G K Chesterton- The Dover Reader

by G. K. Chesterton

  “Eight hundred a year!” said Mr. Bingham, and for the first time lifted his mild blue eyes to those of his interlocutor—and he raised them with a mild blue stare. “I think I have not quite understood you. Did I understand you to say that Professor Chadd ought to be employed, in his present state, in the Asiatic manuscript department at eight hundred a year?”

  Grant shook his head resolutely.

  “No,” he said firmly. “No. Chadd is a friend of mine, and I would say anything for him I could. But I do not say, I cannot say, that he ought to take on the Asiatic manuscripts. I do not go so far as that. I merely say that until he stops dancing you ought to pay him £800. Surely you have some general fund for the endowment of research.”

  Mr. Bingham looked bewildered.

  “I really don’t know,” he said, blinking his eyes, “what you are talking about. Do you ask us to give this obvious lunatic nearly a thousand a year for life?”

  “Not at all,” cried Basil, keenly and triumphantly. “I never said for life. Not at all.”

  “What for then?” asked the meek Bingham, suppressing an instinct meekly to tear his hair. “How long is this endowment to run? Not till his death? Till the Judgment day?”

  “No,” said Basil, beaming, “but just what I said. Till he has stopped dancing.” And he lay back with satisfaction and his hands in his pockets.

  Bingham had by this time fastened his eyes keenly on Basil Grant and kept them there.

  “Come, Mr. Grant,” he said. “Do I seriously understand you to suggest that the Government pay Professor Chadd an extraordinarily high salary simply on the ground that he has (pardon the phrase) gone mad? That he should be paid more than four good clerks solely on the ground that he is flinging his boots about in the back yard?”

  “Precisely,” said Grant, composedly.

  “That this absurd payment is not only to run on with the absurd dancing, but actually to stop with the absurd dancing?”

  “One must stop somewhere,” said Grant. “Of course.”

  Bingham rose and took up his perfect stick and gloves.

  “There is really nothing more to be said, Mr. Grant,” he said coldly. “What you are trying to explain to me may be a joke—a slightly unfeeling joke. It may be your sincere view, in which case I ask your pardon for the former suggestion. But, in any case, it appears quite irrelevant to my duties. The mental morbidity, the mental downfall, of Professor Chadd, is a thing so painful to me that I cannot easily endure to speak of it. But it is clear there is a limit to everything. And if the Archangel Gabriel went mad it would sever his connection, I am sorry to say, with the British Museum Library.”

  He was stepping towards the door, but Grant’s hand, flung out in dramatic warning, arrested him.

  “Stop!” said Basil sternly. “Stop while there is yet time. Do you want to take part in a great work, Mr. Bingham? Do you want to help in the glory of Europe—in the glory of science? Do you want to carry your head in the air when it is bald or white because of the part that you bore in a great discovery? Do you want ”

  Bingham cut in sharply:

  “And if I do want this, Mr. Grant ”

  “Then,” said Basil lightly, “your task is easy. Get Chadd £800 a year till he stops dancing.”

  With a fierce flap of his swinging gloves Bingham turned impatiently to the door, but in passing out of it found it blocked. Dr. Colman was coming in.

  “Forgive me, gentlemen,” he said, in a nervous, confidential voice, “the fact is, Mr. Grant, I—er—have made a most disturbing discovery about Mr. Chadd.”

  Bingham looked at him with grave eyes.

  “I was afraid so,” he said. “Drink, I imagine.”

  “Drink!” echoed Colman, as if that were a much milder affair. “Oh, no, it’s not drink.”

  Mr. Bingham became somewhat agitated, and his voice grew hurried and vague. “Homicidal mania ” he began.

  “No, no,” said the medical man impatiently.

  “Thinks he’s made of glass,” said Bingham feverishly, “or says he’s God—or ”

  “No,” said Dr. Colman sharply; “the fact is, Mr. Grant, my discovery is of a different character. The awful thing about him is ”

  “Oh, go on, sir,” cried Bingham, in agony.

