by Tara Fuller
“Did you know?” I asked Finn, who was staring at Cash in disbelief.
“No way,” he said. “How the hell would I have known?”
“Tell me what it means,” Cash said.
“You’re a soul caught between life and death. It’s the only thing that would explain you being able to cross between worlds and force me into corporeality.”
“And why, exactly, does that make me so important?”
I shuddered, remembering the boy shoving souls over the cliff in Umbria. “It means you can be used to collect lost souls. At least that’s most likely what Balthazar wants you for. As for the shadow demons…”
“Yeah, I know,” he sneered. “I’m up next on the buffet line. I get it.”
“Cash,” I stopped him. “No. They wouldn’t want you for that. I mean they would, but you’re too valuable. They’d use you as a poacher, rounding up lost souls to deliver to the weaker ones below.”
Cash’s brows furrowed together and he shook his head mechanically. “No…he would have told me,” he whispered.
“Who would have told you?”
He ignored me, wringing his hands to ease the way they were shaking, if I had to guess. “Don’t lie to me about this, Anaya. If you’re just trying to scare me, to get me to side with you—”
“I’ve seen it,” I said.
Cash gritted his teeth and looked away. Someone had gotten to him. But who? And what kind of lies were they filling his head with?
“How did I become like this? Why me?”
I swallowed, uselessly. “When I brought you back. Didn’t take you. It must have triggered it. I thought…” I stopped and looked at him, bundled up in a black sweater, a burgundy scarf wrapped tight around his neck. A knit cap shoved over his raven-black hair even though it was obviously a warm spring day. His skin was pale. His eyes tired and dark. He didn’t look alive. He looked like Easton had said. Straddling the line.
“I’m sorry,” I choked out. “This shouldn’t have happened. I didn’t…I didn’t realize how old your soul was. I didn’t realize what you were or why Balthazar wanted you.”
“How old my soul is? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Finn stared at Cash with a little wonder in his eyes. “It means you’ve lived before. Lots of times.
This isn’t your first life.”
Cash closed his eyes and shook his head. “No…. no.” He said through gritted teeth. “If I’d been through all this more than once, don’t you think I’d remember something? Don’t you think I’d be a little better at it by now?”
“No,” I said. “You wouldn’t remember. It doesn’t work that way.”
“But Em remembers a little. From before.”
“That’s only because I helped her see.”
“Then help me see!” Cash stared at me, hope glinting in his eyes. “Help me see, so this feels real. So
I don’t feel like a complete nutcase.”
I couldn’t show him. I couldn’t allow myself to see his past. I was already crossing too many lines, forming bonds that were going leave me in shreds when this was done. “I can’t. I won’t.”
Cash buried his face in his hands and trembled. The ends of his burgundy scarf dangled over his knees. I looked up at Finn and he nodded. He didn’t have to hear the words. He knew. At least we still had that between us. He stood and patted Cash on the shoulder, then walked out of the room. I soaked in the silence until I heard an engine roar to life outside.
Slowly, he pulled his face out of his hands. His dark eyes burned me. His lips, pressed into a hard line, broke me. I reached out and placed my hand over his. He just stared at it for a minute, but after a few shallow breaths he finally laced his fingers through mine. I knew he was only touching me for the warmth, but I’d take it.
“So is this the only reason you’re here?” he asked, refusing to look at me. “To you, I’m just another soul to deliver. Only I don’t get to go where the rest of your souls go. I get hand-delivered to your boss.”
“It’s not like that,” I whispered. “I wanted to take you the first time I saw you. I wanted to give you that salvation. I still want to. You have no idea what this is doing to me, to see you like this. I wish I had a choice.”
He shook his head like he didn’t believe me.
“Cash?” I asked, softly. “How did you find out? Who told you? If someone has been speaking to you, I need to know.”
He stared at our intertwined fingers, quiet, as his thumb traced circles over my wrist. “What does he have on you, Anaya?”
