Sarah feels free for a blissful moment until she becomes aware of the sounds around her.
‘What are you doing?’ Lilith screams.
Sarah doesn’t answer. She isn’t even certain that Lilith is talking to her.
‘Stop it! Stop it!’ Lilith’s voice is high and loud. It makes Sarah’s ears ring.
Sarah imagines Lilith stamping her feet like a toddler having a tantrum. In spite of the exhaustion she feels she smiles.
‘I forbid you…you can’t…’
Sarah wants to tell Lilith that she can do anything she wants. She longs to tell her that she understands the rules, but forming the words would take more effort than she can muster. Instead she falls into a perfect sleep.
When Sarah wakes she realises she has been moved. The ground no longer presses against her bruised and bleeding body. She is surrounded by a cushion of air. She cannot move her limbs. Her arms are held behind her back, joined at the wrists. Her legs are crossed and the outer bones of her ankles are fused together. She is suspended in the air by Lilith’s magic. The awkward angles of her body make her shoulders and hips ache. Her mind, however, is free. Sarah feels no fear. The toad is gone.
She opens all the doors in her mind and lets her thoughts wander through its chambers, ignoring her physical discomfort. She reaches the spot where the toad crouched cowering before it leapt and finally vanished. The area is charred. The heat from the toad has left its mark, but Sarah feels confident she can repair it. She looks closer and imagines cleansing rain washing the ash and burnt flesh away. Something glints at the centre. It is a tiny bone: a toad bone. Holding the artefact in her mind Sarah feels its power. It hums with a magic of its own. For the moment she has no idea what it can do and yet she feels certain whatever it does will be magnificent.
‘You’re awake again, my love.’ Lilith’s mocking voice rises up from the ground.
Sarah nods.
‘That was some trick.’
‘Thank you.’ Sarah’s voice is strong.
‘What did you hope to achieve?’
‘I achieved what I needed to,’ Sarah replies.
Lilith is silent for a moment as if struggling to understand the significance of Sarah’s words. ‘You’re still here.’
‘Of course I am,’ Sarah answers.
‘Then what did you gain?’
Sarah finds Lilith’s confusion almost endearing. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
‘Try me.’ There is no trace of malice or mocking in Lilith’s words.
Sarah does not trust the gentle probing. ‘If you really want to understand me why are you holding me prisoner? Untie me.’
‘No,’ Lilith says.
‘Why?’
‘I want to understand you first,’ Lilith says.
‘You want to know whether I can hurt you,’ Sarah says.
‘Of course not. What could you do? I’m a god. You’re an insignificant insect.’
‘Yes, of course I am. Do you always treat insects with such care?’ Sarah smiles.
‘Do not test me with your insolence. Tell me what you achieved.’
‘Untie me.’
‘Never.’ Lilith promises.
‘Then we’re at an impasse, my darling. My lips are sealed.’ Sarah basks in the warmth of her new found courage.
‘They could be, if I willed it.’ Lilith hisses her threat.
Sarah isn’t afraid. What use is fear here? What more can Lilith do? Eyes sealed, my arms and legs bound and my body suspended in air. Sarah remains strong and defiant. ‘Do it then. If that is what you will. I care not.’
‘You should care. You think you’re hurting now. I have a thousand torments in store for you. Each one will be more exquisite than the last.’
‘I will win,’ Sarah promises.
Lilith laughs, but Sarah detects tension in the laughter. Lilith doubts her power over her prisoner.
‘You cannot win. Your hope is false,’ Lilith says.
‘So you say,’ Sarah replies.
‘I say it because it’s true.’
The air howls and searing pain tears at Sarah’s ribs. She bites her lip, holding back tears of pain and frustration. ‘You’re wrong. I know you. I already know what you’re capable of. Truth mixed with lies and infinite cruelty. You have the power to give life and take it away. I am already dead. I have no more for you to take.’
‘I can take away your pride.’
‘No. Only I can do that and I refuse to bow to you. My pride and self love are my shield and armour. You will not take them from me. Everything you do will only make them stronger,’ Sarah says.
