‘What’s so funny?’ I snapped as the slime dripped down my face.
‘I’m sorry, Jake,’ Amba replied as Damon tried to hide his smile. ‘But you should see the both of you. Your dad looks like he’s just stepped out of a spaceship while you look like a swamp monster from Mars. Don’t let Flip catch you like this or he’ll think the aliens really have landed this time.’
Crawling out through the tent flap, I stare up into the darkness of the sky. The stars look so much brighter than I’ve ever seen them before, but right now I feel so alone. Mum said this trip would give Dad the chance to make things right, but he’s just made it all go wrong.
I smell my dad before I see him, the sickly-sweet scent of toasted marshmallows following him on the breeze as he walks up the field.
‘I thought you were coming down to the campfire once you got yourself changed? Don’t worry, I’ve told Flip to save some marshmallows for you,’ he calls out cheerily.
As he reaches the tent, Dad looks down at the rucksack on the ground beside me.
‘What’s the matter, Jake? Are you feeling OK?’
I shake my head, remembering the flying saucer marshmallows floating in front of my face as I pulled my head out of the muddy puddle.
‘No,’ I say, fighting to keep a lid on my anger. ‘I’m not OK. Now just leave me alone.’
Dad ignores me, moving my rucksack to one side as he sits down on the grass. I shuffle along on my bottom as I try to move away, but it’s not the smell of burnt marshmallows that’s making me feel sick.
‘Come on, Jake,’ Dad begins. ‘Don’t be like this. You’ll feel different when you’ve had something to eat. Let’s go down to the campfire together. Flip said I can borrow his acoustic guitar.’
The thought of Dad leading a campfire singalong pushes me over the edge and I can’t stop myself from snapping out loud, ‘I said, go away! Why would I want to come down to the campfire when everyone’s laughing at me? You’ve ruined everything, Dad, and I just want to go home.’
I can’t even look at him, keeping my gaze fixed on the stars as I blink back my tears.
A long silence fills the space between us, but Dad stays where he is.
‘I’m sorry, Jake,’ he says finally. ‘I know I made a mistake, but I was just trying to protect you back there. I thought you were in danger. I thought we both were.’
‘You were just playing a stupid game! Blabbering on about alien technology when I’d already found the marshmallow flying saucers.’ I turn towards Dad, his ridiculous ski suit shining silver in the moonlight. ‘Why did you even bring me here if you were just going to embarrass me again?’
Dad shakes his head. ‘I never meant to embarrass you, Jake. And I wasn’t playing a game. There’s something that you need to know. Something I’ve been meaning to tell you for a very long time.’
Dad usually acts like everything’s a joke, but right now he looks so serious.
‘I brought you here because this is where it all began. Sort of.’
I DON’T BELIEVE IN ALIENS
‘What do you mean, “this is where it all began”?’ I ask, still feeling angry as I glance around the campsite. ‘Have you been here before?’
Dad looks up into the starry sky and sighs.
‘Only for a flying visit,’ he replies. ‘And it was a long time ago. Twelve years, to be precise.’
It takes a second or two for this to sink in.
‘Wait a minute. Flip said that was when the UFO was spotted here. Are you trying to tell me you saw the alien too?’
Dad shakes his head. ‘I didn’t see the alien. I was the alien.’
I can’t stop myself from laughing out loud.
‘Don’t be stupid,’ I say, staring at my dad in disbelief. ‘You can’t be an alien – you’re from Wales.’
His blue-green eyes seem to sparkle in the silvery light.
‘I’m not actually from Wales, Jake. That’s just something I had to put on my passport application. I come from a planet that orbits a star four light years away from Earth.’
‘Yeah, right,’ I reply as I wait for the punchline to this latest Dad joke. ‘So what’s this planet called then? Tattooine? Gallifrey? Krypton?’
Dad takes a deep breath and then makes a noise that sounds like a cow driving a motorbike full speed through an electric fence.
‘Mmbogbjsqxmmhxzohzmmhphfszdixzs oespcxmmmmbouztjmjphphphpdi.’
