The De-Textbook

by Cracked. com

  If you don’t have an older sibling who’s the same sex as you, you’re sort of screwed. Forget asking your friends. You guys are locked in a prisoner’s dilemma where everyone is hiding how scared and grossed out they are by the whole thing. And chances are you’d probably rather remove your private parts than talk to your parents or teachers about them (by the way, they’re not all that eager to talk about your new pubic hair, either). You pretty much have to rely on lies your friends tell you and magazines that are written by people who clearly hate you.

  THE MYTH: Cosmo can teach you how to please a man.

  Since 1965, Cosmopolitan magazine has been the number one source of sex advice for women too polite to ask a friend why their sexual partners never seem quite satisfied. Cosmo has long been a popular way for the inexperienced to get sound advice on humping techniques without wasting their chastity on their current boyfriend (at least until his acne clears up in a few years). Cosmo’s advice isn’t always practical (“Wear a wet T-shirt to bed!”), but it promises you’ll leave your man begging for more.

  THE TRUTH: Cosmopolitan’s advice will put your boyfriend in the hospital.

  Cosmopolitan’s sex advice ranges from misguided to sexually motivated hate crime against anything with a penis. It’s amazing nobody has called them on it. Probably because when a man’s sexual partner decides to up and “bite the skin of his scrotum,” as Cosmo advises women to do on its website, his primary concern is getting her to stop and not finding out how she learned to do that.

  Cosmo is the female equivalent of the guy who tells all his friends that he had sex while doing a backflip on a trampoline. Anyone with even a small amount of sexual experience will know why that’s a terrible idea, but the sexually inexperienced and bored will hang on his every word, because they don’t know enough, or are too desperate, to call him on his bullshit. Women don’t need to lie to each other about sex because Cosmo has always been there to do it for them.

  For instance, you might want to get a second opinion when Cosmo tells you to . . .

  COSMO SAYS: Shake his nuts like you’re playing Yahtzee.

  The most amazing oral sex I’ve ever had was from a woman who jiggled my balls back and forth with her hand, like she was shaking dice in a cup. I thought I was going to explode! —Curtis, 33

  Here’s the first tip that “Curtis” is really “nonexistent”: the exclamation point at the end. Tip-off number two: drawing a comparison between the rapid rattling of hard cubes in a hard cup to any testicle-related sex act without audible gagging.

  COSMO SAYS: Yank his crotch hair.

  A little-known erogenous zone: the area between a guy’s navel and his penis. Lick it . . . or gently tug the hairs there. —Cesar, 28, “Sex Tips from Guys,” Cosmopolitan.com

  Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression “He’s got me by the short hairs”? Was the guy using it in a positive way? No, because it’s meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, “Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs!”

  COSMO SAYS: Go joystick on his boner.

  Move my penis all around like an old-school Atari joystick—up, down, side to side, in a circle. —Eddie, 35, “100 Sex Tips from Guys,” September 2004

  We had to throw this one in because it shows utter unfamiliarity with how the male unit works and yet is still somehow the best advice on this list. After you’ve yanked out his pubic hairs and rattled his balls like you’re hot at a craps table, it’ll be sweet relief to have you merely grab his boner and steer it around while making beep boop video game noises with your mouth.

  COSMO SAYS: Give his wiener an Indian burn.

  Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can. —Jamie, 30, “100 Sex Tips from Guys,” September 2004

  For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian burn. When done to the penis, it requires a new term completely. Something like “a crime a million times worse than murder.” We’re not even joking at this point. Seriously, don’t do this. Your boyfriend will not like it. He will lobby to have it banned by the Geneva conventions. They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them with plaques that read “Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day.”

  THE MYTH: OK, but it’s not like Cosmo is trying to ruin your life.

  Each women’s magazine is like a how-to guide for a different genre of lady. Cosmo tells the sexually liberated, urbane young woman how to dress and succeed at life and love. Even if their sex advice leaves him with a sore penis, the rest of their advice will make sure he knows you’re worth having to keep his crotch packed in ice!

  FIGURE 4.2 “Be sure to catch next month’s issue of Cosmo, wherein we teach you ‘6 Ways to Tell If Your Man Hates the HORRIBLE SEX Lessons You Learned in Cosmo.’”

  THE TRUTH: Cosmo is totally trying to ruin your life, you guys!

  Back away from the magazine if you don’t want to end up in an institution of some sort. Cosmo is like a passive-aggressive friend who wants nothing more than to see you fail. If all of its readers woke up tomorrow with self-esteem and a perfect boyfriend, Cosmo would be out of business. And so they give you terrible advice that ensures you will need their help for years to come. In the real world, that’s known as a toxic relationship, but in the world of magazine publishing, it’s just good business.

  Think we’re exaggerating? Let’s look at some handy rules they gave in two short articles for women trying to understand the men in their life.