  “The awful thing about him is,” repeated Colman, with deliberation, “that he isn’t mad.”

  “Not mad!”

  “There are quite well-known physical tests of lunacy,” said the doctor shortly; “he hasn’t got any of them.”

  “ ‘The awful thing about him is that he isn’t mad’ ”

  “But why does he dance?” cried the despairing Bingham. “Why doesn’t he answer us? Why hasn’t he spoken to his family?”

  “The devil knows,” said Dr. Colman coolly. “I’m paid to judge of lunatics, but not of fools. The man’s not mad.”

  “What on earth can it mean? Can’t we make him listen?” said Mr. Bingham. “Can none get into any kind of communication with him?”

  Grant’s voice struck in sudden and clear, like a steel bell:

  “I shall be very happy,” he said, “to give him any message you like to send.”

  Both men stared at him.

  “Give him a message?” they cried simultaneously. “How will you give him a message?”

  Basil smiled in his slow way.

  “If you really want to know how I shall give him your message,” he began, but Bingham cried:

  “Of course, of course,” with a sort of frenzy.

  “Well,” said Basil, “like this.” And he suddenly sprang a foot into the air, coming down with crashing boots, and then stood on one leg.

  His face was stern, though this effect was slightly spoiled by the fact that one of his feet was making wild circles in the air.

  “You drive me to it,” he said. “You drive me to betray my friend. And I will, for his own sake, betray him.”

  The sensitive face of Bingham took on an extra expression of distress as of one anticipating some disgraceful disclosure. “Anything painful, of course ” he began.

  Basil let his loose foot fall on the carpet with a crash that struck them all rigid in their feeble attitudes.

  “Idiots!” he cried. “Have you seen the man? Have you looked at James Chadd going dismally to and fro from his dingy house to your miserable library, with his futile books and his confounded umbrella, and never seen that he has the eyes of a fanatic? Have you never noticed, stuck casually behind his spectacles and above his seedy old collar, the face of a man who might have burned heretics, or died for the philosopher’s stone? It is all my fault, in a way: I lit the dynamite of his deadly faith. I argued against him on the score of his famous theory about language—the theory that language was complete in certain individuals and was picked up by others simply by watching them. I also chaffed him about not understanding things in rough and ready practice. What has this glorious bigot done? He has answered me. He has worked out a system of language of his own (it would take too long to explain); he has made up, I say, a language of his own. And he has sworn that till people understand it, till he can speak to us in this language, he will not speak in any other. And he shall not. I have understood, by taking careful notice; and, by heaven, so shall the others. This shall not be blown upon. He shall finish his experiment. He shall have £800 a year from somewhere till he has stopped dancing. To stop him now is an infamous war on a great idea. It is religious persecution.”

  Mr. Bingham held out his hand cordially.

  “I thank you, Mr. Grant,” he said. “I hope I shall be able to answer for the source of the £800, and I fancy that I shall. Will you come in my cab?”

  “No, thank you very much, Mr. Bingham,” said Grant heartily, “I think I will go and have a chat with the professor in the garden.”

  The conversation between Chadd and Grant appeared to be personal and friendly. They were still dancing when I left.

  VI. THE ECCENTRIC SECLUSION OF THE OLD LADY

 
THE CONVERSATION of Rupert Grant had two great elements of interest—first, the long fantasias of detective deduction in which he was engaged, and, second, his genuine romantic interest in the life of London. His brother Basil said of him: “His reasoning is particularly cold and clear, and invariably leads him wrong. But his poetry comes in abruptly and leads him right.” Whether this was true of Rupert as a whole, or no, it was certainly curiously supported by one story about him which I think worth telling.

