Heartsong

by V. C. Andrews

  I sighed and did what she said.

  "It's not working," I declared after just a few minutes. All the sounds of the ocean invaded, the terns, the surf, even the wind whistling around my ears.

  "You're not concentrating. Push the noise away, chase out the thoughts. Your breathing is all you want to know at the moment. Keep trying."

  I did, and soon I didn't hear those other things. I felt and heard only my own breathing and a wave of relaxation and contentment washed over me. After a few more minutes, I felt her hand on mine.

  "Did you do it?" she asked.

  "I think so," I said, a bit impressed with myself.

  "It takes practice. It's called meditation and it will allow you to travel to your inner self," she said. Then she lifted off her necklace and handed it to me. There was a deep cloudy green crystal in gold suspended from it. "Here, wear this."

  "What is it?"

  "Moldavite. It's from a meteorite that fell to the earth about fifteen million years ago."

  "Really?"

  "Yes, really," she laughed, amused by my amazement.

  "What's it supposed to do?" I asked turning it in my fingers.

  "It aids alignment with your higher self, channeling extraterrestrial and interdimensional sources. It's good for balancing and healing the body and the mind," she explained.

  It was my turn to laugh. "No thanks," I said, trying to hand the necklace back to her.

  "Why don't you give it a chance?" she said and pushed my hand away.

  I thought for a moment and then shrugged and put it on. She smiled.

  "There, you see. You've taken the first step: a little faith, a little hope."

  "Every time I have a little faith or a little hope, I get disappointed," I said.

  "Maybe you've been putting your energy into the wrong things, the wrong places."

  "How do you know which is right and which is wrong?"

  "That's why you have to develop a clearer vision," she said. She looked out at the sea and held that gentle, angelic smile on her lips. "You're very fond of Kenneth, aren't you?" she asked, not turning back to me.

  "Yes," I said.

  "It's not unusual to imagine things--wonderful things--with such a person. When I was your age, I did a lot of that, too." She looked at me, her eyes still warm, but smaller, more intense. "You're angry with me, aren't you? Angry that I showed up?"

  I shifted my own eyes away quickly.

  "Well," I said, "Kenneth and I are doing something very special. It takes a lot of concentration and--we can't be interrupted," I declared firmly.

  "I'm sure you won't be, especially not by me. I've known Kenneth a long time. I know when to be in his face and when to be out of it," she said, laughing. Then she looked at me very intently, her eyes soft but determined. "I know I'm good for him, Melody. I know I give him something he needs, something that helps him be the artist and the man he wants to be."

  Tears came to my eyes. I was hoping that was what I would give him and who I would be.

  "You'll do that for someone special someday, I'm sure. It's not something that happens overnight. It takes time."

  I twirled the coarse, faded doll's hair in my fingers and stared at it.

  "Do you have a boyfriend?" she asked.

  "Sort of," I said thinking of Cary. The boy who loved me and who I had put aside to chase a silly dream.

  "You'll have to tell me all about him," she said, "and I'll make up a chart for him too and tell you if you're destined to spend a long time together."

  I had to laugh at that, thinking of Cary hearing Holly's ideas.

  "He's like his father. He wouldn't listen or believe in anything you said."

  "Oh. Well, let's wait and see," she said as if she knew something about Cary that I didn't. "What I like about coming here," she said, gazing out at the vast ocean again, "is the great privacy. I really feel as if I'm on the edge of the world and I can do whatever I want. Don't you feel that too? That sense of freedom?"

  "Yes," I admitted.

  "Well then, while you and Kenneth work, I think I'll just get some sun."

  She started to unbutton her dress. I watched with surprise as she peeled it off to her waist. She wasn't wearing a bra. Topless, she turned on the blanket to expose her back.

  "It feels like a warm bath," she said and moaned with pleasure. Then her eyes popped open. "Don't you ever sunbathe nude out here?"

  I shook my head.

  "I love the sense of abandon, the freedom. It's like getting back to basics. You oughta try it."

