Spud

by Unknown

  06:35 Anderson told Mad Dog that he was a disgrace to the house because Emberton was a senior, a prefect and his own cousin. Our head of house then thrashed Mad Dog six strokes with his sawn-off hockey stick. We could hear the sound of it from downstairs.

  11:00 Anderson and Emberton (with red nose and swollen face) were hauled into Sparerib’s office. Boggo has it that Darryl (the one who was roughed up this morning) ran off to Sparerib’s house and said he wanted to go home like the other Darryl. He then told Sparerib about the fighting at roll call.

  11:10 Mad Dog was called in to Sparerib’s office. By this stage there was a fair-sized crowd milling around the quad outside our housemaster’s office. Julian was practically leaning against the office door pretending to be engrossed in the sports pages of the newspaper. Boggo was pacing up and down like a nervous father in a hospital waiting room desperate for the first news from inside.

  AUSCHWITZ SCORECARD

  ANDERSON Escaped with a warning

  EMBERTON De-prefected and put on final warning

  MAD DOG Put on final warning

  DARRYL Was probably given a hug and a cookie

  RAMBO Put on final warning despite not being involved

  It seems these final warnings are a serious threat. They mean that even being caught night swimming could get them expelled! Emberton looked livid after being sacked as a prefect. I overheard him saying that he was going to murder the Darryl by inserting a toilet plunger up his bum and then sucking out his insides. The Darryl spent the day crying on his bed and phoning home.

  Tuesday 6th August

  The Juniors’ dance is just over two weeks away and we have to invite a date! I became so agitated when I heard the news that I had to breathe deeply and make a list. (I only really know two girls so it turned out more like a shortlist.) Boggo and Fatty also looked a bit stressed, while Vern says he is definitely inviting Anneline Kriel. We have to send our invites in by next Monday or else we have to attend the dance alone which, according to Rambo, means you’re either ugly or a fag.

  The second Darryl has bitten the dust. For the first time this year he was all smiles as the Normal Seven helped him carry his trunk and bags down the stairs. Anderson tried to shake his hand as he was leaving but the Darryl was having none of it and stalked off towards his mom who was waiting outside Sparerib’s office. Poor Sparerib was trying to put on a good show for the Darryl’s mom but he was looking awkward and shifting his weight nervously from foot to foot. We were all hiding behind the house door trying to peep around the corner to see what was going on. Vern had pole position and was checking out the action from the crack in the door. Mad Dog chose that moment to make a deafening baboon call and pushed Vern through the door and into the main quad.

  Sparerib wasn’t impressed and called Vern over to apologize to the Darryl’s mother for behaving like an animal. Behind the house door we were cracking up at Vern who was blushing blood red and shaking hands with everyone. Vern then stood back and furiously picked his nose. Sparerib told him to get lost so he saluted the Darryl and strode past the Crazy Eight and spent the next twenty minutes staring at the house urinal and jotting down pages of notes in his pocket notebook.

  After lights out the Crazy Eight (including Roger) paid what Rambo calls a ‘hospitality visit’ to the first years. Rambo told them that now that they only have six members they can’t be called the Normal Seven anymore. Spike pointed out that the Crazy Eight only has seven members and is still called the Crazy Eight. Boggo poked Spike in the eye with a ruler and reminded him that Roger was the eighth member. Barryl then stood up and said he thought that the Normal Seven should have a new name. JR Ewing argued that the whole school knew them as the Normal Seven and if they changed their name now they they would lose their identity. Rambo glared at JR and said, ‘But you pricks have no identity. That’s the point!’ Fatty interrupted and argued that if you’re famous for being boring, you’re still famous. He filled his mouth with dried fruit and said, ‘Take Naas Botha.’ There was a lot of arguing and eventually there was a vote. Or rather two votes. Firstly, the Normal Seven all voted for their name to stay the same, except for Barryl who said he wanted a change. The Crazy Eight all voted for a new name for our first years. Since we are more senior, the Crazy Eight won the election. Within minutes our first years were rechristened the Sad Six.

