Heart of Glass

by Ari McKay

  Zach tried to tell the voice to shut up, because he wanted to enjoy Asher’s company. Asher would probably realize Zach was pretty boring, but if this was Zach’s chance to get closer to the man he’d been fascinated by and lusted after for months, he wanted to take it. Still, the voice was there, dimming his pleasure while he went shopping and then got ready for the date. As he got closer to Asher’s apartment, the voice whispered more insistently, and now he had an acute case of nerves making him want to run.

  He was being ridiculous, standing here in front of Asher’s door dressed in a new pair of the tight jeans Asher liked, this time in blue instead of black. He’d worn contacts again, opting for the clear ones instead of the blue ones, since Asher said he preferred brown eyes. Zach’s shirt was a deep bloodred, a color he’d chosen to help boost his confidence, but now it seemed a bit too much. Asher would probably laugh at him, his inner voice whispered, but he pressed the doorbell before he lost his nerve completely.

  It wasn’t long before the door swung open, and Asher greeted Zach warmly. He was wearing jeans that were faded and washed to buttery softness, and a dove-gray cashmere sweater that made his eyes even more vividly blue. Rather than wearing loafers, he was barefoot.

  “Right on time.” Asher leaned in to brush a kiss to Zach’s cheek before stepping aside to let him in. “Come on back to the kitchen. You can have a drink while I finish dinner.”

  Asher looked so good, Zach wouldn’t have minded having him for dinner instead, and he resisted the urge to press his hand against his cheek where Asher had kissed him. The peck, chaste as it was, made his skin tingle.

  “A drink sounds good,” he said, deciding a bit of liquid courage wouldn’t go amiss. He caught a blend of delicious aromas coming from the kitchen, and he sniffed appreciatively. “Wow, whatever you’re cooking smells amazing.”

  “Tonight’s special is steak with wine sauce and potato gratin, with mocha Bundt cake for dessert,” Asher replied as he led the way to the kitchen, which was spacious, with marble countertops and high-end appliances that would be the envy of any professional chef. Asher gestured to the barstools at the large center island. “Have a seat. Would you like a glass of wine, or something stronger?” He picked up a glass of red wine that was almost empty and wagged it back and forth. “I’ve got a Malbec open to go with dinner, but if you want something else, that’s not a problem. My bar is well stocked.”

  “Wine is good,” Zach replied, sliding onto one of the stools as he looked around. “Wow. My mother would kill for a setup like this!”

  “Your mom likes to cook?” Asher asked as he retrieved a second wineglass. He poured a glass and offered it to Zach.

  Zach took the glass, his fingers brushing Asher’s and sending a tingle all the way up his arm. “Thanks. Yes, she does. Of course with five kids, it’s fortunate she’s also good at it.” He hoped talking about his family was safe, since according to the rumor mill, Asher’s own family life was grim at best.

  “Five kids?” Asher shot Zach a wide-eyed look as he returned to the oven to check on the potatoes. “Where do you rank—oldest, middle, or baby?”

  “Oldest,” Zach admitted. “Then three sisters and my baby brother. He’s only six, and it’s a wonder he’s not a total brat because he’s spoiled rotten by the rest of us.”

  Asher leaned against the counter and took a sip of wine, his expression wistful. “Must be nice.”

  Zach was surprised by the comment; he never would have guessed Asher missed having siblings. Then again, brothers and sisters were natural allies—at least when they weren’t driving each other crazy.

  “Sometimes yes, sometimes no,” Zach replied honestly. “I love having a big family about 99 percent of the time, but there are times I would trade any of my siblings for a shiny rock.”

  “Are you all close?” Asher asked, watching Zach with genuine curiosity.

  “Very,” Zach said. “I go home as often as work permits. My parents are both professors at Princeton, and all of my other siblings still live at home. Ellie is in her last year of med school, Jen is a college senior majoring in journalism, and Maggie’s a sophomore who wants to be a vet. Mikey wants to be a fireman. Or he did last weekend when I saw him. His career plans are somewhat fluid at the moment.”

  A timer dinged, and Asher put his wineglass aside in favor of donning a pair of oven mitts so he could pull the potato gratin dish out of the oven.

