I said, turning my head back to the basin. “‘The clone’ is so not fashionable.” I looked up at the clay covered wall. For some reason, I felt bad. After brushing my teeth vigorously, I spat into the clay basin and watched the glow of my blood glide over the black and white mosaic, but it was when the gunk ran over the tan color, slowly crawling toward the black center hole that the glow of my blood was no more a secret. By now everyone knew what I was, and what Ava is. A carrier, a disease – going under, leaving waves of disaster in its wake. That is what it meant to be broken, to carry the Shadow within you. Distraction. Revenge. Love and power. It all becomes short-lived. The scent of evanescence a bitter release.

  “I see you still suffer from guilt then.” Anaya was so close, almost touching me.

  My hands were firmly wrapped around the sharp edges of the wooden table. I picked up the green, tin jug and poured the remnants within into the basin, all evidence washed away. I had to hold my emotions in check, the poison of negativity a trigger, and eventually the Shadowing disease would turn each thought, each word – until I was no longer. I hated my disease. I hated being born with it. Ava had a choice, I did not. It was not fair that I, who could have a better life, should suffer for her mistakes, and for his mistakes. The thought of being a creation haunted me.

  “Are we demonic?” I felt my blood leave my body, suddenly cold and then hot as my thoughts turned to a liquid confession.

  Her hand touched my upper arm and I wished I could feel it, or feel something at the gesture.