Program Erin

by Alex Fall

  "Please come back. I'll do anything for you, just please come back..."

  Nothing worked. He was gone. I am alone, just as I was always meant to be. I had so much raw hatred of the world. I didn't even know what to be mad at, but I hated the world. It was too unjust. You could have taken anyone, but you took Keegan! Surely the world can't be that unfair. There has to be a way to save him! Please, Keegan, don't leave me!

  With one last angry breath, I finally broke down, clinging to my Protector, and cried the most bitter cry of my life.

  * * *

  All around me was darkness. It was saturated with sorrow. It's like my old cell. The feeling of hopelessness permeated this room.

  I lifted my head off of my Protector's chest and sighed. I'm so exhausted. How long have I been crying in here? I wondered if I should change Keegan's shirt, since it was now wet with my tears. But I'm so tired. I'm nearly too tired to think.

  I dragged myself back to my room. It felt so far away from Keegan. I've abandoned him. He's only across the ship and I've abandoned him. I'm sorry Keegan. I wasn't strong enough.

  Not strong enough.

  ...I'm sorry...

  The dream world was not so kind either. I dreamt of him. He was with me, in his true Keegan form. We meandered through a snowy street here in the Decapolis. He was hungry for Latin food. But I couldn't take him because whatever he ate would be his last meal. He didn't know it, but I did. However, the human body can only go so many days without food. Is it better to have him suffer just so he can stay? His face began to wither, as if I were watching the effects of starvation happen in fast forward. As he withered, he summoned the strength to wave goodbye.

  No, he's right there! I can save him! Don't leave me!

  I bolted upright in bed. My breathing was slightly escalated. I was cold, and had a craving for sleep medicine. How long did I sleep? Only three hours and forty-seven minutes. Was it all a nightmare? I jumped out of bed and collapsed. One of my legs was asleep from resting in the wrong position. Nonetheless, I pulled myself up and to Keegan's room.

  He's still asleep in the same spot I left him in. It wasn't a nightmare. The sadness consumed me once more. I didn't dare enter the room. I didn't want to face reality again.

  But once I returned to my room, I realized it was no different. The only thing waiting for me here is my bed. Medically, I recognized I needed more sleep, but I was scared of the nightmares. Yet, a little white bottle caught my eye. My mouth watered at the sight of it; sleep meds. I gravitated toward the bottle, but every step I took toward it, I felt more and more guilty. Keegan's very last day here, he tried to protect me from these. I picked up the bottle, feeling as if I've already betrayed him. I'm sorry Keegan, I'm not strong enough.

  I popped the top off and felt tears begin to well up. I've already failed you...

  Out of pure frustration, I threw the bottle into the wall and yelled. Pills went everywhere. But my analytical mind knew where most of them landed. Just a couple white pills, and all the pain will go away. My mouth watered harder. I'm sorry Keegan! I can't do it!

  I scrambled across the floor and plucked up some pills, downing them using the water from my bathroom sink. What little time I was left awake, I spent weeping to myself and apologizing to my Protector.

  When I awoke, I felt dry. It was now daytime, and all the emotions that have been scarring my insides felt distant. I rubbed my face and examined my surroundings. Keegan hasn't moved I don't think. And what is that annoying light?

  I rose from bed and put on a Navy blue, knit sweater, then moved to check my messages. The Board? What do they want?

  They need to talk to me? I felt my irritation pulse and I reached for some of the sleep pills I had recovered the day before. However, I didn't take them. I stared them down. They are an enemy. I crave them so bad, but because Keegan says they are not my friend, they are now the enemy.

  But they make me feel so good. They help me sleep through the nightmares. They calm my emotions. They make the cravings disappear. They lift me up like nothing else can. My mouth began to water. But when I checked my surroundings, I found myself standing over Keegan. He would know what to do. That's why I came in here.

  Keegan. It's only been several hours and I already miss you more than I can bear. I slipped the pills into a pocket of mine and knelt down beside the sleeping man. He can't hear me. Can he read me?

