Fearless

by Fiona Higgins

  Cara could identify almost all of the group, even at a distance. Remy and Janelle reclined on a navy-blue double beanbag. Annie and Ketut sat side by side too, their posture relaxed and intimate. Henry lay on his back, gazing up at the sky, while Pak Tony knelt beside a stunning-looking woman. It was only when she got nearer that Cara recognised the woman as Lavinia. She’d put on a considerable amount of weight—perhaps due to the stress of Lorenzo’s death? Cara herself had lost weight after Astrid’s death, but everyone responded to tragedy differently.

  Laid out on the picnic rug were platters of pastries, ice buckets filled with champagne, pitchers of orange juice, plungers of coffee, and fragrant baskets of frangipanis. A waiter in traditional dress stood back from the group, observing them, poised to act on their every request. He smiled at Cara and called out, ‘Selamat pagi, miss!’ as she jogged past him.

  I’m hardly a miss anymore, she thought, returning his greeting.

  By the time she reached the group, Cara was breathless. ‘I’m so sorry I’m late.’

  ‘It so doesn’t matter,’ said Janelle, the first to leap up. They embraced, and then Remy joined in, lifting Cara off the ground in a giant bear hug.

  ‘Congratulations!’ She smiled at them both. ‘I can’t think of a nicer couple.’

  ‘Isn’t it brilliant?’ said Henry, standing up to kiss Cara. ‘I like to think we can all take some credit.’ He looked Cara up and down. ‘There’s something different about you …’

  ‘Oh?’ Cara wasn’t sure what he could mean. She motioned to his head. ‘Is everything alright now?’

  ‘Fighting fit,’ he replied. ‘Jim and I are heading off on a birdwatching bonanza straight after the wedding.’

  ‘Still chasing the Bali starling, then?’

  Henry laughed. ‘There’s nothing like unfinished business.’

  Cara thought instantly of Richard in Sydney. A week after her awkward meeting with Indra, she’d sent an exploratory email to Richard. Tentative, conversational, committing to nothing. And to her surprise, he’d responded warmly. After a further month of lightweight exchanges, Richard had ended an email with P.S. I don’t suppose you’ll be in Sydney anytime soon? and she’d almost wept with relief. After years of sadness and sporadic contact, there was still a connection between them.

  In three weeks, she’d replied. Let’s catch up.

  ‘And here’s my other favourite Aussie gal!’ Annie called, elbowing her way in to hug Cara. ‘I’ve missed you, hon.’

  Cara snorted. ‘I bet you’ve been too busy sightseeing with Pak Ketut to give any of us another thought.’

  The driver stood behind Annie, waiting to greet her. ‘Ibu Cara,’ he said, touching his hand to his heart. ‘It is good to see you.’

  ‘You too, Pak Ketut,’ she said. ‘Haven’t you had enough of driving Annie around Bali yet?’

  ‘Belum,’ he replied. ‘She is very good company.’

  ‘Pak Ketut!’ Henry called suddenly and the driver turned. ‘What bird is that?’

  The Englishman pointed at a flash of colour in a nearby hedge and the driver squinted.

  ‘Excuse me, Ibu Cara,’ he said with faux seriousness. ‘I have important burung business.’

  ‘Of course.’ She laughed, then turned back to Annie. ‘How was your trip?’

  ‘Wonderful,’ said Annie, smiling coyly. ‘It’s not over yet, either. We’ve volunteered at schools along the way, teaching English here and there. We’ve still got the whole of the northwest to go.’ She leaned towards Cara and whispered, ‘But coming back to the south for a wedding like this, it makes me want to get married again.’

  After looking to make sure the driver wasn’t listening, Cara nudged Annie. ‘So, you’re in lo—?’

  ‘I’m not sure what you’d call it,’ Annie interrupted her. ‘I’m still paying him as my driver. Putting labels on relationships doesn’t serve anyone. We’re very good companions, and it feels wonderful.’

  Cara smiled too, even though she wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it. ‘I’m happy for you, Annie,’ she said sincerely.

  ‘Thank you. And if I can find a connection like this at my age,’ Annie added, ‘then you can too.’

  Cara raised a sceptical eyebrow. But today was not a day for cynicism, she reminded herself, gazing out at the glittering blue.