  THE SAD SIX

  Spike

  Thinny

  JR Ewing

  Darryl (the last remaining)

  Runt

  Barryl (the black Darryl)

  Rambo tried to psyche up the Sad Six with a fiery speech about seizing the day and not being a bunch of girls. It didn’t seem to help because after he had finished they all got straight into bed without saying a word. As we trooped back into our dormitory after yet another boring first years hospitality visit, Fatty shook his head and looked at us sadly. ‘You know, okes, they just don’t get it. Here we are trying to open up their horizons and it’s like you’ve got to check if they’re still breathing. I mean, what thanks do we ever get?’

  Wednesday 7th August

  Sparerib called an emergency house meeting and repeated The Glock’s speech from last week’s assembly word for word. Then he announced that various boys were on final warning and that Emberton had been suspended as a prefect. (Obviously, Emberton’s sugar baron father has already been on the blower to Sparerib because earlier at lunchtime Emberton was completely de-prefected and on the verge of expulsion.)

  Between his wonky eye and his good eye Sparerib was able to glare at everyone in the common room at once. He said, ‘This house will be peaceful. This house will be under control. And most of all this house will behave! Now I’m not saying it’s all of you but there are certain bad elements in this house (lingering look at Pike) who seem hell bent on being revolutionary. (Vicious look at Rambo.) Tonight I am making it abundantly clear to those bad elements in this house who seek to undermine the good work and honest toil done by the vast majority of boys in this fine house that I will stop at nothing to hunt you down and punish you to the full extent of the law!’

  There was dead silence. Mad Dog and Rambo looked at the floor. Boggo twiddled his fingers and Vern pulled out some hair with a thunk. Sparerib glared at us for some time before marching out of the common room and slamming the door. Pike bleated loudly like a sheep but Anderson told him to shut up. Then Pike marched up to Anderson and said, ‘Kiss my balls, asslicker.’ He smirked and walked past Anderson, nudging him slightly on the way. Anderson didn’t respond and slunk up to his room looking like a man with no authority.

  Thursday 8th August

  Luthuli charged into the dormitory to tell me that he had heard from a source on the inside that De Klerk is soon to announce a new constitution that will be one man one vote. The Crazy Eight didn’t know what to make of the head boy coming in to talk politics with me like we were best buddies. Vern seemed to be very embarrassed or feeling guilty because he put his head in his locker and pretended to be looking for something until Luthuli had left. Nobody said anything to me but I could hear faint grumblings and insults from the far end of the dormitory.

  Friday 9th August

  Just had a weird meeting with Sparerib. He hauled me into his office and asked me if there was anything I knew about that he should know about. I didn’t answer and there was a nasty pause before he said, ‘John, listen to me. There’s nothing wrong with putting things right. We’ve already lost three boys this year. I need to know what’s going on in this house and more specifically in your dormitory.’ I did my best to keep my cool and avoid getting caught in the spell of Sparerib’s wonky left eye. I spoke slowly in my deepest voice. ‘No, sir, there’s nothing you should know.’ I marched out of his office feeling unbeatable, like a man who had defeated his torturers. Rambo was hanging around in the quad outside Sparerib’s office. I gave him a thumbs up but he glared at me like I’d somehow betrayed him.

  22:00 Fatty has invented a brilliant new game called Bread A
Head.

  BREAD A HEAD RULES

  The dormitory dustbin is placed on Runt’s head.

  (Runt has to be used because the dustbin perfectly fits his head.)

  Runt has to stagger about and NOT fall over.

  Each player is given a slice of bread and selects a position.

  Each player is stationary and CANNOT follow Runt.

  The aim is to land your slice of bread on the top of the bin.

  The last person to land their bread on top loses. (And his bread slice is eaten by Fatty.)

  If your bread slice falls off or misses the tin you are disqualified. (And your bread slice is eaten by Fatty.)

  The winner gets a free shot of Mellowwood brandy on Sunday at the Mad House.

  Surprisingly, Boggo won the game, although it must be said it was a clever move to jab poor Runt in the stomach with his hockey stick. Runt collapsed onto his knees because he was winded and Boggo dropped the winning slice of bread onto the bin. After the competition Fatty removed the bin from Runt’s head and the tape around his mouth. Runt burst into tears so Fatty gave him a Lunch Bar and said, ‘Well played.’