  I took his hand and examined it for a moment. Would this work? I placed his hand against my face much the same way he used to when he was searching my memories. If he's still there, I poured my soul into the one thought that was dominating my mind, shutting out every other distraction by closing my eyes.

  Please don't leave me...

  It never worked.

  The hours passed by soberly. The De'mus Board would be gathering and expecting me today. It made me irritated, but my home makes me sad. I can't escape negative emotions. It's all my life is comprised of. The Board's call is the only thing that gives me a reason to move. And it wasn't much longer that I was entering the Magistrate building.

  "There she is! First try and everything!" Gus announced. He was waiting at ground floor.

  "Shut up." I faced forward, disconnected from my surroundings. With my mask composed, there was no way Gus or any of the Board would detect what's going on in my life.

  "I have a feeling I'll be hearing more of that," Gus commented as we entered the elevator.

  "And what's that supposed to mean?"

  "Just...brace yourself."

  I cut my eyes over to glare, but he avoided eye contact. His comment...makes me irritated.

  The two of us entered into a new glass meeting office, as they were still repairing the last one I burned. Everyone was here except Mason.

  "Well, well. It does come on time occasionally," Heather piped up as soon as I entered.

  I fixed my gaze on the large woman and she soon found me looming over her. I warned, "I have no patience for any of you today, but you Heather, you'll be be the first to experience any break of patience that happens here."

  She pursed her lips and looked to Gus, who looked to Hugh. "At least it's not me this time," the older man commented. He forced a half smile then returned to his normal, stern face. His attempt at a joke made me irritated.

  "Are you waiting for the whole Board to be present before you begin pecking me?" I asked as I flopped into a big chair.

  "Something like that," Hugh replied. I narrowed my gaze into a death glare before he cleared his throat and looked away. They're all uneasy. What's going on in here? It's making me irritable.

  And you're right, Keegan. I'm sorry.

  Mason opened the door and slowed as he entered. "Sorry everyone. Have we begun?"

  "Will this take long?" I snipped.

  Mason answered. "It could go fast."

  The Board situated themselves and pulled up some minimal information. Hugh sighed. "It appears your medical records are less than ideal."

  My face hardened. "Meaning?"

  "Sleep medication. How much are you taking?" Mason asked.

  I didn't reply. I should have known better anyway. Nonetheless, my anger threatened to flare.

  "How long can your body last under that amount of influence?" He continued.

  "I'm fine."

  "It's not just sleep medicine. There is a presence of a large number of chemicals. Chemicals that are for your experimental power. Is this correct?" Hugh further questioned.

  "I said, I'm fine."

  "Don't avoid the question," Gus said lowly.

  I glared at him then back at Hugh. "Why does this matter?"

  "Your body may or may not be able to handle this. One thing it does indicate is a heightened use of your power. You've been injuring yourself and others."

  "We've already been through this," I growled. "If you keep asking me about, I will leave this room."

  Hugh sighed again. "There's also the matter of your mental profile."

  "What?! What do you kn
ow about my *cuss* mental state?" I shouted.

  "It's degraded. You're more angry than you used to be, more volatile. In turn, you're more violent." Hugh was unphased.

  It was almost as if Keegan said the last word. I stood quickly, causing my chair to fall. "How about I burn your stupid *cuss* and you tell me how angry you feel?!"

  Silence fell over the Board. Hugh swallowed before speaking. "This meeting is to inform you that the Board has reached a decision. Please, take a seat."

  "No!"

  "Erin, please," Gus threw in. I checked all their faces before I picked my seat up and returned to sitting. In my imagination, I felt Keegan pat me on the shoulder and gestured for me to calm down.

  "We are taking you off of active duty."

  My teeth clenched.

  Heather spoke up. "We can't stop you from being violent or taking medicine. So we have to stop you from traveling until you get your stuff together."

  "Your ship rights have been revoked. We are confiscating your vessel until your profile improves," Mason added.