‘That’s not true. I know you. I know your weakness.’ Lilith sneers.
Air brushes past Sarah’s body. She feels the ground beneath her toes. Lilith’s lips press against hers. The demon’s tongue pushes inside Sarah’s mouth. Hands eagerly stroke bruised breasts. Sarah’s stomach flutters. Old memories and old desires resurface. Her legs feel weak and she starts to melt.
No! Her mind pulls back. I will not submit. Pulling her mouth away from Lilith’s sweet lips, she whispers. ‘No.’
Lilith steps away for a moment and Sarah hopes she is free. Powerlessness overwhelms her. Betrayed by her body, blushing, she stands awkward and uncertain. Shame rises inside her but she pushes it back down. There is no shame that my nervous system, so used to pain, responds this way to pleasure. I cannot let Lilith win. Whatever happens, however my body might soften or harden to a tender or cruel touch, I must keep my pride intact. This is not of my doing. I never asked for this just as I never asked to be kicked. This is Lilith’s betrayal. Shame is useless. The toad has no place here.
Lilith’s breath caresses Sarah’s thighs. Her nose nudges Sarah’s clitoris. It hardens under the gentle but insistent touch. There is no shame. There is no shame. A lover’s tongue wets her skin. Sarah feels her body open to Lilith’s touch. Her will cannot prevent this and her core welcomes it. In spite of the hatred she feels for Lilith a deep part of Sarah is still in love with her. A part still wants to be held and loved. Kisses reawaken this part of her soul. Try as she might she is powerless to prevent it, her only choices - to endure or enjoy.
She is glad Lilith’s spell prevents her from opening her thighs. Desire overwhelms her. If only things were different. If only she could enjoy this moment, the return of her lover.
Lilith’s fingers stroke the soft skin of her thighs. She shivers. A moan escapes Sarah’s lips. Lilith moves away. In spite of her blindness Sarah can see Lilith’s look of triumph.
‘It makes no difference,’ Sarah says.
‘It makes all the difference,’ Lilith replies.
‘No. I will still win. Your power over me is physical. Your touch will never reach the part of me you want to crush.’
Lilith sighs. Sarah feels her body lift from the ground.
‘Why are you so stubborn? Just admit that you adore me. That life without me is incomplete, hollow,’ Lilith says.
‘But it isn’t. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. The only things I need I already possess.’
‘What?’
‘Strength, dignity, self-respect,’ Sarah answers.
Lilith laughs. ‘Since when? How much self-respect did you have when you smashed Raven’s cheek against a toilet seat? How much dignity did you carry with you as you fled covered in your friend’s blood?’
‘I’ve made mistakes and I’ve paid for them.’
‘You have strength. I’ll give you that much. I have never hurt anyone as much as I’ve hurt you without them begging me for release,’ Lilith says.
‘Even if I begged with all my soul, release isn’t yours to give.’
‘Damn you. You’re far cleverer than I gave you credit for. I thought you were a whinging, clinging child. Now I realise you would make a fine companion. Ask me again and I’ll release you from your bonds. We can rule this world together. Not equals perhaps, but partners.’
Sarah stays silent. She smiles. Power fills he
r. Lilith is lonely. Lilith needs her strength. Sarah has already won.
‘Fuck, you’re stubborn. If my baby wasn’t so attached to you I’d crush you like the insect you are,’ Lilith says.
As if the words are an invitation Star feels tiny reptilian fingers on her ankle. The creature uses its claws to climb Star’s leg like a cat might clamber up a curtain. She tries to shake it from her body, but its grip is too strong. As it clamps its teeth around her breast she feels her soul shrivel and hide. I might be strong, but am I really strong enough for this?
Chapter 33
Satori hurries onwards. Trees of every size and colour skirt the path: trees from which rubies hang rather than fruit, oaks which tower above him, silver birch and Norwegian spruce trees. Splendour reaches away from him and gives him shade. Between the trunks of the trees, flowers vie for Satori’s attention. Their perfumes remind him of exotic nights and summer days. Their mingled scent brings back childhood memories of swinging in a hammock and more recent recollections of passionate embraces.
