The Helldivers' Rodeo: A Deadly, X-Treme, Scuba-Diving, Spearfishing, Adventure Amid the Off Shore Oil Platforms in the Murky Waters of the Gulf of Mexico

by Humberto Fontova

  All that banter, all that hinting, all that innuendo from other boozy but more sedate gatherings uncorked here. All that exposed wet flesh stumbling around didn't help matters-or did, depending on your viewpoint. Same for the tequila shots, passed around on trays every ten minutes it seemed.

  "Watch it, dude!" Someone would rasp. "That's my wife's face you just stepped on! And my ass you grabbed!"

  "Hey!" someone else yells after a bite. "Great stuff here! Whaddayya call it?"

  "A napkin." his mate answers.

  I'll never forget Pelayo. "Hey, toots!" he kept calling to some chick named Meaghen-one of the few sober ones, if I recall. She always kept one of those "wraps" around her waist, so you couldn't see her butt cheeks peeking from under her suit-unless you really concentrated. She fancied herself a "management consultant" and kept using the words "proactive" and "empower." Words that, considering the tone and rhythm of the evening, seemed fabulously out of place. They always provoked a flurry of hidden snickers. Not so with Pelayo. He was up-front with it.

  "Hey, TOOTS!" he'd bellow while hoisting his beer. "How 'bout empowe-rrrring yourself to be PRO-active and get me another beer! This one's running a trifle low," always followed by sucky, kissy noises.

  Then he'd try to smile, but his florid face with the glazed, buggy eyes wasn't working right. He always ended up with a demented, psychotic leer that made anyone near him cringe and slink away. He had the poor girl-an out-of-towner from New Jersey, attending Tulane Law School no less-in tears midway through the night.

  It was a mess. Too many people who didn't know each other and were in no mood to make friends that night. Everyone had a chip on his or her shoulder. The uptowners all had an attitude. They claimed we did too. So we kept drinking to compensate. And that made it worse. The booze backfired on us. Rather than make us witty and friendly it made us stupid and mean. Modes of communications deteriorated steadily through the evening. No point in trying to scream over the stereo. And hand signals didn't help much with everybody's eyes crossed. The party petered out near dawn and nearly everyone-intra- and intercouple-parted on exceptionally ugly terms.

  And nary a cop incident on any ride home. Not odd actually, after uptown parties. Then somehow by Mardi Gras everybody had made up. And Jenny and Buzz went through with the wedding two weeks later. And then-good God-that reception! But that's another story. Now I'm the lucky one to greet them.

  "Hey, Buzz! Hey, Jen! Great to see y'all out here!" I lied as they rumbled up. "Never thought you'd make it."

  Buzz was looking dapper in his sun shades. Jenny was all smiles in a killer bikini. "Nice out here this morning," she cooed. "Lovely weather ... nothing like yesterday. We weren't sure we'd make it. Why don't ya come with us?"

  "Where?"

  "Out to the shallow rigs." Buzz pointed. "Hear they've been clobbering the cobia out there. Jenny"-he looked at her with a smirk-"wants to fight one ... come on, we'll have ya back by the time the crew wakes up."

  I looked around. Not a soul in sight. "Why not," I said. "But wait ... lemme get my camera. I could use some good action shots, especially of a chick in a bikini."

  The boat ride was delightful-the sun just cresting the eastern horizon, yellow rays peeking through the clouds and sending their shimmering blanket over the calm sound. We were humming along too-47 mph said the speedometer. In minutes Buzz hauled back about a hundred yards from the first rig.

  "Humberto?" Jenny was waving a tube of suntan oil from the bow. "Could you?" and she pointed at her back.

  "Yeah, sure," I replied gallantly.

  "Ummmm," she cooed, shimmying her shoulders seductively as I worked the fragrant oil into her shoulder blades and lower back, even under the straps.

  "Quite a thrill for a married man," I glanced at Buzz, Grouchoing my eyebrows as I rubbed away.

  He just snorted. Not even a smile.

  I went for the rig hook and stood on the bow as Buzz eased closer to the rig. The water was gorgeous. You could see fifty feet down the beams. The murk had vanished with the current. Mangrove, sheepshead, and spadefish everywhere. Then two dark shapes loomed near the surface on the left. "What the? Yep! Over there!" I shouted, pointing with the rig hook. "Cobia! Buzz-gotta be cobia! Two of 'em!"

  "I see them!" Jenny shrieked. "Yes, oh my! They're really big! Hurry, Buzzy!"

