Starblood Trilogy

by Carmilla Voiez

  Star pauses and Edensun squeezes her hand.

  She smiles at him, but there are tears in her eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t be. What happened?’

  ‘I stabbed myself. I was trying to kill us both. I didn’t know. Please forgive me.’

  Edensun swallows hard then pulls her trembling hand towards his lips and kisses her fingers. ‘I understand. The world, your world, terrifies me too.’

  ‘Yet you came here…’

  ‘To find you, yes.’

  ‘And you did. We found each other.’

  Edensun nods. His mother’s words are painful. Some things he simply understands and others Lilith told him, but some things are new. He now realises how difficult Star’s childhood had been, more difficult than his own. Lilith, at least, loves him and her handmaidens tend to his every need, but there is a hole he needs to fill and Star can help him. He will wait to hear everything she has to say. Her tiny movements enchant him. The way her mouth changes shape, the way she stares at her feet when recalling a painful memory and the way she twists her hands when she worries about hurting his feelings. ‘What happened after you stabbed yourself?’

  ‘I woke up. Lilith had taken me to Binah and you’d already been born. I don’t remember your birth at all, I’m sorry.’

  ‘When you saw me, did you love me?’

  Star wrings her hands. ‘I – I…’

  ‘What was I like?’

  ‘You didn’t look human.’

  ‘Ahh. I scared you. This.’ He grins and passes a theatrical sweep of his hand in front of him. ‘I had to learn, over time, how to…pass.’

  ‘Pass?’

  ‘As human.’

  Star nods and wipes her eyes. ‘How do you really look?’

  ‘Do you really want to know?’

  Star sighs. ‘I’ve seen many things. More than a mind should be able to process in one lifetime and I’m still standing, somehow. Yes. I want to know how my son really looks.’

  Edensun nods. The change happens slowly and gradually. Edensun’s eyes become a brighter green. They stretch and protrude from his face. He grows taller, until he towers above Star, almost twice her height. His hair thins then disappears. His ears grow smaller until they are simply holes in either side of his elongated face. His nose widens and flattens and his warm, brown skin fades to a pale grey. The texture of his skin changes; it crisps like bark and splits into small, rough scales.

  His face ceases altering and he watches as Star’s eyes drop to his body. His clothes no longer cover him. Her vision glides across the grey scales which decorate his torso. His body is gaunt, ribs protrude and the stomach below dips as though he is emaciated. His arms have the same scales. His upper arms are huge and powerful, they taper below the elbows and each ends in a single vicious sting-like claw. These claws rest on the floor with a third slightly larger claw between them from the end of his single, tail-like lower appendage. Framing all this horrifying magnificence, huge black, leathery wings unfold from his shoulder blades and spread out behind him. He stands like a tripod, holding his body motionless so as to not frighten her more, but when she looks up at his face again she shakes with fear.

  Edensun feels tears swell in his saucer-like eyes. He opens his mouth to speak, remembers his razor-sharp teeth and closes it again.

  Star nods. ‘Edensun.’ Her voice is full of awe. ‘My son.’

  He changes back to his human form and takes a step towards her. They are the same height and he wraps his arms around her and rests his chin on her shoulder. ‘This is who I am.’

  He feels Star’s arms circle his waist. She hugs him tightly.

  ‘You are beautiful,’ she tells him.

  ‘So, why did you leave me?’ His tears drop onto her shoulder. His voice trembles and he feels as though a hole in his chest will swallow him at any moment.

  ‘Satori came for me,’ she answers. ‘And I felt I had to leave. There wasn’t a day that passed when I didn’t wonder whether I made the wrong decision. I should have stayed or brought you with me. I’m sorry.’

  ‘You thought of me?’

  ‘Always. I hoped I might see you again and you might forgive me.’

  ‘Oh, Mummy. I forgive you.’

  He feels Star’s body shake in his arms. Her tears soak his skin. He pulls away and looks at her beautiful face. ‘We can be together now, if that’s what you want.’

  ‘Of course it is,’ she answers and wipes her face with her sleeve.

