Spud

by Unknown

  1991

  POSITIVES

  My marks have improved

  Nobody’s died (yet)

  Travelled overseas

  Pike’s leaving

  My balls dropped

  Sparerib has retired as housemaster

  NEGATIVES

  My good name has been ruined after being caught drinking and smoking

  Lost my singing voice and was kicked out of the choir

  Now have a dodgy friendship with Mermaid

  Mad Dog was expelled

  Julian/Luthuli leaving

  Vern has become more bizarre and tried to kill me last week

  My acting career is on the rocks after my disastrous performance as the Dove of Peace

  My (ex)housemaster hates me

  Cricket team has gone to the dogs

  With SA now returning to international sport my father may not make it to 45

  My grandmother thinks I’m a criminal

  My mother thinks I’m an alcoholic

  Clearly it hasn’t been a good year because it took ages to find the positives and the only reason I stopped writing negatives was because I ran out of flat ground to write on. I’m sure if Gecko was alive he would have added a number of things to the positives list to at least even them out with the long list of negatives. I tried to remember his face but all I could imagine was his pale hands with the nails bitten off and the pink skin around the edges of his fingers nibbled away.

  Huge black thunderclouds were building up over the Drakensberg. I remembered that Fatty said November was the worst month for killer thunderstorms so I galloped down the hill and didn’t stop until I was back in the house. For some reason I then felt much better about life and for the first time in months I was ravenously hungry.

  Fatty made us stay up until midnight listening to his humming and weird chanting. Gecko’s ghost didn’t respond.

  Wednesday 20th November

  Rambo and Boggo tied a piece of fishing line at knee height across Anderson’s doorway. Our head of house stepped out of his room just before roll call and did a spectacular cartwheel down the stairs. Boggo told Emberton that he’d seen JR Ewing messing around outside Anderson’s door and within minutes JR was beaten three with Emberton’s sugar cane.

  Friday 22nd November

  Still no news on who our next housemaster will be. Sparerib is hardly ever around the house anymore. Anderson makes up for this by being everywhere at all times.

  Saturday 23rd November

  Kings College smashed us to pieces. Not only was I hit for twenty-nine runs in a single over but we were beaten by an innings and 23 runs shortly before tea. We looked like an under 12 side – Stinky even went in to bat without his box on and was ordered off the field by The Guv who shouted, ‘I owe it to Stinky’s future wife, God bless her soul.’

  Even more embarrassing was that Amanda made a surprise appearance and stayed for the entire massacre. (This means she saw my bowling disaster and then being bowled for a duck in two separate innings.) Her hair was gleaming golden red in the sun and with her dark sunglasses and short skirt, she looked like a movie star. Like Julia Roberts in fact.

  I skipped lunch and sat with Amanda under a large jacaranda tree. She casually told me that she’d broken up with her boyfriend and then just as casually asked me to go away with her and her friends to Leisure Bay in December. I remember making a Dad-like whistling sound and then stumbled quite badly over my words. Amanda laughed huskily and said, ‘I’m not asking you to marry me, you moron. It’s just a weekend down the coast.’ I tried my best to act cool so I said, ‘That will be cool.’ Amanda arched her left eyebrow and asked, ‘You’re not still pining after that bimbo, what’s her name again… Whale Girl or something?’

  ‘Mermaid,’ I corrected her.

  ‘Whatever,’ she replied.

  ‘Of course not,’ I lied.

  Counting down the days until the end of term. I’ve decided to stop pining for the Mermaid. Not only is it driving me crazy but even if I do miraculously get her back she’s only going to give me bat for a blonde surfer with big biceps eventually.

  Besides, she wants to be friends anyway.

  I didn’t get a chance to chat to Amanda after the game because The Guv was in a mad rush to get to the bottle-store before 5pm.