  Once Runt had gone back to bed Simon asked me why Luthuli had come by the other day. I started telling him about our AA meetings and was about to give him a crash course on South African politics when suddenly Rambo started shouting at me and telling me that my attitude sucks and that I have no guts or Crazy Eight spirit. I didn’t know what was happening. There stood Vern shining his torch on me, and the rest of the Crazy Eight had gathered around and were nodding and agreeing with Rambo! I felt the blood draining from my face. Not only did it feel like I was about to be clobbered, but it seemed that everybody was united against me!

  Rambo’s angry face was inches from mine. He said, ‘We don’t care what you do in your spare time or at your faggoty AA meetings, Spud. You think you’re this big revolutionary intellectual hotshot dude hanging around Luthuli like he’s some sort of hero.’ Rambo grabbed the torch from Vern and shone it directly in my eyes. ‘Your little secret coffee club and your up the bum meetings and lunches with The Guv – I mean is that ass creeping or what? And your cosy little meetings with Sparerib where you probably tell him about what I’m doing and show him your diary.’ I tried to tell him that I hadn’t spilled the beans to Sparerib but he hadn’t finished ranting and raving about my diary. ‘Every single day we know you write about us and you go on about how great you are and how everyone loves you and what a great actor you are. Well it’s crap – it’s all crap and we can prove it! We can prove it because we were here and we saw it with our own eyes. So write what you want but we all know you’re a phony!’

  There was dead silence. I knew everyone agreed with Rambo. I could feel the horrible atmosphere in the dormitory. It was cold. In two minutes the Crazy Eight had gone from friend to enemy. Even Vern was glaring at me with something that felt like hatred.

  I waited until Rambo released the front of my T-shirt. I felt relieved that he wasn’t going to hit me although this didn’t make up for the sudden loss of all my friends.

  I lay in bed with everything humming and spinning. When I tried to close my eyes large yellow and red shapes rose up deep in my head. There was a pain in my stomach halfway between my belly button and my chest bone. It felt like a giant octopus wrapping its tentacles around my organs and then squeezing them slowly in one long movement. I felt so homesick.

  Saturday 10th August

  Feeling crap after last night, and cross country trials made things even worse. I spent the day moping around feeling like a loser. Nobody spoke to me and I sat alone at lunch and dinner.

  Mom phoned in the afternoon to say that Dad’s driven off to the Transkei after giving her an hour’s warning. Apparently, a ship called the Oceanos sank off the Transkei coast last week and Dad and Frank have gone looking for treasure.

  Still haven’t got a date for the Juniors’ dance.

  Mental Note: Never assume you’re a nice person just because nobody’s bothered to tell you otherwise.

  Sunday 11th August

  SPUD’S BACK!

  At least I think I’m back. Rambo said that if I drink half a cup of neat Mellowwood brandy at the Mad House that would prove to the Crazy Eight that my loyalty was back and that I could be trusted again. Rambo didn’t wait for me to reply. He just started pouring. I figured this wasn’t the right time to argue so I downed the horrible liquid and then had a coughing fit.

  The brandy made me very drunk and I had to be helped down the tree by Mad Dog. Boggo fed me toothpaste so that the prefects wouldn’t smell the booze on my breath and Rambo ordered me to go to bed before supper and promised that the Crazy Eight would spread a story about me having a minor case of swamp fever.

  On the way back to school I threw up against a tree. I remember the others howling with laughter and making funny comments. While everyone headed to dinner I found myself in the phone room with the phone against my ear. I could hear ringing on the other end of the line. Then I heard Mermaid’s voice. Two minutes later I put down the phone, staggered up the stairs and fell into bed.

  I’ve got a date for the Juniors’ dance!

  Mental Note: In times of sheer horror down a cup of brandy.

  Monday 12th August

  The worst hangover ever. Good news is that the Crazy Eight is talking to me again and so far Mermaid hasn’t phoned to cancel.

  Mental Note: Never touch alcohol again.