  She closed her eyes again. Her Far Eastern music continued playing on her tape recorder and her incense continued to send tiny spirals of smoke into the wind. I sat with her a few minutes more and then I got up.

  "I'm going back to work," I said.

  "I hope I don't fall asleep out here," she muttered. "One year I got a bad burn. Kenneth got involved in what he was doing, of course, and completely forgot about me. Scream if I'm still out here when you finish."

  "Okay," I said.

  She lifted herself to continue talking to me before I walked away.

  "Why don't you come back tomorrow and we'll have a picnic on the beach?"

  "I have to go to my grandma Olivia's for a Sunday brunch," I said with a grimace.

  "You don't look too anxious to go."

  "I'm not I hate going to her house. We have to tiptoe around and remember not to speak unless we're spoken to. My aunt is constantly, on pins and needles, afraid one of us will do something to irritate my grandma Olivia."

  "Oh. Sounds dreadful," she said, "but I guess we have to put up with family sometimes."

  "She's not really my grandma. My real grandma is in a rest home," I said.

  "Really? You'll have to tell me about it all," she said. "Maybe at our picnic. Couldn't you skip the brunch?"

  "They'll have heart attacks," I said. "Especially my uncle Jacob." She laughed. Then she shrugged.

  "So, wake up under the weather."

  "What?"

  "You know, use the old reliable," she suggested. "What's that?"

  "Female problems," she said. "Your uncle Jacob's not going to challenge that, is he?" I shook my head, laughing at the thought of it and amazed that she would join me in a conspiracy so quickly.

  "Hardly," I said.

  "So there. come pick you up around eleven."

  "But what will I say when they come home and find me gone?"

  She shrugged.

  "You felt better, thought you should get some air, and went to town or something and met me. What would you rather do, be out here with Kenneth and me or go to your stuffy brunch?"

  "Be out here, definitely," I replied without hesitation. _

  "So? Do what makes you feel good. You have to be honest with yourself and then and only then, can you be honest with others," she said, smiling as she gave me another drop of her wisdom. "If you come, do your chart," she threatened with a laugh.

  I had to smile. Despite the conflicts raging within me, I couldn't help liking her. I started away, still undecided about her suggestion.

  "Eleven o'clock?" she called. I walked a little farther and then I turned impulsively and yelled back into the wind.

  "Okay. Come get me."

  I ran down the small hill to the studio, clutching the discarded doll in my arms, feeling more confused and more excited than ever, but, strangely, more hopeful, too. It was as if I had finally found an adult who could be completely honest with me. An adult I could truly trust as my friend.

  "I see Holly's begun to convert you," Kenneth said when I entered the studio. I had gone through the house, leaving the battered doll in the kitchen until I was ready to leave for home.

  "What? What do you mean?"

  "She gave you one of her crystals," he said, nodding at the necklace. Even Ulysses looked up with new interest.

  "Oh. Yes. It's fifteen million years old and from a meteorite."

  "Is that so? Did she show you the warranty?" "What?" />
  He laughed.

  "Nothing," he said with a wave of his hand.

  "She wants to have a picnic tomorrow. She's coming to pick me up at eleven," I said quickly to see if he would disapprove. He just looked surprised.

  "Really? What are you going to tell Jacob?"

  "I'll take care of it," I said firmly. He widened his smile and lifted his eyebrows.

  "I see. Holly wouldn't have given you any ideas on what to say to Jacob now, would she?"

  "Maybe."

  He shook his head.

  "I thought so. It doesn't take Holly long to get right into the heat of battle when she sees an emotional conflict," he said.

  "She's interesting," I offered cautiously. He laughed.

  "Interesting? She's like a rain storm in Technicolor, psychedelic clouds, neon lightning with the wind playing tunes from the Zen Buddhists. Wait until she reads you some of her poetry," he continued.

  "Don't you like her?" I asked, confused. It sounded as if he were making fun of her.

