The Accidental Honeymoon

by Portia MacIntosh

  I suddenly sense something blocking the sun from my face – surely the clouds haven’t come out? Typical the weather should take a turn the second I admit it’s making me happy.

  ‘Hello, stranger,’ I hear a vaguely familiar voice say.

  I open my eyes, squinting as the sun beams brightly behind the person standing in front of me, framing their body with an angelic glow.

  ‘Howard,’ I squeak, jumping up to hug him. ‘What are you doing here? I thought you moved away.’

  ‘You think I’d miss Dougie and Fliss’s wedding?’ he laughs, squeezing me tightly.

  The four of us were in the same year together at school, and were pretty much inseparable until the end of sixth form. We sat together in lessons, ate lunch together – we even went on double dates. The only difference is, at the end of sixth form, Dougie and Fliss stayed together, whereas I finished with Howard because I thought I was going to move to Hollywood, become a famous actress and marry Zac Efron.

  Howard was always the model boyfriend. He was kind, caring, sweet and funny – not to mention the hottest guy in our year. He doesn’t look much different now, just more grown-up. Peering into his brown eyes, they look no different – except now they have a few laugh lines sprouting around them. His short brown hair is styled into exactly the same messy spikes it was at school. I remember the distinctive smell of his hair-styling wax and wonder if he still uses the same one. I remember him being taller, but that might have something to do with the high heels I’m wearing today.

  The most familiar thing of all, though, is the feeling of his arms enveloping me. It doesn’t matter whether I’ve got two thousand words to write on globalisation or a sham engagement to keep up, I feel comforted.

  ‘So, you sticking around for long?’ he asks.

  ‘Just until after the wedding,’ I tell him. ‘You?’

  ‘I’m living here, looking after my dad. He was doing some DIY, fell off the ladder and broke his leg.’

  ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry,’ I tell him. Suddenly all the pieces fall into place. ‘You’re Dougie’s best man. Of course you are.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he laughs awkwardly. ‘Did no one tell you?’

  ‘They didn’t,’ I reply, glancing towards the house just in time to catch a telling twitch of the living-room curtains. It’s probably my mum, just like the good old days.

  Howard notices, too.

  ‘Your mum doesn’t change, does she?’ he laughs.

  ‘If anything, she gets worse,’ I reply.

  ‘Come with me,’ Howard says, grabbing my hand, pulling me along with him as he hurriedly heads for his back garden. ‘This tree house served us well when we were younger,’ he laughs, nudging me towards the ladder.

  ‘You serious?’ I laugh.

  Howard nods.

  When we were young, we spent so much time in this tree house. Sometimes it was the only way to get any privacy – not because we were up to anything dodgy, but because my mum has always been a meddler. That’s why Olly and I have always called her Nosey Parker behind her back.

  The inside of the tree house hasn’t changed a bit. Howard’s dad is a builder, so he knocked this thing together more than twenty years ago and it’s still as strong as the day it was built. It’s still furnished the same inside, too, with the same rug and cushions – what was I expecting, reclining chairs and a Netflix-enabled TV?

  Up here, away from watchful eyes scrutinising my every dishonest move, I finally exhale and relax.

  ‘It’s weird, isn’t it?’ I say after we’ve been sitting in silence for a few seconds. ‘Being back, I mean. It’s just… weird.’

  ‘I know what you mean,’ he replies. ‘Like everything was so long ago, and like you never left.’

  I pull a thoughtful face. He’s right.

  ‘So, you’re going home after the wedding? Back to LA?’ he asks.

  ‘Yeah, well, my fiancé needs to get back to work, and I’ve got some stuff that needs taking care of,’ I say vaguely. Well, I can’t exactly tell him I’m heading back to get my drunken mistake of a marriage annulled, can I?

  ‘I was hoping we could go for a drink,’ he says. ‘Have a proper catch-up. But I know how much pre-wedding stuff is going on. Unless you’re free tonight?’

  ‘I already said I’d go for a catch-up with Kaz and Sue tonight,’ I say, kind of disappointed. Being here in this tree house with Howard, the old feelings are ever so slowly creeping back. It’s probably for the best we won’t get to spend time alone together.

  ‘Still with the same guy?’ Howard asks casually. ‘The piano player?’

