by Alice Ward
I’d tell Seth I booked the retreat months ago, planning on a weekend getaway with one of my friends. I’d say it was Heather and explain she ended up having to back out because of her sister’s baby shower. Much of what I said would be true. Heather did have to go to her sister’s shower this weekend.
It would be a half-lie.
Which meant it would also be a half-truth.
I called Seth right away and waited with bated breath while the phone rang.
“Hey,” he answered, sounding a little out of breath himself.
I tried to ignore the way my heart swelled and spoke slowly. “Hi. I hope I’m not bothering you.”
Had he also been thinking of me?
“Not at all. I just finished working out.”
The words, with or without a shirt on, almost popped out of my mouth. I could imagine sweat running down his tight abs.
“O-oh,” I stammered. “Great. Great, timing then.” I licked my lips and composed myself. “Listen, I wanted to see what you were doing this weekend. I know it’s kind of a long shot, but weeks ago I booked this retreat for me and my friend. It’s at this resort on the edge of Crystal Lake. Do you know of it?”
“I’ve heard of it, yeah. It’s supposed to be pretty nice up there.”
“Right, that’s what I’ve heard. So, here’s the thing. Unfortunately, my friend had to cancel, so now I’m headed out there alone. Unless you, uh, you would like to join me.”
I cringed and waited for his response. He would probably laugh and say I was crazy for inviting him away for a weekend, after us spending a couple hours total together.
A long, long, long few seconds passed.
“That sounds wonderful. I would love to go.”
My mouth dropped open. I could hardly believe it.
“Great,” I croaked. “That’s great. I’ll text you the information. How does leaving around seven on Saturday morning sound? We could go later if that’s too early for you.”
“That’s just great. Don’t worry about me. I’m an early riser.”
“Okay. Wonderful.”
I could already imagine us in a canoe, the sun playing over his biceps as he paddled us to a secluded side of the lake. I would spread out a blanket and open the picnic basket.
But instead of eating, he’d screw me out in the wide-open air till the sun went down.
And then I could finally get past him.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Saturday morning at seven a.m. sharp I waited on my front porch for Seth. I’d dropped Starlet off the night before at Rory’s apartment and then gone home to pack my bag.
Never once since booking that room did I regret my decision to do so. This was right. It made sense. Soon I would be over Seth, moving on so that I could focus on work and my friends without drifting off and spending every two minutes thinking about this guy I had no business being interested in.
Seth’s Jeep pulled up the drive. I stood a little straighter and tugged my tank top down. I’d dressed for a day in the woods, with leggings and hiking boots.
Seth jumped from the driver’s side, clad in his usual jeans and t-shirt.
Did his whole closet consist of one long row of identical jeans and his whole dresser stacks of plain shirts in varying colors?
He grinned at me and excitement coursed through me as I smiled back. “Hi,” I called, grabbing my bag and heading for the Jeep.
Seth opened the passenger’s side door for me. “How are you?”
“Great. Thanks for coming so early.”
He winked. “Again, I’m an early riser.” He took my bag from my hand. “Top up or down?”
“Down, definitely.”
He nodded and his eyes travelled down my body. “All right then.”
After stowing my bag and pulling the canvas down, we hit the road. I plugged the address into the GPS on my phone and settled back into my seat.
We flew through the streets of Chicago. Seth was a quick driver, and though his frantic pace made me a little nervous, I was also glad for it. I was ready to leave the city’s smog and noise far behind. It had been months since I took a proper weekend away. I looked forward to the screwing part of the weekend, but I also couldn’t wait for walks along the water and a massage.
“Thanks for coming with me,” I told him.
I kept my eyes on the road in front of us but felt his gaze on my face. “You’re welcome.”
“I guess I could have gone alone, but since I booked the place for two it seemed like a waste. I figured I might as well share it with someone.”
“It was nice of you to think of me.”
I couldn’t look at him, certain he knew I was lying and that I’d only just booked the retreat.
When we were finally out of the city, the quality of the air changed dramatically. The morning was already hot, the warm wind whipped at our faces and woke us more fully. With each mile, the businesses and homes became fewer and fewer. Strip malls and gas stations popped up and then vanished, slipping past us as meaninglessly as the lines beneath the tires. In no rush to get there, I had picked the GPS route that took us along winding country highways.
“This is beautiful out here,” I shouted over the roaring wind.
He nodded and smiled. God, he smiled a lot.
God, I liked it.
He better not smile while he’s screwing me.
Traveling with the top down meant there was too much noise to hold a real conversation, but that was just fine. I watched the trees go by and peered eagerly over each bridge we passed, soaking in the sight of creeks and rivers.
A gravel driveway looping through the woods took us to the lodge. A monolithic cabin, a mansion, sat on top of a hill. We parked to the side of it, the nose of the Jeep pointed out over the lake spread below us.
“Wow,” I breathed, the first word I’d spoken in over an hour. I’d barely looked at the pictures on the website, so the view came as a surprise.
“Yeah,” Seth agreed. “It looks great.”