  Wednesday 14th August

  Order has been restored to the house after a weird week. Nevertheless I’ve been keeping a low profile and have stopped writing in my diary during prep. After two days of feeling completely bulletproof I’m now terrified about seeing Mermaid on Saturday night.

  MERMAID PHOBIAS/QUESTIONS ETC

  General awkwardness.

  How do I deal with the fact that she dumped me and then ran off with a Golf driving surfer?

  Should I tell her that I’ve been stalking her since March?

  Do I have to tell her that I kissed Amanda?

  Should I use Simon’s Ego or my Mum for Men deodorant?

  I’m determined to make sure that I don’t turn into jelly and then conveniently forget that this woman dumped me on Valentine’s Day. (Or near enough.) At the very least she deserves a lecture on how depressed and hurt I was. Boggo reckons I should throw in something about trust and how the trust between us has been shattered. Then when Mermaid asks how she can make it up to me, I should pull down my pants and demand oral sex! I told Boggo I’d think about it.

  After compiling quite a few lists I wrote out my final list and stuck it to the inside of my locker.

  OBJECTIVES FOR MISSION MERMAID

  Get an explanation for Valentine’s bat.

  Establish what happened to the surfer boyfriend.

  Tell her how much she hurt me. (Tears at this point will not be frowned upon.)

  Tell her the trust is broken.

  Forgiveness. (NB This is not to be given within the first hour of her arrival.)

  Kiss (should be passionate).

  Oral sex (depending on her response to point four).

  Thursday 15th August

  The tension is mounting. I’ve fallen behind in work for all my subjects except history. I can’t concentrate for longer than about thirty seconds without thinking about Mermaid. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her up close that I struggle to imagine what her face looks like.

  CRAZY EIGHT DANCE DATES

  SIMON Vanessa Spalding (Hot)

  RAMBO Vivian Grey (Average to everyone, except Rambo)

  FATTY No date (Blind)

  SPUD Mermaid (Scorchingly hot)

  BOGGO Tanya (Alison’s fat friend – now former friend)

  ROGER Doesn’t know any female cats because he was castrated at birth.

  MAD DOG No date (Mad Dog has a life ban from all dances and socials.)

  VERN Anneline Kriel (Boggo is offering 100 million-1 odds on her actually rocking up.)

&
nbsp; Friday 16th August

  Pike, Emberton and Devries have wagered the Crazy Eight that between the three of them they could kiss at least one of our dates tomorrow night. Boggo marched up to Pike and thrust out his hand and said, ‘A hundred bucks! I bet you a hundred bucks that none of you will grab one of our dates.’ Pike’s upper lip curled upwards into a smirk as he said, ‘I certainly wouldn’t grab that humpbacked whale you’re bringing.’ Devries sniggered and elbowed Emberton in the ribs. Emberton chortled and then thrashed his sugar cane onto my locker a few times. I met his stare and eventually he backed off.

  Once the three matrics had left, Boggo told us that the hundred rand bet was on behalf of all of us. He looked at us grimly and said, ‘So you guys better keep control of your chicks or we’ll lose some serious pocket money.’

  Just another worry to add to the list.

  Saturday 17th August

  I was a nervous wreck by lunchtime. By five o’clock I was having migraines and struggling to breathe.

  A team of first years had transformed the hall from a boring old dining hall into a boring old dining hall with streamers hanging off the chandeliers. The kitchen staff had changed the tablecloths and Reverend Bishop had donated second-hand church candles for all the tables and the cloisters.

  Bad news is that Pike and Anderson have been chosen as the DJs for the party. Boggo seems very worried about this. He says it is a known fact that lifesavers, doctors and DJs get the most sex.

  19:00 I stood in the main quad watching thin fingers of mist sliding over the library roof. The cloisters were lit by flickering candles in brown bags and a crowd of terrified boys gathered around the main archway waiting for their dates to arrive. Others were leading their girls proudly (or not so proudly) across the quad in the direction of the Great Hall.

  I was too scared to wait at the front entrance with all the other boys so I pretended to be entranced by the cloister candles instead. After about a minute of entrancement I decided to be brave and wait at the school entrance. Obviously my brain and my body weren’t in agreement because I found myself walking back towards the house door instead.