Starblood Trilogy

by Carmilla Voiez

  But I can change this. I can change myself. Stop seeking sanctuary in others and start living. My reflection is not all I can be, only what I am now.

  He straightens his body and looks towards the horizon. He has two choices, either to stay here longer and understand what the reflection means and how to accept or change it, or to journey on, battle with demons, angels and gods as a flawed and frightened child, hoping that in action he can prove himself worthy. The choice rocks him. Indecision immobilises him.

  He takes a few steps towards the horizon then stops. ‘I’m not ready.’ He glances at the pool. Small ripples crack its surface. He can see no reflection, not even of the purple hue of the shifting sky above. He takes a step towards the water then halts once more. ‘Help me,’ he shouts at no one. ‘What should I do?’

  He receives no reply. This is his decision alone, but there are too many variables, too many things he doesn’t understand. How can someone make a choice without any idea of the likely outcomes? He sits down on the ground and grasps his knees to his chest. The options run through his mind. If he carries on he will reach Star faster, if time has any meaning at all here, and if not save her at least fulfil his promise and die trying. If he stays here for longer he might learn something essential about himself, something that might or might not help him win, help him bring Star safely home. He has no idea what he will or even can do when he reaches Star. Maybe by confronting my own self I will find an answer?

  If my conscious mind cannot decide maybe my deep self can? He stands up. Like before, he closes his eyes and turns around slowly. This time he focuses on what he must do next. He stretches out his left hand and concentrates. When he feels his fingers tingle and his arm stretches without his conscious will he stops. Fear seals his eyes. Part of him already knows he will be pointing towards the pool. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. The water shimmers before him. If anything the ripples are stronger, agitated by the same excitement he feels building inside him. I have to face this and continue onward stronger than before. I must know and understand. Perhaps I must change? Then I can save Star.

  Chapter 24

  ‘Why am I here?’ Sarah asks.

  ‘You branded yourself as mine. Of course you came back to me.’ Lilith’s laugh is cold and cruel.

  ‘What happens now?’ Sarah’s voice is strong. Her mind is calm, her body poised for action.

  ‘Lie back and enjoy yourself. You’ll find a wonder and beauty in the pain if you allow yourself to feel it.’

  ‘Never.’

  ‘Then suffer.’

  The monster clamps its mouth and claws to Sarah’s breast again. With trembling arms she tries to push it away, but it is too strong for her. Pushing at it only increases the pain.

  ‘It has to feed,’ Lilith tells her. ‘What kind of mother are you?’

  Sarah falls back to the ground. She shakes her head in denial. The creature tugs at her breast. Milk pulses from her to nourish its hunger. In spite of the horror she feels a terrible sensuality. It is a feeling of wholeness, of oneness with another. Nothing exists at that moment except her and her baby.

  ‘That’s better,’ Lilith croons.

  Star shudders. Her stomach tightens. I have to get away from here.

  ‘And go where? You’re dead my darling. Did you think you’d be in heaven? Did you really think you’d led a life that would guarantee you a place in paradise?’

  Star sees her father’s mocking face. He rips her paintings and spits words of venom at her. ‘You’re evil,’ he tells her. ‘Change now or you’ll spend an eternity in the flaming bowels of hell.’

  ‘Is this hell?’ she asks weakly.

  ‘No, it’s simply another plane of existence, my plane. It’s where you belong. It can be heaven or hell as I will it.’ Lilith replies.

  ‘Help me,’ Sarah whispers.

  ‘Help yourself. Give in to me. Apologise and throw yourself at my feet. Tell me I’m wonderful and beautiful. Tell me you love me.’

  ‘I don’t love you. You’ve used me. Every word you spoke was a lie. You led me to this point. I will never love you.’ Sarah’s face is defiant in spite of the tears trapped behind her eyelids.

  ‘But you want me. You want me to take your suffering away with kisses. Any lie I utter now you will believe because you need to, you want to.’

  The baby detaches itself and shuffles away. Sarah feels Lilith move closer. She hears the air move around the goddess as she bends down to stroke Sarah’s cheek.

  ‘You’re my pretty toy. I can take you to heaven or hell as I choose and you will love me for it.’

