The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness

by La La Anthony

  When I go to bed, even those times when Melo pisses me off and we’re arguing, I know he has my best interest at heart. I know that he’s looking out for me, that he’s protecting me. That he will give me good advice without jealousy or ulterior motives.

  That’s the real joy in being married.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Salary Cap: His, Yours, and Ours

  Salary cap: 1. A maximum limit on salaries. 2. An upper limit to the combined salary of an entire team.

  “When should you talk about money in a relationship?”

  Very early. Even before you get too serious. They say the majority of marriages fail because of fights over money. So why wouldn’t you talk to him about it, hash out where you both stand on the subject, before you get serious? Why wait until you run into money troubles?

  I think it’s important to manage your expectations about money because you have to know that money comes and goes. So though I was marrying a man with money, I made it very clear that I would have my own back and his if he ever needed me to, because we were a team and I was with him for both of us to win. I was going to respect his pockets. And I was going to respect my own and not rely on him to take care of me.

  This is why I’m not a huge fan of prenuptial agreements. To me, it sets your marriage up for failure from the beginning because it’s basically saying, “If we break up, I don’t want you taking all of my money.” Well, why would you marry someone who you think would do that to you? I know things happen and people change and things can get crazy, but to me it just seems like you’re placing a built-in “I don’t really trust you” clause into your marriage vows.

  That’s just me. But I do see the other side. I do understand why some men have to protect their money like that. It’s a thin line when you’re talking about so much money.

  I had been around rich people before I got with Melo. I even had a few rich friends. But there’s a difference between going to a party at Diddy’s house and being blown away by all the opulence and actually living in Diddy’s house and having that be your life.

  Moving to Denver was like that for me. I played it cool. But there were a few “Oh, damn!” moments.

  Melo’s house in Denver was ridiculous. He had a basketball court in his house—a real hardwood basketball court like you’d see at one of the arenas. He had a lake—an entire lake—in his backyard.

  There were rooms in his house I hadn’t even been in—it was that big. He had a full-time chef. That didn’t take long for me to get used to, because I’m not a great cook. To be able to have someone prepare whatever you’d like at a moment’s notice was just dope.

  Melo would have a masseuse come over every day, and every ache and pain or sore muscle would be attended to. He was very valuable to the city of Denver. If he coughed wrong, the whole city would be in an uproar and someone would run to make sure he was okay.

  It was a different life. I would always think how hard it must be to maintain the connection to the real world. I used to ask him how he stayed in touch.

  “How does it feel to never have to worry about money?” I asked him.

  He just shrugged.

  When I was younger I used to say, “When I get money I’m going to get a penthouse in New York overlooking the park.” I had this grand idea of what having money looked like. But when I finally got to the point where I could buy that penthouse, my priorities had changed. It’s way more important that I have a stable home, not a nice house. It’s more important that I have a loving relationship than expensive things.

  Having money—after a while the thrill of it wears off. You may not take things for granted, but it takes a whole lot to be impressed. In fact, very little impresses me today, which is why it’s so much easier for me to focus on people’s character.

  For Melo, money wasn’t a thing. He had it. But I had to remind him of the number of NBA players who had it and ended up broke. Whether you’re making $20,000 or $20 million a year, if you’re spending more than you’re making you will end up broke. It sounds simple, but I’ve seen it happen way too often to not say anything.

  So, early in our relationship, I would say, “Babe, do we really need to fly private?” I didn’t make an issue of it; I just asked a question. Today we primarily fly commercial. As a partner or spouse, you’re there to look out for and help your mate. You’re there to make sure you have his or her back. But I’ve seen relationships where it seems as if the woman or man is out to get their partner. They will either watch them do reckless things with their money and say nothing or worse, they will spend the money and put the entire family behind the eight ball.

  I know how hard it is to earn money. Even if it’s millions, the work that goes into it is way too much to squander it.

  It’s so important that you and your spouse are on the same page financially. Just as it’s important for the two of you to be physically and emotionally compatible, you have to also be financially compatible. If you’re a crazy spender and he’s a crazy saver, then you may run into trouble, or you may be the perfect match if you’re both okay with the other’s habits. If you’re spending more than he’s making—or vice versa—and it’s putting your family in the hole, there will definitely be some issues.

  One solution that I believe helps keep a relationship at peace as it relates to money is having His, Hers, and Ours accounts.

  He should have an account from which he can buy anything he wants. You should have your account to buy what you want. And you should both contribute to an “Ours” account for the household and the kids.

  Marriage shouldn’t feel like you’re locked down. It’s a partnership, not a prison sentence. So if he has his own account from which he can buy whatever he wants, you shouldn’t be involved in it or comment about his purchases. If he works every day to earn that money, I don’t believe you should tell him how to spend it—as long as he’s contributing fairly to the “Ours” account.