  Sunday 24th November

  Luthuli interrupted our last minute cramming for exams to say that he was leaving. It took me a moment to realize that he meant that he was leaving the school forever. He shook all our hands and wished us well for the future. I wish I had been brave enough to tell him how much he inspired me to be a Freedom Fighter and how much I respected him, but the others were watching and I couldn’t find the right words so all I ended up saying was, ‘Bye.’

  And then as quickly as he had arrived, Luthuli was gone and everything felt slightly unreal for the rest of the day.

  Monday 25th November

  Freddy Mercury died yesterday of AIDS.

  There was mourning in the common room. Pike and Anderson were both in tears while Death Breath was blasting Who Wants to Live Forever from the huge hi-fi in his room.

  Upstairs Emberton, Rambo, Boggo and Fatty were having an argument about AIDS. Fatty said it was going to become like the black plague that wipes out half the world’s population. Rambo said it was just a homo disease and that this meant Simon probably wouldn’t survive until matric. Emberton snorted with laughter and thrashed his sugar cane into Boggo’s locker. He then told us that AIDS stood for Arse Injected Death Sentence but nobody believed him.

  15:00 The entire school is bizarrely quiet except for the music of Queen which was blaring from all over. I could hear sobbing from outside Death Breath’s room as he blasted repeated versions of The Show Must Go On…

  Looks like the Dying Season has struck once again.

  Thursday 28th November

  Exams end!!! (Scholarship should be safe for another year.)

  Friday 29th November

  It came in a red envelope.

  Dear Johnny

  Thanks 4 the letter. Sorry I haven’t replied faster but have been caught up with exams and needed to think about stuff. I’m sorry if I gave you the idea that I only wanted to be friends with you. I thought you didn’t want to be together with me after what happened before. I also felt like you didn’t trust me and were keeping me at arm’s length because you just wanted to be friends.

  I just want you to know that I would love to be your girlfriend again. I’ve been counting down the days until you get home – by the time you get this it will be only a week to go.

  Love

  Mermaid

  Ps Please come away with us to Sodwana. It’s on the North Coast. My dad isn’t coming so there shouldn’t be any fighting this time.

  Pps I’m so excited.

  Yay!

  Ppps I can’t write poems like you so this is my poem for you…

  Inside the envelope was a blank tape. I borrowed/stole Boggo’s old radio/tapedeck and headed for the dam, unsure of what was about to be revealed. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know. All I remember was running very fast and not blinking much. I found a secluded spot and pressed Play.

  There was one song on it. Eternal Flame.

  Whoever is writing the script for my life must be a depraved and sadistic swine. I think Depeche Mode hit the nail on the head when they sang:

  ‘I think that God’s got a sick sense of humour and when I die I expect to find him laughing!’

  Mental Note: If two beautiful women come into your life you can bet your dog it will be at exactly the same time.

  Saturday 30th November

  FINAL MATCH AGAINST ST JULIUS

  Play was delayed because a lime green station wagon slid down the bank and onto the cricket field. The idiotic driver (who shall never be named) was trying to park his vehicle under the shade of a small tree and reversed over the edge, slid down a seven metre muddy bank and ended up on the square leg boundary. The deranged driver (wit
h his equally deranged wife shouting and waving her arms about) then made another three attempts at driving up the bank, all of which resulted in another dramatic slide back down the slope and onto the field. The grass on the bank was ruined with ugly tyre marks and the gathered crowd of about forty people laughed and cheered along with each disastrous attempt. Eventually it took the whole team and the school tractor to haul the station wagon up the slope to safety. The deranged driver then kicked the car several times, smashing out a tail light in the process.

  We won by five wickets. The Guv told us that we’d covered ourselves in glory and said apart from the fourth term meltdown it had been a splendid season all round. He then told us that he’d lost all his mirth and headed off to drink with the crazy people in the lime green station wagon.

  Sunday 1st December

  Spent the afternoon under the pine trees discussing my love life with the rest of the Crazy Eight.