  Edensun nods. ‘But I have to give you the choice. There are rules.’

  ‘I’ve made my choice,’ she answers. Her face is lit with joy and love.

  ‘It isn’t that simple. Things have happened through your life. I have the power to change them. I can take you back to any point. Think of a time you might want to change and I can place you there. You might be able to have a better relationship with your parents. You might choose a different university, in which to study, and never meet Donna or Satori. You might stay with Satori and he might never have opened the door for Lilith.’

  ‘But if those things changed you wouldn’t exist.’

  ‘I know,’ Edensun says. ‘But Ivan, Raven and Satori would still be alive. That is the choice you must make.’

  ‘Between you and the others?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Star sits down. ‘You’re asking me to decide whether my friends live or die?’

  ‘I am. I can’t make the choice for you. It’s yours and yours alone.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘It’s a balance, death and life. One cannot exist without the other.’

  ‘But why must it be my choice?’

  ‘It just is.’

  Star nods. ‘It isn’t fair, but I know, more than most, I guess, that life is not fair. So I can return to any point in my past, but if I do I will lose you?’

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘What if I return to Binah, when you were just an infant, before I left with Satori?’

  ‘He will still come for you.’

  ‘But if I refuse to leave?’

  ‘He would stay too and Lilith would kill him or he would kill me, perhaps both. Satori and I cannot exist together. You must choose.’

  ‘If I stay here?’

  ‘Then together we can go anywhere we want, but your friends will be dead.’

  Star nods. ‘I understand. I’ve made my choice.’

  Edensun kisses her cheek. ‘Tell me, please.’

  ‘I choose you.’

  Chapter 55

  ‘It’s good to see you, Daddy.’ Freya grasps her father’s fingers and squeezes.

  She ignores the distractions around the room as best she can: the coughing nurse and the watchful orderly who appears to be suffering from an itchy forearm. Her father has come to see her and that is all she cares about.

  He looks sad and older than she remembers him. She wonders how long she has stayed within these walls. It doesn’t feel longer than a week, but her mind is always full of chemically induced fog and it’s hard to remember.

  ‘It’s good to see you, Freya,’ he answers.

  ‘How’s Mum? How’s…’ She swallows back tears. Ivan is dead. They told me yesterday and the day before. How could I forget? ‘How’s Mum?’

  Mike sniffs, squeezes her hand gently and shakes his head. ‘Are they treating you well?’

  Freya has never considered the question before. She doesn’t feel hungry and she has not been beaten. They make books available to her. She frowns. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘The funeral is tomorrow,’ he tells her. ‘I’ll say goodbye for you.’

  Her heart races and her forehead sweats. She starts to pant and the nurse moves to stand. ‘I didn’t mean to…’ Her huge eyes plead for forgiveness.

  The nurse touches Freya’s shoulder.

  Freya flinches at the unexpected contact. ‘I’m okay now.’

  The nurse nods and returns to her chair at the edge of the room.

  ‘They’re al
ways watching,’ Freya whispers. ‘Eyes everywhere.’

  A tear rolls down her father’s cheek and he sniffs. The sound is ragged and wet. ‘They want to keep you safe.’

  Freya shudders. Her father is sad. He’s sad because she killed his son. But she didn’t mean to. He can’t be sad. He needs to be strong. He is the mortar that holds everyone together. Panic rises from her chest to her throat and she tries to turn from his tears, but cannot. Their glistening wetness draws her eyes and she feels herself drown in the saline and tries to swim against the current of his sadness.

  She frowns at him. She is the cause of his suffering, but this time he does not want to save her. His ashen face is hard and determined. His resentment cuts her like ice. She wants to remind him that she is his and he belongs to her, always. ‘What will they do with me, Daddy? What will happen to my baby?’

  Mike straightens himself and leans back. He allows Freya’s hand to slip from his fingers. ‘Your mother and I…’ He narrows his eyes and breathes deeply. ‘Your mother and I plan to adopt Jasmine.’