He lifted his eyes and my stomach sank with a sick feeling. Did he know this too? He couldn’t.
Nobody knew but Balthazar and me.
“If you don’t want to be a part of whatever is happening to me, then what is Balthazar doing to make you do it?” he asked. “I know that babysitting a human probably isn’t in your job description. So I’m asking again. What are you getting out of this?”
Guilt stabbed at my insides, screaming, tell him, tell him! I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell him that I’d agreed to deny him everlasting peace so I could be with my family, with Tarik, again. I pulled my fingers from his. I didn’t deserve his touch. This wasn’t right. God…this was so wrong. What was I doing?
Cash studied my face for a moment, no doubt seeing the lie before it even formed on my lips. He grimaced and pushed to his feet. The connection between us pulsed with pain and regret. “That’s fine.
Keep your secrets, Anaya. I’ll keep mine, too.”
Chapter 20
Cash
“Happy birthday,” Emma said in a singsong voice as I opened the door. She leaned on the doorframe, holding a plate with an oversize piece of birthday cake sitting on it like a work of art. A little fondant replica of me stood atop the cake, with a T-shirt on that said I’m kind of big deal. I laughed and dropped the box I was holding on the floor.
“He’s edible, too,” she said when she saw me squinting to read the little Cash’s T-shirt.
“Just like in real life.” I grinned.
“Ha, ha.” Emma raised a brow. “So, are you going to let me in or what?”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“Oh yeah?” She breezed past me. “Since when? Because this is the first year I can remember that you didn’t put in a request for the flavor you wanted three months ahead.”
“Things are different now.”
Now I was on my way out. I sat down on the bed with Emma and took the fork she handed me. She took the first bite and laughed around a mouthful of red velvet cake.
“You’re right,” she finally said. “Now you’re actually old enough to do all of the illegal crap you do for fun.”
“Well, thanks for pointing that out,” I said. “Now it won’t be as fun.”
I gave up a laugh and took a bite of cake, wishing I could really taste it like I used to. It was probably going to be my last birthday cake, after all. But food just didn’t taste good anymore.
Everything left a stale taste on my tongue. Made my stomach churn with the want to reject it. I didn’t let her know that, though. Instead I shoveled a second bite in. Em and I didn’t have many of these moments left. I wasn’t going to ruin it.
“How’d you know this kind was my favorite?” I said.
“Do I look like an amateur?”
“No.” I smiled. “No, you do not.” No. She looked like the girl I remembered before her dad died.
Full of life and love and hope. She wasn’t that girl hiding in the shadows anymore, snapping pictures of a life she refused to live. She was happy. And that made me pretty damn happy. The look on her face in this moment…this was why I couldn’t hate Finn. He gave this to her when I couldn’t. I hoped
I’d get to keep these memories in the afterlife, whatever that might be. Because I wanted to remember her just like this.
“I got you a present, too.” She tossed me a wrapped package. I grinned at her and tore it open and… laughed. I held up the black T
-shirt. It said I see dead people.
“I think you know me a little too well,” I said. “I love it, Em. It’s perfect.”
Emma set her fork on the plate and sighed, her eyes lingering on the packed boxes in the corner of the room. I could hear the disapproval in her quiet sigh and she brushed crumbs off her lap.
“You’re still going to leave, even after I made you cake,” she said.
“Yep.” I sat my fork down too and watched tears gather in the corners of her blue eyes. She wiped them away before they could escape.
“You don’t have to,” she said.
“I know I don’t,” I said. “But I need to.” I couldn’t have Emma seeing me like this anymore. I’d already made Finn promise not to let her see me when I got bad. And it was getting worse. Every minute that passed it was getting worse. And I didn’t want these little shadow bastards near her. She’d already gone through a hell all her own. No way was I dragging her into mine.