The front door opened into a lobby highlighted by a large fireplace and a stuffed bear standing on his hind legs. I checked in, and a porter arrived to show us to our room on the second floor.
After the door shut and Seth and I were left alone, I turned to him. “Sorry, it’s just one room. I thought it was going to be me and my girlfriend…”
He walked past the two beds to open the curtains wider. “It’s all right. I would sleep on the floor just to stay in this place.”
I smirked and went to join him at the double windows. The view of the lake here was even better than in the parking lot.
“So what’s on the agenda?” Seth asked.
“Well, let’s see… there’s a massage this evening, right before dinner. And a canoeing lesson this afternoon.” I studied the brochure. “There are lots of hiking trails all around the place, and this says the lake is good to swim in. Did you bring a bathing suit?”
No answer.
I looked up at Seth. His hands were laced behind his head, and he gazed down at me from only about a foot away. All it would take for us to kiss would be a simple shuffling of our feet. How strange that I hadn’t even kissed him yet. I was going crazy from lust for the man, and the only time he had touched me was when he laid his hand on my wrist. He’d been so determined in the bar. Aggressive even, stopping me and asking for my number. But then, at my house, he seemed the exact opposite. Slow. Unnecessarily respectful. Tentative, even.
Which Seth would I see this weekend?
“This light is nice,” he said softly.
I stared back at him, his words the last thing I’d expected to hear. “Yeah?”
He nodded. “Yeah, it’s good morning light. Really soft on your face. I did bring my swim trunks, by the way.”
He turned and went for his bag. I stayed planted where I was, my legs shaking and my hands crumpling the glossy brochure.
CHAPTER EIGHT
We opted for a hike first and went down to the front desk to get
a trail guide. The main path from the lodge sloped down the hill to a sandy strip along the lake. From there trails split off in all directions. Seth suggested the four-mile loop around the lake. I agreed and let him guide the way, walking next to him for a bit, then hanging back to stare at his rear when the trail narrowed.
The spider webs we ran across suggested we were the first humans to come down the path that day. We swept them away from our faces and kept going, not talking, just breathing in the fresh air and enjoying the scene around us. Birds sang, and at one point we saw a group of does peeking out from the shrubbery. They lowered their heads and took a few tentative steps toward us as if we might feed them. When we kept walking, they spooked and ran away, vanishing into the dark shadows.
We moved on, the earth becoming softer and more giving under our feet, as we took the curved path up a hill. A collection of boulders crowded together beneath a lush canopy, just like in my imaginings of the forest Seth had described on my patio.
Without discussing it, we veered toward the rocks.
Seth climbed deftly on top of a boulder and reached down to take my hand. Time halted as his grip tightened slightly on mine. He pulled me up effortlessly, and I joined him on top of the rock. With only inches of space between us, my lips came about to his chin. To share a kiss, we’d both only have to incline our heads the slightest bit.
My boot slipped on a patch of moss and Seth pressed his hand against the small of my back. “Careful.”
I smiled up at him. “Thanks.”
God, I wanted him to kiss me. And yet I didn’t.
I was afraid that once I got that first kiss, and the taste of his touch, the result would be the opposite of what I hoped. Instead of losing interest in him, the fire would be further stoked.
Seth looked at me for a long moment, and his thumb moved across the fabric of my shirt. Or had I imagined it? I was in such a state of lust I could no longer decipher the real from the imagined.
He stepped away and looked out through the trees. My whole body tightened. This I wasn’t imagining. Something had changed since that night at the bar. Maybe I did something at my house he didn’t like, something that made him think I wasn’t worth pursuing after all.
Maybe this weekend was nothing more to him than a free trip.
I couldn’t really hold that against him. I used people for my own means on a regular basis. I had my own money to take trips with, but going out to dinner by myself wasn’t exactly romantic, and neither was spending a weekend at a lakeside retreat.
“Look,” Seth said, pointing at something between the trees.
I shuffled carefully across the boulder. Through the green branches, the lake was visible and, across the water, a dock.
“Is that the lodge?”
“No,” he answered. “I don’t think so. There’s a little bit of white there, see? It must be someone’s house.”
He settled down on the rock, his legs hanging off the side. I joined him, uncertain and careful to not sit too close. I didn’t usually wait so long for a man to swoop in. If a guy didn’t go for it, then I took the initiative, made the move.
A lot was strange about this situation, though. Seth and I would be together for two whole days. If I tried to kiss him and got shot down, the rest of the weekend would be beyond uncomfortable.
We sat for a while, not saying much. Eventually, Seth asked if I was ready to go and then stood up and took my hand. When our fingers touched, I couldn’t breathe.
I needed to be careful. I was getting dangerously close to living for the brush of his skin on mine.
The rest of the way around the lake, we made small talk, discussing the music scene in Chicago and pets. Seth didn’t have any but confessed a soft spot for cats. I teased him relentlessly for this, of course, and my assault ended in his promise to dog sit Starlet any time I needed it.
Any time.
He expected our relationship to go past the weekend. And yet he still hadn’t made a move on me. Was he just trying to be a gentleman and wait? Or was he only interested in a friendship?
