The Summer We Loved

by Wendy Lou Jones

  Without the long-held walls to protect herself, Jenny suddenly felt the full turmoil of her teenage departure and she found herself openly weeping at last. And it was then that she knew, without a doubt, that she had been the one to cause all the fights. She remembered how hurt and rejected she had felt and how angry she had been at the world around her. This was a pain she needed. And the realisation of that pain could have suffocated her, but for the surge of love and forgiveness she felt implicit in her mother’s arms. She was on the road back home and she had her compass.

  “I’m so sorry, Mum. For everything,” she said as she filled her lungs with air.

  “It doesn’t matter,” her mum told her. “You’re home now. I should never have let you go in the first place. I blame myself. I should have trusted you, that you were strong enough to cope. And now look at you! You’re all grown up,” she said, pulling away. “Let me look at you. You’re so beautiful. And a nurse; how wonderful.” Then she straightened. “I’ve got to find your father.” She turned around, looking for her husband in the garden. “John! John! Jenny’s back. She’s come home to us.”

  A moment later, her dad appeared from behind a hedge with a fork in his hand. His face lit up. “Jennifer,” and he walked over to see her. He paused and for a moment Jenny didn’t know how he was going to take it. “I’m sorry,” she said and he wrapped her in his arms.

  “I’ll tell Susie there’ll be one more for lunch, shall I? You are going to stay, aren’t you?”

  Jenny nodded. “Would it be all right to stay overnight? I think it would be good for me to spend a little time back here.”

  Her mother beamed. “I would love that, darling,” and they wandered in to clean up.

  At lunch, Jenny told them about everything she had been doing since she left so many years before. Then she remembered something she had spoken to Pete about. “Something has been troubling me that I need to know. How much has my training cost Auntie May? I’m going to have to pay her back somehow.”

  Her mother looked towards her father and Jenny followed her lead. “Dad?”

  “You don’t have to worry about your aunt, Jen, we made sure she had enough to see you through.”

  “You paid for me?”

  “As soon as we realised you weren’t going to come back to us we started paying into an account she set up for you. We couldn’t have asked her to support you for nothing. Things were tight for her when your uncle got sick.”

  “You sent her money?”

  Her mother seemed uneasy with her response. “We would have sent you anything you wanted, my darling. What we really wanted was to have you back here with us, but…”

  “I was too wrapped up in myself to see.”

  Her mother reached out a hand and squeezed one of hers. “You were only young and you had been through so much. You can’t blame yourself.”

  “Can’t I?”

  “No,” her dad said quite firmly. “And I won’t hear another word said about it. You’re back with us now and that makes me very happy.”

  Jenny had spent so much of the past few days crying she found she was easily back there again. She sniffed and wiped her tears away. “Look at me. I’m a mess.” She forced herself to smile and tried to eat the food set out before them.

  That evening her mum took Jenny up to her bedroom and she placed her bag on the bed. Looking around her, she noticed the walls were covered with pictures. They were of her in various places: her graduation, in her first nurse’s uniform, a seaside holiday and just sitting in the garden. She turned towards her mother. “But…”

  “We weren’t with you all the time,” she told her. “It was hard to be, but we did manage the important things.” She pointed to a graduation picture.

  “You were there?”

  “Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. We were so proud of you.”

  Jenny was speechless. She had never even considered. She looked along the walls at the other pictures.

  “Your aunt sent us that one in the garden,” she told her. “I always loved that one.”

  “She kept you up to date on what I was doing?”

  “You were our baby girl. We missed you.”

  Jenny turned back round and sat down on the bed. “What happened with Lizzy, Mum?”

  Her mum came and sat down beside her.

  “After I left.”

  Her mum smoothed at the creases of her dress as if thinking about how to begin. “She took it hard, your leaving, poor Lizzy. Suddenly her world, as she knew it, turned upside down. You disappeared and we missed you so much. She was only nine, you have to remember. I think maybe we didn’t pay her enough attention when it first began. It was a harrowing time for everyone. You mustn’t blame her, but she came to resent you. That’s why all your pictures are in here. This is where we came to spend time with you. Bringing you in here, it was the only way to get her back to being the little girl she used to be. You do understand, don’t you?”

