Choices
Page 10
I wondered if having more alone time would make everything easier, but at the same time the idea terrified me. The last time I was alone I managed to pick a fight with a jinni which was bad, but there were worse things I could—and possibly would—do.
Alone I’d have no distractions from memories of my last hours, which liked to visit when I least expected them. . . .
No, I was lucky that Quintus was always around. I could barely shake him, which wouldn’t have been bad if he wasn’t always so cryptic. Who were these elder people and why wouldn’t he tell me about them? He went on and on about every other creature or race in the Abyss, but about the one race I actually belonged to, he barely said a word.
My day with Jace still had me puzzled, too. Jace could sort of do what I did, but not exactly. It gave me hope it wasn’t a jinn thing, but I still couldn’t be sure. To top it off, Quintus had been acting stranger than normal, more awkward and uncomfortable, which made me wonder if he had the same suspicion. All of this led me to one question: why was Holden still messing up my life?
Just thinking Holden’s name brought him closer to the surface—not where I wanted him to be. I wanted him as far away as I could get him. I wanted to never have to think about him again. A knock on my door pulled me from my thoughts. “Come in.”
“Do you want to go do something?” Quintus asked, dimples in full effect, hands in his pockets. “Something that has absolutely nothing to do with the Abyss or guardians?”
“You have no idea how much.”
“Great! I have been around long enough that I forget sometimes how stressful it can be. It won’t hurt you to take a night off. It might even help.”
“What do you want to do?”
He shrugged. “You’re the expert at being human. What would you like to do?”
“You’re more familiar with Italy.”
“We can go anywhere you would like, except St. Louis.”
“Let’s go to New York.”
“New York?”
“Yeah. I haven’t been there in a while and I don’t know anyone there, but it’s an awesome place to people watch and window shop and you know, just be yourself.” Plus nothing there reminded me of Holden—even better.
“New York it is.” He held out a hand towards me.
I climbed off the bed. “One sec.” I envisioned something more appropriate than yoga pants and a t-shirt, but still comfortable. I settled on jeans and a long sleeve black Henley. Then I took his hand and let him take me to New York City.
As soon as we arrived and the head rush passed, I let go of him. I knew it was ridiculous, but I felt like I was cheating in some way, especially when Quintus’ touch lingered.
We meandered down the busy streets, just looking around. Someone stopped and asked me for the time, but I didn’t have a watch. When he walked away Quintus asked, “Why do you do that?”
“What?”
“Repress your light all the time.”
“Oh, do I?” I asked innocently. I knew I did it, and I had no intention of stopping. I looked more normal and felt more normal without the constant reminder of what I was. I felt safer like this, and safety was something I sorely needed right now. “I guess it’s more natural for me.”
“That’s so unusual.” He smiled. “I never know what to expect with you.” His hand reached towards my shoulder, but I dodged him by feigning interest in a window display we were passing.
And so the evening went. We made easy small talk, which was nice. I didn’t ask Quintus any personal questions because I had no intentions of answering his. He didn’t try to touch me again, which was appreciated. He just hung out with me and I felt given enough time and distance from what happened, Quintus and I could become very good friends. Night was beginning to fall as we strolled into Central Park. I loved studying the people as they passed by. It made me feel like very little had changed. We sat on a bench near an ice skating rink and watched the skaters twirl by, laughing and smiling.
After a little while though, I started to feel like an outsider looking through the window of people living the life I wanted. The thought so depressing, I nearly asked Quintus to take me home—but then he made two sets of ice skates appear.
“Want to give it go?” His warm whiskey colored eyes twinkled, and I wished I felt something, anything, for them. “I’ll teach you, but you have to let your light free.”
“Why?”
“So you won’t be seen and I can catch you if you fall.”
“I don’t know, Quinn.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun.”
I agreed, not really believing it would be fun at all. We laced up our skates and headed for the ice. Immediately my feet sent danger signals to my brain that made my fingers dig into Quintus’s surprisingly firm arm for support. He laughed and patiently helped me move around the rink. After the first lap I was more secure and we went a little faster for the second lap. Quintus was patient and true to his word, he caught me every time I was about to fall.
If only he were as good at teaching me how to be a guardian as he was at teaching me to ice skate, I thought wryly. Before I knew it, I was having fun despite my hang ups. I didn’t notice my light, I didn’t worry about whether or not I would be a good guardian, and I didn’t think about the fact that I had recently died.
We laughed and enjoyed ourselves, which filled me with warmth that made it easier to let my own light shine even brighter. And I never once thought of Holden.
Sixteen
“Just choose one.” Baker gave me an impatient look I chose to ignore.
“I don’t want either of them. They’re both too weak.”
“Cicero has the appearance of strength.”
“But it’s all appearance. Kill his muscle and he’s like a kitten. He can’t have my back.”
“Then go with Phoenix.”
“Too young, too inexperienced. I need a leader not a trainee.” I shook my head. I needed someone like me, but I would never trust someone like me. “I made the connections. They’ll both seek me out and want my friendship. I don’t need a captain for the jinn yet. I’ve been taking care of them, and I will continue to take care of them.”