  And I never want to be in a position to have to ask anyone for anything. If there’s a pair of shoes or a bag or even a car that I want, I should be able to get it. I don’t expect a man to understand why a woman would wait two months for a shoe to come out. But some of us do. And we shouldn’t be scrutinized or asked “Why do you need that?” or told “That’s too much for a pair of shoes!” if it’s something we want and we’ve worked hard to afford it. So make sure you have your own account, so you don’t have to worry about that. Save up for the things you really want.

  Some women seek only the money that a man may have and pay no attention to whether or not that man is a good man or even if he actually loves them. If you marry or get into a relationship with a man for his money, you deserve whatever comes with that.

  I believe every woman should have her own money and account. For me, having my own money is a form of freedom. It allows me to make decisions and do things freely without depending on or waiting for someone else to weigh in. I’m not saying that in some “I don’t need a man!” sort of way. That’s not me. Using independence as a weapon—as some women do—is not cool. Knowing you have your independence to fall back on, however, is very cool. It’s not just cool for you; it’s cool for the relationship.

  I have a friend who was married to an NBA player. She never worked while he was playing. He wasn’t a star, but a solid player. A couple of years after he left the league, they fell on hard times. All the money, the houses, the cars—it was all gone. That lifestyle that she had grown accustomed to disappeared and she had nothing. They had nothing and had to file for bankruptcy.

  If she had been working during those years when things were going well and saving her money and building herself and her own wealth, when bad times hit, she could have been there to help pick up the family.

  I know that sometimes men with money don’t want their women to work. If that’s the case, then you have to be smart about the money that does come through your hands. You
have a personal “just in case” fund for yourself, for your family, and even for him.

  Marriage is a two-way street and just because your man is a great breadwinner doesn’t mean you shouldn’t participate. Even if the money you make can’t compare to the money he makes, it’s something. And it gives you a career or something to do or to fall back on.

  Wouldn’t be it nice to know you have both of your backs? At the very least, you know you can take care of your kids and yourself if, God forbid, something were to happen to him. But even more than the financial security, I think a woman having her own—career, money, etc.—gives her the confidence to be in a relationship because she wants to be in that relationship, not because she has to be.

  I know a lot of women who feel trapped because they have nothing without their man. So they stay in a relationship where they are treated like crap and they put up with things because they don’t want to give up their “lifestyle.” That’s not healthy.

  I watched my mother pick up and leave a comfortable situation with nothing—not even a place to stay—and we were a happier family for it. I know firsthand that money really can’t buy you happiness. If anything, it can become a crutch that keeps you miserable because you think you can’t be happy without it.

  When a woman allows a man to totally take care of her, she leaves herself open to being mistreated. It gives the man too much power in the relationship, and not all men handle that well. Sometimes a man will use his money as a weapon or a tool to control a woman. But if a woman is making her own money, he can’t do that.

  Melo isn’t that kind of man, not at all. In fact, he’s laid-back and generous almost to a fault. He loves taking care of Kiyan and me. He would be fine if I decided I didn’t want to work. He wants me to be happy. But I know if I’m going to be happy I have to work. It makes me happy to be independent. And it feels good to know that the foundation of our relationship has absolutely nothing to do with how much money he has.

  Ever since I can remember, I always wanted to buy a house. I was married when I was finally in a financial position to get the kind of house I wanted. I had been spending a lot of time in Los Angeles working and I was tired of staying in hotels. I found myself out there for weeks and sometimes months at a time. When you’re in one place for so long, you want to sleep in your own bed.

  I also knew that if I ever bought a house it would probably be in L.A. It’s so different from New York and Atlanta. L.A. is like my chill place. I can be laid-back and relaxed there. I could also see myself eventually settling there, like my retirement spot.

  New York is great. I’m from New York. There are so many things to do in New York, and it keeps you prepared for whatever the world has to throw at you. It’s nonstop, fast-paced, and it can be hectic. L.A. allows me to refocus and recharge.

  When I was looking at houses, I got some recommendations on properties from a Realtor I knew. It took us less than a month to find the right place in the right location. I’m the type of person that when I see something I like, I know it and I don’t need to keep looking. And I found the perfect place in West Hollywood. It was the right size and the right price. I didn’t want anything too expensive because I was buying this house, not Melo. I also wanted to make sure that I could afford it. Things happen. You have to always be prepared for the worst. And my worst would be buying a house that was crazy expensive. Yes, right now I have money, but what about ten years from now if the work isn’t coming in? Again, I wasn’t buying this place for my husband to pay for. This was something I was doing for myself. So I stayed in my financial lane. I didn’t want to be in over my head.

  I found a nice three-bedroom in West Hollywood. I picked West Hollywood because it reminded me of New York. There are restaurants and shops that you can walk to. And the community is diverse. You have blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, and gays. It’s a good mix.