  “Well, he’s got plenty of time to decide. Who knows? Maybe he’ll follow in his big brother’s footsteps and go into law.” Asher nodded toward the doorway. “Come on, you can get settled in the dining room.”

  Zach slid off the stool and picked up his glass before following in Asher’s wake. He was surprised to see they would be eating in a formal dining room, complete with fine bone china at each place setting and a floral centerpiece with lit candles in Christmas colors gracing the table. The place settings were adjacent to one another rather than across the table, the lighting was dim, and soft jazz played from discreet speakers in the walls.

  Zach felt in serious danger of melting where he stood. For a man who claimed to be commitment-phobic, Asher had done an impressive job of providing an intimate yet tasteful setting for their date.

  “It’s beautiful,” he said softly. “You’re a man of hidden talents, Mr. Caldwell.”

  Asher smiled a bit bashfully as he placed the potato gratin on a trivet next to a warming dish. “Don’t be too impressed. In the interests of full disclosure, I took cooking lessons when I graduated from college, and I know how to Google ‘romantic date atmosphere,’ that’s all. Here, have a seat, and I’ll get dessert.”

  “I’ll be impressed if I want to be,” Zach replied in a teasing tone, taking a seat as Asher had directed.

  “I’ll be right back,” Asher said, and then he disappeared back to the kitchen.

  Even though Asher had downplayed what he’d done, Zach was appreciative of his efforts. Zach chuckled, thinking about his offer for pizza and a movie at his apartment. Well, he hadn’t been raised in surroundings like this, so hopefully Asher wouldn’t think he was a bumpkin.

  Asher returned bearing a decadent chocolate cake on a covered glass cake plate, and he placed it carefully on the table. Then he opened the warming dish and reached for Zach’s plate to serve him a thick steak with capers and the potatoes.

  “How does that look?” he asked, setting the plate in front of Zach with a little flourish.

  Zach’s mouth watered. “It looks delicious! You must have been at the top of your class at cooking school, because I haven’t seen anything this good outside of an expensive restaurant.”

  Asher served himself, then sat down next to Zach. “I don’t have time to cook as much as I’d like, but I find it relaxing,” he said. “So you said you’re the oldest. Does that mean you’re a typical oldest child? I’ve heard they tend to be perfectionist overachievers who boss their siblings around,” he added, a teasing glint in his eyes.

  “That might have been true when it was just me and Ellie, but once Jen was born, I was outnumbered,” Zach replied, cutting into his steak and taking a bite. The flavor was incredible. “This is phenomenal, Asher. If you ever get tired of being a lawyer, I bet you could open your own restaurant and make a fortune.”

  “I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” Asher smiled, seeming pleased by the compliment. “So you don’t boss your sisters around, but that doesn’t address the perfectionist overachiever part, although I think I already know the answer to that.”

  “I graduated high school at fifteen and got my JD at twenty,” Zach said. “But I had an unfair advantage, since my father has a doctorate in English and my mom is a world-class economist. I could read at two and understood math at three. My parents devoted a lot of time and attention to me. They never pressured me, and let me go at my own pace. I liked the attention.” He paused, realizing he’d been babbling about himself, and Asher had told him little in return. “What about you? I bet you were an over
achiever too.”

  “You’d win that bet,” Asher replied, inclining his head to acknowledge the point. “Mostly by nature, but partly because my father had high expectations.”

  “Oh? One of those type-A personalities whose son had to be an asset to the family name?” It didn’t take much to formulate his guess, given what he’d heard of Asher’s father.

  Asher’s answering smile was mirthless. “Of course.” He gazed down at his plate, his expression turning pensive. “This isn’t something I’m accustomed to talking about.”

  Zach could tell the subject was sensitive, and his heart went out to Asher. Obviously his father had shaped the man Asher had become, for good or ill.

  “I don’t want to push you to discuss something that upsets you,” Zach replied quietly. “But I’ve been told I’m a good listener, and I’d like to get to know who you are inside.”

  “I don’t want you to think I’m fishing for sympathy or trying to justify any of my questionable life choices,” Asher said, pushing a piece of potato around his plate with his fork.