  "Of course. She's fresh air. There's not a phony bone in her solar and lunar body. Come on, let's finish this," he said and nodded at the papier-mache wave. I pulled off my sweatshirt and then took my position quickly. Maybe it was because I had done it before and the shock and excitement were over, or maybe it was because of some of the things Holly Brooks had said, but whatever the reason, my nervousness and inhibition were gone. I felt as if I had done this often.

  "How long have you known her?" I asked after I'd gotten myself comfortable.

  "A long time."

  "Did you meet her here in Provincetown or in Greenwich Village?"

  He paused.

  "Melody, you know I can't talk and work at the same time," he said.

  "Sorry."

  "Just lift your chin a little and turn slightly to the right. Good. "

  "Could you just answer one question?" I begged. "Okay. I cart see if I don't, I won't have any peace anyway. What is it?"

  "Do you believe in all this--the power of the crystals, the energies in the universe?"

  He stared at me a moment.

  "I don't believe in anything but my art," he said, but he didn't sound proud of that. He said it with an underlying tone of sadness and defeat. "Let's work."

  I could tell by his tone that he was in no mood to continue the conversation, so I resigned myself to silence so Kenneth could begin.

  When we were finished, I hurried out to see if Holly had fallen asleep on the beach. She was in the house, however, and greeted me as I passed through to pick up the doll and wait for Kenneth at the jeep.

  "I have something else for you," she said, holding a large paper bag. She dipped into it and brought out some sticks of incense. "Burn these in your room while you're meditating. It will help relax you," she said. Then she reached in again and pulled out a roll of yellow material. "You can wear it tomorrow when I come for you."

  "Wear it? I don't understand. How do you wear it? What is it?"

  "It's called a sari. It's traditionally worn by Hindu women. Here, let me show you how to put it on," she said. She wrapped it around me and even draped it over my head. Then she stepped back and bowed with her hands together.

  "How do I look?" I asked, turning.

  "Wonderful. It fills your face with a spiritual light," she said.

  I took it off and practiced wrapping it around myself.

  "Perfect," Holly said.

  "Thank you," I said. She looked back to be sure Kenneth wasn't in earshot. "Don't wear anything else underneath. Remember what I said about confining the natural form."

  I nodded, blushing, and put the sari back into my bag as Kenneth appeared.

  "What are you two plotting?" he asked.

  "Nothing more than a trip on a star," Holly replied. "That's what I thought," he said. "Hop in, Melody, for an ordinary trip in a jeep." Ulysses got in with us. "Bye," I said.

  "See you in the morning."

  "Be right back, Holly," Kenneth told her. "Are you going to make us one of those spiritual dinners tonight, all grain, vegetarian, organic?" he asked. She nodded.

  "I'll be losing a few pounds before she leaves," he told me. Holly laughed and we drove away. "Where did you get the doll?" he said gazing at it in my hand.

  "I found it on the beach."

  "A bit beat up, isn't it?"

  "I just didn't want to leave it there," I said. He looked at me askance for a moment and then smiled. "And what's in the bag?"

  "A sari," I said. "And some incense."

  He laughed.

  "What's so funny?"

  "I wish I could see Jacob's face when he sees you burning incense, walking around in sandals and one of Holly's dresses with crystals around your neck," he said, his brown eyes sparkling with mischief.

  "It's not any of his business what I wear," I said firmly. He turned and stared at me. I tilted my head, questioning those intense eyes.

  "What?"

  "Just for a minute there you sounded so much like Haille it threw me back in time," he said in a wistful tone, his eyes darker.

  He drove on, pensive, while my heart pounded as I wondered what it all meant.

  Aunt Sara didn't pop her head out of the kitchen to greet me when I came through the front door. The house was deadly quiet, so quiet it made me uncomfortable. I glanced into the living room, saw there was no one in there, and then hurried down to the kitchen. It too was empty. Where was everyone? I started up the stairs.

  Cary heard me and stepped out of May's room with May beside him.

  "I thought you were only working a half-day today," he said, his eyes cold and accusing.

  "Kenneth asked me to stay longer. He had a friend arrive today. Holly Brooks," I said. "Do you know her?"