“I’m eighteen, Em. And the house is in my name now that the lawyers are done.” I kicked her tennis shoe with my boot. “There’s no point in putting your mom and Parker out when I’ve got my own place.”
Emma stood up and stared out the window. “This is crazy. Your own place . That doesn’t even sound right.”
“It’s not like I have the luxury of being a kid anymore.”
She sighed. “I know that.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
I stood next to Emma, wondering if this would be the last time. If it wasn’t this moment, it would be one very soon. Every ache that throbbed in my body was a big countdown clock to my departure. Did she know it? Could she feel it, too?
“We shouldn’t be talking about this right now. We should be talking about what skank you’re going to take to prom, or which stupid Steven Seagal movie you plan on torturing me with this weekend, or that art festival you promised to take me to this summer. Not this…”
“Em—”
“I don’t want you to leave me,” she whispered. “I feel like you’re giving up. I feel like I should be doing something, but I don’t know what to do.”
The double meaning in her words created a lump in my throat. Emma had been such a big part of me for so long, I wasn’t sure what would happen to either of us when you took that other half away. I didn’t want to know.
“I’m not giving up,” I said. “I don’t really have a choice. And this is not on you, Em. There is nothing you can do. There’s not even anything I can do anymore.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. They felt fragile even under my weak grasp. Everything about this moment felt fragile. The ocean of unspoken words between us. The memories colliding and collapsing inside both of our heads.
The way my vision was going black around the edges. Wait…
I stumbled back and grabbed on to the white wicker dresser behind me when my legs started to give.
The room tilted off-balance. Out of the corner of my eye a shadow demon perched on the nightstand, grinning. No…
“Cash!” Emma’s hands were on me in a second, but I didn’t need her. I needed Anaya. Was this it?
God please no…please don’t let this be it. Anaya needs to be here.
I wasn’t sure when I’d made that decision, but in that moment, I knew without a doubt that it was her I wanted to see on the other side of this. Not Noah. Not a horde of shadow demons. Just Anaya and all her light, even if she was hiding something from me. Good or bad, I felt like I belonged with her.
She felt like home.
“Not yet, Cash,” Emma’s words sounded choked. “Not now, damn it.”
I vaguely noticed her fumbling with her phone to dial 911. Pain flared in my insides. The darkness spread across my vision, blocking out that last little bit of light I was clinging to.
This was it.
Well…shit. Happy birthday to me.
Chapter 21
Anaya
Watching Cash sleep was peaceful.
Watching Cash sleep knowing he might not wake up was torture.
I could have lost him. If he had died, the shadows would have… I didn’t even want to imagine what they would’ve done to him. What they would have used him for. I felt sick just thinking about it. I walked through the dim hospital room, lit by monitors and the one fluorescent light that glowed above
Cash’s bed, and stopped at the door. I wanted to go back and crawl in beside him to keep him warm, but Emma’s voice dueling with the doctors on the other side of the door stopped me.
“What do you mean you don’t know what’s wrong with him?” she said. “This is a hospital. You’re a doctor!”
“You don’t understand.” The doctor’s voice lowered as if he were trying to coax hers to do the same. “His organs are failing. His lungs are filling with fluid. No human should still be alive and be at the body temperature he’s holding. We know what’s happening. We just can’t figure out why. We’re still waiting on some test results to come back, so you just need to be patient. Stay calm for your friend.”
Finn murmured something to Emma I couldn’t quite hear through the door. I wanted to step through, but I couldn’t leave Cash. Not even for a second. I could smell the shadow demons lurking just beneath the surface. Hungry. Waiting.
“In the meantime…is there anyone you can call?” the doctor said. “Any family that might want to say good-bye?”
Emma made a choked sound and Finn’s voice broke in.
“How long?”
“It’s hard to tell,” the doctor’s gruff voice said. “Nothing about his condition is anything we’ve ever seen. And he won’t allow us to operate. I’d say we’re looking at a week. Maybe two if things continue to progress the way they are now.”