“But that’s not how it’s done—”
“That’s how I’m doing it,” I cut him off.
“Well, you’re a stubborn son of a bitch—” Baker looked at his watch, “who never sleeps. Maybe you can pull it off. At least groom Phoenix for the position.”
I made a noncommittal noise and rolled my neck and shoulders as the figures on the spreadsheet in front of me began to swim.
“You know, I haven’t seen you do anything fun in the weeks I’ve known you. You’re always holed up in this office or at your apartment or glued to that damn phone. I thought jinn were carefree and reckless.”
I glared at him.
He held up his hands. “Not that I’m complaining. You kind of remind me of the old days, but I do think we should go out and blow off some steam tonight.” He lifted his red eyebrows. “Or do you gotta go home and see your old lady?”
“I’ve told you, there’s no one who has me wrapped around her finger.”
“Agree to disagree.”
“You’re lucky you’re useful, or I’d have killed you long ago for being annoying.” I shook my head. Baker was growing on me. “Xavier is opening tonight. I need to stop by.”
“Great. They have drinks, music, foxes, and I happen to know the owner.”
I frowned. “Baker, you’re unequivocally not allowed to work my club. Do you understand?”
“Scouts honor. I won’t work it, just have a little fun.”
****
It didn’t look like the same place anymore. I stood outside of the club, admiring my plans having been brought to life. Diamonds was no longer, now stood Xavier. I had more than tripled the size of the original location by expanding to its two neighboring buildings. Chicago’s newest night spot was opening tonight and the town was abuzz with anticipation. The complex feat
ured multiple bars, a dance club, and private party facilities.
Juliet had somehow managed to get the newspapers to not only promote the club, but to laud it as a miracle-enterprise that had turned the whole neighborhood around. Press, red carpet, lights, and hopefully droves of people would fill the area in a couple hours. I had numerous jinn lined up to keep bad elements from the club’s vicinity. They’d direct criminal traffic to different areas of the city, so there’d be no problems for the yuppies, socialites, and minor celebrities I was depending on to make admittance to Xavier the most lusted after ticket in the city.
The employees were all young, fresh-faced, and beautiful—mixed with a good sprinkling of new jinn who knew their purpose was to make sure everyone believed they were having the best time here. New jinn because they were easiest to mold. The ones who had been around awhile dealt too much in violence. They wouldn’t create the atmosphere or the clientele wanted. I slipped through the back door and headed up four flights of stairs to my new office. I had no intention of participating in the circus that was already beginning to form, though Baker expected me to later on. And much to Juliet’s annoyance, I refused to let her tie me to any of this. I didn’t want my picture in the paper, and I didn’t want articles mentioning me. I would remain completely anonymous in the venture. If it succeeded, I would have a target on my back. There was no need to make it easier for them to find me.
My new office was expansive, with a private bar, restroom, two couches, and a beautifully handcrafted desk. I looked out the window to see a long line forming outside of the building; relief flooded me. Unfolding the latest newspaper with a large article about the club, I settled into my chair and began reading. Juliet’s devotion to the club launch didn’t lessen my suspicion about her, but it did make me more forgiving of her annoying personality. The jinn numbers were growing and most everyone was adjusting to the new order of things without any major problems. Some of the older jinn and the Danica loyalists were causing the occasional hiccup, but mostly everything was going better than expected. However, Danica still hadn’t made her move and I still had no idea where she’d strike first. It worried me, but I chose to put it out of my mind.
We were in the process of changing jinn thinking from self-centered to group oriented. As I knew personally, one of the biggest downfalls for jinn was that once you had everything and there was nothing else to want, you were overwhelmed with boredom because everything was always the same. But seeing your actions as part of the whole and having a unified purpose? It opened up endless opportunities. Even I wasn’t bored anymore.
It amazed me to no end, but I was pleased. The project had given me new purpose, a challenge.
I refolded the paper, tossed it into the recycling bin and reviewed the monthly statistics I compiled for Malphas, whom I expected to arrive at any moment. A sharp knock sounded at the door, without waiting for a response, Malphas and his jinni companion walked into the room.
“Malphas, Nicola.” I nodded.
“Holden.” Malphas said and sat on the couch. Nicola stayed by the door, clipboard in hand and no expression on her face. “What do you have for me?”
I handed him the spreadsheet. He took a few minutes flipping through it. “Marked improvement.”
I nodded.
“It has brought some notice to us. Expect an increased guardian presence, but don’t let it slow you down.”
“It won’t be a problem.” Guardians didn’t concern me; it wasn’t like they ever posed much of a problem with their gentle, unobtrusive methods. They were too meek to ever make a difference.
“See to it.”
“Next month?”
He nodded and Malphas and Nicola left without another word, typical meeting. Everything was going according to plan. I could handle the guardians when they came, so long as Quintus didn’t come with them. If he did then, well, I wouldn’t be responsible for anything that happened to him. I had no particular grudge against him, but I wasn’t about to do him any favors either. Those times were long gone.
