by Lainy Lane
Phoenix.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I turned back to grab the pack of cigarettes I’d almost forgotten to carry into the room with me. I knew I would need them for what I was about to walk in on. Ember and Ethereal wished me good luck and smiled feebly at me as I limped away. It did nothing at all to comfort my nerves. It occurred to me that Phoenix would be able to feel my tensions and know I was coming in to see him. Which made me realize that I hadn’t been able to feel his emotions or sense his presence while I’d been in the living room with my sisters. I assumed it was due to the pain I was experiencing in my leg, that must have drowned him out. I guessed that made sense, I wasn’t entirely sure what did and didn’t make sense in blood bonds. It was still a new ordeal for me.
It took me a few minutes to gain the strength to turn the doorknob and enter the room. I had to wonder, yet again, whether Phoenix was aware of what I was doing and trying his best to give me my space and allow me to approach him on my terms. Why did I care what he was thinking or feeling? He had used me, in all the wrong ways. I’d spent weeks letting him crawl over walls that no one was allowed to get over. I’d let my guard down completely, and somehow, he’d managed to make me do so even though he hardly put up a fight.
I was hurt, I was angry, and I felt stupid. I knew better than to let someone into my carefully guarded heart. There were places I hadn’t even allowed Ember and Ethereal into and they’d been my sisters for almost two years. Places they had been fighting to try and get into the entire time they’d known me, and yet even they’d been denied entrance. What was it about Phoenix that had allowed him to get in so quickly? It had to have been the blood bond, he had forced it upon me. Despite what he’d said, I was still convinced that I had no part in allowing the bond to form. It had to have been all him. He had taken advantage of me somehow and forced his way into places he shouldn’t be allowed.
Despite everything, if I allowed myself to visit the memories of our time together, I couldn’t help but smile at them. That fact meant that I couldn’t let myself visit those memories ever again.
When I finally forced my way into the room, I made myself overlook the disaster zone it had become. Ember or Ethereal must have fixed my door for me. The last time I’d seen, it was no more than a pile of mere splinters. They would have known I would want some privacy, especially knowing what I was going to be dealing with upon my entry.
Phoenix sat, slumped over on the couch, or what remained of it. His head rested in his hands. His hair was a mess, and he didn’t seem to realize I was there. He hadn’t heard me come in or sensed that I was coming before I’d arrived. I stood several feet behind him, merely studying him. My heart was attempting to decide how to feel, but it was coming up hollow. I didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t supposed to have to choose how to feel because I wasn’t meant to allow myself to feel. It had been so much simpler without feeling, hadn’t it? I wasn’t sure what to say.
Honestly, I didn’t even want to let him know I was there. I didn’t want to deal with it at all. I just wanted to go back to the living room and try to pretend he wasn’t there. Maybe even imagine he didn’t exist at all. There was a dull ache in my leg that was letting me know I was going to be forced to sit and rest it again very shortly. It was time to do something, anything.
“So.” It was a feeble attempt to give him a hint that I was there without putting him directly on the spot. Judging by the look on his face when he turned to look at me, it hadn’t worked well at all.
“You should be sitting.” He leaped off the couch and gestured toward it, signaling for me to sit. Something about his awkward stance told me that he wanted to help me walk over to it, but had figured it would be better not to touch me. I had to admit that was the right call at the moment.
I grimaced. I didn’t want to give in to his suggestion. It would give him a sense that he was right and that was the last thing that he was, in a lot of ways. However, whether I wanted to admit it to him or not, he was right about this. I did need to sit. The pain in my leg was beginning to turn to numbness. If I didn't sit down soon, I'd likely fall to the ground. I still wasn't ready to admit defeat yet though.
“Please, stop being stubborn and just come sit down.” He must’ve known the internal battle I was facing.
