One Swinging Summer

by Hellsmith, Patience

  "What? What happened?" I asked, starting to relax, he was alive, he sounded good. Surely all my worrying and dread was for nothing.

  "I was literally walking out the door when my house phone rang. I stood in the doorway for a second, keys in hand, trying to decide if I should bother answering it or not. No one calls that line. Something made me pick it up though, and I am so glad I did. It was my ex-girlfriend Tammy."

  And there it went, my heart dropped into my stomach even as my brain tried in vain to see how this was a good thing.

  "You're glad you answered it? What did she say? No one is ever glad they answered a call from an ex."

  "Yeah, but it explained so much. We talked for three hours. I was irritated at first, that I stopped what I was doing and it was her on the other line. I was a bit rude at the beginning, but I guess she expected that. She said she was calling to explain and apologize." He was speaking fast, excited.

  "OK, hang on," I gamely tried to keep up. "Who is she? You said you hadn't dated in a long time, and you've never mentioned her. Back up and start from the beginning."

  As he started to tell me the story, I leaned my back against the wall in front of the club, and let my knees give. I slid down the wall, sitting with my knees hugged to my chest, and tried to feel happy for him.

  "She used to live here, with me. I still have a bunch of her stuff, up in the attic. She didn't have my cell number, because I changed it after her, but she remembered our land-line number, it's been the same for years. We lived together for about four years, and broke up about three years ago, and I hadn't heard anything from her since then.

  And, well, to make a long story short, one day she just left. She said she was done. No explanations, she packed some of her stuff, and left. I waited to hear from her, I called her, I left her stuff where she had left it for a long time. One day a few months later, I came home from work after a particularly bad day and saw all of her stuff just laying around. So I scooped it all up, dumped it in the attic, and shut the door."

  "Wow." What more could I say?

  "When she called, she apologized right off the bat. So, I sat down on the couch and heard her out. It was stupid stuff, we had been fighting, I had been acting jealous, she left for the weekend, really. But she said that every time she tried to come back, early on obviously, she just couldn't. She wasn't ready. She didn't know what to say, how to explain, so she didn't. And then a week passed, then a month, and then it was just too late. You can't come back from that.

  Talking to her brought back so much, and since so much time had passed I was able to ask her questions, calmly. And she answered them, calmly and honestly, and before I knew it, three hours had passed."

  "Wow," I said again. "That was weird. Are you coming here now? You can tell me more, and have a drink, blow off some steam."

  "No, I don't think so. I think I am just going to skip it tonight. I have a lot to think about, it hasn't all sunk in yet."

  "So you aren't coming?"

  "No, I'm not up for it tonight, tell everyone I'll catch them next week."

  "OK, will I see you tomorrow?" I asked trying not to whine 'but, what about me?'

  The line was silent. OK, now the shock was beginning to wear off, and I was starting to get pissed. Are you kidding me? I get blown off after a phone call?

  "She asked me to meet her for lunch tomorrow." He said quietly.

  "And you're going?"

  "I don't know. I told her I have to think about it."

  "Do you? Do you really have to think about it?"

  "What do you mean?" He asked.

  "I mean, your live-in girlfriend walks out on you, disappears for years. You have moved on, you have a life now. She calls you up out of the blue and that's it? You're blowing off everyone else? You really have to think about whether you want to see her?"

  Silence. Oh, God.

  "Would you go back to her?"

  More silence.

  "I don't know. I don't think so, but..."

  "But what?" I interrupted. "This is insane. Are you telling me that you are dumping me for the possibility of your ex?"

  "Well, no, not really, I was hoping you would understand, maybe give me some space, you know, to see her, and to decide..." He was rambling, and I was seeing red.

  "To decide? Oh, hell no. You were hoping I would wait around to see if I got picked? Are you fucking serious? Look, I get that it was weird. If it was me, if my ex had called, OK maybe we talked for three hours, sorted through some stuff, explained a few things. I'd get off the phone and come meet you. I would tell you about the weird experience I had just had, and how it threw me for a loop, but it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't change the fact that I was dating you now, and that he lost his chance. I wouldn't blow you off..."