  Sarah shakes her head again. ‘I will never love you.’

  ‘Oh but you will, my darling, you will, given time.’

  Lilith’s soft, dry lips press against her own. Her heart flutters and she hates herself for it. Once again Lilith’s laugh pierces the air. Soft breath tickles Sarah’s throat, the valley between her painfully swollen breasts and the cavern of her stomach. The air feels chill against her exposed organs. The sweetness is intense. She shivers. She forces out thoughts that perhaps Lilith could be right. This is wrong…horrible…evil. How can I enjoy the comfort of my torturer’s caresses?

  Lilith moves again and her breath ruffles the triangle of red hair. A sigh Sarah cannot keep stifled escapes her lips. Lilith laughs triumphantly.

  ‘Please don’t,’ Sarah whispers.

  ‘You want this,’ Lilith insists.

  It’s true, in part, and Sarah knows that Lilith feels it as much as she does. But the hatred she feels will not allow her to relax.

  ‘Not now,’ she says.

  The breath withdraws. Sarah is aware of Lilith stepping away. Her body aches to be touched but her will is stronger.

  ‘Very well,’ Lilith answers. ‘I am in control, not only of you but my own desires. I have no need to force myself upon you or any mortal. I will wait for you to beg me as I know you will.’

  Lilith’s foot connects with Sarah’s ribcage. Sarah tries to roll herself into a ball but the pain in her stomach is too great. Her body begs her to ask Lilith to take the pain away, but she refuses. She will never bow to the demon again.

  Another kick, this time to her back. Sarah feels her spine shatter on impact. She lets out a deafening scream.

  ‘That’s more like it.’ Lilith laughs. ‘At least now you sound like you’re having fun. The barbs.’

  The cruel and terrible laugh solidifies Sarah’s blood as if moving might give its position away. Sarah’s spine pulses and her stomach burns like ice.

  ‘This should help,’ Lilith whispers in Sarah’s ear.

  Something sharp, like a needle, pierces Sarah’s thigh then another and another. Lilith lifts Sarah’s legs and the stabs continue. Strings of barbs or barbed wire wrap around Sarah’s legs. Each coil pushes the thorns deeper into her flesh. Sticky blood oozes from the many wounds. The floor beneath her feels damp with it. How much blood can I still carry with my fatal stomach wound? It seems to flow without ceasing. Sarah feels her life drain away and yet she knows she isn’t dying. She knows this pain could continue for years. Her brain is alert. The bliss of unconsciousness lies beyond her reach. There is no release from the agony of each barb being driven into her skin. When Lilith finishes she moves away and Sarah is left alone, unable to move, unable to think of anything except her torn flesh.

  ‘Tell me when you’ve had enough darling,’ Lilith says. ‘I’ll be back later to check on you.’

  Sarah tries to angle her feet so her legs do not press against the ground. For a while she manages to hover there, focusing on the effort rather than the pain. Then her feet shake and her muscles rebel. With a jolt they slam against the ground and she screams. Her body shakes. She hyperventilates. Her nervous system threatens to shut down. She begs it to do so, to give her relief from the torment. It flickers off and on like a faulty strip light, the pain more intense each time it returns in contrast to the relief of a few seconds without feeling.

  P
urple mist seeps through her cortex filling her thoughts. She clings to the internal image, hoping it will calm her. She hears Satori’s voice. He calls to her. Thinking he is nearby, she calls back. He doesn’t seem to hear her. He keeps repeating her name again and again until she realises the voice is in her brain not her ears. Alternately Sarah laughs then cries, each feeling threatens to overwhelm her mind if not her body. The vice-like grip of madness squeezes her forehead. She tries to shut out the voice. It promises something she can never have. Satori will not find her. He may not even try. She doesn’t blame him. She did terrible things. Why should he forgive me? Out of pity? Guilt? After all Lilith says the baby is his, but that doesn’t make it true. Lilith says lots of things.

  Satori, her mind reaches out to him. Satori I am lost. Find me. She feels light stream from her. If he is close perhaps it will lead him to her, unless he is simply a figment of her imagination.

  In the distance she hears Lilith laugh.