As this strange sound splutters to a finish, Dad pauses to wipe his mouth with the back of his sleeve.
‘But the astronomers on this planet call it Proxima b.’
I wait for him to crack a smile to show me that he’s joking. But the expression on Dad’s face doesn’t change. He looks really serious. Like he believes that it’s true.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t believe in aliens.’
In reply, Dad points towards the night sky. ‘How many stars can you see, Jake?’
I look up into the darkness and see the stars shining brightly there. I start to try and count them, but quickly give up.
‘I don’t know,’ I say. ‘There’s too many to count.’
‘Take a look here,’ Dad says, his finger tracing a silvery trail of stars as they spill across the sky. ‘This is the Milky Way – the galaxy that we live in. And it contains more than one hundred billion stars.’
His finger drifts across the darkness until it’s pointing to a blurry point of light, just above the trees.
‘And do you know what this is?’ he asks.
‘Another star, I guess.’
Dad shakes his head. ‘This is Andromeda – a whole other galaxy, twice as big as the Milky Way. In this tiny point of light there are more than two hundred billion stars. And the universe contains trillions of galaxies, each one with hundreds of billions of stars. All those stars have planets spinning round them, billions just like this one. All a planet needs for life to exist is an atmosphere, some organic compounds and a dash of liquid water. And sometimes not even that. So do you really think that out of all those billions of planets, Earth is the only place where intelligent life has evolved?’
Dad gently rests his arm around my shoulder.
‘The universe is a very big place, Jake, and it’s teeming with aliens.’
Dropping my gaze from the stars, I turn to look at my dad. He still looks deadly serious. It’s time for me try another tactic to get him to drop this crazy idea.
‘OK,’ I say. ‘Pretend that I believe you. If there are really all these aliens flying around up there, why haven’t we seen them yet?’
‘Because Earth has been placed in a Cosmic Zone of Exclusion.’
‘A Cosmic Zone of What?’
‘Exclusion,’ Dad replies. ‘This means the Earth is shut off from the rest of the universe. All P-class planets are placed in one.’
‘P-class planets?’
‘Primitive worlds,’ Dad replies. ‘Places where intelligent life exists, but only in a primitive form. Like planet Earth.’
I stare at my dad, dumbfounded.
‘The human race isn’t primitive!’
‘I know that, Jake,’ Dad replies, holding his hands up in apology. ‘But I’m afraid this isn’t the impression the human race has given to the universe. The Cosmic Authority spotted there was intelligent life on this planet eighty years ago when they detected radio and television signals leaking from Earth’s atmosphere and escaping into interstellar space. At first the universe celebrated, eager to welcome a new member to the cosmic family of intelligent civilizations. But then they started to watch and listen to the signals that this planet was sending . . .’
Dad’s sentence trails off into a pained silence.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask, still convinced that my dad has completely lost the plot. ‘Did they start watching The X-Factor and realize we couldn’t sing?’
Dad shakes his head.
‘No,’ he replies, ‘I don’t think The X-Factor was on eighty years ago. The signals the Cosmic Authority dete
cted brought them the news and they were horrified by what they saw and heard. Reports of fighting and famine, wars and global warming – a planet plagued with selfishness, aggression and greed. Life on Earth was judged to be truly primitive and a decision was made to forbid any advanced alien civilization from making contact with this planet. If the human race couldn’t care for its own world, imagine how it would treat the rest of the universe.’
My mouth gapes wide in disbelief as Dad continues to speak, every word he says a fresh type of crazy.
‘A sphere of silence was placed around this solar system to prevent any of the primitive ideas the Earth was infected with from spreading across the universe. All TV and radio signals were blocked and any attempts to communicate with humanity or travel to this planet strictly forbidden by order of the Cosmic Authority.’
Dad’s totally lost the plot, but I suddenly see a way to prove he’s making all this up.
‘But if aliens aren’t allowed to come to planet Earth, how can you be one then?’