  ADVICE FROM CRAZY EIGHT

  RAMBO Bonk them both

  BOGGO Choose Amanda and leave Mermaid to him. Option B, organize and film a threesome

  FATTY Choose Mermaid. Fatty says he’s scared of Amanda

  VERN Mermaid

  SIMON Cheat on them both

  ROGER Amanda (Vern translated)

  Simon and Rambo reckon I’ll get away with having two girlfriends. Boggo said I had to choose one because the truth will always out. I thought about making a pros and cons list but I made that list with Gecko last year and Amanda won.

  ‘I think I’ll have to think it out again…’

  Had our final AA meeting of the year. It all felt a bit weird without Linton Austin and Luthuli. Thankfully Lennox put on a video about Sir Ernest Shackleton’s assault on the South Pole and nobody had to say anything about politics. It was also a relief not having to take notes and read out the minutes. Next year I won’t be secretary again.

  Tuesday 3rd December

  The matrics performed their traditional haka in the main quad after their final exam. Afterwards the house gathered to say goodbye (and good riddance) to the class of 1991. Emberton tried to break my wrist when he shook my hand. Anderson didn’t look any of the Crazy Eight in the eyes and Death Breath is still looking terribly grief stricken about Freddie M even though it’s been over a week since the news.

  When Pike shook my hand he said rather ominously, ‘Ciao, Milton, see you in six weeks.’ I asked him if he was coming back for post-matric but he just grinned and refused to answer. No doubt a final attempt to ruin my holiday.

  Anderson is staying on until Friday to keep discipline in the house. The third years are suddenly all racing around looking powerful and important. Rambo reckons they’re all making a last ditch attempt at pushing for prefect.

  17:00 I was setting off along the cloisters to fetch my trunk from the store room when I noticed Sparerib carrying a huge pile of papers and stationery from his office. I lagged back so that I wouldn’t have to speak to him but he then dropped half his stuff all over the cloisters and in the gutter. The wind was blowing the papers everywhere and I felt obliged to help him out. I knelt down to pick up some textbooks and met Sparerib’s face eye to wonky eye just as he pounced on some flapping papers. He suddenly seemed to me to be a different human being. Like he was twenty years older. He was pale and sickly and sad – but I mean really sad like it was impossible that there was anything that could cheer him up ever again. He said, ‘Thanks, John, let’s take them back to the office. I’ll bring my wheelbarrow when the wind dies down.’ I headed back into his office and dumped the stuff on the floor near the cupboard where he keeps his canes.

  Sparerib placed the rest of the papers and books on his desk and continued looking away from me and out the window which looks onto his house. Suddenly I realized that his shoulders were shaking and then a low moaning sound escaped from his lips like an animal in pain. I didn’t know what to do so I started a very steady reverse creep back towards the office door. I was just centimetres away from freedom when the wind slammed the door shut with a huge bang. Sparerib turned round and his eyes were red and stained with tears. ‘John,’ he said in a broken voice, ‘what… what should I do?’

  Here was my housemaster with tears running down his cheeks asking a rather small and insignificant second year what he should do. I didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t use my old trick of shaking my head sadly and looking out the window because Sparerib was staring at me with tears streaming out of his wonky eye, demanding an answer to what seemed like quite a serious question. Thankfully he spoke again because so far I hadn’t come up with anything helpful. He said, ‘What do you do when you’re a small wooden raft surrounded by a… a seething sea of complete madness?’

  He seemed to be asking this question more of himself than of me. But I felt like I finally had the answer to his question. I cleared my throat and said, ‘You keep a diary, sir.’

  Sparerib glared at me like he was about to start shouting but then his face seemed to almost shatter into a smile. He started laughing loudly, although tears were still streaming down his face. It seemed unnatural for Sparerib to laugh. It made you think that he might be on the verge of a sudden seizure.

  But his laughter died as quickly as it had begun and his face returned to looking desperately sad again. He studied me for some time before saying, ‘Thank you, Milton.’ He then dismissed me with a very formal nod.