  We were walking along a lonely terrace in Brompton together. The street was full of that bright blue twilight which comes about half-past eight in summer, and which seems for the moment to be not so much a coming of darkness as the turning on of a new azure illuminator, as if the earth were lit suddenly by a sapphire sun. In the cool blue the lemon tint of the lamps had already begun to flame, and as Rupert and I passed them, Rupert talking excitedly, one after another the pale sparks sprang out of the dusk. Rupert was talking excitedly because he was trying to prove to me the nine hundred and ninety-ninth of his amateur detective theories. He would go about London, with this mad logic in his brain, seeing a conspiracy in a cab accident, and a special providence in a falling fusee. His suspicions at the moment were fixed upon an unhappy milkman who walked in front of us. So arresting were the incidents which afterwards overtook us that I am really afraid that I have forgotten what were the main outlines of the milkman’s crime. I think it had something to do with the fact that he had only one small can of milk to carry, and that of that he had left the lid loose and walked so quickly that he spilled milk on the pavement. This showed that he was not thinking of his small burden, and this again showed that he anticipated some other than lacteal business at the end of his walk, and this (taken in conjunction with something about muddy boots) showed something else that I have entirely forgotten. I am afraid that I derided this detailed revelation unmercifully; and I am afraid that Rupert Grant, who, though the best of fellows, had a good deal of the sensitiveness of the artistic temperament, slightly resented my derision. He endeavoured to take a whiff of his cigar with the placidity which he associated with his profession, but the cigar, I think, was nearly bitten through.

  “ ‘I’ll bet you half a crown that wherever he comes to a real stop I’ll find out something curious’ ”

  “My dear fellow,” he said acidly, “I’ll bet you half a crown that wherever that milkman comes to a real stop I’ll find out something curious.”

  “My resources are equal to that risk,” I said, laughing. “Done.” We walked on for about a quarter of an hour in silence in the trail of the mysterious milkman. He walked quicker and quicker, and we had some ado to keep up with him; and every now and then he left a splash of milk, silver in the lamplight. Suddenly, almost before we could note it, he disappeared down the area steps of a house. I believe Rupert really believed that the milkman was a fairy; for a second he seemed to accept him as having vanished. Then calling something to me which somehow took no hold on my mind, he darted after the mystic milkman, and disappeared himself into the area.

  I waited for at least five minutes, leaning against a lamp-post in the lonely street. Then the milkman came swinging up the steps without his can and hurried off clattering down the road. Two or three minutes more elapsed and then Rupert came bounding up also, his face pale but yet laughing; a not uncommon contradiction in him, denoting excitement.

  “My friend,” he said, rubbing his hands, “so much for all your scepticism. So much for your philistine ignorance of the possibilities of a romantic city. Two and sixpence, my boy, is the form in which your prosaic good nature will have to express itself.”

  “What?” I said incredulously, “do you mean to say that you really did find anything the matter with the poor milkman?”

  His face fell.

  “Oh, the milkman,” he said, with a miserable affectation at having misunderstood me. “No, I—I—didn’t exactly bring anything home to the milkman himself, I ”

  “What did the milkman say and do?” I said, with inexorable sternness.

  “ ‘Just listen to that,’ he said”

  “Well, to tell the truth,” said Rupert, shifting restlessly from one foot to another, “the milkman himself, as far as merely physical appearances went, just said, ‘Milk, Miss,’ and handed in the can. That is not to say, of course, that he did not make some secret sign or some ”

  I broke into a violent laugh. “You idiot,” I said, “why don’t you own yourself wrong and have done with it? Why should he have made a secret sign any more than anyone else? You own he said nothing and did nothing worth mentioning. You own that, don’t you?”

  His face grew grave.

  “Well, since you ask me, I must admit that I do. It is possible that the milkman did not betray himself. It is even possible that I was wrong about him.”

  “Then come along with you,” I said, with a certain amicable anger, “and remember that you owe me half a crown.”

  “As to that, I differ from you,” said Rupert coolly. “The milkman’s remarks may have been quite innocent. Even the milkman may have been. But I do not owe you half a crown. For the terms of the bet were, I think, as follows, as I propounded them, that wherever that milkman came to a real stop I should find out something curious.”

  “Well?” I said.

  “Well,” he answered, “I jolly well have. You just come with me,” and before I could speak he had turned tail once more and whisked through the blue dark into the moat or basement of the house. I followed almost before I made my decision.