  She wonders what she ever saw in that bitch. If I had only opened my eyes and seen her cruelty from the start. When Lilith had demanded I carve her name in my thigh I should have run and never looked back. The choices I made brought me to this point. Love is the devil.

  What now? I can lie here, trying not to let my eyes brim with burning tears, or I can plot. I can try to understand the landscape around me. Maybe I can even change it. She concentrates first on her body. She knows it is broken. Yet she also knows different rules apply here. Blood, like tears, flows without end. Can I use that to my advantage? Maybe I can still escape. She tells herself to push fear from her thoughts. She sees an ugly toad, crouching in the back of her mind. I must expel it. She tells it to go and it simply looks at her. Its red eyes glisten. A green barbed tongue flops out of its fleshy mouth and licks its lips.

  She shudders. Telling herself that this toad is not part of her, she speaks to it. ‘Why are you here?’

  Its eyes darken. It shifts its weight uncomfortably from one foreleg to another. One hind leg stretches and it pushes itself slowly forward.

  ‘I want you to leave,’ she tells it.

  Its skin looks dull and leathery while its eyes and mouth glisten with moisture. It cocks its grotesque head as if trying to understand Sarah’s words.

  Sarah imagines kicking its huge belly and launching it from her mind. She tastes bile. Her stomach revolts. The toad frightens her. It makes her skin crawl. Her kick does not reach it. Perhaps she doesn’t concentrate hard enough? It sits there licking itself like a kitten, unthreatened by her thoughts.

  She wishes she had let Satori guide her and teach her the magic that might save her now. Satori! Is he really my only hope? Of course not. All I need is to understand, learn how to change myself to the new rules that surround me. If I pretend to want Lilith again will she, in her arrogance, teach me what I need to know? The chance is slim. Lilith is smart. She will never empower Sarah. Instead Sarah will be ground down until all strength to resist is lost. Without the freedom to hate my oppressor I shall become nothing.

  Chapter 25

  The air is chill. It bites Freya’s nose as she walks. Her feet crush fallen leaves. Children soar through the air on swings. A game of football can be heard just beyond the brow of the hill.

  She walks across the grass far away from the crumbling stonewalls, letting her mind wander. She remembers times past in the park. Nighttime walks daring would-be attackers to end this empty existence. Time spent watching lovers. Her brother and Raven, before Raven was attacked and killed by Star, came here to make love. She remembers Raven’s striking beauty, her Amazonian build and height. She remembers, also, being teased by her friend, made to feel inadequate: a slave to Raven’s oversized ego.

  ‘Bitch!’

  Freya wonders how her life would have been had her sister not died. Would I lead a normal life? Would I have met other boys and had crushes on them rather than my brother? Would my parents have given me the freedom I so desperately crave? Freedom I found at last in a book about Lilith? Maybe Star and Raven would have survived in that alternate reality?

  The thought of alternate realities brings her back to Satori. So Satori has reached Yesod. She wonders where he will travel next. Will he lose himself in the planes or will he find Star and with her Lilith? Freya hopes she will be there to see that final battle when Lilith will capture Satori and grind him into dust under her foot. Oh to see the goddess at work. To see blood spilt by those hands. Freya looks at her own hands and wonders whether she could kill. She had planned to, that night when she lost her virginity to Dave in the woods, but he tricked her. He made her want to be clung to, to be fucked rather than fuck, to be possessed rather than possess. Her face reddens at the memory. She was so innocent then. Now she would be better prepared. But why would she want to kill him now? Then it was to summon her goddess. What would it achieve now? Will it be the violent act that frees me? The one Lilith promises? At least it could be fun. She pulls her mobile from her bag and dials his number.

  ‘Hullo,’

  ‘Dave?’ she asks.

  ‘Freya! How are you?’

  ‘Good, thanks. Look I’m sorry I’ve been kinda avoiding you. I wondered…’

  ‘Yes, what?’ His voice sounds eager.

  ‘Would you like to go back to those woods tonight?’ she asks. Her heart hammers against her ribs. She shakes and her knuckles whiten as she clings to the phone.

  ‘Of course. You know I’d love to. Your dad though?’