  “You have no need to fish for sympathy from me or anyone else, so I’d never think that,” Zach said. He put down his fork and rested his hand on Asher’s. “Nor do you have to justify your life choices. As far as I can tell, you’ve never hurt anyone, and you do a lot of good for a lot of people. So if you want to talk, I’ll listen and promise not to judge you.”

  Asher turned his hand over so he could curl his fingers around Zach’s, even though he didn’t look up, and it took him a moment to start speaking.

  “I’m not sure where to begin,” he said at last. “My father started grooming me to follow in his footsteps pretty early. The good thing is, I can’t think of anything else I’d rather be doing. I like what we do at Caldwell and Monroe in particular because we’re helping people who need it. But the weight of his expectations was pretty heavy. He hasn’t really forgiven me for not getting married and begetting a Theodore Asher Caldwell the third.”

  Zach gave Asher’s hand a little squeeze. “He didn’t take your coming out very well, then?”

  “Let’s just say that if Mrs. Ted Caldwell the second had given birth to a son instead of a daughter, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now.” Asher tightened his fingers on Zach’s hand, his voice soft and laced with pain.

  Zach felt a flare of unaccustomed antipathy for Asher’s father, who had hurt Asher deeply. Zach couldn’t understand a parent who would be cruel to their own child.

  “That’s awful,” he said. “And inexcusable on a lot of different levels. You’re a brilliant, successful lawyer who has a lot to be proud of. If he can’t see that, well, fuck him.”

  Asher gave a startled laugh and glanced sidelong at Zach. “That’s pretty much my stance these days. The man is on his fourth wife, and he doesn’t have a decent relationship with either of his kids, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. He didn’t ask for visitation rights for my half sister when he and Olivia got divorced. Constance and I are almost twenty years apart in age, and I haven’t seen her since she was maybe two or three.”

  Zach wanted to pull Asher into his arms and offer the comfort and assurance and affection Asher’s father had denied him, but it wasn’t his place, especially not on a first date. He was already dangerously close to falling head over heels for Asher, and he didn’t want to put expectations on Asher that he didn’t have a right to yet and maybe never would.

  “Some people exist in a world where no one matters except themselves and no desires matter except their own,” he said. “I saw plenty of that at Princeton, believe me. One of my friends wasn’t happy because her mother wasn’t proud of her. She was a smart girl, but she wasn’t the perky, pretty cheerleader her mother wanted. She’s a neurosurgeon, but there’s still a part of her that feels inferior. It makes me feel both humble and blessed to have the parents I do.”

  “You’re lucky,” Asher said, looking directly at Zach at last. “I envy you having parents who are still together and who support you. I was six when my parents got divorced, so I only have a few memories of my mother. While I was growing up, Dad told me she didn’t want to take me with her when she left, so I was hurt and angry with her for a long time. I found out the truth eventually. Dad wanted his little heir under his control, so he threatened to ruin her if she tried to get custody, and he threw enough money around to make sure she didn’t even get visitation rights. I looked for her, but she died a few years before I learned what really happened. She had cancer, and I didn’t find out until too late.”

  Horrified, Zach stared at Asher, a lump forming in his throat. Such deliberate manipulation was almost beyond Zach’s comprehension, but there were plenty of Ted Caldwells in the world.

  “You’re a strong man,” he said. “Do you know what that kind of thing does to a lot of people? I can only imagine how hurt and disillusioned you must have been, and I’m in awe you’ve come through it as well-adjusted as you are.”

  “I’m so well-adjusted that I rely on an escort service because I avoid commitment like the plague.” Asher snorted and shook his head. “I don’t have a good model of what a healthy relationship should look like. I’m also terrified I’ve got too much of Ted in me and I’ll hurt someone the same way he has. It’s been easier to remain a perpetual bachelor.” He rested his palm against Zach’s cheek, searching Zach’s face with wonderment in his eyes. “But there’s something about you that makes me want to try.”

  Just like that, all the attraction and the admiration, the sympathy, the empathy, and even the fear coalesced into a molten pool inside of Zach. He looked back, eyes wide as he realized he’d fallen desperately, hopelessly, and irreversibly in love with Asher Caldwell.