‘Well, I’ve never been too good at following the rules,’ Dad replies with a cheeky smile. ‘And when my spaceship picked up a stray signal from Earth, I just had to come and take a look.’
‘What kind of signal?’
‘The radio waves came through on my translation circuits,’ Dad explains, glancing up at the sky with a faraway look in his eyes. ‘At first I thought it was a distress call from someone who was lost in space. The loneliest voice I’d ever heard telling me he was sitting in a tin can, far above a blue planet. His circuit was dead and there was nothing he could do. I had to try and help him. Turning my spaceship round, I headed straight for the source of the signal: planet Earth.’
Dad’s words sound strangely familiar and it’s only as he carries on talking that I realize why.
‘But when I reached this solar system, the distress call just faded into silence. And when I found the blue planet that he’d told me about, there was no sign of Major Tom anywhere.’
The words of Dad’s favourite song click together in my head. ‘Space Oddity’.
‘Wait a second,’ I say. ‘Are you trying to tell me you came to Earth because you heard a song by David Bowie?’
Dad nods his head. ‘I didn’t realize this at first. I didn’t even know what a song was back then. But as I got closer to Earth I realized the whole planet was singing. All the signals that the sphere of silence had blocked from reaching interstellar space now rang out loud and clear. I could hear the sounds on my translation circuits: strange instruments and twinkling voices calling across the loneliness of space.’ His foot taps in time as he looks at the stars. ‘I knew it was strictly forbidden to visit a P-class planet, but since I was already in the neighbourhood I didn’t think it would do any harm to take a closer look. But as soon as I entered Earth’s orbit, everything went wrong.’
His gaze traces an arc across the sky as if reliving the memory.
‘The Cosmic Authority had set a guard around this planet and I came under attack. My spaceship was chased as I spiralled out of control. All my systems were dead, and my only chance of escape before my craft was destroyed was an emergency teleport to the surface of this strange alien world. I was still being hunted and had to run for my life. That’s what the police officer who Flip told us about must’ve seen twelve years ago – the moment I fell to Earth.’
Lowering his gaze, Dad looks deeply into my eyes.
‘I’m telling you the truth, Jake.’
I stare at my dad, but if feels like I’m looking at him through the wrong end of a telescope. He seems so much smaller than he should be – like I’m the grown-up and he’s the little kid making up this crazy story about flying saucers, aliens and a space oddity. But how can I make him stop?
The words come out of my mouth before I have the chance to think about what might happen next.
‘Prove it.’
LIGHTSABERS ARE KIND OF LAME
‘Prove what?’ Dad asks as the sound of an acoustic guitar and a chorus of ‘Kumbaya’ drifts across from the campfire.
‘Prove that you’re an alien,’ I tell him, the two of us standing beneath the stars. The shadows of the trees at the forest’s edge stretch towards us like trailing tentacles. ‘In the movies, every alien who comes to Earth has got some kind of special ability. Superman can fly, Skrulls are shape-shifters and E.T. can use his finger like a torch. What extraterrestrial powers have you got, Dad?’
‘Errrr,’ Dad scratches his head as he ponders the question. ‘I don’t think I have got any special abilities.’
He waggles the tip of his finger, but this doesn’t light up.
‘You see, my home planet is a lot like Earth. It’s got the same kind of atmosphere, land and liquid water - even the weather’s pretty much the same, although Manchester gets a bit more rain. The only thing that’s really different is the gravity.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, the gravity here on Earth is a little lower than I’m used to,’ Dad explains. ‘So sometimes this makes me feel like I can fly. That’s what I was trying to tell you when we were tackling the treetop challenge.’
I remember Dad dancing across the swaying rope bridge, my heart in my mouth as I watched him soar through the air.
‘That doesn’t prove anything,’ I say. ‘You’re just good at gymnastics – exactly like me. Mrs Mays always says it’s like I forget gravity exists when I get on the gymnastics mat, but that doesn’t mean I’m an alien.’
‘OK,’ Dad replies. ‘But what about the fact that your skin turned bright green?’