  "No. What's that around your neck?" he asked, like an attorney cross-examining a witness.

  "It's a crystal with special healing qualities," I said and he smirked.

  "That's pagan."

  "It's not pagan if it makes you feel good. It happens to have a lot to do with spirituality, too, Cary Logan. You don't know anything about this."

  May was signing and pointing to the doll in my hand. I signed back, describing how I had found it on the beach. She wanted to look at it. Even though it was so faded and ragged, May looked at me with that ecstatic rapture only the very young could express. She understood my rescue mission immediately and turned to Cary, signing. He shook his head.

  "What is she asking?" I inquired, because she had her back to me.

  "She wants me to fix that mess of a doll. What are you doing with it?"

  "I found it on the beach and it's not a mess," I insisted and marched into my room. Cary came to the doorway with May.

  "Well, what are you going to do with it?"

  "I don't know, but I know it's not a mess. It was once a very pretty little doll." I spun on him, my eyes burning with swallowed back tears. "People cast each other aside just as easily as they cast aside their possessions these days," I complained.

  A deep silence fell between us.

  "Maybe I could do something with it," he finally said. "Can I look at it?" he asked in a softer tone. I handed it to him and he turned it over in his hands. "Body's still okay. Needs some paint and a new head of hair, as well as a new little dress. It's not so much, I suppose."

  He saw the warm appreciation in my eyes. "Could you do that?"

  "I have all that paint upstairs and the tools. I'll just get something for the hair and May will make the new dress." He signed that to her and she nodded emphatically. "What color do you want her hair?"

  "My own," I said quickly. He nodded and explained all to May, who looked almost as happy as I was about it.

  "What else do you have?" he asked, nodding at the bag in my hand.

  "A dress Holly gave me and some incense."

  "Incense?"

  "Yes. You light it and it helps when you meditate."

  "Huh? Meditate? You mean like a Buddhist monk or something?" he asked w
ith a smirk.

  "Where's Aunt Sara?" I asked instead of replying. He was getting me angry. "I thought I'd find her in the kitchen and help her with dinner," I said.

  "She's not here. She and Dad went to dinner at the Wilson's," he said. I stepped back, surprised.

  "Your father and mother went out to dinner?"

  "Well, you know Ma. She prepared our dinner first," he said. "All we have to do is serve ourselves and clean up-afterward. Dad and Jimmy Wilson are talking about buying a cranberry bog together. Ma put up quite a fuss when she heard she had to leave us, but I promised her we'd take care of everything."

  "Oh. Well then, I'll clean up and go down and get our dinner set out," I said.

  "I'll just put this up in my work room," Cary said, indicating the doll.

  I signed to May, describing what we would do, and she told me she would set the table while I showered. After I finished towel-drying my hair I took out the dress Holly had given me and wrapped it around myself. When I stood before the mirror, I laughed at how I looked and then thought I would wear it to dinner to see Cary's reaction. He was downstairs in the kitchen and when he saw me, he stopped what he was doing and dropped his jaw.

  "What is that?"

  "It's called a sari."

  "I'll say it's sorry," he remarked and laughed.

  "Cary Logan, all you're doing is showing your ignorance," I accused. His smiled faded.

  "Well, what's it supposed to be?"

  I explained that it was the natural dress for Hindu women and a very special gift given to me. Cary started to smile after I finished, but when he saw the serious expression on my face, he tightened his own, swallowed back his ridicule, and sat at the dinning room table, tonight taking his father's seat.

  It was as if the chair had powers, for Cary's face took on Uncle Jacob's serious demeanor. May and I took our usual seats. There was that same moment of quiet that preceded all of our dinners. May looked expectantly at Cary and he reached for the Bible.

  "Dad left a marker where he thought I should read tonight," he explained and began. --Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world.' " He paused as if the words were choking him.

  "Why don't you choose your own selection tonight, Cary?" I suggested. I could see the indecision in his eyes as he thought about my suggestion. It was like challenging the king, doing something deliciously forbidden. His eyes brightened with mischief.