  ‘Isn’t this just the perfect place to get married?’ said Janelle, joining Cara and Annie. She turned and planted a kiss on Remy’s cheek. ‘It was his idea, of course.’

  ‘Of course.’ The Frenchman gazed adoringly at Janelle. ‘It had to be high, for you. Close to the angels. Remember the intimacy workshop?’

  Henry rejoined them. ‘Oh gawd, Remy, do I ever. You said that Janelle’s shoulder massage was “like being touched by an angel”, and I almost puked on poor Cara here.’

  The group laughed.

  ‘I’m glad you didn’t,’ said Pak Tony, stepping forward to embrace Cara. ‘Hello, at last. Henry’s right—you do look different. Your face is … lighter. Softer, somehow.’ He led her towards the Italian woman, who stood up as they approached. ‘This is Lavinia, Lorenzo’s wife.’

  ‘Hello,’ said Cara. She was even more gorgeous up close: the mane of luxuriant hair, the voluptuous curves, the flowing cream-coloured dress that highlighted a flawless tan. Compared to Cara, Lavinia looked positively Amazonian.

  The Italian smiled tentatively at her. ‘When Pak Tony told me the group was meeting up again, I wanted to join you, because … After what happened, I had to get Lorenzo back to Italy quickly, for the funeral.’

  ‘I understand,’ said Cara. ‘It’s good to meet you now.’

  ‘You sent me an email months ago,’ said Lavinia. ‘I am so sorry I didn’t reply. You wanted to discuss something?’

  ‘Oh, yes.’ Cara’s grip tightened on her bag. ‘Actually, Lavinia—’

  ‘Excuse me, everyone.’ Pak Tony tapped a champagne glass with a teaspoon. The babble of conversation fell away and they all turned towards him. ‘Now that we’re all here, let’s toast the bride and groom. We’ll be doing that a lot over the coming weekend, but this is a very special Fearless moment. Something beautiful has emerged from something terrible.’ He raised his glass. ‘To Remy and Janelle!’

  The group cheered. ‘To Remy and Janelle!’

  As she sipped her champagne, Cara saw Pak Tony drain his glass. Hadn’t he been a teetotaller before? she thought, surprised.

  ‘Please sit down, all of you,’ he said. ‘Let’s form a circle of trust, just like we used to.’

  They took their places on the picnic rug, and Lavinia sat next to Cara.

  ‘What a serendipitous opportunity this is for us to reflect on what we’ve been through.’ Pak Tony proffered his glass to the waiter, angling for a top-up. ‘Some things have changed radically for me since the siege. I’m drinking now, as you can see!’ He laughed rather awkwardly, and no one else joined in. Cara and Annie exchanged a glance.

  ‘It’s also a great pleasure to have Lavinia Ricci with us this morning,’ Pak Tony continued. ‘Now …’ His blue eyes scanned around the group. ‘Who would like to start by sharing their reflections?’

  No one spoke. Does Pak Tony expect us to come up with pithy platitudes about surviving a terrorist attack? Cara wondered.

  After a moment, Pak Tony said, ‘Then I will share my reflections first. Perhaps that is best, after all.’ He looked from one to another, his expression unusually meek. ‘You see, I learned something very important at Paradise Animal Sanctuary. I learned how judgemental and unsympathetic I’ve been with the very people I’ve claimed to be helping on my Fearless retreats.’

  Cara stared at the facilitator in surprise. Had she heard him correctly? In the time she’d known him, Pak Tony had never once confessed to human fallibility. His had always been a rousing refrain of continuous improvement.

  ‘The ugly truth is, before the siege, I considered myself superior to my students. I had my diet, my yoga and meditation practice, m
y thriving business and my happy personal life. I had made it, I thought. I had fearlessly claimed my divine birthright of success, and I was guiding others towards theirs.’ Pak Tony shook his head. ‘In reality, I was egocentric. What I called discipline was actually the worst kind of inflexibility. But almost nothing in the course of my ordinary life would have shown me my flaws. Like so many teachers, my pride made me unteachable. It took terrorism to show me.’

  He stared out at the sea. ‘After the bomb went off, I found myself in the grip of terror. Suddenly I was a child again—being bullied by Rotterdam tough guys and hiding under the bushes. Only the stakes were much higher, and this time I couldn’t run. When Henry discovered me, he thought I was wounded. But actually, I was paralysed by fear.’