His limbs are reluctant to carry onwards. His nostrils tempt him to sleep among the flowers and mosses. Shaking his head, he tries to rid himself of their allure. He doesn’t need rest. He needs to keep moving.
He pushes onwards, forcing his feet through sheer will and determination to stride along the path. The pathway bends and he follows its curves as they slice through the flora. As he turns yet another bend a shape breaks the monotony of beauty. A woman lies across the pathway. Her face rests on her hands.
The woman has short, dark hair. She wears a white dress, tied across her with ribbons.
Satori bends towards her and touches her shoulder.
‘You’ve fallen asleep,’ he whispers.
She does not stir. As her perfume mingles with the scent of the forest Satori recognises her.
‘Donna?’ he asks.
She remains asleep, slumped across the pathway.
Satori gently rolls her onto her back and recoils. He remembers Freya’s words too late and is not prepared for what he sees. He stands and rushes into the trees. His hand rests on a trunk for support and he vomits. Shaking, he glances back towards Donna and heaves again.
While her back looks perfect, her front looks anything but. The fire has left its mark. Her face is red, black and white. Satori wonders how she survived such destruction. Skin has melted away in the fire leaving parts of her skull exposed. Her hairline only reaches the crown of her head. From that point forwards she has no hair, even her eyebrows and eyelashes have gone. Her eyelids are blackened and he is frightened to see what damage the blaze may have done to the eyes beneath. Her lips are pulled back from her teeth and a ghoulish, skeletal grin greets him.
He is tempted to leave her lying there. Walk along the path and try to forget the ghastly image, but she is, in spite of their differences, Star’s friend.
He approaches her. She looks more like a corpse than a person. He kneels beside her and lifts her shoulders until she lies across his lap. He is frightened to stroke her hair or her cheek in case he does more damage. Instead he blows air softly into her face and repeats her name.
‘Donna, Donna, Donna, are you there?’
Her eyelids flutter. He braces himself for more horror. As the lids lift he sees her brown eyes, untouched by the fire.
‘Steve?’ Her voice rasps as if her windpipe is as scarred as her face. He wishes he had some water to offer her. Something to soothe the pain she must feel.
‘Hello Donna.’
‘What are you doing here? I heard them say no one but Mum could visit me.’
‘We’re not in the hospital,’ he replies.
‘Where are we?’ She tries to lift her head, sighing with effort. Her eyes focus on the trees.
‘We’re in Hod,’ he answers.
‘Am I dead?’ she asks.
‘I don’t think so. Perhaps you’re dreaming?’
‘Hod?’ Donna asks.
Satori nods.
‘Where is Hod?’
‘It’s complicated, and we should get going. Let me tell you on the way,’ Satori says.
‘I don’t think I can walk, Steve,’ Donna says.
‘I’ll gladly carry you. If you’ll let me,’ he offers.
Her face softens into a smile and her mask of pain diminishes for a few seconds then it returns. He lifts her up and carries her, cradled in his arms, through the forest.
‘Hod,’ he tells her. ‘Is another dimension. It’s like a dream world except you usually go there when your mind is conscious.’
He can tell by her glazed expression that she does not understand.
‘When Star died…’ he continues.
‘She really is dead?’ Donna’s huge brown eyes beg Satori to say no.
‘Yes, sorry, I thought you knew. I thought that was why…’
‘Yes. I just hoped…never mind…please, carry on,’ Donna says.
‘When Star died I don’t think she went to heaven or hell as Christians might describe them. She also didn’t cease to exist, perhaps because she was tied to Lilith?’
‘Lilith?’ Donna asks.
‘You didn’t know, did you? Okay, that woman she went with was a demon. The demon’s name is Lilith.’
Donna starts to laugh. The sound is dry and brittle like the crackle of autumn leaves underfoot. In spite of his frustration Satori pities her.
‘Are you going to listen?’ His voice is sharp.
‘Of course. It’s just…demon?’