  ‘Still with him,’ I reply, holding up my left hand and giving it a wiggle, single ladies’ style.

  ‘When you left me, I have to admit it was hard. I was young, I thought we’d be together for ever,’ he admits. ‘But it makes me happy to see you’ve found someone who makes you happy.’

  I thought we’d be together for ever, too. Ever since I moved away, it has crossed my mind from time to time that turning my back on my relationship with Howard in favour of furthering my acting career might have been a mistake.

  I smile. Howard and John are the only two proper boyfriends I’ve ever had, and now serve as living proof I don’t know which ones to hang on to and which ones to run a mile from.

  ‘So, how long will you be living here?’ I ask, changing the subject.

  I notice Howard’s face fall as his mood visibly shifts.

  ‘Indefinitely,’ he says softly. ‘So, you know I was engaged to a girl called Louise? I got together with her a year or so after you left. She was my second real girlfriend – only one since. She was the reason I moved to Edinburgh, because she got a job there. Anyway, we bought a house, got engaged… and then I found out she was cheating on me.’

  ‘Oh my God, Howard, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ he says. ‘Obviously it’s a bit tough being around all the wedding stuff.’

  Completely understandable; that’s exactly how I feel. All things wedding are just serving as a constant reminder that mine isn’t going to happen now. My heart is absolutely breaking for him.

  ‘Come out with us tonight,’ I insist. ‘It’s only Kaz and Sue – when was the last time you saw them?’

  ‘It has been a while,’ he replies.

  Kaz and Sue were also in our friendship circle at school. Howard used to say they were my minions.

  ‘Come on, we can catch up, take your mind off wedding stuff and have a laugh – it’ll be fun.’

  ‘OK, sure, that would be great,’ he says, clapping his hands enthusiastically. ‘You sure your fella won’t mind?’

  I can confidently say he won’t mind at all. In fact, he’ll probably appreciate the break from me. Even so, I probably won’t mention that Howard is coming. He knows I’m going on a girly night out, so probably best I leave it at that.

  Chapter Seventeen

  After squeezing into one of my wildly inappropriate dresses, curling ‘my’ long blonde hair and caking myself in make-up, I am ready to go to the pub.

  Getting ready in my childhood bedroom, my minions messaging me to find out how long I’ll be and what I’m wearing, and even the butterflies in my stomach over seeing Howard are all such familiar feelings, taking me right back to being a teenager.

  Walking down the stairs, I consider whether or not I actually need to go into the lounge and say goodbye. I suppose I should. It might seem weird, not saying goodbye to my fiancé.

  I peep my head through the door to see my mum, sitting in her chair reading a magazine, and my dad and Jack on the sofa, their eyes glued to the screen. Of course they’re watching Countdown. Lucky for Jack, my dad was out when it was on TV earlier, so now he gets to enjoy it, too.

  ‘Ooh, come on in, let’s have a look at you,’ my mum insists.

  I walk in and give my mother an obliging twirl.

  ‘Wow,’ Jack blurts. ‘You look amazing.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I tell him.


  Obviously, I’m not thanking him for the fake compliment. I’m thanking him for actually thinking to give me a fake compliment.

  ‘So, what’s going on?’ I ask.

  ‘Your dad and I just got aroused,’ Jack informs me, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

  ‘You got… what?’

  ‘Aroused,’ Jack tells me, saying the word ever so slowly. ‘A-R-O-U-S-E-D. That’s seven letters.’

  ‘Susie didn’t get it,’ my dad adds proudly.

  Oh, he means on Countdown. That’s much less weird. I have no idea who Susie is, but I’m to assume this is a good thing.

  ‘You sure you don’t want to introduce me to your friends?’ Jack asks.

  ‘It’ll just be boring girl talk all night,’ I lie. ‘You can meet them properly at the wedding.’

  I feel bad, lying to Jack, but first of all, he’s not really my fiancé, and second, I want to spend some time with Howard.

  ‘OK,’ he says, easy-going as ever. ‘Well, Olly and Dougie are coming over to hang out, and Dougie is bringing his playing cards.’

  ‘Don’t play for money,’ I warn him firmly, much to my mum and dad’s confusion. ‘I mean, we’ve got a wedding to pay for.’