  "I'm not blowing you off..." It was his turn to interrupt.

  "That's true, cause blowing me off would take guts. Blowing me off would consist of you saying you wanted to end this, cause your ex is back sniffing around. No, you don't have the balls to make a decision, to take a stand. Instead you want me to go wait in a corner with my tail between my legs while you weigh your options.

  Hmm, should I pick the ex who just showed back up and wants me again, or should I pick this new one, who didn't drag my heart through a blender and eat it for dinner three fucking years ago. Hmm, look at them both, waiting, hoping, wondering who I am going to pick, oh the ego boost.

  This isn't The fucking Bachelor, sweetheart, I am not willing to wait around and see if you give me the rose. If you are not sure, absolutely sure, that I am the one you want to have lunch with tomorrow, then I don't want you."

  "Wait, I just meant..."

  "I know what you meant. I am no one's second choice."

  "You're not my second choice, hang on a minute, this went all wrong."

  "OK, then answer this, after these last few weeks with me, and knowing what she put you through, who are you going to lunch with tomorrow?"

  Again with the silence.

  "Yeah, that is what I thought. Well, no need to make a decision, you are free to have lunch with anyone you want tomorrow. I don't ask a whole lot at the beginning of a relationship that may or may not turn out to be anything more than a fun fling, but I do know one thing- If I am not the one you want to be spending time with, then don't. See, decision made, and it wasn't that damn hard. See you around, and do me a favor- don't call me."

  I hung up. I was so pissed I was shaking. The nerve, thinking I'd just sit prettily on his shelf until he decided whether or not to play with me again. As if. Damn it. OK, now what? I need a drink. There is no way I am just going to climb into my car and go home, this was my bar before him, and it will be my bar after him. I don't need him to have fun. Three weeks. Oh well, I knew the dangers going in. Men are so fucking stupid, I thought as I went back inside.

  Once inside, I took a deep breath and looked around. I went to Lana's bar, got a drink and walked around. Might as well get Mark and Maria's table over with first. I slid over to their table and said, "Well, I just talked to Caleb, he isn't coming tonight, we are on our own."

  "What happened?" Maria asked, as everyone else listened.

  'Do not bad mouth him to his friends,' I thought. 'You are angry, but this is not the time to say "What happened is that he's an asshole." No, these things happen, be classy, you will want to say hi to these people on other weekends.'

  So, I just said, "He got an interesting phone call tonight, and said something came up. I'm sure he will fill everyone in later."

  "That's a shame, we will just have to carry on without him," was the general response.

  I stayed with them for a while, and then decided to walk around and see who else was here. I circled the bar, danced a few dances, but my heart wasn't in it. I ended up hanging out with Kate and Michael and their group.

  "So, how was naughty school girl night?" I asked Kate discreetly.

  "It was fun, that's one of my favorite outfits."

  "What els
e do they have?"

  "They don't have anything specific most nights, usually once a month or so. Tonight isn't anything. Next weekend either. I think the one after that is 'black and white nighties' or something."

  "That's my birthday weekend, how funny."

  "Oh you should totally come with us. Bring Caleb if you don't want to go alone. Although, you wouldn't be alone anyway, we would be there. Where is Caleb, I haven't seen him today."

  "We just broke up, like maybe an hour ago. An ex reappeared in his life, she wants to meet for lunch. I wouldn't have minded if he didn't seem so freaking happy about it, you know? If he had said, 'It was an odd situation, I'd like to tie up some loose ends, do you mind?' But no, he was wanting space to decide which of us he would be interested in from here on out. So, I made his decision easy for him and removed myself from consideration."

  "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. He seemed like a lot of fun."

  "That he was, right up until he wasn't. Oh, well."

  I stayed with them until they left a little after midnight. I let them walk me to my car, and went home. It wasn't until I let myself in and caught sight of my reflection in my hall mirror that I realized I had been crying.