‘If you can’t accept that just wait until I tell you the rest,’ Satori says.
‘If sorry. Tell me. Tell me it all.’
‘Well I think Star is in Binah. That’s Lilith’s plane, realm, world, whatever you want me to call it.’
‘World. I can understand world,’ Donna says.
‘Binah is near the top of what is called the Tree of Life. With me so far?’
‘No, maybe you should just carry on and I’ll try to figure it out when you finish,’ Donna says.
‘All right. Earth, as you know it, is on the Tree as well, but it’s called Malkuth and it’s at the bottom. The worlds on the tree are connected to each other and at the same time they’re inside our minds.’
‘Magic?’ Donna asks.
‘Yes, that’s right. You access them with magic.’ Satori pauses for a moment.
‘So how did I get here? I don’t know any magic,’ Donna says.
‘I’m told you’re in a coma. Maybe people in comas can access the worlds too.’
‘Maybe? You mean you don’t know why I’m here anymore than I do?’
Satori shakes his head. ‘If we get back home, we can ask Ivan.’
‘If?’ Donna shudders.
Satori nods. ‘We might not get back. We might die or be trapped here. Where I’m going…it’s dangerous.’
‘Are you going to Sarah?’ Donna asks.
‘Yes,’ he answers.
‘Then I’ll come. Or at least I’ll stay until I’m too much of a burden,’ she says.
‘You’re not a burden. Who knows? I might need you.’
‘Need me?’
‘I was told I need to walk as a man and a woman. I thought at first it meant with Star and then I wondered whether it meant I should be in touch with my female side. Now I think it means you.’
‘Okay, so we came from Earth and now we’re here and we’re heading towards…what did you call it?’ she asks.
‘Binah. I came through another world first and I think we might need to travel through one or maybe even five more worlds before we reach her. Some of them seem beautiful, like this one. Others might be different.’
‘In what way?’ she asks.
‘Monsters, demons, angels, burning suns, freezing winds…I don’t know. I have a map but it doesn’t tell me much.’ Satori pulls the map from his pocket and the piece of bark falls to the floor.
‘What did you drop?’ Donna asks.
Satori crouches down and picks it up.
&n
bsp; ‘I have one just like that,’ Donna says.
‘The bark?’ he asks.
‘The marking. I saw it when I they carried me to the ambulance.’
‘Where is it?’ Satori asks. His eyes widen and his pulse races.
Donna blushes. ‘It isn’t pretty.’
‘It’s okay,’ says Satori. ‘I’ve seen a lot of things in the last few months.’
He looks at her face. She doesn’t know. He swallows hard and forces a smile. ‘Show me, please.’
Donna rolls up the sleeve of her dress. On her arm are raised blisters. The design is intricate. She’s right, it looks similar to his letter, but it’s not the same. He stares hard at it, memorising every detail. He wonders how it sounds. Hopefully, when he needs the letters, not knowing the pronunciation will not matter.
‘What do you think?’ Donna asks.
‘I think it’s very important. Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome…Steve…I’m sorry,’ she says.
‘What? What have you got to be sorry for?’ he asks.
‘Doubting you, hating you,’ she replies.
Satori cannot hold back his tears. Donna’s words echo the dying plea of Star. Forgive me. ‘There is nothing to forgive.’
Chapter 34
Deya stares at the front door then at the ring full of keys she pulls from her bag. Which one will fit? She tries three in the lock before the door opens.
‘Oh, it’s you Freya. Didn’t your key work?’ Lorraine stands in the hallway, hands on hips, studying Deya.
Deya smiles. ‘Sorry Mum. It was just kinda sticking.’
Lorraine shrugs, turns and walks away.
‘Mum.’
Her mother hesitates for a moment then turns around to face the woman she believes is her daughter.
‘What can I do?’ Deya asks.
‘What do you mean?’
‘What can I do to make it right? You won’t speak to me. You can hardly bear to look me in the eye.’
‘Don’t talk nonsense, Freya. We’re talking now.’
‘I’m talking. You’re trying to walk away,’ Deya says.
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