I needed to stop analyzing things. I knew what I came to the lodge for and intended to get it.
Once back at the lodge, we had just enough time to clean up for lunch. Served in the main dining room, it was a small affair for about twenty guests. A server scurried about, bringing us sandwiches and cold cucumber bisque soup. Again the talk was minimal, mostly Seth asking about my life.
I told him about growing up with my still married parents, older brother and younger sister; about trying to be a cheerleader freshman year in high school and failing miserably; about missing the Spring Fling so I could rewrite a paper that counted for a quarter of my final English grade.
“Do you regret that?” he asked.
I gave it some thought. “No, I don’t. At the time, it made me a little sad. This boy asked me to it, Mark. I really wanted to go with him. Like, really, really.” I laughed over the memory. “I wanted him to be my boyfriend, bad. But I also wanted something else. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be as successful as I could imagine and then even more. That meant making some sacrifices. I gave up short term pleasures for long term ones. I could suffer a little bit if it meant I would get to have something more, something gigantic and really fulfilling. I knew the dance would end. Mark and I would probably go off to different schools. And then what would I have? The memories, I guess, but even those just didn’t seem like they would be fulfilling enough. No, it just wasn’t worth it.”
I sucked in a breath, embarrassed by my spontaneously composed Shakespeare length monologue.
Seth gazed at me from across the table, his chin in his hand. “You have to live in the moment sometimes.”
“I know.”
“The moment is all you have, really.”
“I know,” I repeated, slightly annoyed. “But you have to think ahead as well. Live as if it’s your last day and as if you’ll never die…” I stirred my soup. “Or whatever the crap that saying is.”
Seth laughed. “You just butchered it big time.”
“Yeah, I did. So, what about you? Did you always want to join the army?”
He tapped the side of his soup spoon against his bowl. “No.”
I waited for more, but he didn’t elaborate, only stared at the table.
I licked my lips, ready to change the subject. Seth wasn’t exactly the most self-revealing person out there. Maybe talking about himself made him feel put on the spot.
I gave him an opening. “Did your parents make you join?”
He shook his head and sat up straighter. “No, I went myself.”
“And what did they think of it? They must be pretty proud.”
He smiled slightly, but there was something rueful about it. “I’m not sure.”
“You’re not close?”
“My mom and I are… I mean, about in the average way. My dad I… have… stuff.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I was just going to say that I talk to them, yes, but we don’t really talk about my career.”
What do you talk about with them? I wanted to ask, but the mood at our table was dark and palpable. Seth did not like to talk about his family, and I’d be cold hearted to push him on the topic.
“Come on,” I said, standing up and offering my hand. “Let’s go learn how to canoe.”
Learning how to canoe, it turned out, wasn’t really necessary. The task was pretty simple and maybe geared toward the retirees who made up the rest of the class. The instructor showed us the basics and then let us set off in our vessels, brand new adventurers in the small lake.
Seth got to work, his muscles tightening and then relaxing as he paddled. I followed his lead, doing my best to match my pace with his and enjoying the same view I had during our hike, made better this time by the movement of his arms. And even better than in my imaginings.
“Let’s get past the crowd,” he whispered, speeding beyond an older couple wearing matchi
ng baseball hats.
He steered us across the lake and then around a bend, taking us into a nook where the lodge was just barely visible. It was a lot like my fantasy involving the picnic basket and getting fucked in the grass.
He didn’t take the canoe toward the shore, though, instead paddling lackadaisically around.
“Why me?” he asked out of the blue.
“Huh?” My paddle slipped a little in my hands, and I did my best to hang onto it.
“Why me?” Seth asked again.
I knew what he was referring to, but wasn’t about to let on. “I don’t understand.”
“I mean why did you invite me this weekend? You seem like a girl who has lots of friends. You were with how many that night at the gallery? Two? Four? You could have invited one of them, right? Instead, you picked a guy you’ve known a week.”
I looked down at my feet, wedged on either side of the boat. Because I wanted to get bored of you quicker. Because I couldn’t handle the things you make me feel.
“Because I wanted to get to know you better.” As I said the words, I realized they’d become true. Maybe they weren’t when I booked the resort or when I climbed into Seth’s Jeep this morning, but they’d become true over the course of the morning and early afternoon.
I liked this guy. Way more than I wanted to. There were things about him that still irked me. At lunch, I saw a hint of the cocky attitude he’d shown me in the bar. That kind of personality trait doesn’t disappear as time goes on. It actually tends to get worse, since people relax and let their real selves come out as they get to know each other.
Seth looked at me with the poker face he wore so well. “I’m honored.”
I stopped rowing, unable to take it any more. God, I was such a fake. I didn’t deserve to enjoy a weekend like this.
“Really?” I pressed. “You’re honored?”
He turned his face to the side to study me, probably thinking I was crazy. “Yes,” he said slowly, halting his rowing and resting the oars against his knees. The canoe came to a stand still, its only movement the gentle waves rocking it up and down.