  CHAPTER 16

  STAGES

  I dragged myself through work on Saturday. I was tempted to stay home in my Pj's all day, on the couch, watching Lifetime, but I didn't. I didn't want to give a man that much control. There isn't much in life that is under our control, but I've always believed that the one thing I could control was my reaction to a situation. And I was determined to react like a rational grown-up in the face of a break-up by putting on my big girl panties and going to work like a productive member of society. That and I needed to pad my check, all that lounging around being catered-to was costing me income.

  Thinking about big girl panties made me think of Caleb. Thinking about staying home on the couch on a Saturday also made me think of Caleb. The fact that my brain insisted on bringing Caleb up all the time depressed me. I tried to tell myself that I should be happy to be depressed. That meant that last night I had skipped denial and gone straight to anger. No arguing with that one. I must have slept through bargaining, because I was smack in the middle of depressed. At this rate I should hit acceptance soon, and maybe that meant I could fly through all five stages of grief in one weekend, and be over this guy by Monday.

  'So be sad,' I told myself. 'Revel in it. You can be sad and work at the same time. No one expects a jolly process server anyway. And you haven't had anyone in your life to be sad about in quite a while. Just think of the last guy, the one you were not going to date Caleb because of. Boy we sure weren't sad once we kicked him to the curb, no way. He was a relief to get rid of. Enjoy the sad. Today. And then get the hell over it.'

  The rest of the week went by in much the same way. Sunday I wasn't allowed to work, the law seemed to still leave people alone on Sundays. Plus Sundays seem to be a more socially acceptable day to lay like a lump on the couch, only pausing bad, mindless TV long enough to get the gallon of ice cream out of the freezer. The work week went as work weeks often do, only punctuated by long deep sighs more often than normal. The routine helped.

  By Thursday I was debating with myself about whether or not to go out Friday, knowing I may run into Caleb. Honestly, Thursday went by fast. Something about spending the day driving around by oneself, imagining all the various ways Caleb was suffering without me made for an entertaining day. That and the many ways I imagined him throwing himself at my feet, begging for my forgiveness, while I just stepped over him in my awesome new knee-high boots and kept on going, oblivious to his tears made the day pass quickly. I was glad to see I still had my sense of humor because trust me, some of those scenarios were freaking hilarious. One involved the blow-up doll and goat from huge arms' story, and it wasn't pretty. Funny, but definitely not pretty.

  Friday night found me raring to go. I was determined not to let him ruin my bar. This situation did reinforce why I had previously refused to date anyone I just met in a bar, and I was planning on reinstating that rule immediately, but that did not change tonight. Tonight I would walk in there like I did every Friday night, it's only hard the first time, right?

  Of course, nowhere in this taking the high-road stuff did it mention that I couldn't wear my favorite corset. I love corsets, and I have enough different ones to actually have a favorite. 'Take that, asshole,' I thought as I looked in the mirror. Waist cinched in tight, boobs displayed on a platter, the skin of my back criss-crossed with black satin ribbon and nothing more. Perfect. A hint of trouble, but paired with jeans, I was fully covered. I added a choker. Classy with a touch of damn. It boosted my ego. Whether Caleb showed up or not, I felt good.

  I got more nervous, the closer I got to the bar. Those dang butterflies again. I planned on drowning them with Jameson. I knew I had some time, even if he did show up. He always arrived fashionably late, usually after a dinner with his friends. I arrived at the normal, early, pre-Caleb time I always had, preferring to take advantage of the drink specials. Since I would be driving myself home once again, I needed to be sober by the time I left. I slipped my ID and my car key into my bra, as usual, and left my credit card with Lana. I hadn't had to do that in a while. Caleb usually drove and paid.

  I spent some time with Gary James, his girlfriend, and a few of their friends. They asked about Caleb, but this was a bar, people were used to interchangeable relationships here. It just wasn't often that I was one of them. At least they don't ask many questions.