I lay back on the couch and closed my eyes. With all the work to do, it had been days since I slept. I was drifting off when a little rush of frustration hit my mind—then was gone the next instant. What the hell? I opened my eyes I was still alone in the room. What was that?
Again, I closed my eyes and began to slip away. This time I was hit with another sensation, a deeper more permanent feeling that I was very familiar with: sorrow. Overwhelming sadness, longing, and despair braided their way through my mind. It had been a long time since I felt any of those emotions in this magnitude. The thin layer of frustration did nothing to disguise what was churning below.
But these weren’t my feelings, I was sure of it. I had only ever been able to feel the emotions of one other person in this place so deep inside of me—but it couldn’t be her—not after this long.
I concentrated to block them from my mind. Someone was doing this to me. I was under attack. The emotions stubbornly stayed put. They were buried so deep within, I wasn’t sure how to push them back out. I panicked at the thought that I couldn’t get rid of them.
“No . . .” I might have groaned the word aloud. I didn’t want these feelings back. I practically resold my soul to make them manageable the last time. I couldn’t do it again.
“Holden.” A hand stroked my face, tearing my thoughts back to my external world. I grabbed it by the wrist opening my eyes. Juliet sat in front of me, stunning in a navy cashmere dress.
“What are you doing in here?” Suspicion filled me, though I knew she wasn’t strong enough to do this.
“Do you want to sleep through the entire opening?”
“Has it started? How are the crowds?”
“See for yourself.” She nodded towards my window. I released her. Outside the club was swarming with people vying for the chance to get in and news vans, everything I hoped.
“Great, I’m going to go home.”
“You’re leaving? You don’t want to stay?”
“Not really. Baker will be by later, make sure he has a good time.”
“Baker,” she frowned and spit out his name. “I’ll never understand you.”
“There’s nothing to understand.”
“Why is it you work a hundred hours a week, but don’t want to reap the rewards? Why is that every week you receive one phone call that you don’t answer, but leave shortly after you receive it? How come you never cut loose, Holden? You never reach out and take what you want. Always so controlled, always so secretive. How come you turn down every advance I make?”
Juliet being my assistant was a two way street. Yes, I was able to keep an eye on her, but apparently she’d been keeping an eye on me as well—slightly problematic. “Because I control being a jinni, it doesn’t control me.”
She ran a hand down my arm, “But it’s so much more fun over here.”
Another wave of despair crashed over me. I needed to feel anything, but it. I grabbed Juliet roughly, kissing her without any thought of civility or gentleness, with brute survival instincts.
She bit my lip, drawing blood, then pulled back from me and licked my blood off her lips. “I knew you had it in you. Give me a chance Holden. You won’t regret it.”
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my jacket. She stood dumbfounded in the center of the room. I paused at the door. “Are you coming?”
She looked over at me her eyes wide and a small smile on her lips. “Not yet.”
Juliet was at my side a moment later. I had zero interest in her, but I wasn’t about to let myself get sucked back into that place it took me years to scratch, claw, and fight my way out from.
If rough, mind-numbing sex with someone I didn’t like or trust was what it took to keep me free then so be it. I was sure she had an angle—sure since day one. There was a reason she was here and it wasn’t for my benefit. Yes, she had helped me and did a wonderful job, but I wasn’t a fool. There was more to this seduction than sex on her part, way more—
"Never mind," I told Juliet, removing her hand from my arm. "Something more interesting just came up."
"I’d love to know who calls and sends you running."
"It's not like that."
"What’s it like?"
"None of your fucking business." Juliet narrowed her eye as I walked out the door. "Face it, Juliet, you just aren't my type."
The phone call trumped any needs I might have. I’d battle my demons alone later. Marge would always take priority. She was my last living piece of Olivia. I would take better care of her than I did of Liv.
I went straight home and grabbed Olivia’s camera out of my closet before hitting send on my phone. Marge answered after two rings.
"I'm sorry to keep calling you," she said without saying hello.
"You never have to apologize for that. How has your day been?"
"Horrible. Everything’s going wrong. It started this morning, when I couldn't get my hair dryer to turn on. I discovered none of the outlets in the entire house worked. I called an electrician, but he can't see me until next week. Then tonight I realized that meant the refrigerator and freezer aren’t running so I have quite the mess on my hands. Then while I was cleaning that out, a big storm blew through and knocked the tree in my front yard down onto the garage." By this point Marge was sobbing. "My car—"
I could see the problem. Everything went wrong, and she had no one to help her. I wondered what Olivia would have done. "What can I do to help?"
"Nothing," she sniffled. "Just having someone to talk to is enough.
Marge continued to talk for the next thirty minutes about all the horrible things that had happened and how she didn't know how she would manage it all on her own. She talked about maybe selling the house, that it was too much for her to deal with by herself. Though I didn't understand it, I knew I didn't want her to sell Olivia's home. It was where Liv grew up. It needed to stay just as it was.