  When we got down into the area I felt indescribably foolish— literally, as the saying is, in a hole. There was nothing but a closed door, shuttered windows, the steps down which we had come, the ridiculous well in which I found myself, and the ridiculous man who had brought me there, and who stood there with dancing eyes. I was just about to turn back when Rupert caught me by the elbow.

  “Just listen to that,” he said, and keeping my coat gripped in his right hand, he rapped with the knuckles of his left on the shutters of the basement window. His air was so definite that I paused and even inclined my head for a moment towards it. From inside was coming the murmur of an unmistakable human voice.

  “Have you been talking to somebody inside?” I asked suddenly, turning to Rupert.

  “No, I haven’t,” he replied, with a grim smile, “but I should very much like to. Do you know what somebody is saying in there?”

  “No, of course not,” I replied.

  “Then I recommend you to listen,” said Rupert sharply.

  In the dead silence of the aristocratic street at evening, I stood a moment and listened. From behind the wooden partition, in which there was a long lean crack, was coming a continuous and moaning sound which took the form of the words: “When shall I get out? When shall I get out? Will they ever let me out?” or words to that effect.

  “Do you know anything about this?” I said, turning upon Rupert very abruptly.

  “Perhaps you think I am the criminal,” he said sardonically, “instead of being in some small sense the detective. I came into this area two or three minutes ago, having told you that I knew there was something funny going on, and this woman behind the shutters (for it evidently is a woman) was moaning like mad. No, my dear friend, beyond that I do not know anything about her. She is not, startling as it may seem, my disinherited daughter, or a member of my secret seraglio. But when I hear a human being wailing that she can’t get out, and talking to herself like a mad woman and beating on the shutters with her fists, as she was doing two or three minutes ago, I think it worth mentioning, that is all.”

  “My dear fellow,” I said, “I apologise; this is no time for arguing. What is to be done?”

  Rupert Grant had a long clasp-knife naked and brilliant in his hand.

  “First of all,” he said, “house-breaking.” And he forced the blade into the crevice of the wood and broke away a huge splinter, leaving a gap and glimpse of the dark window-pane inside. The room wi
thin was entirely unlighted, so that for the first few seconds the window seemed a dead and opaque surface, as dark as a strip of slate. Then came a realisation which, though in a sense gradual, made us step back and catch our breath. Two large dim human eyes were so close to us that the window itself seemed suddenly to be a mask. A pale human face was pressed against the glass within, and with increased distinctness, with the increase of the opening came the words:

  “When shall I get out?” “What can all this be?” I said.

  Rupert made no answer, but lifting his walking-stick and pointing the ferrule like a fencing sword at the glass, punched a hole in it, smaller and more accurate than I should have supposed possible. The moment he had done so the voice spouted out of the hole, so to speak, piercing and querulous and clear, making the same demand for liberty.

  “Can’t you get out, madam?” I said, drawing near the hole in some perturbation.

  “Get out. Of course I can’t,” moaned the unknown female bitterly. “They won’t let me. I told them I would be let out. I told them I’d call the police. But it’s no good. Nobody knows, nobody comes. They could keep me as long as they liked only ”

  I was in the very act of breaking the window finally with my stick, when Rupert held my arm hard, held it with a curious, still, and secret rigidity as if he desired to stop me, but did not desire to be observed to do so. I paused a moment, and in the act swung slightly round, so that I was facing the supporting wall of the front door steps. The act froze me into a sudden stillness like that of Rupert, for a figure almost as motionless as the pillars of the portico, but unmistakably human, had put his head out from between the doorposts and was gazing down into the area. One of the lighted lamps of the street was just behind his head, throwing it into abrupt darkness. Consequently, nothing whatever could be seen of his face beyond one fact, that he was unquestionably staring at us. I must say I thought Rupert’s calmness magnificent. He rang the area bell quite idly, and went on talking to me with the easy end of a conversation which had never had any beginning. The black glaring figure in the portico did not stir. I almost thought it was really a statue. In another moment the grey area was golden with gaslight as the basement door was opened suddenly and a small and decorous housemaid stood in it.