  I dropped in on the table of Garys as well, only one of whom's name really was Gary. They all had their normal girlfriends here tonight though, so I called them all by their real names as I got hugs. They don't dance quite as often when the girlfriends are here, but I did manage to get one. That dance, my drink, and the fact that Caleb or his friends weren't anywhere to be seen helped loosen me up a little. Soon it felt like a normal Friday night.

  I saw Kate and a few of her friends later on the dance floor, thrashing with abandon, and slid in beside Kate. She let out a squeal and gave me a hug. Hugging is a popular hello in a bar where you have to yell to be heard. It's just easier.

  Back at the table she said, "I love your corset. It's my favorite I've seen you in yet, that is gorgeous."

  "Thank you," I said, "I needed it for extra morale tonight."

  "They would go crazy for that at the other bar. Seriously."

  "Oh yeah?" I smiled at her.

  "Oh yeah, that corset would get more attention than the girls who end up topless. It is pure sex, without smacking you in the face with it. Hot."

  "You sure know how to make a girl feel better."

  "Caleb?" She asked.

  "Yeah."

  "Are you OK?"

  "Yeah, I'm good, I was nervous about tonight though, haven't seen him since we talked last Friday night."

  "Has he called?"

  "No, but I told him not to. What's the point?"

  "But your good?"

  "I am actually. He was so much fun, but there were signs that it wouldn't be forever. It was unreal anyway, from the beginning. Like I was having some kind of erotic dream that kept going on and on, but I knew I'd have to wake up eventually. I just wish the alarm clock hadn't gone off quite so early. It was a hell of a three weeks though. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just hope this bar is big enough for the two of us. Oh, no. Do you think he would bring his ex here?"

  "If he does I hope it is tonight. No one can touch you in that outfit."

  "No wonder I hang out with you."

  "Speak of the devil," Kate nudged me, looking over my shoulder.

  I turned around to face him, anxious to get this first encounter over with. He was just as tall and good-looking as ever. "Hi," I said, hoping to show civility. There is nothing worse than ignoring some guy you used to date in a bar.

  "Hi," he said back. "Would you dance with me?"

  "Of course," I said thinking, 'Well, this ought to be interesting
.'

  I followed him out to the dance floor. He turned toward me and I let him take me in his arms. We danced a few minutes in silence, stiffly at first, but soon relaxing into the steps. He didn't tuck me into him, like a lover, but he didn't hold me away either. It was more of dance of old friends.

  "You feel really good," he finally broke the silence.

  "So do you."

  "I wasn't sure if you would be here tonight. I was hoping you would. I've been thinking about you."

  "Funny, I haven't given you a second thought." I said the words with a smile though, not to be mean but to remind him of the first time we danced.

  I felt his chuckle at that, and the mood lightened a little.

  "I haven't called, only because you told me not to."

  "Thank you for that."

  "I have been wanting to apologize. I didn't handle last weekend well. That call really threw me, and I didn't mean to have it effect you like it did."

  "Thank you for that, too. Did you meet her for lunch? And I ask that out of pure curiosity, not as a pissed ex."

  "Yes, I did."

  "How was it?"

  "Weird. Awkward. I thought I'd get something more out of it. I don't know. I didn't expect anything particular when I went, and yet, it wasn't at all as I expected."

  "Most things aren't."

  "True."

  "I don't still have feelings for her," he said after a bit. "That door closed long ago, I just hadn't realized it."

  I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

  The song ended, and another began. Caleb stopped, but didn't let go. He looked down at me, questioningly.

  I nodded my head yes, and we kept dancing.

  "I owe you an apology as well." I said.

  "No." He stated firmly. "No, you don't."

  "I do, I blew up on you pretty good. I had no right, I mean not really. We had only gone out a little while, there was no boyfriend/girlfriend conversation, we hadn't agreed not to see other people or anything."

  "I wasn't seeing anyone but you. Shoot, I wouldn't have had the time."