  Freya shakes her head. Voices scream between her ears. Pressing her palms against her earlobes she tries to focus. Are you rejecting me, Daddy? Her voice rises in panic. ‘No,’ she says. ‘You can’t. She’s mine, not yours.’ She rises to her feet, hands clenched.

  Mike backs away. The orderly catches Freya mid-lunge. Her hands never reach her father’s throat. A sound somewhere between a scream and a gurgle bursts from her open jaws. The nurse makes soft cooing sounds as she presses a needle into Freya’s arm. Freya’s eyelids feel heavy. She wants to say goodbye. She wants to ask her father to come back and see her again. She wants to ask him to bring her daughter next time, but her mouth will not obey her instructions. Her lips feel swollen and her eyes fill with impotent tears.

  ‘I think it’s probably best if…’ The nurse says before Freya loses her grip on consciousness.

  Chapter 56

  ‘Can we go home?’ Star asks.

  ‘Which one?’ Mark replies.

  ‘Earth, Malkuth, my house…no the park, the one near Raven’s old flat. We can walk together and talk.’ She giggles. ‘I can push my son on the swings.’

  ‘Mum!’ he says.

  She laughs louder and is delighted when he laughs too.

  ‘Okay,’ he says. ‘The park. Hold my hand and jump.’

  They land together on brittle grass. The frost filled air steals Star’s breath, but the sun is shining. She takes her son’s hand and starts to walk.

  ‘You can live with me. We’ll have to get you into the local school. I’m not sure how to go about registering you. Do you even exist?’

  He laughs and grabs her, lifting her into the air and swinging her round as though she is the child. ‘You find out you have a demonic son and you want to know whether you can register him in the local school? You are completely insane. You know that, right?’

  She playfully beats her hands against his chest. ‘Put me down this instant, young man. Show your mother some respect.’

  He pulls a face at her and she laughs.

  She turns away giggling and notices a crowd of people staring at them. ‘Umm, we appear to be drawing a lot of attention to ourselves, Edensun. Maybe we should try to blend in?’

  He puts her down gently. The crowd of spectators thickens. They no longer watch in amusement or confusion. Their faces twist into angry masks.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Star asks.

  Mark shakes his head. ‘I don’t know…but…run.’

  He grabs her hand and pulls her away. Her shoulder burns from the sudden jolt. They run together as fast as she can manage. She glances back at her pursuers. The group is growing in numbers. ‘What do they want?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he tells her.

  They keep running. They dash through the park gate and on to the street. Star sees more people as they turn the corner. A few wear the same long white robes as worn by the worshippers who followed her to Paul’s house, but most are dressed normally. All of them look enraged.

  Mark sees them too. He spins around and pulls Star in the opposite direction. They dart across the road. Tyres screech as a van tries to brake. With a thud, the swerving vehicle pushes Star upwards. She lets go of Mark’s hand and flies through the air. For a moment she drifts. It feels like freedom. Her body is weightless and the air embraces her as she soars. Silence surrounds her. Then she falls, bouncing heavily on the road. The peaceful silence breaks as her bones shatter. Noise punches her eardrums and her vision turns red. She sees feet and legs surround her. Voices rise and become roars of manic excitement.

  ‘I’m here,’ Mark tells her, a calm centre within the storm.

  She focuses only on him. As he holds her hand, the crowd thickens around them. Fists and feet dart towards them. She feels echoes of the blows Mark receives. ‘Get us out of here,’ she whispers.

  Chapter 57

  Edensun strokes his mother’s hair. He rocks her in his arms as if she were his child. Perhaps she is, for now he has the chance to help her grow, discover anew what makes her special. He knows she will make him proud.

  Star opens her eyes, looks around and gasps. Edensun watches as she fills her fists with damp soil. He frowns, confused for a moment then continues to stroke her hair, trying to calm her. He feels her shudder in his lap.

  ‘Welcome home, Star,’ Lilith says. The goddess strides towards them and touches Edensun’s shoulder. ‘You did it.’

  ‘Yes,’ he nods. ‘Welcome home, Mum.’

  The giant wyrm slithers behind his mistress.