  My gaze fell to the floor. I felt as if a part of me just died. They can't take my ship. That's my freedom. That's my home. That's where Keegan is.

  "Do you understand?" Hugh asked.

  My mind worked quickly. They can't take my home. They can't take Keegan. For once I wasn't furious at the Board. Instead, depression awoke. I need a plan. I need a way out.

  "What does that mean for me?" I mumbled.

  Hugh began to say, "You can still travel in the city. But you're being confined-"

  "Within reason, do I still have my Existential Expense Coverage?" I inquired.

  The Board members traded glances. "Honestly we haven't discussed that," Hugh answered again. "But I would assume the answer is yes, because that is a Magistrate matter, not De'mus Board matter."

  "Can I keep my ship?" I asked quietly.

  Heather piped up. "Aren't you listening? You're basically on lock down! Be glad that's all we're taking!"

  I shook my head. "That's not...I need my ship. I don't have anywhere else to live."

  "Your rights have been revoked. You can't-" Mason began saying.

  Gus cut in. "Guys, let's discuss this first. It is somewhat wrong to perform an eviction."

  Heather looked to Gus with disbelief. "What? Don't you see what's happening? She's just being nice for a moment so we don't punish her!" I closed my eyes at the hurtful remark.

  "Still, something about it doesn't feel right," Gus said. Is he on my side?

  "What if you performed a ship cripple?" I suggested. "A lot of people live in ground bound ships. And...I don't want to have to move..."

  "We'll discuss it," Hugh commented. "In the meantime, do you understand what's expected of you?"

  I nodded. "Drop flowers off every day and give out free hugs."

  Mason pinched the bridge of his nose. "There's the sarcasm."

  "Erin, be serious."

  I let an angry, depressed breath from my nose. "Less violent. Less medicine."

  Hugh nodded and the Board members traded glances. I felt sick to my stomach. This isn't fair. Without further words, I quickly rose and trotted out of the room. I've failed Keegan. He wanted me to be less violent and now it's too late. He wanted me to fix Lenburg, and now I can't even get there. He wanted me to get away from sleep medicine, and that was the first thing I turned to the moment he left, and even now I crave them. Tears began to form even through the mask. I'm sorry Keegan. I've failed you...

  My ears picked up one last comment from Mason before I left. "That went better than I expected."

  Part 29

  Two months and four days passed since that day they took my ship away. The Board didn't REALLY take it away, but they took away my ownership of it. It's now just an expensive home. It's now an empty home.

  I've spent my time preparing for the day of my return. Nicolette and some of her people still frequent the new town, and since they don't belong to the Decapolis, I can still collaborate with them regarding plans. But lately I don't know how they've been spending their time, and I don't know the late conditions in Lenburg.

  My crew have moved on to find more work. Technically, they still work under me, but since I'm in timeout, they find other jobs to support themselves. I've been trying to keep them in the loop, but I won't ask them to aid me again until preparation is complete. Wyatt seems eager surprisingly enough, and Lori is loyal to me, but Reggie may need some convincing.

  Sharon stays with me sometimes now. She has friends but legally her home is my ship. We don't talk much. She's still mourning the loss of Keegan just the same as I am. Apparently he was family to more than one person. But beyond that, her schooling and my training rarely allow us an opportunity to visit one another. I sense underlying friction between us. I should probably fix that one day.

  In order to hold true to Keegan's promise, I've had to develop a rigorous training routine. Lenburg won't get fixed without a fight, and fighting without killing is hard. The amount of control needed is expert, but this is what it takes to be a hero so this is how it goes.

  I have rented out a complex and customized it to accommodate my training needs. Select sparring partners allow me to train my skills, and I've been practicing a wide array of reflexive moves. If I'm going to be dancing with Brute's and Slicks, my body needs to reach a new peak of physical fitness.