  I laugh lightly to soften the mood.

  ‘Glad we’re not paying for it,’ my dad says under his breath. ‘Cost a bloody fortune these days.’

  ‘Anyway,’ I beam brightly. ‘I’d better be off. Just going to the local.’

  ‘OK, have fun, my love,’ my mum says. ‘Say bye, Paul.’

  ‘Bye, Paul,’ my dad jokes.

  ‘Miss you already, beautiful,’ Jack calls after me as I leave.

  Howard is waiting for me at the bottom of the drive. As I walk towards him I glance back at the house. Luckily the blinds are closed. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong really, it’s just easier not to mention I’m going out with my ex.

  ‘Georgie, you look incredible,’ he says as I approach him. ‘Just… wow. I meant to tell you earlier. You’re looking really good. Very LA glamorous.’

  I feel myself blush.

  ‘Thank you,’ I reply, taking his arm. ‘Come on, let’s go.’

  The local is very local indeed – less than ten minutes’ walk from my house.

  ‘Oh, Sue just messaged me, she says they’ll meet us inside,’ I inform Howard. ‘I told them you were coming, and they’re excited about seeing you.’

  My old friends are acting like Howard and I are rockstars, because we were two of a very small number of people born in this town to actually grow up and move away. Although, I suppose Howard is back now, and I might be, too, pretty soon. It’s like no one can ever truly leave. We’re all doomed to live out our days here, like there’s some kind of curse on us.

  As we approach the Royal Oak, I hover for a second, trying to psych myself up to walk through the doors. I haven’t been here for a drink since I was eighteen, but it doesn’t seem to have changed a bit. As pubs go in this town, it’s not so bad. It’s been modernised in an attempt to appeal to the younger townsfolk, but it’s a far cry from a cocktail bar, where I’d much rather be. If I move back home, this will be my life. Working some boring job, coming here for a drink every night just to break the monotony of it all.

  I place a shaky hand on the door and prepare to make my entrance.

  ‘You OK?’ Howard asks me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

  ‘Yeah, sorry,’ I laugh. ‘It’s just weird to be back.’

  It’s busy inside – very busy. Busier than it used to be, so I suppose modernising works. It might look different, but it still feels like the same place to me. The atmosphere feels the same, the floor still feels sticky, and the way it smells is exactly the way I remember it smelling. Just that unique blend of beer and fried food that it’s always smelled of.

  ‘I’ll go grab us a drink,’ Howard says. ‘Usual?’

  I laugh.

  ‘Yes, thank you.’

  I push my way through the crowd until I hear a familiar voice.

  ‘Yo, Gigi.’ It’s Kaz, who I eventually spot sitting with Sue at a table by the window.

  ‘Hello, girls,’ I say, taking a seat on one of the strange school-dinner-style benches they have instead of chairs.

  ‘Whoa, stand the fuck back up,’ Kaz demands. I do as she says immediately, without giving it much thought. She’s always had a very intimidating way of talking, even though she doesn’t intend to. I think it’s just because she’s loud, with a strong Lancashire accent.

  ‘Look at those flashy shoes,’ she says, nudging Sue to have a look.

  Sue looks me up and down as instructed, while I stand there like a mannequin.

  ‘Very nice,’ Sue tells me. ‘They look expensive.’

  They’re definitely not.

  ‘Rich fiancé,’ Kaz reminds her, in a very matter-of-fact way.

  Sue has a look in her eye – a look that tells me she’s about to erupt with questions about John/Jack and I’m really not ready for that.

  ‘I’m just going to grab a drink,’ I tell her, shutting her down before she can get started. All this is going to do is buy me a little time, but at least I’ll have a drink in my hand.

  I get to the bar, just as Howard is turning around with two pints of Snakebite in his hands.

  ‘Oh wow,’ I say. ‘You really did get me my old usual.’

  ‘When was the last time you had one of these?’ Howard asks, handing one of the deep-purple pints over to me.

  I sip it, and scrunch my face up at the taste. It’s horrible. I’m not even sure I liked it back then, to be honest. I think I just wanted to seem cool.

  ‘Probably the last time you bought me one,’ I laugh.