I bit my tongue, literally, and walked to the couch without a word. I turned my body sideways on it so that I could prop my leg up on it. The release of the pressure from standing was a huge relief, but I still didn’t allow myself to slacken much. I couldn’t. There was too much at stake. My heart was trying to feel sympathy for Phoenix again. Vivid scratches covered his face, his right eye was swollen and bruised, and he had a massively bruised right shoulder. Why did seeing him so wounded make me hurt when he had battered my heart just as severely by playing with my emotions?
“Can I ask for a favor?”
I laughed out loud. Where did he get the nerve to start the conversation out like that? Who did he think he was? After everything that had happened earlier, the last thing I was going to do was grant him a freaking favor.
“Can you just give me a moment to explain things before you say anything?” he continued, unaffected by my initial reaction. He knew me well enough to expect as much.
I sighed. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of granting him anything. I also didn’t want to deny him the request since it did seem somewhat reasonable. I did deserve an explanation, even if there wasn’t one that could exist that would make any of it alright. I decided I still wasn’t ready to say anything. I was scared if I opened my mouth to speak, it might deceive me and say something that I shouldn’t.
I nodded.
He took in a deep breath before he began. “First of all, what Vulcan said wasn’t entirely true.”
Well, I was hooked, now to restrain myself from being lined and sank.
“Sometimes the purpose of the blood bond is to increase the joy of the hunt as well as make the victim,” he grimaced as he spoke the words, “more willing.”
My heart throbbed regarding the fact that I was the one who had played the part of the victim in this circumstance.
“That’s not the only purpose of it, though. You have to realize that Vulcan needed to get a rise out of you. He already knew what my feelings for you were before you guys came back. He had read my memory before you arrived when he laced me with his serum and tied me up.”
I refused to allow my mind to play the scene out again. I couldn’t handle it.
“I need you to know that my intentions were pure with our bond. I’m sure you don’t believe me, but it’s true.” He seemed emotionally wounded.
I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel anything from him. “Why can’t I feel you?” It was a stupid follow-up question and placed my vulnerability on full display. It would give him a false impression that I was considering forgiving him, which I wasn’t. Not even close.
“The bond is severed, at least temporarily. I don’t know if it’s because you’ve turned it off or if it has something to do with Vulcan no longer being a vampire.” He shrugged, but his expression was not nonchalant.
“Why would that matter?” I was avoiding the most important topic, my feelings. I was well aware of that, and I intended to keep it up for as long as he would allow.
“Because he was my leader. Being underneath him gave me a certain connection to him, and that no longer exists. Maybe that means our bond dissipated as well. I’m not sure. I hope it’s just that you’ve shut it off.” His eyes seemed glassy.
“How would I have done that? And why are you just now telling me that there’s a way to shut it off?” Anger was beginning to sprout in me. I must have been getting over the shock of his physical wounds and reaching into my actual feelings again. I wasn’t sure if that was good or not.
“Because, Acqua, shutting off a bond isn’t something that happens often. It’s more of a legend really, something that has been debated for a long time now regarding whether or not it can occur.�
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“So how do these legends describe it breaking?” My entire body felt tense, and I was growing tired of watching him pace the length of my room over and over again.
“For you to break it would mean you don't love me any longer.” His voice broke multiple times in speaking the short explanation.
Oh. Was that true? I was wounded, deep down. I was still teetering under the reaction of being used. Regardless of what he said, my brain was telling me that he had intentions behind the bond for all the wrong reasons. Was that because I had finally put my guard back up? Regardless of any of the heartbreak, you couldn’t just instantly stop loving someone, could you? My parents had I guess, or perhaps they never loved me in the first place.
“Acqua?” There was a tear in his eye. “Could you give me something here, please? Anything?”
I stared at him. I was failing at my attempt to sort through my thoughts, seeking to find something to say. My emotions were returning. My anger. His deception. It was beginning to boil inside of me. I lit a cigarette and inhaled a long puff. He didn’t say a word.
“You lied to me.” Way to state the obvious, Acqua. “How am I supposed to know that your intentions were pure? How do you expect me to believe you over Vulcan?”