Emma burst into sobs and I stepped away from the door. This didn’t have to be happening. This could’ve happened quickly. He could be at peace right now. This was all because of me. How… how did I let this happen? How could I have been so selfish? I may be earning my way back to Tarik, but would I be the girl he remembered when I got there? Would I still feel the same when it was him standing in front of me and not Cash?
“You’re late,” Cash croaked from behind me. I turned around, but he didn’t try to get up. He just lay there, buried in the hollow of a blanket.
“I know.” He patted the spot beside him. I sank down onto the edge of the bed and did my best to produce a smile for him. “Happy birthday.”
He rolled his eyes and pushed the hair off his forehead. “Yeah, real happy. I thought for sure this was it this time.”
Cash stared at the door, lips pressed together, listening to Emma lose it in every way outside the door.
“I don’t want her here,” he said. “I don’t want her to see me like this. She’s already been through enough.”
“I don’t think you’re going to get rid of her,” I said. “Besides, she’s stronger than you give her credit for. And she’s got Finn now. She won’t be alone.”
Cash nodded and closed his eyes.
“You look a little better,” I said, studying the hard edge of his jaw under the fluorescent light. They had taken the piercings out of his eyebrow and ears. I was guessing the one in his mouth was gone, too. Lying there in nothing but a plain hospital gown, he looked stripped of everything Cash.
He grinned, eyes closed. “Liar.”
I placed my hand over his and a shiver vibrated through him. I started to pull away, but he reached over and grabbed my hand to hold it in place. “It feels nice.”
I let my eyelids slide shut, ignoring the warmth starting to burn at my hip. The call of someone waiting for me to give them what I’d refused to give him.
“Anaya,” Cash said. When I opened my eyes, his gaze was fixed on my face, his dark eyes begging for something unspoken. “I need you to show me.”
“Show you what?”
“Everything,” he said. “Something. Don’t send me to the other side not knowing who I was. I want to know. I have a right to know.”
“Cash…”
“I know you can. You just don’t want to.”
I sighed and stroked the back of his wrist with my fingers. “What if you don’t like what you see?
You have enough reasons to hate me, Cash. I’d rather not add another.”
“I don’t hate you,” he said, sitting up. “Is that what you think? That I hate you for this?”
I ignored his eyes trying to catch mine and instead focused on a table across the room. Condensation slipped down the side of a pink plastic pitcher of water. “You should.”
Cash grabbed my chin and forced me to face him. “I don’t.”
He took a deep breath, his chest swelling, rising with life. “And I won’t hate you for whatever I see.
No matter what it is. I swear.”
I was on the verge of breaking. Of giving him what he wanted. How could I deny him? He deserved everything from me after what I’d stolen. I looked into Cash’s wide brown eyes. So kind. A soul that kind couldn’t have anything dark enough to be afraid of.
“What if I close my eyes and wake up as something else? Someone else?” he said, squeezing my warm fingers with his cold ones. “Show me. Please.”
A beat of silence passed between us and I nodded.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll show you. But I have no idea how many lives you’ve lived. I have no control over what you’ll see. It’s likely you’ll see something that impacted you. Scarred your soul, so to speak. I can’t promise that memory will be good.”
“I don’t care. I’ll take it.”
I leaned into Cash as he lay back onto the pillows. He was shaking. If I were him, I would have been shaking, too, with the impossibility of what I was about to show him. My palm was warm. Glowing with power. I clasped it over his forehead and he closed his eyes, shuddering out a breath.
“Are you ready?” I whispered.
Cash nodded.
“Just breathe,” I said, just before we fell right into the pulsing heart of a memory a thousand years old.
I sat on the beach. Sand sifting through my fingers. My toes. A breeze ruffled my braids and the hem of my dress. The sun, just an echo from the day, was fading fast, sinking into the depths of the horizon behind the sea. I heard footsteps behind me and smiled.