  I left my housemaster’s office for the last time and realized that I didn’t hate Sparerib anymore. Perhaps it’s because for the first time he didn’t seem to hate me. Maybe it’s just that I feel sorry for him now. This doesn’t mean that I necessarily like him… We’ll call it a truce.

  Wednesday 4th December

  Dear Mermaid

  I can’t wait to see you too and I’m thrilled that you are my girlfriend again. And yes I would love to go to Sodwana with your family. It may just save me from another nasty family reunion in Namibia. I can’t wait to see you and miss you lots.

  Love

  John

  Ps I am going to Leisure Bay with some school friends for a boys’ only weekend next weekend.

  My hands shook as I posted the letter. I get the feeling that I may one day regret writing that PS.

  QUESTIONS

  What am I doing?

  Does this mean I have two girlfriends?

  Where the hell is Gecko!

  Thursday 5th December

  22:30 There was a loud scream from the first year dormitory followed by a thump and then silence. Then I could hear footsteps in the doorway and then the creak of floorboards. Somebody or Something was approaching. Rambo leapt on the intruder and tried to wrestle him to the ground. In the end the intruder wrestled Rambo to the ground and then growled like an animal. Vern’s torch illuminated a figure dressed in black with a balaclava pulled down over his face. There was a loud swoosh and suddenly a hunting and filleting knife was gleaming in the torchlight and an old friend’s face was revealed.

  Mad Dog was back!

  There was chaos when it was discovered that the Dog had appeared out of nowhere. After massive hugs and a long and vicious session of backslapping, Mad Dog said, ‘Jeez, okes, I spent two years thinking about how to break out of this place and now I’m breaking in.’ Mad Dog told us he had caught the bus to Mooi River and hiked the rest of the way. His folks think he’s visiting a friend in Pinetown.

  I knew I should have refused to go but with Mad Dog having travelled over a thousand kilometres to join us on a final night swim, pulling out would have been impossible. Vern conducted a thorough search for Anderson and discovered that he was at the Leavers’ party in Pietermaritzburg. Rambo gave us the all-clear and we all filed into the first year dormitory.

  Mad Dog was amazed that the final Darryl was still at school and congratulated him for showing courage and sticking it out. He then dangled the poor slave out the window until he’d wet his pyjamas.

  Once in the chapel I started getting flashbacks to the Mad House night. It seemed
like it had happened so long ago. In fact with Mad Dog around it felt like the night had never really happened at all.

  Mad Dog led the charge across the field and vaulted the fence. He smashed his way through the bush and long grass before leaping into the dam with a gigantic splash. Boggo told Mad Dog to keep the noise down. Mad Dog started climbing the big tree and shouted, ‘What they gonna do, Boggo – expel me again?’ He then threw himself off the branch and his powerful body swooped through the air like a giant bat before gracefully arching itself into a slow backwards flip and crashing into the dark water below.

  Rambo made us all jump off the high branch as a final salute to Mad Dog. Climbing up a tree in the darkness is no easy feat and this time there were no nails and planks to help us up. Vern reached the branch but then got scared about jumping off and started reversing along it back towards the trunk of the tree. He was muttering loudly to himself when suddenly there was a snap followed by a screech. Vern hit the ground and rolled down the bank and into the water. Rambo pulled him out the water with one hand and plonked him down on the bank. Vern gave us all a thumbs up before having a nasty coughing fit. Miraculously, the only injury he had was a bitten tongue.

  Once everyone had swum out to the middle and back, jumped out the tree and had been dunked at least twice, it was decided that it was time to head back to school. Mad Dog said goodbye to everyone and said he was leaving. ‘Where you sleeping?’ asked Boggo. Mad Dog pointed in the direction of the forest and said, ‘Where do you think?’ Vern (who had spent the entire night swim with his tongue sticking out) started sniffing and rubbing his eyes. Fatty shook Mad Dog’s hand and asked, ‘Why did you come back?’ Mad Dog shrugged and said, ‘For this.’