  Pak Tony turned towards the Englishman. ‘Henry had to carry me out, at great personal cost to himself. I have said it to you in private, but I’d like to say it again, before everyone—thank you, Henry. When you started the retreat, public speaking made you faint.’ He smiled wryly. ‘But when faced with a much bigger threat, you showed true valour. I needed you more than you needed me. This was a lesson I had to learn.’

  He looked at Annie. ‘Do you remember, Annie, asking me what my odyssey would be on Fearless?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Well, that was it, right there. I had to recognise my own imperfection.’ Pak Tony raised his glass. ‘So I would like to propose another toast, to the man who helped me to see this. To Henry!’ ‘To Henry!’ the group cheered.

  Henry’s cheeks had flushed a deep red. ‘Those are kind words, Pak Tony, but … I just did what felt right.’ He looked rather overcome. ‘And maybe it wasn’t right enough. I mean, I helped Pak Tony over the wall. But I …’ His eyes glistened. ‘I often think, I failed to do more. I didn’t even consider going back into the park and trying to save anyone else …’ He swiped at his tears, rather fiercely.

  ‘You saw a woman shot,’ said Pak Tony softly. ‘Anyone would have run. I ran, when you were still in hospital. I hid at Puri Damai and didn’t come out until the siege was over. I’m not proud of that.’

  ‘I ran too,’ said Remy, his face sombre. ‘And fifteen people died because of it. This is what I tell anyone who calls me a “hero”. Maybe the people who stayed in the café were actually the most heroic? I don’t know. We never will. Just ask the families of the people who died in there.’ He glanced at Janelle. ‘It still keeps me awake at night, despite all the joy in my life. It could occupy me forever, if I let it.’ He fell silent for a moment. ‘We all did what we were capable of at the time. Some of us surprised ourselves, some of us didn’t. Some did truly superhuman things, like Lorenzo. And like you, Henry.’

  The Englishman gave a wobbly smile. ‘I was an accidental participant in Fearless, remember? I only ended up at Puri Damai after my taxi driver got lost chasing the wrong type of bird.’

  The group laughed again, but it was rather sniffly.

  ‘But one thing I’ve learned from my time in Bali is that there are no accidents.’ Henry took a long sip of mineral water to compose himself. ‘I’ve been an atheist for as long as I can remember. Not a campaigning anti-Christian or anything like that, just a nonbeliever. Then, arriving in Bali, suddenly faith was everywhere. All those offerings on corners, stairs and bridges. Every single Balinese person believes in God, right? Their version of it.’

  He closed his eyes for a moment, as if focusing on a memory. ‘When the explosion happened, I thought I was going to die. And I just … started saying these prayers I hadn’t thought about in years.’ He opened his eyes. ‘Then, one of the terrorists walked right up to me and pointed a gun in my face and …’ He faltered. ‘He spared me. Just because I showed him some common human courtesy, maybe. After that, I didn’t get shot on the wall. And then I survived the fall. All these things could have killed me. But, by grace, they didn’t.

  ‘I know what you’re probably all thinking,’ Henry continued. ‘I’ve had some sort of near-death experience, right?’ His cheeks flushed a deeper red. ‘All I know is, I called on God that day and I survived. I’m not exactly sure what God really is, but I know I don’t believe in some sort of divine headmaster who’s keeping score above the clouds. That God told the terrorists to blow up Paradise Animal Sanctuary, apparently.’

  Henry exhaled. ‘Whatever shape my faith takes, I know it’s not going to be extreme. And while I’m working it out, I’ve decided to follow my passion.’ He smiled. ‘Life’s so short. There are ten thousand species of bird on this planet, and I’m going to try to break a world record by spotting seven thousand of them in one year. Jim’s coming with me. We’re starting right here in Indonesia, next week. We’re calling ourselves The Big Bird Nerds, and the birdwatching community seems to like it. We’ve even got a few sponsors lined up for our trip.’