  COSMO SAYS: If he shares the details of his day, he must be hiding something.

  Don’t be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he’s been or what he’s been doing.

  These are the paranoid ramblings of an insane mind. Sharing details about his day is a sure sign that he wants to talk with you about his day. The open exchange of information between two people who spend time together is generally seen as normal behavior by most societies, probably because society is cheating on you.

  COSMO SAYS: If he swallows while talking, he’s lying.

  When a secret is big enough that he’s worried he may lose something important if it’s revealed, research shows that his esophageal muscles will start to constrict, causing his throat to dry up. So if he begins swallowing a lot during your conversation, it’s because he’s trying to loosen up those throat muscles.

  Or because he just smoked pot to ease the stress of dealing with your daily accusations of infidelity. Are you nervous about something? What are you nervous about? What are you hiding?

  COSMO SAYS: If he wants more sex from his girl, he’s cheating.

  Yes, maybe he’s just extra-horny or you’re looking extra-hot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something’s awry. A man who’s hiding something won’t want to connect emotionally through conversation because he’s afraid if he does, he’ll spill the secret.

  So far, your good friends at Cosmo have taken two signs of a healthy relationship—he tells you about his day, and he wants to have sex with you—and turned them into reasons you should be on alert.

  COSMO SAYS: If he’s overly protective of his gadgets, he’s hiding something.

  The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills. So if he’s being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he’s more evasive.

  If the Patriot Act taught us anything, it’s that the only people who value privacy are terrorists. Remember: If you encounter literally any resistance when trying to suddenly snatch his phone out of his hands, he’s hiding something. And after you so generou
sly pulled out all of his pubic hair last night, too!

  COSMO SAYS: If he’s happy, he’s cheating.

  If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.

  Actually, this one’s probably accurate. If, after all of the horrible things Cosmo has demanded you do to him, he is still capable of smiling at anything, he is probably having sex with someone or on some very powerful drugs.

  The Wrong Questions Guys Ask About Women (and What You Should Ask Instead)

  Young men tend to be intensely curious about women and even more intensely unwilling to admit this fact. When they do get tired of bumping around in the dark for the magic combination of actions and words that will allow them to touch a boob, the questions they end up asking are designed to disprove the maxim that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

  FIGURE 4.3 It is a little-known fact that Mystery the pickup artist was invented by young women in order to make date rapists easier to identify.

  THE QUESTION GUYS ASK: “Why do girls like jerks?”

  Are you attracted to girls based solely on how “nice” or “jerky” they seem? No, of course you’re not. A girl can be the nicest person you’ve ever met, but if she wears an eye patch, has a mouthful of decaying teeth, and lacks a functioning vagina, you’re probably going to pass. Why would women be any different?

  Being nice is one of many qualities women find attractive in a man, and it’s never going to be the hardest quality for her to find. Believe it or not, you’re not the only guy in school who aced the portion of the test where you decide not to be an asshole. People who ask this question are almost always really asking, “Why doesn’t she like me just for being nice to her?” But that’s like asking why Harvard won’t let you in for having a clean police record. Being creative, funny, and athletic; making sure you always have the best weed—these things take talent, luck, good genes, hard work, and a willingness to take risks. All of the things that make someone good at life. The problem is not that girls like jerks, but that guys who ask this question think they should get laid for doing something that is a basic human courtesy.

  BETTER QUESTION: “What does [the girl I am interested in] like in a guy?”

  Just ask any of your female friends to run through their roster of friends and describe what type of guy each one is into. You’ll get a wide variety of extremely specific responses. One might have a thing for blue eyes. Another might be into a guy who can play the guitar. And some, well, they just need to know that the guy has a penis and they’re good. Sure, some of the guys they eventually pick will indeed be jerks, but they will excel at something that she values more than being nice, which should include just about everything.

  THE QUESTION GUYS ASK: “What do girls mean when they say X?”

  Believe it or not, there is, in fact, no universal woman code language. A girl who says she is “not ready for a relationship” may literally mean that the very idea of dating terrifies her at the moment for whatever reason. Maybe you’re just gross. Maybe she’s a hipster who finds the word “relationship” too conformist and wants to have a “cooperative sex venture” with you.

  BET YOU (GUYS) DIDN’T KNOW: If you talk to a woman—like, right to her—she is likely to hear and respond to you. Just like a person!

  BETTER QUESTION: “Girl, what do you mean when you say X?”

  This may just be our overwhelming confidence talking, but have you tried just asking her what she means? It’s bound to be more effective than the “nod in understanding and then run away to ask other people or complain on the Internet” tactic that dudes seem to love so much.