  Buzz was fumbling with the rod holders. "Goddammit Jenny! Didn't I tell ya to ... " And he finally untangled one and looked up. "Where?" he yelled. "Where? Ah! Yeah, big!" and he cast a Magnum Green Cocahoe about twenty feet in front of the first one. Two reel cranks and the front one lunged forward- WHOOM! It nailed the lure and almost jerked Buzzy overboard.

  "YEEaah!" Buzz reared back and roared as the thing took off like a crazed torpedo-and off, and off. There was no stopping it. It was a still, muggy morning. Buzzy was pumping away, grunting, pouring sweat, gasping. The thing was relentless. For every yard Buzz gained, the fish would strip off three.

  "Here, Honey!" he called to Jen after about ten minutes of cranking and huffing. "Fight him for a while! You've always wanted to fight a big one, haven't ya?"

  Jenny was stretched on the bow in her pink bikini, slathered in oil and sipping a wine cooler. "No thanks!" she chirped.

  "All right, then dammit! Crank up the motor and let's follow him!" Buzz snarled. "I'm getting tired-and get the damn gaff ready!"

  "I'll get it, Buzz," I offered. "I've gaffed my share of ...

  "No!" he barked, pointing at me. "You get the pictures, Humberto. That's what you came for, right? Get some good action shots." Then he pointed at Jenny, his finger trembling and his knuckles white. "She'll gaff it. I'm sure she's good for something."

  Whoo boy, I thought. Getting edgy already. But she didn't seem annoyed, probably didn't hear him. Buzz lowered his hand, tightened the drag, and started gaining on the fish as Jenny got behind the console and started working the throttle. "Not so fast, dammit," Buzz growled. "I can't reel fast enough! And turn a little."

  "Whoops," Jenny looked at me, giggling, covering her mouth the way women do when they smile or laugh. She eased back on the gas as Buzz pumped away at the slack. Finally we had the big brown brute lumbering at boat side.

  "Gaff him, Jen!" Buzzy barked. "Get him, for God's sake!"

  Jenny raced for the stern with a happy little whoop, grabbed the gaff, and started leaning over.

  "NOT NOW!" he screeched. "Wait for him to get a little CLOSER! Geezuz!"

  "Buzzy!" She shot back. "STOP screaming at me, you ASSHOLE! I'm trying to HELP!"

  I was snapping pictures, thrilled by the show.

  "Okay, okay ... get ready," Buzz sputtered. The fish was coming up again. "Okay-now, now-NOW! GAFF HIM! GAFF the GODDAMN FISH!!"

  Jenny lunged out, hitting the cobia with the blunt end. He jerked his tail, showering us with spray, and shot off on another spool-screeching run. "What the? WHOA!" Buzzy howled, shaking the water from his face and jamming the rod's butt between his legs. He held on with a two-fisted death-grip, grimacing and pouring sweat as the rod bowed and bucked. Almost looked like he was jerking off.

  "DAMMIT, Jenny!" he shouted over the screeching reel. "You're WORTHLESS! Ya know THAT? You're fucking worthless!" He wiped his face with his shirt and spit over the side. "I don't know why in the hell I bring your worthless ass out here. You hear me? This is the last TIME! You hear me! The LAST!"

  Jenny got up and turned around to face him. She glared for a second and lifted the gaff with a trembling arm while her lips tightened.

  Christ, I said to myself. She's gonna gaff him.

  But she threw the gaff-CLANG! against the metal railing and it bounced back, almost hitting me. I hopped aside just in time.

  "That's it!" Buzz shouted. "Yeah that's it! GO ahead and gaff him! That's ALL we need! I guess that old woman you knocked down in the parking lot at the Daiquiri Shop wasn't enough! Let's get sued again! Sure, AGAIN! We can afford it."

  "Damn right." I quipped. "I like this boat. Bigger than mine
. I could use it. Your new Suburban too. Ha-ha!" But nobody was laughing, or paying attention to me.

  Jenny's face was the color of a bad sunburn, and her eyes squinched into little slits of blue rage. Her lips compressed. "You! You ungrateful pig, you!" and she broke into sobs, blubbering hysterically. She covered her face with both hands. Her torso jerked and quivered. Then she made a fist and started shaking it towards him. "You're a heartless bastard! You hear me?"

  "Yeah, I hear you." Buzzy snapped. "And so do the guys working on that rig," He pointed with his chin. "And on that rig, and that one." An evil sneer creased his sweat-beaded face. "But hey!" his eyes lit up in mock humor. "I bet the ones on THOSE rigs way over there can't HEAR YOU!" He let go with one hand so he could point around. "And they probably can't hear us WAY OVER in Venice, EITHER!"