  ‘I know. Don’t come to the house. I can meet you outside the park gates.’

  ‘That sounds wonderful. What time?’ Dave’s voice sounds high with excitement.

  ‘Midnight?’

  ‘Perfect. Oh and Freya…’ He pauses.

  ‘Yes?’ Freya eagerly awaits his words of wisdom. Perhaps they will be his last?

  ‘Thanks for calling.’

  She hangs up and smiles. Her heartbeat slows. She checks her watch. Another eleven hours. She pictures what she will need: a knife, some rope, a torch and perhaps a candle and lighter. There is no rush to fetch them. She decides to phone her brother instead.

  ‘Freya?’ Ivan’s voice sounds breathless.

  Freya shivers in response, her heart pounds harder. ‘Hi Bro. You looking for me?’

  ‘No I’ve got a race today. Remember?’

  ‘Oh shit, sorry Bro. Mum and Dad with you?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘What time you gonna be back?’ She thinks of the empty house, the packing and the necessary preparations.

  ‘Late. Tennish probably.’

  Freya nods. ‘Good luck. Sorry I’m not there.’

  ‘Are you okay, Freya?’

  Her brother’s concern makes Freya grin. ‘Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?’

  ‘Have you seen Satori?’ Ivan asks.

  Freya swallows hard. Of course, that is why he is worried about her. ‘No.’

  ‘Good. Remember he can’t be trusted. Stay away from him.’

  She sighs. Ivan – always my protector. ‘No problem, Bro. See you later. Unless I’m asleep.’

  He snorts. ‘Yeah. Sweet dreams, Sis.’

  She disconnects. ‘Damn!’ Ivan sleek and slippery in his wetsuit. Foam from the white water crashing against his face, shoulders and chest. She licks her lips. Eleven hours with nothing to fill them. What if I pop up to my sacred space armed with an alarm clock so I can wake up in time to meet Dave? An alarm might alert my family. I would have to wake up before they returned. Yes lunch, prepare for the woods and then travel, followed of course by an evening of delights. The perfect Sunday.

  The moment she steps through her door she heads for the kitchen and grabs a candle, lighter and a heavy knife. She finds rope in the shed. It’s longer than she needs but it will work. The coils of rope will not fit in her bag so she hunts for another. One of Ivan’s rucksacks is stored under the stairs. She grabs that, stuffs everything into it and hides it under her bed.

  She makes herself a sandwich and crams
it full with cold beef and mayonnaise. She eats quickly, enjoying every bite. Finally, she downs a glass of water before heading to her room. Her body tingles. Will I see Satori? Will his dagger still be where I left it?

  She sets her alarm for nine-thirty and settles onto her bed. She meditates for a moment on her sacred space: her willow tree and the snake. As she closes her eyes she arrives. The tree is in blossom. It smells beautiful. She parts its heavy boughs and ducks into her cage. Her treasures remain as she left them. The knife seems to vibrate as if Satori is calling it and it yearns to answer. She peers through the branches to the grove beyond. There is no sign of an intruder. She wonders if anyone can reach it without an invitation. I must remember to ask Lilith.

  Kneeling in front of the willow’s trunk, she whispers a prayer. She asks Lilith to protect her and to let her watch when Satori is brought to his knees. She would love to finish him herself but she doubts Lilith would willingly give away such pleasure. Freya will wait and hope and in the meantime practice.

  The space is peaceful. Freya hears nothing other than the whispers of trees. She wanders out into the sunshine. Its rays make her skin sparkle so she removes her clothes, stretching and twisting her limbs in the light. Dancing slowly, she feels more fairy than human: a magical, immortal creature paying tribute to the soft spring sun. Dancing around the tree, she feels free. Light as a feather she could simply float. The thought changes the reality around her and her strides get longer, her bounces higher, until she dances through the air, spinning and laughing. The fragrant air kisses her body and cradles her. Her chest no longer aches with disappointment. This is where she belongs. The other world is not her world. There words are harsh and people hateful. Here everything is fresh and clean and new. No tears wait to overwhelm her. No cruelties and humiliations for her to bear. To stay here forever would be a dream. For a second she wonders whether this is what death is like then music tickles her ears and she sings.