‘That was an allergic reaction!’ I explode. It was bad enough listening to everyone else’s jokes about little green men without my dad joining in. ‘I don’t know why you’re making up this stupid story, but I don’t want to play your silly games any more.’
Angrily, I start to turn away, but Dad reaches out a hand to stop me.
‘I’m not making it up, Jake. I can prove what I’m saying is true.’ He reaches into his pocket. ‘I can show you some real alien technology.’
‘What is it?’ I ask, unable to hide my sarcasm. ‘A lightsaber? We’re not playing games in the garden, Dad.’
Dad shakes his head. ‘Lightsabers are kind of lame, Jake,’ he replies, opening up his hand to show me what he’s got there. ‘This is much more powerful.’
A small, egg-shaped stone, jet-black in colour, sits in the centre of his palm.
I stare at this, open-mouthed. ‘It’s a pebble.’
‘No, no, no,’ Dad replies. ‘This is the Quintessence – the beating heart of my spaceship. And since my spaceship was vaporized, it’s the only alien technology I’ve got left.’
Picking up the pebble, he twists this between his fingers and I gasp in surprise as starry lights suddenly shimmer across the surface of the stone.
‘With its emergency settings activated, the Quintessence is equipped with a universal translator, harmonic modulating circuit, cloaking shield and quantum flare. This device saved my life when I landed here on Earth.’
Dad’s words don’t make any sense to me, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the glittering pebble.
‘How?’ I ask as Dad places it in the palm of my hand.
‘I was being hunted by killer robots, searching for any sign of rogue alien life. The only way to escape was to go undercover – as a human being. The harmonic modulating circuit reprogrammed my biology, whilst the cloaking shield disguised any trace of alien technology. I used the universal translator to help me pick up the local lingo and then my transformation was complete. Goodbye, Ion of Mmbogbjsqxmmhxzohzmmhphfszdixzsoespcxmmmmbouztjmjphphphpdi. Hello, Ion Jones.’
Using the back of my sleeve, I wipe the spittle from my face.
‘Can’t you just call it planet Mmbog?’
‘You can call it what you like,’ Dad replies in a wistful tone, his gaze drifting upwards towards the night sky. ‘With my spaceship gone, I’m never going back there. The only way off this planet
is if I activated the quantum flare – and I wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that.’
I turn the pebble over in my hand. Flickering lights ripple across its surface as I look for the place where the batteries go. I still can’t really believe what he’s telling me. This must be a toy, not some piece of alien technology. Copying my dad, I twist the egg-shaped pebble between my fingers and grin as I feel it catch with a click.
Then the lights go out.
Not just on the Quintessence, but everywhere.
The fairy lights strewn over the roof of the yurt, the lanterns hanging across the campsite, even the neon signs outside the toilet block. Everything’s dark and I hear my dad groan as I turn my gaze to the stars.
They’re not there. The sky is completely black, as though someone has thrown a cloak across the universe, hiding every star from view. My head spins as I stare up into the infinite darkness.
Panicking, I twist the device again and the stars come back out with a click.
I look around the campsite, the fairy lights and lanterns shine brightly once more as the singalong splutters to a stop.
‘What – what just happened?’
Dad snatches the Quintessence off me, its flickering lights now pulsing with a strange red glow.
‘You activated the quantum flare!’
As Dad speaks, the night air seems to prickle with a strange electricity. It feels like a storm is brewing.
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
‘Inside the Quintessence is an emergency distress signal – a quantum flare – that when activated instantly communicates its location across the universe. They’ll know we’re here!’
Dad frantically shakes the pebble, trying to turn it off somehow.
And that’s when I see the glowing spheres of light, drifting slowly down out of the dark sky. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
‘Is that ball lightning?’ I ask, pointing up towards the strange blue-white orbs. They seem to be growing brighter as they descend and I hear the others shouting in surprise.
‘That’s not lightning,’ Dad replies, grabbing hold of my arm and dragging me towards the trees. ‘They’re Remote Operation Bio-location Observation and Termination units!’
Space Oddity Page 4