  On that note, lately I have been practicing quickdraw methods; pulling a weapon from a holster or other resting position and landing a blow or shot within two tries, though I'm not satisfied until I land first try. In particular, I have a room set up to project holo targets on various points in the room at randomly generated intervals, whereupon I pull a sidearm and connect a shot. I've settled into a new age, clip fed revolver that allows me to fan fire. This way I can practice applicable trick shooting.

  "Knock knock," Lori announced.

  A target flashed on the paneled wall and near instantly I pulled, fired a shot, and returned my weapon to its holster. The brass casing hit the ground and mixed into the dozens of others on the floor after I finished my movement.

  "What brings you here?" I commented with eyes scanning the walls. I landed the shot well.

  "Checking on you. You kind of disappeared."

  "I'm still around."

  Target! Pull, fire, holster. The shell hit the ground after the movement.

  "Erin...what's going on with you?"

  "Explain," I replied curtly, scanning the walls.

  "You've been a brass factory. How many bullets do you use each week? Hundreds?"

  "Likely so," I confirmed.

  "Did you break all the sparring partners in the Decapolis?" She asked.

  Targets, two of them. Pull, fire, fire, holster. The shells hit the ground after my movement. The second shot didn't land as well as I would have liked. If that was a slick, he would have gotten me.

  "What are you talking about?" I continued.

  "Do you know how many people show up at the med with injuries because of your training? What are you doing down here?"

  My eyes spaced out. I'm hurting people again, aren't I? "Training," I replied softly.

  "For what? With who? Does anyone else come anymore, or are they too scared?" Lori prodded.

  I shot another target. I've only got two bullets left in this clip. Don't be distracted. I have to keep my reaction time under one second, no matter what.

  "Why did you come here?" I asked, cutting to the point.

  "I'm worried about you."

  "I'm fine."

  "It's that guy, isn't it? Keegan?"

  My soul hurt like I was stabbed. I don't need to remember him right now, it's still too tender. Two targets flashed, one on either side of Lori. I pulled the firearm and struck both of them. Lori took a sharp breath and a step back after my motion. I lowered my gun and changed the magazine, all while locking gazes with Lori. For her part, she huffed then tapped a panel on the outside of the wall to shut down the simulation. The r
oom darkened slightly as the holo projector turned off.

  "Erin, you're not fine," Lori said. "You spend all of your time either working in a private laboratory on who knows what, or in here shooting guns and practicing on poor sparring partners, or practicing on equipment all in the name of training. You don't go out anymore. You don't talk to anyone. You rarely buy food."

  "How do you know what I spend my money on?" I demanded.

  "Because I talked to the Board. They keep up with your purchases."

  "The Board has no business with me!"

  "Erin, they're worried about you! I'm worried about you! You spend so much on chemicals and drugs and weapons, and barely anything on staying alive! What's going on with you?"

  My emotions stirred deeply within me. My face didn't flinch, but my mind did. I truly did feel automatic, as if my life has lost meaning. I'm running on the shell of a promise I made to a comatose man. What's going on with me, she asks? I don't have an answer for that...

  "I'm just doing what I can."

  "You can do so much more. The Board isn't going to give your ship back if you keep acting like this," she pleaded.

  "I don't care about the Board." I feel defensive...

  "What about the sleep pills?"

  "That's not your concern."

  "It will be when you O.D. on them."

  "I'm not that stupid," I said with a tisk.

  "Yes you are! You know all this medical stuff and yet you continue taking pills. Why are you doing that to yourself?" Lori questioned. It seemed she was upset, but not at me. She's concerned for me. However...it's brushing my irritability.

  "Lori..." I warned.

  "Erin, everything you're doing...it won't bring him back."

  I clenched my teeth and it felt my stomach curl into a knot. My face began to flush, partly out of shame and partly from anger.

  "You can leave now..." I growled.

  "Let me help you."

  I slammed my gun down into my holster and stormed past Lori. I wanted to tell her I don't need her, but part of me knew that was false. "Don't talk to me."

  "Erin? Captain!" My former crew member ran back to my side. "Please snap out of this..."