  Buzz was rolling his eyes, baring his teeth, and sweeping his free arm in a big circle, "So why don't you scream it a little LOUDER, hunh, dar-ling? `I can't HEAR YOU, PYLE! I can't HEAR YOU!!".

  Damn if he didn't sound just like Sergeant Carter. But Jenny looked nothing like Gomer Pyle. No idiot grin on her face. She looked on the verge of a crack up, her pretty face beet red and contorted, her lips jerking spastically. "Shut UP, Buzzy!" She sputtered. "Just shut up, you miserable PRICK!"

  Whooo-boy, I thought. Buzz curled his lips and bared his front teeth like fangs. I was smiling nervously, on the verge of jumping overboard, climbing on a rig and summoning a helicopter.

  Jenny was hysterical now, leaning against the rail, sobbing, moaning, nodding her head, wiping the drool from her chin. She looked over at me with red-swollen eyes. "He's so ... he's SO ... mean to me, Humberto. So damn MEAN ... I can't ..."-then she took a deep breath and looked skyward, clearing her throat.

  Christ, I'm thinking. These people are going sideways on me. Whv'd I come?

  Buzz finally went back to cranking away at the fish and Jenny seemed to calm down. She took another couple of deep breaths and started for the bow-just as a swell from a supply boat hit us. She kept her balance, then stepped on an empty wine-cooler bottle that was rolling around on the floor and went down with a nasty thump. "Aaavvh!" she squealed. "Oh, oh-my arm!"

  Her arm twisted awkwardly in the handrail and half her bikini top slipped up to her neck. Suddenly a luscious white tit was jiggling two feet in front of my face, like in a titty-bar, but this was a hundred times more erotic.

  "Oh, my!" I reached over. "Here, Jenny ... you okay? Oh my goodness. Here." My forearm brushed her tit in the process, but she didn't seem to notice ... or did she? Hmm. I brushed it again while "helping" her up. Then again, but with my nose, as I bent down to pick up the bottle. Man, I love the smell of that pina colada suntan oil she uses. Always reminds me of the beach, of beach bunnies smeared with it, afternoon naps next to them ...

  "There!" I said smiling as I came back up. Buzz had turned back around, nodding and sighing disgustedly. Jenny was adjusting her strap. Her tit was covered now. "You okay?" I asked. "Man, I remember once when I took a spill out here and got snagged on two treble hooks from a Magnum Rapala! TWO! Man, shoulda seen that mess."

  She was upset. " Buzzy!" she wailed, looking back towards him. "Buzz y, why won't you help me! Look at me! Look at size! You bastard! Oh Buzzv, you're so mean to me!" and she broke up again.

  I put my arm around her. She was limp, moaning and sobbing again, rubbing her knee. Buzz just nodded from the other side of the boat, sighing and snorting bitterly.

  "Humberto!" Jenny suddenly gasped. Wine fumes pummeled my face as she pointed with her lovely manicured hand. "Will you look at him?" She dropped her arm and suddenly seized my leg, pretty high up too. "Just look at him. He won't even help me. He doesn't care what happens to me. He just doesn't give a shit ... DO YOU?" She glared over at him. "DO YOU, you evil PIG!" She tightened her grip as she spat the words.

  "Oh, yes I do!" Buzz spun around laughing harshly, still cranking away at the fish. "You bet I do, my DARLING!"

  "You're a bastard, Buzzy. And I'm getting so tired of your ranting and raving at me for every little thing-every LITTLE thing, Buzz. Oh Humberto, I just don't know anymore. I used to-but I just can't take it anymore!" And she collapsed, sobbing on my chest, her hand moving up my thigh.

  Whoops, what now? I looked over at Buzz-afraid to look at Jenny-and he was still cranking away at the reel. The soft lovely hand with the gold bracelet gripped right where my shorts ended. And these were pretty short. Was it an accident? My head reeled. I couldn't believe this shit. She gripped tighter and a little higher. The center console blocked Buzzy's view below my chest.

  I looked down. The red fingernails stood out against my skin, which-though I tan well-was pretty white this close to my scrotum. Then I looked up at Jenny's face-then back over at Buzz just as I felt a finger slipping under the shorts and start moving, back and forth, inching upward.

  "Here, Buzz!" I gasped, and edged towards him. "Let me get the gaff this time. I've got plenty pictures!" I looked at Jenny for a second and she had a weird glazed look I'd never seen before.

  The cobia was rolling about ten yards away now and I got ready with a good grip on the gaff. "Huge sucker!" I yelled and looked up at Buzz. "Gotta go fifty, sixty pounds, ya think?"

  "I think that crazy bitch behind me needs her white ass spanked red. That's what I think." He chuckled harshly, then turned around and wiggled his tongue at her. "And I think she's gonna get it as soon as we boat this fish."