  If that isn’t an option, then just ask someone who knows the girl in question. “I don’t want to be in a relationship” to you sounds like “You’re disgusting, and your lack of abs is unforgivable.” But her friend might identify the correct hidden meaning as “My last boyfriend cheated on me” or “You’re disgusting, and your lack of abs is unforgivable.” Either way, it’s better than just trying to guess what she means on your own.

  THE QUESTION GUYS ASK: “Why do women fuss so much about their [makeup, type of clothes, shoes] when I clearly prefer natural beauty?”

  Of all the stupid questions that men frequently ask women, this is the one they hate the least. It’s a little like asking a magician why he spends so much time working on his tricks when he’s clearly some sort of natural warlock. What you’re really telling her is “All of the shopping and freaking out in front of the mirror was worth it, because I think it comes naturally to you” and also “I’m kind of stupid.” It just means that whatever they spend their time fussing about is working, because they’ve managed to convince you that it’s wholly natural.

  BETTER QUESTION: “Is my idea of ‘natural beauty’ actually natural?”

  Chances are those “unimportant” things like makeup and shoes actually do make her more attractive to you in ways you don’t notice. That’s the goal, anyway. For example, if she’s wearing a shirt that flatters or even shapes her boobs, she doesn’t want you to think, “Wow, that shirt really flatters and even shapes her boobs.” She wants you to think, “Nice boobs.” Many girls use a certain amount of makeup just to get to “normal.” Fussing with makeup often means they’re trying to make sure you don’t notice that they’re wearing any.

  THE QUESTION GUYS ASK: “Why do guys have to do all the work to get a relationship while women just sit there and can pick any guy they want?”

  The problem here is usually a sampling error, and the solution is to take a statistics class. The pool of women you look at to make this observation is going to be skewed toward women you like to look at. You don’t really think that about all women. You’re just bitter that the women you like to gawk at don’t return your creepy stares.

  BETTER QUESTION: ”Why do I only look at the women who can pick any guy they want?”

  If you’re asking this question, you should know that there are a lot of fairly sad, desperate girls out there who will be happy to spend entirely too much time obsessing over what it will take to get a guy like you. And when one of those girls throws aside her dignity and starts a conversation with you in a shameless attempt to find someone who will appreciate her for who she is, and you distractedly ask her why girls just sit there and make guys do all the work while eyeing a more attractive woman across the room, just know that your balls deserve everything that’s about to happen to them.

  Everything Porn Taught You About Sex Is Wrong

  Depending on where you live, sex education in school can range from “Put this condom on a banana” to “There is no such thing as sex; any mention of such will result in immediate expulsion and enrollment on the sex offender registry.” Meaning that for most modern teens their first actual look at sex will come one of two ways: (1) from watching Internet porn or (2) from walking in on Mom and Dad, who didn’t know school was only a half day today and took the opportunity to start humping on the sofa. The same sofa where you and your brother sit and play video games, and where you place your cookie between bites.

  Obviously, the former provides much more explicit information about the actual mechanism of sex than the latter (unless you had one of those weird dads who, instead of yelling and covering up, just made cold, unblinking eye contact and kept going). This means that millions of nervous young folks are engaging in their first sexual encounter with only porn to guide their expectations. Well, we have good news and bad news.

  The Bad News for Guys

  A: Real Girls Are Not Porn Girls

  Real humans have actual boundaries and inhibitions. What you see on PornTube represents only what certain men wish sex was like. We’re not saying that you’ll never meet a woman who enjoys, say, having semen squirted into her eyes or having sex on camera with five strangers in the back of a decorated van. What we’re saying is that just about everything you see in those videos—including the ones that claim to be hidden camera or “reality” porn—is there specifically bec
ause real women are not like that. These videos fill a gap between fantasy and reality. What we’re trying to say is that real girls have gag reflexes.

  The Good News for Guys

  A: Real Girls Are Not Porn Girls

  She will likely be just as nervous as you, assuming that your first time is with your high school or college sweetheart and not with, say, a Thai prostitute. She won’t be expecting gymnastics or spinning sex chairs.

  The Bad News for Guys

  B: Mimicking Porn Sex Technique Will Result in Injury

  The positions and jackhammer-style action are configured specifically to look good on camera, not to induce any kind of pleasure in either party.

  The Good News for Guys

  B: You Will Get Feedback

  Most young guys’ greatest fear is that their sub-porn performance in bed will result in the woman immediately calling all of her friends, all of his friends, and all of his father’s coworkers, and posting a scathing review of his lovemaking on RateHisSex.com. In reality, it’s not an audition—the woman also wants to enjoy the experience.

  The Bad News for Guys

  C: A Condom Won’t Magically Appear on You During a Star Wipe Edit

  There will be an awkward moment when you have to pause the action in order to put it on. That moment is what trips you up, not your inability to put a condom on a banana. The banana doesn’t go flaccid while you’re trying to get the packet open.

  The Good News for Guys

  C: Your Penis Size Is Probably Fine