“Because you know me,” his voice articulated his offense. “You don’t know Vulcan. I do! I know he’s a liar.”
“And you aren’t?" My voice crescendoed. "Why didn’t you tell me everything about the way these bonds worked when you forced it upon me?” My body ached to stand, to join him in pacing, to do something. I couldn’t do anything because of my stupid leg, which made me even madder.
“I didn’t force anything on you! Are we seriously back to square one here, Acqua? We’ve been through this time and time again. You had to have at least begun to let me in before the bond could happen. We can't force it on anyone. Imagine the chaos vampires could create if they were allowed to push it on whoever they pleased!” His speed increased, and his arms flailed oddly at his sides as he continued.
There was logic to the explanation, but that didn’t mean I had to buy it.
“And, if you’ll remember, I tried to explain the bond further. I wanted to go in private, the night that we discovered we’d bonded. I wanted to tell you things about it without Ember and Ethereal. You wouldn’t let me. Don’t push it all on me.” He continued pacing.
I wanted to be the one pacing. That made me hostile. “It’s not like we weren’t alone plenty of times after that. Don’t pretend you didn’t still have a chance to explain it to me!” My voice was growing harsher by the moment. If I didn’t watch it, Ember and Ethereal were liable to break in any second to check on me.
“I guess I was a little preoccupied!”
Memories threatened to go through my mind. I couldn’t allow it. I’d already decided I wasn’t going to let that to happen. “Not an excuse.” Why couldn’t I be enraged at him? I wanted to be. I breathed in the rest of my cigarette in one long drag.
“Don’t do this, Acqua.” He finally stopped walking and stopped to stare at me.
“What?” I was offended, I had more than enough right to be.
“Don’t put your guard back up. Look, I know this isn’t exactly ideal, but—”
“Not exactly ideal, Phoenix?” I finally stood, unable to stop myself. I didn’t have a cigarette to give my nerves something to do any longer. “Way to downplay the situation. None of this was ideal! I didn’t ask for any of this. You weren’t supposed to be able to get inside of me. I’m guarded for a reason, Phoenix. You broke through somehow, and then Vulcan proved to me just how stupid I had been to let you in. I never should’ve allowed it. I can’t allow it…not again.” Tears burst through. Why did they have to pick the most inopportune moments to force their way out?
Phoenix’s body flinched, pained from seeing me cry. I could feel it radiating off of him. Why was I suddenly feeling him again?
“Vulcan didn’t prove anything to you, Acqua,” he was resisting the desire to come over to me, “he fed you lies. Lies you didn’t deserve to have to hear. I wish I could’ve stopped him, Acqua. Do you have any idea the kind of imbecile I felt like having to listen to him insult you?
“To just watch him hurt you and your friends, and not being able to do anything to stop him?”
“Why didn’t you?” I accused and fought down the guilt that attempted to force its way through.
“I couldn’t! He was my creator, Acqua. I am unable to cause him any harm. My body won’t allow me to inflict any physical pain on him. He fed me his tranquilizer serum that he regularly uses on his subjects to keep me from even being able to argue back with him. He came prepared. He must’ve sensed that we’d formed feelings for each other even before he realized we’d bonded.” Something in his voice reached into me in a way I didn't approve.
He wasn’t lying. I could sense it in my inner being. Apparently, our bond had suddenly reignited, and I knew without any doubt that he was telling the truth. I didn’t want what he was saying to be true. I didn't want his actions to be honorable. That meant I would have to forgive him. That meant he would expect me to let him back in. That meant he would force me to feel again. None of that had been part of my plan when I walked in this room.
I winced as pain shot through my leg once more.
“Sit!” He gave in and made his way to me finally.
I didn't want to be excited about it. I wanted to refuse him. Still, my heartbeat increased against my better judgment. I hoped he couldn’t feel that. He put his arm around my back and leaned me back against the couch. He placed my leg gently on the sofa and sat next to it, gently caressing the muscles where the aches were expanding.