  “I never even thought about how she’d feel.” Jenny shook her head. “The ironic thing is she was the one I came back for. I was determined to keep you two at a distance, but I wanted to know Lizzy. And then you took me back with open arms, and she could barely look at me.” She longed to make things right between them. “What can I do to make it better?”

  “Give her time, darling. We can begin to talk about you when she’s around. She’s a grown woman now. She’ll have to accept it. You have managed such a turn-around, and you were always the stubborn one. She was our placid little thing. Times change. She’ll have to too.”

  Her mum hugged her then and kissed her on the forehead. “Goodnight, my darling,” she said and she left Jenny to go to bed.

  Jenny sat there for a while, surrounded by memories, not all of them unpleasant, and then she found Fluffy, her cuddly rabbit from her early years and she tucked him up next to her and went to sleep.

  The next morning Jenny felt like a baby lamb taking her first steps. Everything was new, full of hope, and although the same, it felt different. She revelled in the closeness of her mother and father and joined in the gardening she’d interrupted the day before. They collected berries for jam and freezing and enjoyed the last of the summer sun, but she still hadn’t faced up to one thing.

  After lunch, when they were sitting resting in the conservatory, Jenny started to play with her earring. “Would it be all right if I went to see Clara now?” she said quietly.

  Her mother sat up, concern filling her gaze. “Of course,” she replied. “We’ve been expecting it. Would you like us to go with you?” Her father looked up and studied her.

  Jenny nodded, all at once afraid to face the even harder emotions awaiting her there, but the time was right and she had to do it.

  “Come on, then,” her dad said and he set down the pen and paper from his crossword and stood up.

  Clara had been buried on the far side of the hill, in the grounds of a little chapel, where the sun never set, only slumbered. It was situated just beyond the reach of their land and it had been Jenny’s decision to bury her there, in a place that had inspired countless imaginary adventures for her as a child. And it had been such a beautiful day when they had said their goodbye.

  They pulled on their boots and jackets and all three together, they walked out across the garden to the stile on the far side and over into the field beyond.

  High up on the top of the hill, a small clump of trees gave shelter from the harshest wind and just beyond this, Jenny saw her first glimpse of it. There, as the slope fell away from her, sat the simple stone chapel and nestled at its feet, were the handful of graves that accompanied it.

  At the edge of the low stone wall, Jenny stopped, afraid to go closer. She had not seen her daughter’s grave since the day she had left home, more than a decade before, and now the mere sight of it sliced her in two. It had been just a simple wooden cross when she’d left and now it had a gravestone, all worldly, and weathered with age.

  Filled with a power
ful remorse, she walked across and sank to her knees. She read the beautiful inscription through tear-flooded eyes: Too heavenly for this world. Too sweet to last. Remembered always, our beautiful baby girl, Clara Louise White.

  “Is it all right, Jenny?” her mother asked, coming to stand behind her. “We wanted it to be perfect.”

  A small spray of pale pink hydrangeas lay at the foot of the headstone and with trembling limbs, Jenny reached out and plucked it from the ground. She held it to her lips and then looked up at her parents. Her dad sucked in a deep breath and, turning, he walked a few steps away.

  “I come here when I need to think,” her mother said, laying a gentle hand on Jenny’s shoulder. “We have a chat, Clara and I.” She looked over towards her husband, love filling her eyes. “Your dad comes here more often, I think. He always brings her a flower. Even in winter.”

  Jenny rose up, her soul crying out in pain and she walked over to her father. He understood her suffering, they both did, and it touched her so deeply that she wept all the more.

  At the touch of her hand, her father turned. She opened her arms and he came to her. “Thank you, Dad,” she whispered and she felt his body shudder with the tears he could no longer contain.