  It was an older house that the previous owner had torn down and rebuilt. It wasn’t over-the-top or extravagant. I have a room for Melo and me, a room for Kiyan, a guest room (for when Mom visits), and a backyard. There’s a cabana area, which is like my outdoor club, where I spend most of my time with friends barbecuing and watching TV. It’s like being away on vacation right in my own backyard. It is a very nice house and it meant a lot to me that I was able to buy it on my own.

  And I had the support of my husband, who knew this was a dream of mine. He didn’t even need to see it before I bought it.

  “I know I’m going to love it. Do your thing!” he told me. He was so supportive. That’s important, that your man supports the things you want to do. He shouldn’t feel threatened because you spend your money on something you want.

  My buying this house was all about me accomplishing something that I had wanted to do for a very long time. It was a place I could call my own that I can take full responsibility for. It was also an investment.

  Buying my own house was also a major step for me psychologically. But so was going back to work after I had my baby. There were so many people urging me to just stay home and be a mom and not work. And clearly I could have done that. But I’ve been working most of my life. It’s what I do. And in entertainment if you “take a break” you will find that there may not be any work waiting for you when you decide you want to return.

  But when I got the call several weeks after I had my baby and was asked if I would consider hosting a reunion show for Flavor of Love, I couldn’t imagine leaving home to work at that moment. My baby was about a month and a half old and we hadn’t spent one day apart. But then I thought about it: What if I didn’t get another call? Would I be happy being a stay-at-home mom? I had my manager reach out and tell them I would do it. Working makes me happy. Having my own income makes me happy. I definitely wanted to get back to things that I loved and that made me happy. I didn’t want to sacrifice my career because now I had a baby. I don’t knock women who do that . . . if that’s what makes them happy.

  I’m not saying it was easy going back to work after having Kiyan. I cried because I was leaving him for the first time. While I would only be gone for a day, I was torn up. I flew to L.A. from Denver to do the show, and my mom stayed with Kiyan. I was glad I did it, because doing that show opened up more opportunities.

  I was ultimately happy.

  I make fake comments like “I wish I was rich!” I often joke with my friends and family about the things I would get if I had money. In my mind, Melo is rich. I do very well. What he has, he’s earned. That’s his money. I don’t necessarily count his money as my money even if he does. I don’t make $20 million a year. I know I can ask him for whatever I want, but there’s a great feeling in being able to provide for myself.

  I’ve always hated asking for anything—even as a kid.

  “Ma, can I get some money to go to the movies?” I hated asking. So I got a job so I wouldn’t have to. That’s just the way I’ve always been. Even before I worked at the radio station, Dice and I worked at Baskin-Robbins together. I also had a job at the Limited, a clothing store. I even worked two jobs at one point because while it was cool getting a ride to school, I wanted my own car and I didn’t want to ask anyone to get me one. I never wanted to hear “Not today,” or “Maybe tomorrow.” And then you’re waiting around for someone to decide whether they will give you something you’ve asked for. Or worse, you ask for something and the response is “You don’t need that . . .” If I want it badly enough, I’ll either save up for it or I’ll go without. Or I will dip into my savings and get it. There’s freedom in that.

  My first car was a Jetta, a beat-up blue Jetta. I needed it to work at the radio station because it was forty-five minutes from my house and there was no way I was taking a bus to that dicey area near the airport at the times I was working. And I didn’t want to depend on anyone to drive me. My mother was doing enough, getting on her feet after her divorce from my stepdad and our move from New Jersey to Atlanta. I didn’t want to
be a burden to anyone.

  Now that I’ve built a career and have my own financial independence, my mother wants me not to work so much. She wants me to stay home, cook, and take care of my family. She’s old-fashioned. I understand where she’s coming from. But I see my role in taking care of my marriage and my family differently. This is the way Melo and I have been since we got together. He met me working on television, having my own apartment, with my own car. He fell in love with an independent woman. So why change?

  HALFTIME

  How Do I Snag a Baller?

  Believe it or not, I get asked this question a lot. So I thought I’d take halftime to answer. The best way to snag a baller is to not make that your goal. For me, it happened organically.

  It seems that more and more women set their sights on getting with a rapper, an athlete, or an entertainer—someone who they believe will take care of them financially and give them the kind of lifestyle they see on television and in the movies. When they’re looking for a man and to get into a relationship, this is their only goal.

  The lifestyle looks really great from the outside—all the money and the fame and all that comes with it, like the free swag and front-row seats to games and concerts and hobnobbing with the rich and fabulous. But . . . there is a whole other side to this life.

  I have to say that being in a relationship with someone famous has been one of the most challenging relationships for me. Along with all the wonderful things you have access to, there is an equal amount of shit you have to eat. (I’ll get to this in another chapter.)

  Here’s another truth: Most women who make snagging one of these high-ticket men their primary goal don’t get him.

  Yes, he’ll sleep with you. He may even have a baby with you, but he won’t be with you—not the way you may want. He’s not taking you home to meet his mother, and it’s highly unlikely that he’ll put a ring on your finger.