  ‘I’ll get you a Kapop next time,’ he laughs. ‘A sugary, watermelon-flavoured, vodka-based alcopop will take the taste away. Kaz and Sue driving you mad already?’

  ‘How can you tell?’ I ask.

  ‘Come on, I could always tell.’

  As I head back over to their table, I feel strengthened by my former partner in crime.

  ‘I just get so sick of people walking up to me and asking me if I work there,’ I overhear Kaz say.

  ‘But you do work there,’ Sue reminds her. ‘It’s kind of your job to help customers.’

  ‘All right, H,’ Kaz says, raising her pint at him.

  ‘Hello, ladies,’ he replies. ‘Been a long time.’

  ‘We heard you’d been back a while,’ Sue says, her straw in her mouth as she speaks between sips. ‘Half expected to see you in here.’

  ‘I’ve been looking after my dad, he’s got a broken leg,’ Howard tells them, as though they didn’t know. Everyone knows everything about everyone in this town. ‘He’s managing a bit better now, though, which is just in time for me to participate in all the fun wedding activities.’

  I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or polite, but the activities will most certainly not be fun.

  ‘I was just telling Sue about this difficult customer I had today,’ Kaz fills us in, before getting back on with her story. ‘We get some right fucking customers at Poundville.’

  My super-foulmouthed friend started working at Poundville after she finished school. Kaz might complain about it, but I think she does enjoy working there. That said, her customer-service skills have always left a lot to be desired.

  ‘This short little ginger woman, probably in her fifties,’ Kaz explains. ‘She’d already pushed past me to grab a multipack of crisps. Anyway, I didn’t say anything, I just gave her a little Brightside Park sign language.’

  Kaz makes a fist and moves her wrist from side to side, to show us just what she means.

  You could be forgiven for thinking Brightside Park was a beautiful place, but it’s actually one of the roughest council estates in the area. This pub actually marks the point one should not pass, as far as my mother is concerned, because a minute down the road and you’re in Brightside.

  Both Kaz and Sue are from the Brightside Park es
tate. I met them when we started at secondary school, unlike Fliss, Dougie and Howard, who have been in my friendship circle pretty much since we were born. Obviously, with Fliss being my cousin and Howard being my next-door neighbour, they’ve been around for my entire life. I remember when we were in reception, Howard told me every day he was going to marry me one day – how cute is that?

  It wasn’t that my mum didn’t like them. She knew they were lovely girls and that they were good friends to me, but she would never let me go to their houses for tea. It drove me crazy at the time but I know she was only looking out for me. As I got older she relaxed a little, but I would still have to pretend I was going to sleepovers when I was actually going to house parties.

  ‘So, I’m working on the tills by the time this ginger woman has finished her shopping, and as I’m scanning her items I realise she’s got six mini cans of Sprite, and they’re seven for £1. So I go to her, “Love, we’ve got deals on, you should have picked seven up,” and she goes to me, “But I like Sprite.”’ Kaz laughs wildly. ‘The stupid cow only thought I was saying 7-Up.’

  I can’t help but laugh.

  ‘Anyway, I’m training to be a beauty therapist now,’ she announces. ‘Gi, if I could do some treatments on you, that’d be great. Plus, I mean, eyebrows are in fashion, but less is more, y’know?’

  I smooth one of my eyebrows self-consciously with my fingertips.

  When we were at school, and Christina Aguilera barely-there eyebrows were the height of fashion, Kaz shaved hers off and started drawing them on. Not much has changed over the years, other than she’s having to go a little harder with the pencil now bigger brows are on trend.

  I don’t know if it’s the drawn-on eyebrows, the sharply winged eyeliner or the fact her black hair is pulled into such a tight ponytail, but Kaz has such sharp facial features. Sue, on the other hand, is Kaz’s polar opposite. Whereas Kaz is tall, dark-haired and skinny, Sue is short and chubby with honey-blonde hair. She’s got that cuddly, mumsy look about her – probably because she’s a mum.

  Sue is another one who’s still with her secondary-school boyfriend, which is kind of sweet really. She and Rob have two kids – a six-year-old boy and an eight-year-old girl… I think. I have no idea what their names are and not because I haven’t been told, I just always forget. I seem to remember finding them funny when I heard them, though.