“This was the worst part of it all,” he whispered. “I watched him break your bones. I watched Vulcan blacken your eye. He forced me to watch everything, and I couldn’t stop it.”
“I have a black eye?” It was still odd to me that I had no recollection of the last part of our battle against his clan. It would seem that Ember and Ethereal hadn’t told me everything, I wondered if there was a reason behind that, or if I even wanted to know everything that had happened.
I observed Phoenix. My nerves were on edge, but he didn’t appear to sense it. I was sensing him. I was feeling his emotions inside of me, the way I’d done before this ordeal when the bond was still active. He should be feeling the same from me, shouldn’t he? Was he just pretending he didn’t? Was he waiting for me to weaken my defenses and admit to the bond being back, which would mean that I still loved him? I was already physically and emotionally broken from the night. I wasn’t planning on volunteering for any further abuse if I had a way to prevent it from happening.
“What is it?” he asked. The pain in my leg was beginning to subside under his massaging.
“Nothing.” I wasn’t willing to reveal anything, not yet.
“Acqua,” he challenged.
I sighed and lit another cigarette.
“You’re just going to shut down? Close yourself off? Put your walls back up?” His eyes cut into me.
I took a long drag on my cigarette and blew it up at the ceiling without looking at him. I hadn’t asked for any of this. I didn’t want any of it. None of this was part of my plan. I’d lost my chance at revenge on my parents over him because I’d come back to save him. I was entitled to build whatever walls I wanted to. It was my heart to guard however I chose. He had no right to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with it. I hadn’t ever intended to give it to him in the first place, so he had no ground to stand on in requesting it back. I found myself considering placing it in a cage and locking it away from even myself, that sounded like the best way to prevent myself from being hurt ever again.
His hand came, uninvited, to my cheek. My body deceived me and leaned into it.
“Don’t.” I didn’t move my face from him, but I spoke the word that my mind was thinking, regardless of what my body was doing. My brain, body, and heart were in an internal conflict with
each other. I wasn’t sure which would win, or which I wanted to overcome.
“No, you don't.” His voice was stern, yet still gentle. “You don’t get to shut me out. Not now. Not after everything. You may want to think that I forced this on you, but that’s because you’re unwilling to admit that you’re capable of letting someone into that brick heart of yours. Here’s the thing, Acqua. You want to pretend that I didn’t work to break through to you, but I did. After the initial attraction, the little trickle that allowed the bond to form, I fought tooth and nail to keep it growing. You were scared, and I understand that. I know why you’re afraid of this. Of us. Of me. I know why you don’t want to let me in, so I never said anything. I just played along. I just fought. I fought, even though I knew you were feeling more of me inside of you than I was able to feel of you inside of me. Because I was open to the bond, I let you in. But you didn’t let me in, not completely. You kept up a wall, and I never was able to penetrate it fully. Now you’ve put all the walls back up, and I don’t feel you at all. I don't have walls up, Acqua. I know you love me. I know you can still feel me inside of you.” He stopped and gawked blankly at me.
He wanted to walk around. He needed some response. He needed me to do something to take the edge off, but he couldn’t let go of me. His body, his being desired to touch me. Not because of the bond, but because of the absence of the bond. Because he wanted to feel me inside of him and I wasn’t allowing it. He’d never told me that our bond was stronger for me than it was for him. He played it off well. I never even suspected that I’d given him a disadvantage. It made sense. I was good at that. And he, like Ember and Ethereal, had simply accepted that was how I was. They all knew I might not ever let them in all the way, that I might not ever be able to let down all of my walls. Somehow they were okay with that. They were accepting of whatever part of me I would give them. That was love, wasn’t it?
He gave up and walked away with a heavy sigh. He wandered to the bed and held onto the post, looking away from me. I concluded at that point that if I was going to love anyone, I was going to have to take a risk. I was going to have to give in return. I couldn’t take and expect everyone to be okay with never receiving anything from me.