  Oh shit, I thought. Maybe the console didn't block everything. Or maybe I'm out here with raving loons, for God's sake. I haven't seen these people in over a year, had no idea things had gotten like this.

  Anyway, did Buzz see Jenny's hand tickling my pubes just now? Does he know she's into this kind of shit? Maybe they're both into it. Maybe they're some kind of swingers or something? I didn't know what to think. Then Buzz looked at her with that wicked Nicholson leer of his and chuckled again.

  "Ha-ha!" I said, looking over, commenting on the spanking remark. A little jocosity. Just what we need. Maybe the mood is changing. But Jenny just sat on the bow with that glazed look. She didn't say a thing, just sat there, twisting the cap off another wine cooler with the corner of the towel. Then she turned to starboard for a second and guzzled, guzzled a little too fast, actually.

  "That's IT! Yeah that's it!" Buzz yelled. "Start puking now, why don't ya! A little early for ya to start puking now, isn't it Ho-nev?"

  "Almost here, Buzz!" I yelped, trying to defuse the scene. "Get him a little closer." The cobia was at boatside again. "I'll get him." He lumbered up slowly, shaking his head, and I lunged out, under him and up, and JAB! hooked him expertly, right under the gills.

  Then, with a jerk, he shot straight down, knocking me off my feet and almost overboard. But my chin stopped me as it smacked the gunwhale-WHACK! like a jackhammer.

  And there goes the fish, with the gaff still impaled in its jaw, the seven dollar lure in its lip and five feet of snapped forty-pound test monofilament.

  "You idiot!" Buzz roared. "You fuckin' idiot!"

  "Hey, man!" Now I was pissed. "Fuck vou, all right?" I was sputtering now. "And the horse you rode in on, all right? Just chill out, will ya? Geezuz!"

  Buzz stood there, lips curled, panting, pouring sweat. Then he wound up like a pitcher and hurled his rod against the console, where it cracked the screen on the depth finder, sending him into a stomping, sputtering, spittle-spewing rage. "We'll NEVER boat one of these goddamn cobia with this crew! NEVER! Christ! Where do I FIND these people!"

  I heard a weird little shriek and looked over at Jenny, who was doubled over again, covering her mouth. She seemed to be shaking.

  Oh geez, I thought. Here we go again. Then she jerked up and her eyes were bright. She was actually giggling! She bent back down, giggling some more. Her sleek little shoulders heaved and shuddered as the giggles turned to guffaws. She had her elbows on her lap, her hands over her mouth, and a lump of white tit peeked from between her forearm and bicep. Sh
e finally rolled her head back and started guffawing out loud.

  Then I started laughing, looking around at Buzz, who just sat there, glowering-smiling maliciously now. "Ya like that, hunh?"

  Jenny was roaring by now, cackling, drooling.

  "Yeah, go ahead! Real funny." He raced over and grabbed Jenny by the arms.

  Good God! I thought. What the hell have I got into now! But she was still laughing, uncontrollably, eyes closed, wrestling playfully with him. "Nah! Nah!" she protested. "bops! No, no!"

  Now he sat on the ice chest, pinned her arms behind her and wrestled her over his lap-like for a spanking. My God, what kind of freaks was I out here with? What now? Laugh along, I guess. They were both cackling now.

  She laughed as he pulled down her bikini bottom, exposing that meaty white tail I remembered so well from her divingboard show at the bar shower. Now it shivered and bounced as she kicked and squirmed.

  "Yeah! Real funny, hunh!" He raged. "Well, how's THIS?" and he smacked her ass.

  "OW!" Smack, again. "OW! Oh Buzzy, you're hurtin' me!" Smack. But she was laughing-laughing her head off, obviously digging the hell out of it. Her cheeks were red now. Her glute muscles contracted with every whack and her hands tried to reach behind her as he held her down by the neck, her streaked mane bouncing as she cackled and her head jerked around.

  A weird scene. Do I laugh along, or jump overboard and swim to something saner like a rig? I looked around for the nearest one. Then I looked back and they're smooching.

  I've heard of such things, in Penthouse Forum, and actually seen them-on Sex in the City. But this was the first live case. And I mean some serious smooching and groping. She still had her bikini bottom around her knees and Buzzy's hand was busy. I was definitely tense now, feeling damn awkward, and a little pissed. I walked to the back of the boat and took a whiz. Then I opened the cooler, grabbed one of Buzzy's O'Doul's and guzzled. "Ahhhhhh!" I gasped. Then belched gloriously, trying to remind them that I was around. But they were too engaged to hear me.