  Jenny left them at the station at the end of the afternoon. She had made peace with the world; she had gone home to Clara and reclaimed her past. She would keep in touch with them now and be back again often, if they would have her, and hoped that one day soon, she and Lizzy would be able to rebuild their relationship too.

  A single flower from the small sprig of the pale pink hydrangeas now nestled within the pages of her book, along with one from the spray she had picked to lay beside it, and it brought a small amount of comfort for her to know this.

  As she boarded the train back at Birmingham, her phone buzzed in her pocket. NEEDING SOME HELP WITH MY STUDIES. ARE YOU FREE TO DROP ROUND?

  Jenny thought for a while. She couldn’t see him that night. She doubted he really needed her anyway; he was probably just feeling guilty, so she told a white lie: VISITING PARENTS. NOT BACK TILL LATE. SORRY. She thought about it for a minute and then, satisfied it was for the best, she pressed ‘send’. No good could come from being with him now. She was just tormenting herself. Truth be told, she didn’t trust herself to behave around him, even now, and she definitely didn’t trust him. That was why she had to distance herself.

  Her phone didn’t ring again that evening. She arrived home and then set about tidying. She wanted nothing of her dark times staying with her now. Nothing she couldn’t mourn, anyway. She was loved and she was turning over a new leaf. From now on, she was determined to make those around her happy, and for as long as she possibly could.

  Pete sat alone in his flat. He couldn’t see her, or she didn’t want to be seen. It amounted to the same thing in the end: he was back on his own.

  Chapter 13

  Pete closed his books at the end of a long evening’s studying and leant back in his chair. He had come to terms with it now. Jenny had been right. He had loved Ali. There, he had said it, and still the walls of his existence had not tumbled in. He had loved Ali, first like a sister, but later as something far deeper. Maybe he had hero-worshipped her for a while, but in the end it had been love. That was why he had tried to deny it for so long, for fear that if people knew, if they even had a suspicion that he had loved her, they would have seen him for the selfish being he was. He had known she was with Adam, but he hadn’t been able to let her go.

  But now he was ready to move on. He had buried himself long enough. It was time to be more than his looks and his skills. Love had been offered to him and he had been too blind to see it, too afraid, anyway. He may have lost all chance with Jenny, but he owed it to her to help her be happy. He wanted to be the man she had wanted him to be, the man he could be again if he tried.

  He wasn’t promising success, he might not even be capable, who could say? But he was determined to try.

  Jenny was hurting and he wanted to be with her. He wanted to wrap her in his arms and take away her burden. He wanted to give her all that she needed, so that there was no room in her life left for pain. His world had had sun in it for a while. She had been that sun. He needed to give that back to her now. He felt capable of achieving anything when he was with her. It was probably thanks to her he was even here. She had been the one to go looking for him, to realise he needed someone and to stand by him, however much abuse he hurled at her, because she had cared.

  He had screwed up by being afraid and now he was paying the price. In hesitating about wanting her, he had only managed to make her not want him and she’d been retreating from him ever since. He was a fool if he thought he could change that. But she had confided in him and for that he couldn’t account. Maybe he was all she had, and she thought she was safe to speak to him, just not to love him.

  It was now his turn to be a hand to hold on to. He had to put his own needs behind him and concentrate on her. What did she need to get through this? What could he do to make her life better? He had to think of what he could do that she wouldn’t find threatening.

  He had a little over a week till his final exam, and he needed to sleep. It was almost midnight, but he hadn’t seen her all weekend. He pulled out his phone. ARE YOU OK, JENNY WREN? It was a pathetic opener, but at least he would know if she was awake. He waited. A minute later his phone bipped in reply and his pulse awoke.

  CAN’T SEEM TO SLEEP. WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

  He replied. STUDYING HARD, LIKE A GOOD BOY.

  His phone bipped again. GLAD TO HEAR IT.