  ‘Lilith, Siloth, Edensun, I’m home.’ Star’s voice shakes. She pushes herself from Edensun’s lap and sits up. ‘Somehow, I knew I’d end up here.’

  ‘Does that make you sad?’ Lilith asks.

  Star turns her head. She looks towards the great Siloth, Lilith and at last at Edensun. He feels himself absorbed by her hungry stare. As if after all these years she can know him simply by looking into his eyes. He shudders and wonders whether in fact she can.

  ‘No,’ she answers simply. ‘It’s where I belong.’

  Lilith smiles and Edensun tightens his grip around her. Siloth nods his blind head in agreement.

  ‘What now?’ Star asks after a few moments of silence.

  ‘That’s up to you,’ Lilith answers. ‘It always was.’

  Star turns to face Edensun again. ‘A second chance, to do things right. I want to know you. I want to make up for my years of absence.’

  Edensun smiles. Warmth spreads through his body. This scene is more perfect than any he could imagine. His mother is here and she loves him. There is nothing he cannot do with her by his side, watching him in admiration.

  He stands and gently pulls Star to her feet with him. ‘I can give you a tour. Do you want to see where I was born?’

  She nods slowly.

  The four of them move together. They do not rush. Star seems unsure of her footing. Edensun holds her arm. Every few steps he feels her falter and shake.

  ‘Are you ready for this?’ he asks her. ‘It can wait.’

  Star shakes her head. ‘I’ve wasted too much time already. Show me, please.’

  The distant villa is their destination. As they approach its outer walls it shimmers, becoming less rather than more defined. Plant colours bleed into each other. The place does not appear solid, but rather an impression created by light, like a painting by Monet.

  Edensun feels Star’s grip on his arm tighten as she pushes herself against his body. He wonders whether it is fear or awe she feels. He has lived here most of his life. However, the villa still confuses his senses. It is a place and yet it is not a place. It is an idea of a place projected by Lilith’s mind. It changes with the goddess’s mood. Today it is sunny and bright, full of excitement.

  ‘It’s okay,’ he whispers in his mother’s ear.

  Lilith pushes open the shifting, shimmering door with a gentle touch. Inside white marble shines like moonlight. Every surface glow
s. ‘This is where I work.’ Lilith smiles at Star.

  ‘The columns of mist?’ Star asks.

  Lilith nods. ‘Everything is created by The One. Potential and energy are filtered through Binah in these columns you see. That energy is boundless. It carries within it everything than can be achieved. The energy is anarchic, fluid, borderless and limitless. I give it limits. I mould the energy, the pure thought, into flesh. Then it is ready for its journey towards birth and Malkuth - Earth. I made you and I made Edensun. By tying energy to flesh I give it both life and death. Energy does not die, but flesh does. I am the terrible mother. I give life and bind each new life to its own mortality - to death.’

  ‘And Edensun?’

  ‘If Edensun were to live on earth as human, his form would age and die eventually. It is the nature of things.’

  ‘But here?’

  Edensun grips Star’s hands and turns her to face him. ‘I am not human, Mother. You have seen my true form. I am the god of In Between, the god of nowhere and everywhere. Outside the tree of life, I am free to make my own rules. I reign in the darkness, the places beyond.’

  ‘And here?’ Star stares into his green eyes.

  ‘Here, like you, I am Lilith’s guest, but we are welcome guests and no harm will come to us.’

  Star embraces her son and looks at Lilith. ‘Can we die here?’

  Lilith laughs.

  Star shudders.

  Edensun catches hold of fragments of Star’s memories as they flood into her skull. She bled here. Her stomach was open and her organs exposed, yet she did not die.

  ‘That depends on my will,’ Lilith answers.

  He realises the pain and torment he caused his mother. His infant fangs had torn her flesh. He had terrified her. He holds her tightly until she stops shaking. ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’

  Star steps back a pace and stares at Edensun. ‘Sorry for what?’

  ‘Hurting you.’

  ‘You are my son, my only son. When my body healed, a void was left, an ache that was constant. When I left Binah part of me was left behind. I’m the one who should be sorry.’