  ‘Seven thousand birds?’ Remy’s eyes goggled. ‘That’s …’

  ‘Crazy, I know.’ Henry laughed. ‘But actually, the goal’s not as important as the fact that Jim and I are doing it together. Jim is one of the most important people in my life—Fearless taught me that. Maybe Littlefish wasn’t the complete nutter I thought he was. Here I am now, planning a boys’ own adventure with my best mate. If that’s not embracing masculinity, I don’t know what is.’ He smiled. ‘And Littlefish said I’d grasp femininity better afterwards, which is something to look forward to.’ He winked.

  ‘Ah, but you should be hunting birds,’ Remy called out gleefully. ‘Because that is what real men do.’

  ‘I’ll be shooting them with my camera,’ replied Henry wryly, ‘and blogging about the trip, because actually, I love writing. I’ve always kept a diary, and I’m a much better writer than I am a speaker. Maybe I don’t have to face my fear of public speaking at all; maybe I’ll accept failure and start playing to my strengths instead. Maybe being awkward, nerdy Henry is actually okay, because masculinity comes in all shapes and sizes.’

  He stopped short, looking rather embarrassed. ‘Gosh, that was a ramble and a half, wasn’t it?’

  Pak Tony laughed. ‘Especially for someone who hates speaking in public!’

  The Englishman smiled. ‘It’s that bottle of love of yours, Pak Tony. I even used it at a twitcher conference a few months back.’

  ‘How did your speech go?’ asked Annie.

  ‘They loved it,’ replied Henry.

  Pak Tony looked rather emotional.

  ‘Well, I’m accepting failure too,’ declared Annie.

  Pak Tony composed himself. ‘How so, Annie?’

  ‘After the siege, I realised I’ve spent decades being totally task-focused,’ she explained. ‘It’s been part of my life motto: focus and faith. Truth is, I’ve hidden behind a rigid set of goals, always trying to make a difference “out there” in my church, my community, with my teaching, and then in Bali, with BAF. But all that activity distracted me from the real issues, in here.’ She tapped her chest. ‘I tried to make myself indispensable, because I’d seen how easily Kevin had been replaced on the farm. It was a rude shock, watching how quickly the world just moves on after death. So you were right, Pak Tony, at the beginning of Fearless.’ She nodded at the facilitator. ‘All these years, I’ve been afraid of dying. I made myself ridiculously busy, trying to leave an indelible mark on the world.

  ‘The siege short-circuited that, for the first time in my life. Firstly, I realised I’d failed at BAF. I’m a sixty-one-year-old privileged white American: is it my place to try to overturn hundreds of years of culture and practice? The Balinese didn’t invite me to their island. And as Ketut pointed out, although I don’t think he meant to,’ she smiled at the driver, ‘why was I so concerned about Balinese dogs when there’s so much pain and suffering among the people here? Talk about an oversight.’

  She shook her head. ‘So, I decided to embrace my failings and try being unfocused for a change. I took the first proper holiday I’ve had in forty years, travelling around Bali and—’ she winked at Pak Tony—‘asking questions. Y
ou taught me the power of questions, Tony. And when I actually listened to the answers, I started to educate myself. Now I can speak to the Balinese in Indonesian.’ She turned to Pak Ketut. ‘Saya sudah lebih lancar, ya?’

  Pak Ketut grinned at her proudly. ‘Yes, you are more fluent now.’

  ‘As for faith, well …’ Annie smiled. ‘I’m learning to be more flexible. My core beliefs haven’t wavered, but I’m much more accommodating of others. I used to think moderation was spineless, but now I realise it’s even harder to pull off than extremism. I’m blessed to have a friend like Ketut to come with me on this journey.’ She reached out and squeezed Pak Ketut’s hand. ‘And when we’ve seen Bali, we’re going to Europe. I’ve got some unfinished business in Paris, an old dream I’m resurrecting.’ She smiled at Remy and Janelle. ‘You might have some international guests next year.’

  ‘We’d love that,’ said Janelle.

  Henry wolf-whistled. ‘Wedding bells in Paris for Annie and Ketut?’

  Annie shook her head. ‘I doubt it. We’re just living in the moment, not over-engineering life.’

  ‘That’s wonderful news.’ Pak Tony smiled. ‘And I’m so proud of you, Annie, if I may say so.’ He looked around the group. ‘Who else would like to share?’

  Cara took a deep breath and raised her hand. She had always been reluctant to divulge her feelings during the retreat, but now found she wanted to tell these people—her friends—exactly what the experience had meant to her.