  His fingers hovered over the keys… CAN I SEE YOU?

  There was a pause before her reply came in. NOW?!!!

  He smiled. If only. NOT NOW! TOMORROW?

  ON LATES. CAN DO THURSDAY?

  Thursday would have to do. HERE?

  PIZZA HUT. 7?

  In a public place again. He sighed. I’LL BE THERE. He switched his phone off and then thought better of it and turned it back on, just in case she needed him. Time for sleep, he thought. Stretching, he filled his lungs with a deep yawn and walked into the bedroom.

  The two days that followed, Pete filled with work and studies, leaving little time for self-recriminations. He had a goal in sight and was determined not to mess it up this time, so he did what he had to do, to the best of his ability.

  Thursday evening was hers. Since the night Tina had effected his fall, Jenny had been building walls with him. It was plain she no longer considered him more than a friend, not even a friend in some respects. He had proven himself shallow in that one stupid mistake, but he couldn’t bear her coldness towards him. He’d had no idea Tina was going to walk in that day. She shouldn’t even have known where he lived. He had to try and win back Jenny’s friendship at least, he needed her, or there was no hope for him anyway.

  Jenny was waiting outside when he arrived. Pulling up in the car park, he noticed she seemed miles away. She was sitting on a low wall, reading a book and he watched her for a few minutes, just revelling in the sight of her, undetected, undone. She was everything he could ever ask for and more, her fragile depth of compassion and the strength she found to stand up to the world. She was beautiful. Open, yet guarded, she was so strong on the outside, but so vulnerable beneath. He loved her and if loving her meant keeping himself away from her, then so be it, but she had to know he cared.

  He opened the car door and got out. As the door slammed shut, he caught her attention and she looked up. He smiled. “I’m not late, am I?”

  Jenny closed her book and hopped off the wall. She checked her watch. “Not at all.” She smiled and he was in no way fooled that she felt it. Something was different. Maybe it was being with him, maybe it wasn’t, but his normally strong-willed Jenny Wren was nowhere near her usual self and he was going to try everything he could to find out why.

  “I’m really sorry for the other night, Jen.” It needed to be said again, so he decided to just put it out there. She had done
so much for him and he had let her down. “I never meant to hurt you, I know you don’t believe me, but it’s the truth. I didn’t even touch her.”

  She screwed up her eyes as if blocking out his words. “It’s okay, Pete. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have barged in on you. Shall we go in?”

  She was dismissing it as if she hadn’t cared. She was hurting and he hated that. They headed for the entrance.

  “I heard you had it in the neck from the nurses in theatre,” she said. She was trying to lighten the mood, but she still didn’t believe him, and why would she? There was no light shining in her eyes for him any more, her shoulders were heavy and her smile was weak. Gone was the confident woman he knew her to be. Then he suddenly thought. “They didn’t have a go at you too, did they?”

  She shook her head. “It’s more like a book of condolences for anyone who’s been hurt by you.” A small smiled creased the corner of her face and he was grateful for it.

  He rubbed his fingers across his brow. “Touché.”

  The waiter appeared by their table and they placed their order and watched as he left.

  “What’s happening, Jen?” Pete asked her. “Tell me it’s not just me who’s made you like this. Is it something to do with your family?”

  Jenny shook her head. “No. It’s me.”

  “You?” What could be wrong with her?

  She looked into his eyes and Pete thought the world had stopped spinning.

  “All the pain I caused my family over the years. The troubles with Lizzy. Losing Clara. Everything. Even my aunt having to put up with me for so long. It was all my fault. I can’t be that person any more. I don’t want to be. It’s made me determined to be far more careful with what I say and do from now on.”

  “But I thought everything was sorted out between you now?”

  “It is. On their part. But I can’t help thinking over what a mess I’ve made of everything.”

  He reached over and took her hands in his. “No. I think I get the medal for that one.” He smiled kindly. “Jenny, your aunt loves you. Your mum and dad love you. Your sister will too, given time.”