  And if he said so, he’d probably frighten Asher into running for the hills.

  As much as he wanted to say those words—to shout them from the rooftops—Zach held them in, opting instead to lean against Asher’s hand. “That sounds good to me,” he murmured, then pressed his lips against Asher’s palm.

  “May I kiss you?” Asher asked, still gazing at Zach intently.

  “Yes, please,” Zach answered, smiling as he echoed his reply from the night before.

  A flash of warmth appeared in Asher’s eyes before he kissed Zach, keeping it slow and easy even as he coaxed Zach’s lips apart. Zach didn’t hesitate to comply, giving a soft moan as he closed his eyes. He sifted his fingers through the silken strands of Asher’s hair, wondering how it was possible for Asher to taste even more delicious than the meal. Asher continued the kiss at a leisurely pace, seeming content to explore Zach’s mouth with more thoroughness than he had the night before. When he drew back at last, his eyes had darkened with desire.

  “We should eat before the food gets cold,” he murmured, lowering his hand at last.

  Zach hesitated, wondering if asking for what he really wanted would be wise. But his heart was pounding in his chest, and he didn’t think it would be possible to remain at the table and eat after that kiss.

  “The food is delicious,” he said, trailing one finger over Asher’s lower lip. “But I’m hungry for something else. Starving, in fact.”

  Asher cocked his head, one eyebrow raised. “I don’t mind waiting until you’re sure you trust my intentions and feel comfortable again.”

  If Zach wasn’t already in love, those words would have been enough to make him trust in Asher’s intentions.

  “I do trust you,” he replied softly. “That doesn’t mean I’m placing any expectations on you, because you’ve been honest with me and I understand your issues. If you’d prefer to wait, that’s fine, but as for me… I want you.”

  “I don’t particularly want to wait.” Asher rested his hand on Zach’s knee and slid it up to his thigh, squeezing lightly. “Sex is well within my comfort zone. It’s the romance and commitment stuff I’m a novice with.”

  Zach covered Asher’s hand with his and gave it a squeeze. “I give you full marks for the romance part tonight. I don’t think
anyone could have done better. As for the commitment, well, we only live one day at a time, and I’m willing to take it that way if you are.” For him, going to bed with Asher would be more than just sex, but maybe one day, it would mean more to Asher too. “I don’t want to wait, either.”

  “I don’t mind reheating dinner if you don’t.” Asher clasped Zach’s hand as he stood up and tugged to urge Zach up as well.

  Zach rose to his feet and pressed against Asher’s side. “I don’t mind at all.” He felt more confident than he had the previous night, since now he knew Asher really did want him, not just a random body. “I already know how wonderful you taste, so I have no doubt I’ll be satisfied.”

  “That, at least, I can guarantee.” Asher smirked as he led Zach out of the dining room and down the hall to his bedroom.

  Zach chuckled, feeling a tingle of anticipation already. Things had gone very well the night before, but he fully intended for tonight to be even better… and Asher Caldwell was going to find Zach had no intention of sneaking out when it was over.

  Chapter Four

  AS THE end of the workday drew near, Asher was glad he’d suggested not waiting to schedule their next date until the weekend. He was even more glad Zach agreed to schedule their date for Wednesday. Asher claimed it was to avoid the weekend crowds at the ice skating rink in Rockefeller Center, but the truth was he didn’t think he could hold out an entire week, especially since they had agreed to behave like nothing had changed while at work. Any whiff of a shift in their relationship would attract the attention of the firm’s gossip grapevine, and they both wanted to be certain the relationship had the potential to last before that happened.

  So Asher had to watch Zach walking around with his big brown eyes and tight ass and somehow not grope him or drag him off to the nearest empty room with a lock on the door.

  Asher found it harder than he thought it would be. He’d been content with his one-and-done rotation of escorts, and he’d never met anyone who made him want more than a single night—until Zach. Now he wanted to slide his arm around Zach’s waist, to kiss him, to leave love marks all over his body. He’d even indulged in postsex cuddling. Zach had insisted on it, but Asher discovered he liked lounging in bed with Zach in his arms while he enjoyed the afterglow.